Author Topic: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)  (Read 14085 times)

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Goosey

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I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

GSNW

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Good for you, OP - I do not think you are heartless even without the ATM disaster as part of the issue.  I'm glad your DH is okay.  Continue to be firmly polite to SIL, you deserve to not have to deal with it.

BarensMom

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I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

Oh, Goosey, there's always that bit of apprehension that if I don't get back to her, that will be one of the times she has gone to the hospital and actually needs a family member.  There have been times that I've blown off her calls, only to find out later that she was at the county med.

Of course, then there are the times she "just wants a ride."  Oh, and lunch, someone to buy her groceries, etc.

CocoCamm

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I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

Oh, Goosey, there's always that bit of apprehension that if I don't get back to her, that will be one of the times she has gone to the hospital and actually needs a family member.  There have been times that I've blown off her calls, only to find out later that she was at the county med.

Of course, then there are the times she "just wants a ride."  Oh, and lunch, someone to buy her groceries, etc.

I think you may need to decide what's more important to you. Not being dragged into potential drama or not being up to date on SILs health issues. Unfortunately whenever we limit contact or cut off family members we run the risk of losing out on important information.

I definitely feel for you. My family cut off my mothers sisters over 6 years ago. We didn't find out until after the funeral that my cousin (who we had no issues with, that relationship was just collateral damage of cutting off his mother) had passed away suddenly. It was incredibly painful to realize that we will never be able to properly say good-bye. The flip side is that our lives are so much more peaceful without those toxic relatives in it. I hate to say its worth it because that sounds crass and uncaring but if I could turn back time I wouldn't change the fact that we cut them off.

One question...does your SIL not leave you a voice mail when she calls and you don't answer?

Goosey

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I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

Oh, Goosey, there's always that bit of apprehension that if I don't get back to her, that will be one of the times she has gone to the hospital and actually needs a family member.  There have been times that I've blown off her calls, only to find out later that she was at the county med.

Of course, then there are the times she "just wants a ride."  Oh, and lunch, someone to buy her groceries, etc.

I really doubt if she's leaving a message that just says, "Call me back", she's in dire need.

Plus, if you start reinforcing NOW that you will not call her back without more information, she'll know to let you know when she's in the hospital because she knows you won't call her back if she doesn't indicate thusly.

If she starts saying that she's in the hospital to get you call her back - well, she's crying wolf and you've got to let her learn her lesson.

People can be trained! lol

CocoCamm

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I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

Oh, Goosey, there's always that bit of apprehension that if I don't get back to her, that will be one of the times she has gone to the hospital and actually needs a family member.  There have been times that I've blown off her calls, only to find out later that she was at the county med.

Of course, then there are the times she "just wants a ride."  Oh, and lunch, someone to buy her groceries, etc.

I really doubt if she's leaving a message that just says, "Call me back", she's in dire need.

Plus, if you start reinforcing NOW that you will not call her back without more information, she'll know to let you know when she's in the hospital because she knows you won't call her back if she doesn't indicate thusly.

If she starts saying that she's in the hospital to get you call her back - well, she's crying wolf and you've got to let her learn her lesson.

People can be trained! lol

This is what I'm thinking! If I'm in the hospital or in an emergency situation I'm gonna make sure I make that clear in my vm!

cwm

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #51 on: August 01, 2013, 12:32:42 PM »
I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

Oh, Goosey, there's always that bit of apprehension that if I don't get back to her, that will be one of the times she has gone to the hospital and actually needs a family member.  There have been times that I've blown off her calls, only to find out later that she was at the county med.

Of course, then there are the times she "just wants a ride."  Oh, and lunch, someone to buy her groceries, etc.

I really doubt if she's leaving a message that just says, "Call me back", she's in dire need.

Plus, if you start reinforcing NOW that you will not call her back without more information, she'll know to let you know when she's in the hospital because she knows you won't call her back if she doesn't indicate thusly.

If she starts saying that she's in the hospital to get you call her back - well, she's crying wolf and you've got to let her learn her lesson.

People can be trained! lol

This is what I'm thinking! If I'm in the hospital or in an emergency situation I'm gonna make sure I make that clear in my vm!

I agree with this. If I get a voicemail that just says to call back, I don't consider that to be an emergency situation, I consider it a social call that got missed. I hate it when people take the time to leave me a voicemail that just says to call back. Give me a bit more so I can make an informed decision about whether or not it's really important or if I really want to deal with the hassle at the moment.

In the OP's situation:
Family member in hospital/ill = usually worth calling back immediately
SIL wants to talk/needs a ride/needs money = not usually worth calling back immediately
No information given = not worth calling back immediately at all

weeblewobble

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #52 on: August 01, 2013, 01:32:54 PM »
I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

Oh, Goosey, there's always that bit of apprehension that if I don't get back to her, that will be one of the times she has gone to the hospital and actually needs a family member.  There have been times that I've blown off her calls, only to find out later that she was at the county med.

Of course, then there are the times she "just wants a ride."  Oh, and lunch, someone to buy her groceries, etc.

I really doubt if she's leaving a message that just says, "Call me back", she's in dire need.

Plus, if you start reinforcing NOW that you will not call her back without more information, she'll know to let you know when she's in the hospital because she knows you won't call her back if she doesn't indicate thusly.

If she starts saying that she's in the hospital to get you call her back - well, she's crying wolf and you've got to let her learn her lesson.

People can be trained! lol

This is what I'm thinking! If I'm in the hospital or in an emergency situation I'm gonna make sure I make that clear in my vm!

But you're assigning rational thought and logic to someone who doesn't have those life skills.  With this type of personality, manipulation is possible and even likely in emergency situations. When my (now cut off) SIL realized that we were screening her calls due to drama fatigue, she called us and ONLY us when she was admitted to the hospital for dubious reasons. But when she left the voicemail on my husband's phone, all she said was "Give me a call back when you can," no mention of hospitals or medical emergencies.

We figured it was just like all of her other calls and ignored it.  The next day, she calls the other relatives, including her parents, to tell them, "Well, I just got out of the hospital. They kept me overnight for observation and no one came to see me to make sure I was OK." When her parents asked why she didn't call the family to let them know she was in the hospital, she said, "Well, I called Mr. Weeble. Didn't he call you?"  So effectively, we were "punished" for not returning her calls because we then drew fire for ignoring the message. It became about our "bad behavior" instead of her constant cycle of drama.

Amara

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #53 on: August 01, 2013, 01:41:55 PM »
Quote
When her parents asked why she didn't call the family to let them know she was in the hospital, she said, "Well, I called Mr. Weeble. Didn't he call you?"

I think I might have said to her parents "Why wouldn't she call you first?"

gramma dishes

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #54 on: August 01, 2013, 02:21:42 PM »
Quote
When her parents asked why she didn't call the family to let them know she was in the hospital, she said, "Well, I called Mr. Weeble. Didn't he call you?"

I think I might have said to her parents "Why wouldn't she call you first?"

Bingo!

CocoCamm

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #55 on: August 01, 2013, 02:33:02 PM »
I think one of the first things I would do is stop calling her back when she demands you to. I think you're encouraging her behavior in little ways - but, for some people, a little is all they need.

Oh, Goosey, there's always that bit of apprehension that if I don't get back to her, that will be one of the times she has gone to the hospital and actually needs a family member.  There have been times that I've blown off her calls, only to find out later that she was at the county med.

Of course, then there are the times she "just wants a ride."  Oh, and lunch, someone to buy her groceries, etc.

I really doubt if she's leaving a message that just says, "Call me back", she's in dire need.

Plus, if you start reinforcing NOW that you will not call her back without more information, she'll know to let you know when she's in the hospital because she knows you won't call her back if she doesn't indicate thusly.

If she starts saying that she's in the hospital to get you call her back - well, she's crying wolf and you've got to let her learn her lesson.

People can be trained! lol

This is what I'm thinking! If I'm in the hospital or in an emergency situation I'm gonna make sure I make that clear in my vm!

But you're assigning rational thought and logic to someone who doesn't have those life skills.  With this type of personality, manipulation is possible and even likely in emergency situations. When my (now cut off) SIL realized that we were screening her calls due to drama fatigue, she called us and ONLY us when she was admitted to the hospital for dubious reasons. But when she left the voicemail on my husband's phone, all she said was "Give me a call back when you can," no mention of hospitals or medical emergencies.

We figured it was just like all of her other calls and ignored it.  The next day, she calls the other relatives, including her parents, to tell them, "Well, I just got out of the hospital. They kept me overnight for observation and no one came to see me to make sure I was OK." When her parents asked why she didn't call the family to let them know she was in the hospital, she said, "Well, I called Mr. Weeble. Didn't he call you?"  So effectively, we were "punished" for not returning her calls because we then drew fire for ignoring the message. It became about our "bad behavior" instead of her constant cycle of drama.

This is true!

But if the OP wants to "train" her SIL then she there needs to be consequences for when SIL doesn't behave appropriately. If SIL left a call me back vm when she's at the hospital and the OP doesn't return the call hopefully the next time SIL will remember and leave a more appropriate vm. If the OP calls back on demand each and every time the SIL learns nothing.

BarensMom

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #56 on: August 16, 2013, 12:11:27 AM »
All quiet on the SIL front...for now.

Just updating to say the police caught the perp that held DH up.  He had to go to the police station to ID the gun and items that the guy had on him.

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #57 on: August 16, 2013, 02:35:41 AM »
Good to hear that :)

                          The Southern Cross Flag. Australia

YummyMummy66

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #58 on: August 16, 2013, 06:49:50 AM »
I would tell SIL that from now on, she needs to leave a specific message as to why she is calling, if not, you will not be returning said call.

If she is at the county med, then you will know.  If she just wants something, you will know and can prepare your response. 

Your sister is 60.  Your husband is not responsible for her.  As long as he enables her, she will not learn to "grow" up.   
There are some things I would still do, but I would not be at her beck and call and I would not support her financially.

As for grocery shopping, I would tell her this is when I am going, do you want to go along?  And that will be the only time you are going that week, so she needs to get what she wants then.  If she calls you later and needs to go, tell her you already went.  If she needs to go, she needs to find another way there or wait until you go again.

ladyknight1

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Re: Broken Record: Ask Your Brother!!!! (The Continuing Saga of DH's Sister)
« Reply #59 on: August 16, 2013, 09:08:35 AM »
SIL may never mature to that level, but she should still be held accountable for her needs like any other adult.

OP, I am so glad they caught the guy!