Author Topic: parenting backbone sighted!  (Read 18262 times)

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Carotte

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #15 on: July 26, 2013, 06:30:47 AM »
I wonder, could it be some parents are insecure about wanti sir kids to like them, so ey give in all the time? I remember when I studied teaching, I could always Stan behind the phrase "I'm not here to be liked" so I cold ignore when I was called mean for saying no to something unreasonable.

It's such a vast subject that I think there is a multitude of answers.
I think it boils down to it's hard and tyring to always be parenting and that there's bound to be resentment from the kid at the beginning, even more if it was lax before and now (around 5/6 y/old or older) the parents are trying to do something.
So some parents will give up, either because it's too much work, or because they start to feel that little Jimmy hate them for forcing him to not play in the middle of the street.

I know a set of parent to a very bright 6 y/old, she's too smart for her own good, and there's no discipline involved, so she's a real spoiled brat to her parents. But since she's smart, anytime she come across someone who do enforce discipline (like my mom when she babysat her) then she's a nice kid, who give her parents hell because they allow it.
They did her a huge disservice, and a bigger one to them, it's getting a bit late to try and stop it now if they didn't have the gut to do it when she was younger.

gingerzing

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #16 on: July 26, 2013, 03:45:57 PM »
I always liked this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6XZ-0ns2yA

I have had a couple of friends do that with their kids.  (Though not in a store.)


Saw a mom a while back in the grocery store whose 5-ish boy started asking for something  very early in their shopping trip.  She said "No" the first time, then stared at him and said something about what had she said about being good.  Question was asked again.  "Nope, and you are done."   She turned and walked 2 feet away and said "Let's go"   
"No, mamma.  I will be good.  Momma" 
"No, you disobeyed and not only are we done here but you will not be doing....."
Never heard what he would not be doing since he started to wail and cry "no".
As she walked to him, I caught her eye and mouthed, "Good job, Mom"  and gave her a micro thumbs up with a smile. 




Acadianna

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #17 on: July 26, 2013, 11:34:38 PM »
So some parents will give up, either because it's too much work, or because they start to feel that little Jimmy hate them for forcing him to not play in the middle of the street.

I've also seen excellent parents who give up through sheer exhaustion, because of an exceptionally difficult child.  Almost always this is because the problems originate within the child rather than with the parenting.  In such cases, all the "best" strategies simply don't work, and there is little more (if anything) that the parents can do, although they keep trying to the point of exhaustion.  My heart breaks for parents like these.

suzieQ

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #18 on: July 26, 2013, 11:43:26 PM »
So some parents will give up, either because it's too much work, or because they start to feel that little Jimmy hate them for forcing him to not play in the middle of the street.

I've also seen excellent parents who give up through sheer exhaustion, because of an exceptionally difficult child.  Almost always this is because the problems originate within the child rather than with the parenting.  In such cases, all the "best" strategies simply don't work, and there is little more (if anything) that the parents can do, although they keep trying to the point of exhaustion.  My heart breaks for parents like these.
God bless you. I'm in that category (or was when DS was younger - now that he is a teen, he is remarkably better behaved. I believe he is learning how to cope with his Autistic information overload better than he did as a young child).
It was hard enough dealing with him - absolutely exhausting. It wasn't helped when strangers decided to get judgmental about our parenting techniques. I felt like saying "You want a shot at figuring him out?  Feel free! Take him home and you will be begging me to take him back in 24 hours or less."
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CakeEater

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #19 on: July 27, 2013, 01:09:59 AM »
I don't think good parenting is making any kind of comeback. I think there has always been good parents and parents who have had less idea about what to do, and kids who don't respond easily to techniques that do work easily for other families.

And there are parents who desperately need to get done whatever it is they're doing in public, and really need the kid with them to be quiet on that one day and are giving in where they usually wouldn't, knowling that it will come back to bite them later.

It's great to be complimentary about people's parenting, and we should be careful not to be overly judgemental about people who are doing something we think is 'wrong' in a particular situation.

bonyk

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #20 on: July 27, 2013, 09:50:47 AM »
I don't think good parenting is making any kind of comeback. I think there has always been good parents and parents who have had less idea about what to do, and kids who don't respond easily to techniques that do work easily for other families.

And there are parents who desperately need to get done whatever it is they're doing in public, and really need the kid with them to be quiet on that one day and are giving in where they usually wouldn't, knowling that it will come back to bite them later.

It's great to be complimentary about people's parenting, and we should be careful not to be overly judgemental about people who are doing something we think is 'wrong' in a particular situation.

I agree with this 100%.  I've been complimented more times than I can count because DD is extremely well behaved.  But, honestly, that's got more to do with who she is than what I've done.  I've always been really aware that if DD had been born with more of a defiant streak, those approving smiles would turn into glares really quickly.

Layla Miller

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #21 on: July 27, 2013, 11:20:11 AM »
I don't think good parenting is making any kind of comeback. I think there has always been good parents and parents who have had less idea about what to do, and kids who don't respond easily to techniques that do work easily for other families.

And there are parents who desperately need to get done whatever it is they're doing in public, and really need the kid with them to be quiet on that one day and are giving in where they usually wouldn't, knowling that it will come back to bite them later.

It's great to be complimentary about people's parenting, and we should be careful not to be overly judgemental about people who are doing something we think is 'wrong' in a particular situation.

I agree with this 100%.  I've been complimented more times than I can count because DD is extremely well behaved.  But, honestly, that's got more to do with who she is than what I've done.  I've always been really aware that if DD had been born with more of a defiant streak, those approving smiles would turn into glares really quickly.

Also agree totally.  I'm doing the best I can with DD, but I have no doubt in my mind that I'm going to make mistakes (including in public where other people can see me and potentially judge me!).  I also know that even if I were to do everything 100% correct--if such a thing really existed, anyway--DD will never be a perfect angel.  This knowledge makes me more forgiving of parents who make mistakes of their own, but also very supportive of parents who are doing their best.  Even if their best falls short for one reason or another.

Sometimes I run across a sort of "Grrr, kids today are just terrible, nothing like when I was that age" attitude and it reminds me of all those quotes from people over the centuries that decry their younger generations, and I just have to laugh.  The more things change....  ;D

(Oh, and I'm going to have "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie stuck in my head all day.  This may or may not be a good thing!)
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girlmusic

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #22 on: July 30, 2013, 04:54:27 PM »
Earworm Alert! Now I can't get that song out of my head....

Twik

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #23 on: July 30, 2013, 05:11:19 PM »
There are trends in parenting. At one point, it was a common belief that children should be treated in a manner somewhere between training a military recruit, and breaking a horse. Then, the pendulum swung to the far opposite. I recall in the 1990s a prominent commentator in the national newspaper writing an indignant article because his daughter's dentist had told him to "make" his daughter brush more frequently. How horrible, he proclaimed, to think that a parent had the right to make a 10 year old do anything, even at the expense of serious dental problems down the road.

I hope that, for the time being, we have reached the Golden Mean, where discipline and kindness can both be used, as best fits the situation.
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Katana_Geldar

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #24 on: July 30, 2013, 06:02:29 PM »
Parents are trying to be their kids friends, which is a mistake as a lot of kids think adults are daggy.

Thipu1

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2013, 05:45:55 PM »
There has always been good parenting out there but there have also been fads.

About 15 years ago I remember a Parent who brought her 3 year-old DD in to visit us in the library.  She apologized for the child's rather dirty looking hair.

'I know she needs a shampoo but she doesn't like having her hair washed and I can't force my will upon her'.

DUH?  :(

She's three.  She needs a clean-up.  You're her parent.  You CAN force your will upon her. 

I'm happy to report that the  child has turned out very well. 

blue2000

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #26 on: August 02, 2013, 04:38:06 AM »
So some parents will give up, either because it's too much work, or because they start to feel that little Jimmy hate them for forcing him to not play in the middle of the street.

I've also seen excellent parents who give up through sheer exhaustion, because of an exceptionally difficult child.  Almost always this is because the problems originate within the child rather than with the parenting.  In such cases, all the "best" strategies simply don't work, and there is little more (if anything) that the parents can do, although they keep trying to the point of exhaustion.  My heart breaks for parents like these.
God bless you. I'm in that category (or was when DS was younger - now that he is a teen, he is remarkably better behaved. I believe he is learning how to cope with his Autistic information overload better than he did as a young child).
It was hard enough dealing with him - absolutely exhausting. It wasn't helped when strangers decided to get judgmental about our parenting techniques. I felt like saying "You want a shot at figuring him out?  Feel free! Take him home and you will be begging me to take him back in 24 hours or less."

I encountered someone in a similar position at a bus stop once.

This lady and her 7/8 yr old boy were waiting for the bus. The kid was clearly out of control - not doing anything terrible, but not listening to a darn thing his mother said. She was ranting to someone (another mom, maybe? can't recall) about his awful behaviour. It turned out she was his stepmom and she was OK with the rest of the kids but he just wouldn't listen. I kind of went "Whaaa??" at this because she was saying no but then she would just stand there and do nothing when he did it anyway. Not good parenting!

But then the bus came. And he wanted on. So he went, even though she told him no (they were at the back of the line). She grabbed his shirt and held it so he couldn't go. The kid was windmilling his arms and legs like a cartoon, running in place, and not moving because she still had a hold on him. He didn't seem to be actively trying to disobey her. He wasn't struggling to get out of her hold. He wasn't mad at her at all. He was acting like he didn't even know she was there.

I felt so sorry for her at that point. There is a lot you can do for a child who is angry or stubborn. There isn't much you can do for a child who is so wrapped up in his own head that he doesn't even see you.
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Sophia

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #27 on: August 02, 2013, 08:58:19 AM »
...or she was so ineffective she wasn't worth noticing.  I still call that bad parenting. 

blue2000

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #28 on: August 02, 2013, 01:22:25 PM »
...or she was so ineffective she wasn't worth noticing.  I still call that bad parenting. 

I wouldn't say she was ineffective in that case. She prevented him from pushing in front of everyone else quite effectively. The problem I saw was that he didn't seem to notice it. Sooner or later he is going to be too big to grab and hold, and then what? She hasn't got many other options.
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

jaxsue

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Re: parenting backbone sighted!
« Reply #29 on: August 02, 2013, 01:46:30 PM »
Nayberry, your story sounds just like what DS and I went through a few weeks ago.

Our rule is that DS can walk by himself if he follows the rules (stay close, no touching, no running). We were in a store and he kept touching things, so after a warning, I decreed that he had to hold my hand. He immediately dissolved into a puddle of wailing torment. The end result is that we marched out of the store, across three parking lots, and back to the car with him screaming the entire time.

I was incredibly embarrassed, but I received *several* kind smiles from my fellow shoppers, and one even saluted me. ;)

Happily, DS has been a model of good shopping behavior ever since.

I salute you, too. I've done the same with both my sons. DS #1 has autism, so he was more difficult to handle. However, I was a strict ("mean") mom.  :)