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Author Topic: 'But I had toooooo'  (Read 32306 times)

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2013, 08:20:07 PM »
If this is the way your mom is and you know this, I would not have told her until you were ready to tell everyone.

And yes, I would be upset with her. 

Also, you knew she wanted to tell everyone.  I think you knew she was going to do so.

I would have beat her to the punch and told everyone at this family gathering.


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2013, 08:46:15 PM »
But it need not rob one ounce of joy out of your life or your child's unless you let it.  If breaking the news of your pregnancy is such a big deal to you that having the news leak out makes you feel "robbed" and worry about  a "chance you will never get back", then maybe your mom's drama-seeking has influenced you, and it's a good opportunity to look at how it makes her act and reject it.

I have to completely disagree with this. Someone wanting to share there news with the rest of the world first isn't a drama seeker. Someone who wants to share everyone else's news with the world, especially if they have been requested not to, is a drama seeker and spot light hog. No one should expect the spot light, but no one should steal other people's spot light moments continuously either. The OP's mother is the one with the problem, and the OP has every right to feel the way she should and should take proper steps to build defenses so she doesn't feel it again.


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2013, 09:23:25 PM »
Oddly enough, your mom sounds like my four year old son.  I will tell him not to do something.  He will apologize in this fashion:

"I'm sorry I had to jump on the couch."
"I'm sorry I had pitch a fit because we're out of Cheerios."
"I'm sorry I had to hit my sister on the head with a foam sword."

So I have to explain that he doesn't HAVE to do those things, he made a CHOICE to do those things.  Much like your mom made a CHOICE to tell people you were pregnant against your wishes. Her assertion that she "had to" comes completely out of left field, because there is no circumstance forcing her to share your news.  She CHOSE to violate your wishes. I am really sorry you're going through this.

If you choose to address this, when she claims she HAD to tell people, I would respond, "No, Mom, you CHOSE to tell people against our wishes.  And now we have to deal with the consequences."


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #18 on: July 21, 2013, 09:26:59 PM »
Evil me would be tempted to feed her an incorrect story. And when Mom says "Oh, guess what, Aunt Martha, they're naming the baby Mimsy Fluffykins / having a Power Rangers nursery / giving birth in the woods", you can say with with an innocent face "That's news to me. Where do you come up with these things, Mother dear ? Pass the potato salad, Aunt Martha."  >:D


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #19 on: July 21, 2013, 09:39:55 PM »
I would not share any more info with her.  Not due date, not gender, nothing.  Some people just love being the town crier, and it sounds like she is a boundary trampler.  I actually did not tell a soul about my pregnancy until I knew it was going to start becoming obvious..we wanted to revel in it ourselves and have our kids be told first and get used to the idea of it (mixed family..and they were overjoyed!).

POD - I would had she has now earned the spot - Last to Know for all information. You tell her after all the people you want to tell already know.

Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #20 on: July 21, 2013, 09:57:44 PM »
Let's say you and your DH pick a name.  Don't tell you mom until after it's on the birth certificate.  She seems to be the kind of person for whom information is power, meaning, the power to be interesting and have something to tell.  So she loses that privilege from you.

Even better - pick a name, then tell her you picked a different name.  Let her spread that around.  Then, after the baby's born and the birth certificate's signed, MIL will be like "But you said the name was so-and-so... I already told everyone!"  To which you reply "Serves you right for having a big mouth!" (I'll sure you can phrase that more nicely, but that's the sentiment).


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #21 on: July 21, 2013, 10:19:03 PM »
Nope, you are not overreacting.

Your mum didn't "have" to share the news. She *wanted* to share the news. After you told her expressly not to, it was extremely selfish of her to tell other people.

I agree with posters who recommend not telling your mum anything you don't want revealed to the world, in future.

Tea Drinker

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #22 on: July 21, 2013, 11:04:30 PM »
I agree with everyone else about never telling her anything that you don't want in skywriting and on the front page of the New York Times. And yes, warn her once that this is how it's going to be from now on, because she is incapable of not telling the world.

After that, if at any point she says something like "why did you keep it from me?" or "how could you not tell your own mother?" you would be entitled to answer "I/we had to." Which is a lot truer than when she said it, and might be hard for her to answer.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #23 on: July 21, 2013, 11:13:17 PM »
It's hard to believe, given your description of her that this was not predictable.

I understand the natural inclination to want to tell your mom, but are you really surprised that she did this?

I would take it as a very hard lesson and act accordingly from here on out.


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2013, 02:06:07 AM »
Not telling her any more news is a no-brainer: she has proven herself absolutely untrustworthy. She should be the last to know of any further news during or after your pregnancy. She has earned that position quite well. I wouldn't feed her false information--you want to take the moral high ground whenever possible--but by keeping her as out of the loop as she has ensured she'll have to be, she will find out the baby's name/hospital/nursery colours/gender/etc. from other people rather than from you. That will get the point across very well.

If she asks why she was the last to find out, or if she requests information directly, work out a stock response that you can use. "Sorry, mum. You made it clear that you can't be trusted with information, so even though we wanted to tell you, we couldn't." End of discussion--she'll argue and lament and say how unfair you're being by 'overreacting'. Just keep repeating this phrase or leave the room. Put it on her for a change.

It wouldn't be wrong for you to say, "Mom, since you couldn't follow our request to keep the news quiet from *everyone*, we are now going to have to keep information from you. And we'll have to watch very carefully to see if you are going to follow our instructions about baby care as well--you'll need to show us that you will actually listen to what we want. I'm sad--I had hoped to be able to be unguarded with you, but it's clear we will need to be more careful."

It sucks for you--I'm sorry this happened to you.

This absolutely. She blatantly went against your explicit requests without remorse. She still doesn't think she did anything wrong, which is a sure indication that she will do the same thing again if given the chance. I would be very wary of her after the baby is born. Until she earns your trust back, she can't be trusted with unsupervised time with the baby, because there is a pretty huge chance that she'll do what she sees is best, even if it's something you've told her not to do. "Oh don't be silly, whisky helps babies sleep!" or whatever horrible situation you want to come home to after she's been babysitting or whatever. After the birth itself, ensure that while she's around, you have your husband or another pair of trusted and able hands, because you might be too worn out, and there sadly is a chance that she'll try something. "I'll just take little <baby> to see grandpa outside--we'll be back in a moment, stop protesting. Bye!" It will only get worse after the baby is born, experience says.

And I'm sorry this has happened to you. What an awful position to be in: being unable to tell your own mother anything sensitive or quiet.

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2013, 04:30:23 AM »
*waves HI to the OP* Hiya Sweetie  :-*

Another Aussie here (actually we are like Ninjas on the board, quietly everywhere lol)

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2013, 05:31:55 AM »
It's hard to believe, given your description of her that this was not predictable.

I understand the natural inclination to want to tell your mom, but are you really surprised that she did this?

I would take it as a very hard lesson and act accordingly from here on out.

I can kind of see why the OP told her Mum. My folks will attempt to trample all over my boundaries for small things, but can be relied upon to behave when the stakes are higher. It's like being pecked to death by sparrows instead of a shark.

Oh Joy

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2013, 05:34:25 AM »
You are not overreacting in the sense that this was a huge boundary-stomping.  However, I suggest that you not let it take up any more of your energy than needed.  Your reserves are needed for you and that growing babe, and there's no benefit to feeding the drama llama.  She 'knows' she was wrong and you are mad.

Giving false information or making her the last to know things is neither polite or positive; avoid getting sucked into a cycle of nasty.  Simply demote her to 'general family member' status instead of the inside circle. 

Let those actions - and nonparticipation in the game - speak louder than words for now.  In the future, if she requests something with the bundle that requires your trust, present your response as a dilemma in light of her not respecting your wishes on this issue.

And best wishes!


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2013, 05:59:25 AM »
I not only wouldn't tell her any news but I would let her know she isn't being told anything. Hopefully that way she will learn and you can mend things.

It's hard when some one breaks trust with you like this.

My pregnancy destroyed my relationship with my step MIL who I was really close too.
She put on FB when my baby was born, her weight and name etc before I was even out of delivery.
I later found out she had been telling all her friends that I was pregnant weeks before we told every one. I wasn't going to even tell them until I was 12 weeks but I had Hyperemesis and while I was good at hiding it, we stayed with my MIL on visits and it was obvious. I wasn't telling one without the other so SMIL and FIL got told.

I have stopped telling her things and she clearly misses our old relationship but there is no way I can trust her again.
Other things were done after confirming to me this was something she did a lot and it was not just baby fever.
“For too long, we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds. And that's a very good thing.” - Jonah Lehrer


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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2013, 06:26:43 AM »
My mother is an absolute saint in many many ways, but she cannot keep exciting news to herself. It's a small character flaw, and I just keep stuff to myself now.

You're not over-reacting, it's really annoying to have your news shared, especially when you had asked your Mum not to share.