S/O living with parents - vacation with daughter; Another update Page 3

[misha412]

I'll keep this on the etiquette side of things, as my primary question was asking for one liners to deflect the parenting.

Obviously this has moved to the "cut direct" side of things, and that is what I'm going to do for a while.  This forum has taught me that "But they're FAMMMMIIILLLYY" is NOT an excuse to put up with things.  there's a quote:  “There are the families that we are born into, and there are the families that we choose our circle of friends.".  Well, now is my time to be with my circle of loved ones, and they aren't those who birthed me or who I birthed.

If and when people ask you about the situation, your response will depend on your level of intimacy with the person asking.

Close family members should be aware of the situation fully and never demand that you justify cutting off this child for awhile. This may or may not extend to close friends. If you trust them and they know you well enough, there should never be a question of justification.

For friends and family members who are not in your most intimate circle, they do not need to know details unless you choose otherwise:
"That is a topic I do not wish to discuss. Beandip?"
"She and I are having issues. I do not wish to discuss it. Beandip?"
"She severely disrespected me and left me sleeping at a rest stop. I do not wish to discuss it further. Beandip?"
"The problem is between her and I. I do not wish to discuss it with anyone. Beandip?"

For those who persist in demanding details (and I have had this happen),
"I said I do not wish to discuss it further."
"I cannot believe you are persisting when I said I do not wish to discuss it."

You always have the option of getting up and walking away. If that person is a guest in your home, you can ask them to leave.

It is a private matter that is not a topic for public discussion.

[*inviteseller]

Friday, my heart goes out to you, as your DD is my DD..no respect, easily influenced by others, makes decisions with no thought to consequences, and if you have 'angered' her, well, you are going to feel 7 different kinds of wrath.  I barely speak to my DD these days and I admire you being able to give the cut, if only for awhile.  Do not give in, do not apologize..your strength to stand up to this mistreatment gives me hope for my own situation.  If anyone asks why you are not talking (not that it is anyones business), I would just say there are issues between you too..bean dip?

[Friday]

I got home from vacation on Tuesday night.  Apparently DD got home that morning (according to the fact that her car was gone from our house).  DH had changed the code on the door (electronic lock).  During the day on wednesday.  I changed my Netflix, Hulu and Amazon passwords as she used those services on my account and there's credit card information on them.  Not that I don't trust her, I sort of don't, but anyway, why should she use my services when she "doesn't want anything to do with me"?!?

I got up today to her blocking me on Facebook entirely.  She had previously defriended me and many others associated with me.

DH and I are having a good laugh at the "retaliation" for not letting her continue to use our services.

It saddens me... but I also know that I contributed to this state of being by being an enabler and holding her up many times.  Maybe hitting some rough patches will help.  The SIL stays with her because it's easy for him, she waits on him hand and foot, and pays her half the bills.  When there's been an emergency - I've almost always (at least for the last few years) been the one to fix it - loan, use of my car, etc.  Let's see what happens when she needs support - financially or otherwise - I doubt he'll step in.

[kckgirl]

I encourage you to remain firm for quite awhile, even if her behavior seems to turn around. Let her have a really long spell of no contact/no money/nothing at all. She may actually grow up and get her life together. She may not. But you will have a breather. There's no reason to suffer abuse just because you're related.

[KB]

Friday, I would consider applying for new credit cards and changing the details in case she has kept a record of them. I applaud your actions and I encourage you to stand firm as it's clear she hasn't really changed a bit.

[Gyburc]

It saddens me... but I also know that I contributed to this state of being by being an enabler and holding her up many times. 

Friday, I'm sorry your daughter is treating you so shabbily, and I think you are doing the right thing. The statement above jumped out at me rather - so I just wanted to say, I think it is very, very easy to slip into enabling someone, perhaps especially your child. She's your daughter, and of course your instinct is to help when she gets into trouble. The blame rests with your DD for taking advantage of your very natural instincts.

I hope that your firm stand will encourage her to re-think how she behaves, but at the least as the PPs have said, it will give you and your DH a break.