Author Topic: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)  (Read 14697 times)

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LadyL

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I gave him the heads up that it was coming and gave him my opinion, which was "Don't do it."  If I hadn't, she would have caught him while busy at work and he would have said "Sure," without realizing what he was agreeing to.

(a) it's the time of year when property tax, car and home insurance, and DMV fees all fall due; (b) he just invested a ton of available cash in the stock market, leaving us with just enough for bills and everything in (a);

Per agreement, DH controls the finances in our household.

The combination of these three statements makes me very worried for you, BarensMom.

Otterpop

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As an aside, you and DH may want to renegotiate what "he handles the finances" really means.

If you really trust him to do so, then you need to step back and let him handle them. If he feels your situation allows him room to give money to his sister, that is part of what "handling" entails.

If you don't quite trust him implicitly, then I think you need to renegotiate what your voice should be in decisions. Right now, it appears to be that you have no power to make decisions, but you're trying very hard to influence them. This strikes me as being the worst of both worlds - you have the stress of worrying about finances, with no ability to affect them.

POD absolutely. 

It does seem that you should have input into these decisions.  It seems to me that the stress that Twik describes is the worst of all.

Also, you put the responsibility on husband to say "No."  When he doesn't you BOTH have to live with less money.  You need to take a stand on YOUR finances.

(My BIL is a bachelor who works when he wants.  He used to ask "loans" from DH who is generous to a fault until I said "We are supporting a family of four on one income.  Giving to you means we go without."  BIL had enough conscience to quit asking, then focused his attention on his pensioner parents who are happy to fund his lifestyle.  At least WE are left alone. ::))

They go where it is easiest to get money.  Don't be easy.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2013, 11:28:42 PM by Otterpop »

gramma dishes

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As an aside, you and DH may want to renegotiate what "he handles the finances" really means.

If you really trust him to do so, then you need to step back and let him handle them. If he feels your situation allows him room to give money to his sister, that is part of what "handling" entails.

If you don't quite trust him implicitly, then I think you need to renegotiate what your voice should be in decisions. Right now, it appears to be that you have no power to make decisions, but you're trying very hard to influence them. This strikes me as being the worst of both worlds - you have the stress of worrying about finances, with no ability to affect them.

I absolutely agree with Twik here.  We don't know (and don't need to know) the reason for your decision that your DH would be the only one handling finances.  But even though there was probably very good reason, it does seem a little unfair that since your financial situation affects BOTH of you, you should have at least some input into the decision making process.

NyaChan

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As an aside, you and DH may want to renegotiate what "he handles the finances" really means.

If you really trust him to do so, then you need to step back and let him handle them. If he feels your situation allows him room to give money to his sister, that is part of what "handling" entails.

If you don't quite trust him implicitly, then I think you need to renegotiate what your voice should be in decisions. Right now, it appears to be that you have no power to make decisions, but you're trying very hard to influence them. This strikes me as being the worst of both worlds - you have the stress of worrying about finances, with no ability to affect them.

I absolutely agree with Twik here.  We don't know (and don't need to know) the reason for your decision that your DH would be the only one handling finances.  But even though there was probably very good reason, it does seem a little unfair that since your financial situation affects BOTH of you, you should have at least some input into the decision making process.

The bolded is what bothered me as well.  I won't say that it is good or bad to have the finances under only one partner's control as I've seen it both work and not work in relationships.  The relevant issue on that is whether you like the practical results of your husband's status as being solely in charge and if not, whether you want to change that status to get different results.  If you don't want to change it, it seems you'll have to deal with SIL getting things you don't think she should have from your husband as he doesn't seem bothered enough to stop.

GSNW

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If you don't want to change it, it seems you'll have to deal with SIL getting things you don't think she should have from your husband as he doesn't seem bothered enough to stop.

This is the crux of what bothers me as well - SIL is annoying, you can't veto your husband's decision, and you're forced into a position of go-between.  Your agreement is not for any of us to judge, but it's unfair that you have to deal with a situation you have no control over. 

Shoo

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OP, when you married your husband, did you know you would be supporting his sister financially?  Did you sign up for this?

BarensMom

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OP, when you married your husband, did you know you would be supporting his sister financially?  Did you sign up for this?

Nope.  At the time we got married, his parents were still alive and relatively young (60's).  When they passed 2 years later, friends and family were trying to get DH to take responsibility for her, but he wasn't having it (she's 11 years older, for diety's sake!).  We lost sight of her after the inheritance was distributed.  We found out that she had been convicted of something and sent to prison for several years.

Now that she's in her 60's and in declining health, DH alternates between irritation and a sense of duty.  He sometimes feels that since we gift my sisters, nieces, nephews, etc., that we should gift her "equally."  His idea of "equal" and mine differ, as in mine is $100 per person, his is $100 x 6 of my family = $600 for sister.  Nuh-uh.

« Last Edit: July 27, 2013, 02:52:15 PM by BarensMom »

kckgirl

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I agree with you. Equal gifting is per person, or $100, not total per family. That's actually highly unequal.
Maryland

BarensMom

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Sorta Update:  SIL called last night, wanting me to "call me as soon as you get this."  Turns out she wanted me to take her "grocery shopping."  (See past thread on how the last time turned out.)  I told her it wasn't possible.  She said, "I just need someone to drive me."  I told her again it wasn't possible and got off the phone after she started to repeat it the third time.

Lest you all think I'm being heartless, we literally don't have the gas/money to waste.  DH was held up at gunpoint at the ATM last week, so we've had to cancel our bank account, credit cards, etc.  We're in the process of waiting on new everything, so we're rationing the limited amount of cash the bank allowed us to withdraw while waiting on things to re-activate.

I told SIL about the above, and she reiterated, "I only need someone to drive me."  That's when I told her I had to go and hung up.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2013, 05:39:58 PM by BarensMom »

weeblewobble

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First, I'm so sorry that your DH was robbed and I'm glad he's OK.  You guys are having legitimate life problems and need to deal with them. Your life, your problems, your security - that's what you have to devote those resources to.

And you're not heartless. Your SIL is a never-ending black hole of neediness, no matter how much cash, energy, love, time, etc., you throw at her, it will never be enough.  She will always come back with escalating needs, not so much because she actually requires those things to be happy/healthy, but because that's what proves your love to her. You putting your foot down and saying no is the only thing that will help remove you from the cycle.

You did the right thing.  Many many many hugs.

snowdragon

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*inviteseller

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I feel for you..found out today my account was compromised and everything is frozen for 5 days (at least they are not going to honor the charges).  If your SIL is so wrapped up in her own world to not care that her own brother was robbed at gun point and is only worried about getting favors, then she would be getting the cut immediately.  There is being a needy nelly, then there is just a black hole of taking and taking.  Most people, upon hearing that happened to their brother would be falling all over themselves to help, or at least give some emotional support.

Winterlight

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I think "heartless" is more accurately applied to someone whose response to her brother being held up at gunpoint is, "So what? My unwillingness to call a cab is more important than my brother nearly being shot."
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

ladyknight1

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I am so sorry that your husband was robbed. That is terrible.

Do not cave to SIL, it will never end.

artk2002

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I think "heartless" is more accurately applied to someone whose response to her brother being held up at gunpoint is, "So what? My unwillingness to call a cab is more important than my brother nearly being shot."

Exactly.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain