S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter; Another update Page 3

[Piratelvr1121]

So she's managed to be a helicopter mother without even having children? Wow!

[bopper]

What my 19yoDD says:  "Don't tell me what to do"

[Redsoil]

Ask her if she realises just how much she sounds like a nagging wife.  I reckon that should put the wind up her!

[Cherry91]

You're at ComicCon? MASSIVELY jealous, I've been following it online and weeping about not being there (I live in the UK, so it's just not an option...  ) You sound like an awesome mum - geek pride!

Is it possible your daughter is a little overwhelmed and projecting her concerns onto you without realising? A thought process like "This is a bit much, and if I feel that way, surely Mum will too!" perhaps? I don't know how many conventions you've been to, but when I went to the London Film and Comic Con (my first Con!) a few years back, myself and a friend actually had to go and get lunch elsewhere just to take a break from the massive crowds.

[Friday]

So, bad update... there's a host of issues with my daughter.  Things had gotten a lot better over the last couple years (I could write pages and pages about some things with her), but the last couple months they slid downhill.  To sum it up quickly - low self esteem, clinical depression, lack of respect for adults, partner who is a master manipulator and he doesn't respect his own mother at all (so why should I expect any?!). 

Well, I tried to talk to her, it went downhill quickly and kept going downhill.  It started with me trying very hard to talk on an adult level with her on Friday.  She snapped and stomped off.  Things went ok on Saturday at the Con, but saturday night went to hell.  For a 25 y/o, my daughter can be very childish when she's upset.  She was passive agressive, gave me the silent treatment, lied to my face, etc.... 

End result, I got "thrown out" of "their" vacation (note:  I paid for everything).  We were staying Saturday night at her friend's place in Oceanside (the other nights were in San Diego on me).  I wound up sleeping in the back seat of my rental car at a rest stop (no rooms to be had).  I had to go back to ComicCon to pick up art work, otherwise I would have just left California then and drove to Phoenix (which was second half of trip)

Daughter and Son In Law decided to bail on that part of the trip.  I will probably get blamed for the money they had to spend to change their flights, but, that's on them.  That move also really, really upset other daughter and other son in law in Phoenix.  My original plan was back and forth to San Diego; DD begged me to figure out a way that she and SIL could meet the baby, etc., in Phoenix since it was so close.  The relationship between the two sisters has been strained for a while, mostly because younger sister moved to Phoenix, got married, had baby, before older sister.  (older daughter is not actually married, I just call him my SIL, and she's desperate to be).  Younger daughter was excited, and did a lot of work to prepare to have a room for them, etc.  They live with in laws and four adults made accomodations for having them here and then they bailed at last minute.

Now, I'm in Phoenix with younger daughter and her family.  It's very nice to be welcome and appreciated.  I honestly think younger daughter could have made better choices in life, but she's happy, and SIL shows me respect, AND, his parents seem to like having me around!  I'm taking them all to dinner tonight.

[weeblewobble]

Here's the thing.  None of these issues are the results of your choices.  Older DD's unhappiness, her strained relationship with younger DD, her decision to incur expenses by changing travel plans. These were all the result of Older DD's choices.  I'm very sorry you're under so much stress, but it's time to drop the rope and step away from this tug of war. Enjoy your time with younger DD and her welcoming family. When Older DD can treat you with respect, make yourself available to talk to her.  Otherwise, she has to deal with the circumstances she has created.

[JenJay]

I'm sorry things went so wrong, Friday, but I think you handled yourself beautifully! I imagine your daughter wanted you to beg her forgiveness and whip out your credit card and keep paying their way. She said leave and you left, taking your wallet with you. Kudos!! Enjoy your visit with your Phoenix family!

[Piratelvr1121]

I'm sorry things went so wrong, Friday, but I think you handled yourself beautifully! I imagine your daughter wanted you to beg her forgiveness and whip out your credit card and keep paying their way. She said leave and you left, taking your wallet with you. Kudos!! Enjoy your visit with your Phoenix family!

POD.  Bed. Made. Lie. 

[chibichan]

I'm so sorry ...but you just can't talk to some people without bringing down a heap o' misery upon your head . Time to give DD some space . Make that A LOT of space .

You wouldn't tolerate this treatment from another human being . Your child should be no exception . I have never bought into this " We're family so I can treat you like dirt and you have to love me anyway " bullpoo .

I am really steamed on your behalf . If any child of mine did that to me , it would be a cold day in E-Hell before they heard from me again . 

" To sum it up quickly - low self esteem, clinical depression, lack of respect for adults, partner who is a master manipulator and he doesn't respect his own mother at all (so why should I expect any?!). "

This combination amounts to a losing battle for you . Until she gets the help she needs ( if she even thinks she needs help ) you will be at risk for more unacceptable behavior from her and her partner . Step away now , even if it is painful . Better an estrangement than years of memories of horrible things she's done to you .

[GSNW]

Family relationships can be difficult even in ideal circumstances, and having your DD wholly unwilling to listen to your feelings is far from ideal.  You say she has a lack of respect for adults, but at 25 she is well into adulthood.  I agree that you should step back from involvement with her - certainly including vacations that you pay for - until she can act her age.  She has damaged her relationship with you and her sister and it is her own doing.

[GSNW]

I also just re-read and am shocked and upset on your behalf that you wound up sleeping at a REST STOP.  I am thinking of the angriest I've ever been with my mother and even then, I would not have let that happen.  I'm glad you're ok because it's not exactly safe.

[cicero]

I'm sorry things went so wrong, Friday, but I think you handled yourself beautifully! I imagine your daughter wanted you to beg her forgiveness and whip out your credit card and keep paying their way. She said leave and you left, taking your wallet with you. Kudos!! Enjoy your visit with your Phoenix family!

POD.  Bed. Made. Lie.

agree.

and also

I also just re-read and am shocked and upset on your behalf that you wound up sleeping at a REST STOP.  I am thinking of the angriest I've ever been with my mother and even then, I would not have let that happen.  I'm glad you're ok because it's not exactly safe.

wow - that is so not ok. I don't care *how* upset she was, there is no excuse for leaving a person stranded like that!

[Cherry91]

End result, I got "thrown out" of "their" vacation (note:  I paid for everything).  We were staying Saturday night at her friend's place in Oceanside (the other nights were in San Diego on me).  I wound up sleeping in the back seat of my rental car at a rest stop (no rooms to be had).  I had to go back to ComicCon to pick up art work, otherwise I would have just left California then and drove to Phoenix (which was second half of trip)

So she spends the first part of the holiday fussing over her mother like an anxious child, and then throws her out of the holiday her mother paid for?! Leaving her forced to sleep in a car? Incredible.

I'm afraid the main thing you can do here Friday is chalk it up to a learning experience - NEVER go on holiday with your daughter again.

Also, do not let them blame you for the changes of plans. If they try and say it's your fault that they had to change their flights, remind them of all the inconvenience they put you and other family members through

[Pen^2]

What a terrible reaction. In my opinion, it is never acceptable to make someone sleep in a car where it is not entirely safe. My own family has been cut out of my life for stalking, assault, blackmail, and a variety of other charming things, and yet I wouldn't ever do this to any of them. This is really appalling. I'm so sorry, Friday.

It really seems the daughter needs to grow up a lot, despite her chronological age and her issues. I'm glad the other daughter is willing to be a decent person.

As Cherry91 says: this is a strong indicator that Friday cannot go on a holiday with her daughter again. Not for a long, long time. And yes, the daughter and SIL will almost certainly try to blame things on Friday. Since the daughter apparently isn't willing to have a normal discussion, a number of stock replies that don't JADE might be useful until she actually is ready to talk about things properly, if that day ever comes.

[Iris]

I also just re-read and am shocked and upset on your behalf that you wound up sleeping at a REST STOP.  I am thinking of the angriest I've ever been with my mother and even then, I would not have let that happen.  I'm glad you're ok because it's not exactly safe.

This. The rest of your post barely registers over the noise of every single person who contributed to my upbringing shouting in my head "She let her MOTHER sleep in a REST STOP in her CAR??!!??!!??"  I swear my Grandparents would come back from the grave and spank me -which they never did, even in childhood - if I did that.

So not okay. So very, very not okay. No matter how mad I was at anybody I couldn't leave them in that situation. Even if I couldn't be near them I'd have to make sure they had somewhere (else) where they were safe.

So frankly who cares what they say about changing plans, expenses etc? They chose to go and good riddance to them. It would be a long, looooong time before they'd be welcome in my house again. Even if I could forgive them I very much doubt my DH would.