parenting backbone sighted!

[Piratelvr1121]

My bff works retail and tells me near the end of the summer the moms are coming in looking exhausted and numb and the kids are more rambunctious. 

And well I've found, with 3 boys that the same methods definitely don't work on all 3.  My oldest is sensitive, hates to disappoint people so often it doesn't take much more than a look of irritation and/or disappointment to get him to fall in line.

My middle son is not quite as sensitive but he's an extrovert so being in his room alone for an extended period of time is often fitting punishment for him.  And he is my limit tester and the one who will argue and argue, or he'll try, so I've had to learn to stand my ground with him even if I'm tired of arguing. 

The littlest one, well he gets the port-a-crib but then his only offenses are giving attitude when he's told "No", but he is plopped in the portajail each time.

[Slartibartfast]

One of my very good friends has a 6-year-old son with severe autism.  He's also HUGE for his age (bigger than most 9-10-year-olds).  She gets so many dirty looks from people who see him and judge him for not acting like the ten-year-old they expect him to be, who don't care that he's minimally verbal, mostly non-communicative, and SIX @#$#@ YEARS OLD.  I dare you to find even a genius-level neurotypical six-year-old who would behave like an ideal ten-year-old all the time!

[CakeEater]

I believe that some people work very hard at their parenting, and are blessed at the same time with kids who respond well to discipline. Some of these parents then feel quite proud of their efforts, believing the whole outcome of a well-behaved child to be through their excellent parenting, and quite happy to judge others. 'I worked hard at getting my kids to behave, and look - they do! If your kids don't behave, you just haven't worked hard enough.'

Others work doubly hard at their parenting and are not blessed with such children, and end up with children who are not as well-behaved. The mother/father who seems to be ineffective may have worked 5 times as hard at disciplining her child as the mother with the little angel sitting quietly beside them.

[Piratelvr1121]

I think in our case we truly got lucky for the most part.   Yes our kids test our limits but what kids don't?  But we've gotten compliments from strangers on how well our children behave.  Even when the older two were toddlers.  And it's not like we really had to do much to teach them to behave in restaurants.  We'd take them, put them in a highchair/booster and they'd sit there and either talk to the adults at the table or make eyes at the waitresses.

I mean there were a few times we'd have to give guidance on table manners but we really could take them just about anywhere and I do think it's honestly just good luck. 

But then we had friends who had to spend a good part of the time saying "Settle down, sit down, stop pestering the people behind us, stop throwing your silverware, no you cannot climb under the table" and otherwise reminding me of Bill Cosby's "Jeffrey" story.

[Rohanna]

I have one of each- one that has from day one entertained himself largely, sits quietly and eats in the highchair etc.... One that you have to watch and remind to behave *constantly*. I've always said that good parenting can only mold the personality you get, it doesn't let you pick the one you want.

[Acadianna]

I'm in that category (or was when DS was younger - now that he is a teen, he is remarkably better behaved. I believe he is learning how to cope with his Autistic information overload better than he did as a young child).
It was hard enough dealing with him - absolutely exhausting. It wasn't helped when strangers decided to get judgmental about our parenting techniques. I felt like saying "You want a shot at figuring him out?  Feel free! Take him home and you will be begging me to take him back in 24 hours or less."

I hear ya!  I recall one of my students who was pretty darn well behaved, considering the severity of his autism.  Even so, we still had occasional meltdowns.  In the beginning, I'd phone his (awesome, amazing, and wonderful!) parents, who would help me figure out the probable cause.  As I grew more sophisticated and proactive about his needs, we had fewer and fewer problems.  We learned, for example, to escort him out of the room before putting a DVD in the player.  (The static on old pre-cable TVs was unbearable to him.)  Or always allowing him to finish an online reward video before moving to a new activity.  (He was never happy about exiting an unfinished activity.)

In many ways, it's a continuing detective story.  We -- parents and teachers alike -- have to figure out needs and triggers for which we have no personal reference.  The child is usually unable to explain.  Once we do figure them out, then we can accommodate and teach coping strategies.  But it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience, and the good results may not appear until the teenage years, as with your DS.

Your DS is very fortunate to have parents like you.  May the successes keep right on coming.

[CakeEater]

I'm in that category (or was when DS was younger - now that he is a teen, he is remarkably better behaved. I believe he is learning how to cope with his Autistic information overload better than he did as a young child).
It was hard enough dealing with him - absolutely exhausting. It wasn't helped when strangers decided to get judgmental about our parenting techniques. I felt like saying "You want a shot at figuring him out?  Feel free! Take him home and you will be begging me to take him back in 24 hours or less."

I hear ya!  I recall one of my students who was pretty darn well behaved, considering the severity of his autism.  Even so, we still had occasional meltdowns.  In the beginning, I'd phone his (awesome, amazing, and wonderful!) parents, who would help me figure out the probable cause.  As I grew more sophisticated and proactive about his needs, we had fewer and fewer problems.  We learned, for example, to escort him out of the room before putting a DVD in the player.  (The static on old pre-cable TVs was unbearable to him.)  Or always allowing him to finish an online reward video before moving to a new activity.  (He was never happy about exiting an unfinished activity.)

In many ways, it's a continuing detective story.  We -- parents and teachers alike -- have to figure out needs and triggers for which we have no personal reference.  The child is usually unable to explain.  Once we do figure them out, then we can accommodate and teach coping strategies.  But it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience, and the good results may not appear until the teenage years, as with your DS.

Your DS is very fortunate to have parents like you.  May the successes keep right on coming.

And with something like 1 in 88 kids now affected with some degree of autism, it's a fair bet that at least a few of the kids we pass by each day have it.

[Emmy]

I believe that some people work very hard at their parenting, and are blessed at the same time with kids who respond well to discipline. Some of these parents then feel quite proud of their efforts, believing the whole outcome of a well-behaved child to be through their excellent parenting, and quite happy to judge others. 'I worked hard at getting my kids to behave, and look - they do! If your kids don't behave, you just haven't worked hard enough.'

Others work doubly hard at their parenting and are not blessed with such children, and end up with children who are not as well-behaved. The mother/father who seems to be ineffective may have worked 5 times as hard at disciplining her child as the mother with the little angel sitting quietly beside them.

I agree with this.  In church, I was in a Sunday school class on parenting.  One mother confessed to being judgmental of parents who had children who misbehaved at the store.  This mother was humbled when her second child came along and was more stubborn than her first and now she was one of those parents with the child causing a scene in the store despite trying to train her child.  How children behave is part parenting and part the child's temperament which the parents do not have control over.  It is not a simple case of 'you get out of it what you put into it'.  Most people know families with more than one child who are very different despite having the same parents.

DD1 is well behaved in public.  I do train her, but I can't take credit for her temperament.  My heart goes out to parents who put in as much or more time and effort and don't have the same results.  It can be exhausting to simply get through the day if everything is a battle.

[suzieQ]

I believe that some people work very hard at their parenting, and are blessed at the same time with kids who respond well to discipline. Some of these parents then feel quite proud of their efforts, believing the whole outcome of a well-behaved child to be through their excellent parenting, and quite happy to judge others. 'I worked hard at getting my kids to behave, and look - they do! If your kids don't behave, you just haven't worked hard enough.'

Others work doubly hard at their parenting and are not blessed with such children, and end up with children who are not as well-behaved. The mother/father who seems to be ineffective may have worked 5 times as hard at disciplining her child as the mother with the little angel sitting quietly beside them.

I agree with this.  In church, I was in a Sunday school class on parenting.  One mother confessed to being judgmental of parents who had children who misbehaved at the store.  This mother was humbled when her second child came along and was more stubborn than her first and now she was one of those parents with the child causing a scene in the store despite trying to train her child.  How children behave is part parenting and part the child's temperament which the parents do not have control over.  It is not a simple case of 'you get out of it what you put into it'.  Most people know families with more than one child who are very different despite having the same parents.

DD1 is well behaved in public.  I do train her, but I can't take credit for her temperament.  My heart goes out to parents who put in as much or more time and effort and don't have the same results.  It can be exhausting to simply get through the day if everything is a battle.

The story of my life with DS. Good thing he was the second child. If he had been born first, I would have missed out on my wonderful DD because I wouldn't have had another child!

[wonderfullyanonymous]

My kids were al relatively well behaved. They were taught from a young age what was and was not acceptable behavior in a public place, and if they did misbehave, they would not like the consequences.

One day, I took my oldest 8ish and youngest 4ish to the store with me. After we were done shopping, my daughter asked if they could havea candy bar. I said yes, which I didn't do all the time, because they were good. I told them they could have them when we got home. The very second the candy bar hit the bag, my youngest turned into a butt head. I told him if he didn't stop being naughty he wouldn't get his candy bar when we got home. He did not stop.

We get home, I get the groceries put away, and my daughter asks if they can have their candy. I tell her she may have her, but your brother is not getting his for his naughty behavior in the store. I opened hers and gave it to her, and opened his and took a bite out of it. I told him he would not get his, and he stood there waiting.

My daughters chin hit the floor, and she asked if she could give him some of hers, and I told her no, he was naughty ion the store, he would not get it. He dropped onto the floor, and threw a tantrum. I told him he was not going to get his candy bar for how he behaved.

He never acted up again, like he did.

[Minmom3]

I have 3 girls, all in their 20's now.  #1 was an easy baby and easy kid, up until she hit puberty.  Things changed big time with that, and she's been quite the pill since then.  She was frequently nasty to her sisters from then on, and a rude pain in the patoot to us. She's successful in her work world, has nice friends who think the world of her.  We hardly ever see her, by her choice.

#2 was quite different from #1 from the moment she was born.  Not a difficult baby, but a big change, so I had to catch up and learn how she was different.  Sneaky and devious from day one, in that she never regarded a 'no' has a reason to not do something, or that it would be unwise or dangerous, just that she should keep soldiering on with her goal and NOT LET ME KNOW about it...  Puberty wasn't the ugly thing with her it had been with #1.  We were talking one time when she was in high school (so 16 -18 years old) and she quite calmly told me that she KNEW how to behave, she KNEW what would make us happy and keep her out of trouble, and sometimes, she was just too angry to care, and would do what she pleased, knowing full well she'd eat dirt because of it.  She ran away the week after high school was over, came back 18 months later (older, sadder and wiser).  She's floundering a little at the moment, and I suspect depression may be a factor.  We talk occasionally, and I'd like to see more of her, but there are no hard feelings keeping her away, just lack of gas money.

#3 was yet again entirely different from her sisters.  EAsy baby.  Easy kid.  EAsy young lady now.  No big challenges at puberty.  Has her life on track right now, and is progressing up the work train to be self supporting in a field that interests her.  She claims she avoided a lot of the troubles her sisters had because 'she's not stupid; she SAW what they did and how much trouble they got in, and didn't want that to happen to her'.  Not sneaky and devious like #2.  Not the Golden Child either, she flubbed plenty, but she did manage to avoid making the same mistakes that got her sisters in trouble.  Our relat!onship with her is easier than it is with the other 2.  Mostly, it's because she's an easier going person than the other 2.

I say all this to help illustrate how different my children are, how hard it was for me to learn how different they all were and how differently I had to respond to them to get the results I wanted.  I don't think I was any better a parent for #3 than I was for #1, truth be told.  I have a world of sympathy and empathy for parents dealing with autistic kids - I know the hard times I had with MY kids, and they're neurotypical.  The challenges parents of autistic kids (or any other non neurotypical kid) face are in an entirely different league.  I think some of the issues we see of parenting out and about are due to poor planning and scheduling from the parent - i.e. if you take your kid shopping at nap time, it's going to get ugly!  Plan better next time!  A lot of older people were raised, or did their own raising, during more authoritarian times - and while public manners may have been better much of the time, not everybody raised that way came out well or whole.  Public manners, while important and helpful, are not all there is to life.

[Jones]

We get home, I get the groceries put away, and my daughter asks if they can have their candy. I tell her she may have her, but your brother is not getting his for his naughty behavior in the store. I opened hers and gave it to her, and opened his and took a bite out of it. I told him he would not get his, and he stood there waiting.

My daughters chin hit the floor, and she asked if she could give him some of hers, and I told her no, he was naughty ion the store, he would not get it. He dropped onto the floor, and threw a tantrum. I told him he was not going to get his candy bar for how he behaved.

He never acted up again, like he did.

My DD was a very good girl until about a year ago; every day has become a battle. I've tried this withholding treats thing several times this summer and it will.not.sink.in. All she gets from it is "I earned it, Mom said yes, Mom took it away when I was done earning it, why should I try earning something again?" Argh.

[Free Range Hippy Chick]

My DD was a very good girl until about a year ago; every day has become a battle. I've tried this withholding treats thing several times this summer and it will.not.sink.in. All she gets from it is "I earned it, Mom said yes, Mom took it away when I was done earning it, why should I try earning something again?" Argh.

Yup, I remember this one. There cannot, at that stage, be ANY delay on the reward. So chocolate when we get home in exchange for good behaviour in the supermarket won't work. It's either chocolate as soon as we clear the till, or the deal covers no tantrum in the car and carrying the bags into the house. Delayed gratification doesn't work with children. It does, fortunately, connect later.

It's more important for the parents - the countdown when the children are being horrible. Two more hours until bedtime, three more hours until the glass of  wine.

[kherbert05]

I'm sure there were times people saw my family and thought my parents were being indulgent to me. There were times we were having to deal with the fact I was in massive pain. My expression then tends to be angry/defiant, when I'm dealing with that, because I grit my teeth. 

[RegionMom]

Not sure if I posted this here already?

Grocery stores here have a sample cookie or muffin, and most parents hand them to the child upon the start of the shopping trip. 

I would hold off until the end, reminding my two that if they behaved, a treat from the bakery was awaiting them.

A couple of times, one child would get said treat, and not the other, whether it was food or a free balloon.

That worked well for me.

As for size, my kids are small (DD will not be over 5'2'', 17 yr old son is 5'5") so I had the opposite- child would be 5 thought to be 3, or in HS, thought to be jr high, and thus amazed others with knowledge and maturity.

Yes, I know I had the good end of it.  And I shared that with my kids, so they did not let it get to their heads!  lol

At my baby shower, the best advice I was given was,

"The moment before you react is the most important moment."

(Choose your words, can you live with your decision, follow through, etc..)

And, we all have bad days.  a knowing smile from a stranger in a store is much better than a shrewd disapproving look. 

hugs to all the parents!