Author Topic: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter; Another update Page 3  (Read 10453 times)

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iridaceae

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2013, 06:53:15 AM »
She doesn't see you as her mom but as a walking bank account. She's either got some real issues (aside from her real winner of a Significant Other) or she's just terminally selfish.

Either way it's time to stop paying for anything for her.


Winterlight

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #31 on: July 23, 2013, 10:10:54 AM »
I also just re-read and am shocked and upset on your behalf that you wound up sleeping at a REST STOP.  I am thinking of the angriest I've ever been with my mother and even then, I would not have let that happen.  I'm glad you're ok because it's not exactly safe.

This. Short of a natural disaster where we have no other option, I wouldn't want to do it. And kicking you out so that you have to? Cut. Off.
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jaxsue

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #32 on: July 23, 2013, 03:42:53 PM »
She doesn't see you as her mom but as a walking bank account. She's either got some real issues (aside from her real winner of a Significant Other) or she's just terminally selfish.

Either way it's time to stop paying for anything for her.

This, absolutely.

OP, your DD is 25, IIRC. Time to grow up. Time to stop being a child. I saw red at the idea of you sleeping in your car!

bopper

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #33 on: July 23, 2013, 04:22:12 PM »
I am sure it has been tough for you over the years.  I will bet your DD makes you feel if you don't keep her happy her life will be ruined and it is your fault or she will leave and it will be your fault.   Or if you just pay for (comicon, etc etc) she will finally be happy.

Hopefully this incident will help you to realize that she is only interested in herself. This may be due to personality or mental illness, but in any case YOU CAN'T MAKE HER HAPPY.

You don't need to spend money on her...even if she makes it seem like she will be homeless. Because guess what? She doesn't care if you have a place to stay!

Also think about strengthenign your backbone...How can someone kick you out of a hotel you are paying for? YOu go down to the front desk and say "I need security to come to my room...the people with me won't let me in teh room that I am payign for."   WIll doing this ruin your relationship? I posit that it is already ruined!

BarensMom

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #34 on: July 23, 2013, 04:27:37 PM »
I am sure it has been tough for you over the years.  I will bet your DD makes you feel if you don't keep her happy her life will be ruined and it is your fault or she will leave and it will be your fault.   Or if you just pay for (comicon, etc etc) she will finally be happy.

Hopefully this incident will help you to realize that she is only interested in herself. This may be due to personality or mental illness, but in any case YOU CAN'T MAKE HER HAPPY.

You don't need to spend money on her...even if she makes it seem like she will be homeless. Because guess what? She doesn't care if you have a place to stay!

Also think about strengthenign your backbone...How can someone kick you out of a hotel you are paying for? YOu go down to the front desk and say "I need security to come to my room...the people with me won't let me in teh room that I am payign for."   WIll doing this ruin your relationship? I posit that it is already ruined!

And the congregation said, "Amen."

Friday

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #35 on: July 23, 2013, 05:32:00 PM »
Slight correction/clarication.... first three nights I took care of.  The fourth night, when the "you need to leave" occurred was at DD and SIL's friends house a bit north of San Diego. 

rashea

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #36 on: July 24, 2013, 09:22:41 AM »
Slight correction/clarication.... first three nights I took care of.  The fourth night, when the "you need to leave" occurred was at DD and SIL's friends house a bit north of San Diego.

So they kicked you out as soon as the portion you were paying for ended? That just makes it much much worse.
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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #37 on: July 24, 2013, 10:11:52 AM »
Friday, I am disgusted on your behalf. You would be well-justified in never giving these two the time of day, let alone the fantastic vacation so many of us would commit felonies for. Please continue to assert yourself. You were not rude to tell your child not to parent you.  She was horribly rude to treat you so appallingly, and would have been, even if she hadn't been your guest.
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kansha

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #38 on: July 24, 2013, 12:56:17 PM »
Slight correction/clarication.... first three nights I took care of.  The fourth night, when the "you need to leave" occurred was at DD and SIL's friends house a bit north of San Diego.

So they kicked you out as soon as the portion you were paying for ended? That just makes it much much worse.
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SoCalVal

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #39 on: July 24, 2013, 01:25:36 PM »
What does your husband think of all this?



Friday

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #40 on: July 24, 2013, 01:32:07 PM »
This has become a soap opera....

another BG:  From 14 or so, this daughter was pretty distant from me and showed me little respect.  My mother encouraged that (I have cut ties with my mother btw - way back).  Around 20/21, she and I went through a period similar to this where she verbally attacked me for some minor thing, threatened to cut off all ties, etc.  Yes, she was with this same guy then.  I call him my SIL, but technically they aren't married.  Living together for 4+ years.  I was told by her that I had to apologize in writing to both of them or they'd cut all ties.  I did so. 

In the last couple years, things got a LOT (or so I thought) better.  She apologized for how she treated me in High School, and other things.  She became a close confidante and I thought she matured.  the "parenting" bit has always been there, even in the good times.  In the last few weeks, the HS and 20s behavior started creeping in again and I saw her going personally downhill; I saw her starting to move backwards instead of forwards.  She wanted to quit her job with potential and take a dead end, low wage job she'd like better.  She had been talking about finishing college, but that went away.  My hubby says that she can't face reality so she ignores it and walks away...

end BG

She emailed one of my best friends.  She didn't email the friends who knew her during HS and this other bout of behavior, but chose a friend who's only known her during the last couple years (aka the good times).  She accuses me of abuse, mental issues, yadda, yadda.  She's also declares herself an Atheist, but, in this email to my friend, tell's my friend to pray for me....  There's a strong level of delusion and deflection occuring.  She also openly lies about some of the facts in the email...

I'll keep this on the etiquette side of things, as my primary question was asking for one liners to deflect the parenting.

Obviously this has moved to the "cut direct" side of things, and that is what I'm going to do for a while.  This forum has taught me that "But they're FAMMMMIIILLLYY" is NOT an excuse to put up with things.  there's a quote:  “There are the families that we are born into, and there are the families that we choose our circle of friends.".  Well, now is my time to be with my circle of loved ones, and they aren't those who birthed me or who I birthed.

Friday

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Answering what does Hubby think of this:

Hubby was worried about me sleeping in the car (called him before), and he's absolutely disgusted with daughter.  He's feels she doesn't respect me (or other adults) at the level she should.  He also feels that SIL is an arrogant pig and also things he's clinically egotistical to the point that he cannot respect me.  He also used the word mysoginist a few times.

Hubby supports me, thinks I did, and that I continue to do, the right things.  He's also strongly encouraging me to No Contact....

JenJay

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Re: S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter UPDATE on page 2
« Reply #42 on: July 24, 2013, 01:42:18 PM »
Slight correction/clarication.... first three nights I took care of.  The fourth night, when the "you need to leave" occurred was at DD and SIL's friends house a bit north of San Diego.

So they kicked you out as soon as the portion you were paying for ended? That just makes it much much worse.

Yep! I'm just stunned.

It sounds like you plan to take care of yourself, Friday, and I'm glad to hear it. This person may be your child but she's also an adult who is choosing to treat you this way. I'm so happy that your loved ones are supporting you. Big hugs!


Pen^2

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Wow. It sounds like the drama llama absolutely exploded in your neck of the woods.

I'm so sorry she's acting this way. It's good to hear that you have loved ones who support you and actually treat you as a person (and also that you're so sensible about this). I also firmly agree with your husband: anyone who puts your safety at risk is cut off. Anything else can depend on a lot of things, but making you sleep in the car? No. And honestly I can't see that continued contact with you would do her any good, either. Hopefully a period with SIL will help her see how miserable life can be when you dispose of the people who put in the effort to support you and show you kindness. Hopefully.

I assume that your friend contacted you about the email? Since it's one of your best friends, I hope that s/he indicated that s/he supports you also, instead of being sucked in by internally inconsistent venom.

(((hugs)))

bopper

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I agree that backing off from your daughter is the thing to do right now.  Not sure it needs to be the "cut direct", but don't seek her out, don't call, don't email, don't make plans.    So far she thinks the 'we will cut ties with you" is her trump card, but she doesn't realize you are at the point where you are okay with that.
Also don't announce that you are not going to talk to her, that will just feed her drama.