Author Topic: 'But I had toooooo'  (Read 9967 times)

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kckgirl

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #30 on: July 22, 2013, 07:36:06 AM »
She really didn't "have" to, she "wanted" to. I'd be very careful about telling her when the baby is born until you're ready for people to know. You'll lose your one and only chance to announce your own child's birth.
Maryland

Coley

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #31 on: July 22, 2013, 07:43:55 AM »
You are not overreacting in the sense that this was a huge boundary-stomping.  However, I suggest that you not let it take up any more of your energy than needed.  Your reserves are needed for you and that growing babe, and there's no benefit to feeding the drama llama.  She 'knows' she was wrong and you are mad.

Giving false information or making her the last to know things is neither polite or positive; avoid getting sucked into a cycle of nasty.  Simply demote her to 'general family member' status instead of the inside circle. 

Let those actions - and nonparticipation in the game - speak louder than words for now.  In the future, if she requests something with the bundle that requires your trust, present your response as a dilemma in light of her not respecting your wishes on this issue.

And best wishes!

POD. Your mom trampled your boundaries. I think weeblewobble's post offers a good way to present the dilemma: If mom says, "I had to," you can respond with, "No, you didn't 'have to.' You made a choice, and your choice stepped on our toes. Now we aren't sure if we can trust you to follow our wishes."

DH and I found out in April that we are expecting our first grandchild. It was still the first trimester, and we were sworn to secrecy. We promised not to tell anyone. And we didn't. The parents-to-be told the people they wanted to tell, including DH's ex (the paternal grandmother), who can't keep her mouth shut. She evidently told everyone on her side of the family. A month later, my stepson and DIL held a big party with her family to make the big announcement. We found out about the party after the fact. There was no party to tell stepson's family. When DH asked his son why they didn't hold a similar event for his own family, his response was, "Mom already told everybody, so what was the point?" Well, she may have told HER side of the family, but everyone on DH's side of the family didn't know because we kept the secret. After the party, most of DH's family found out on Facebook. DH asked his son if he planned to e-mail some uncles and others who aren't on Facebook, and my stepson said no. DH told them. It felt to DH as if his family was being punished because of his ex's behavior. 

I'm sharing this as an example of consequences that can occur when parents trample their adult children's boundaries. I don't know whether my stepson and DIL shared their feelings with his mother, but I hope they did. Otherwise, their behavior comes across as PA. And we felt caught in the crossfire.

MrTango

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #32 on: July 22, 2013, 08:15:55 AM »
OP, I think you're absolutely right to be upset that your mother has disregarded your privacy.

From now on, I wouldn't tell her anything you wouldn't want everyone and their dog to know.  When she complains that you never tell her anything anymore, let her know that this is the consequence of not being able to keep her mouth shut about your pregnancy.

cutejellybeen

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #33 on: July 22, 2013, 08:29:09 AM »
OP I'm so sad that your mom did that to you. It sucks and you are NOT overreacting. I would be so hurt if my mother did this to me. My mom is a terrible liar - Especially when it comes to her mother. So at family dinner one night my grandmother cornered her, asked if I was expecting and mom caved and told her to talk to me. 30 seconds later I was called to the kitchen. Unfortunately that pregnancy didn't progress, but I know now that if I don't want my grandmother to know my Mom needs to have stock lines, such as "not as  far as I know" or "she hasnt mentioned". I need to remind her its OK to lie to her mom about this as its NOT her news. She gets it but finds it hard. I was able to forgive because she didn't mean to, not really.

Your mom however would be learning things last, and not getting a call about labour until the baby was already born, perhaps just before you announced it to the world yourself. (hugs) this is not an easy situation for you.



TootsNYC

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #34 on: July 22, 2013, 10:15:00 AM »
OP I'm so sad that your mom did that to you. It sucks and you are NOT overreacting. I would be so hurt if my mother did this to me. My mom is a terrible liar - Especially when it comes to her mother. So at family dinner one night my grandmother cornered her, asked if I was expecting and mom caved and told her to talk to me. 30 seconds later I was called to the kitchen. Unfortunately that pregnancy didn't progress, but I know now that if I don't want my grandmother to know my Mom needs to have stock lines, such as "not as  far as I know" or "she hasnt mentioned". I need to remind her its OK to lie to her mom about this as its NOT her news. She gets it but finds it hard. I was able to forgive because she didn't mean to, not really.

Your mom however would be learning things last, and not getting a call about labour until the baby was already born, perhaps just before you announced it to the world yourself. (hugs) this is not an easy situation for you.


Poor Mom! I'm glad you can forgive her.

I have a stock phrase for her that she can use anytime. My DH used it to great effect back when we were dating:
 
"It is the policy of the United States Navy to neither confirm nor deny the existence of nuclear weapons aboard its vessels."

One thing about hedging/dodging the question is that if your mom ONLY does it when the answer is "yes, she's pregnant," it will be as good as an answer.

A stock phrase like, "I don't gossip about my kids, even to their grandmother. They're grownups. If they want you to know something about their home or their family, they will tell you."

Or "please don't pry, Mom. If they want you to know, they'll tell you." That's even better than "You'll have to ask her," bcs it send the message that these questions *are* prying.

Cherry91

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #35 on: July 22, 2013, 10:39:19 AM »
Next time she says "I have to", call her on it.

"Do you mum, do you really HAVE to? Or do you WANT to, and nothing else, including my opinion, matters more than that to you?"

If she can't take the hint, stop telling her things in confidence.

But seriously, that "I have to" thing would drive me INSANE

ThistleBird

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #36 on: July 22, 2013, 11:52:52 AM »
Sheesh, what an awful, childish thing to do, from your own mother. Can't people grow up and catch on that there are darn good reasons for secrecy in the first trimester?

The first time I got pregnant, I was naive and told everyone immediately. I miscarried. I had to then tell everyone that. It's hard to explain the why and how of my feelings exactly, but it felt awful having it be so public; I wanted to grieve in private but everyone I knew seemed to feel they would be rude if they didn't bring it up and offer condolences. I got so I didn't want to see anyone or leave the house.

The second time (I'm in my sixth month now) we kept it a dead secret (except from our parents, who are reliable) until the first-trimester ultrasound when the doctor told us everything looked OK. Oh--except that one of my neighbors/church acquaintances, a guy who is sometimes unthinkingly obnoxious and can't keep a secret, *asked* me if I was pregnant. I thought *that* was rude, honestly--he knew what had happened the year before. I told him yes, because I knew my face had already given it away, showed my annoyance at being asked, and told him I wasn't telling people. Later his mom called me to say she was praying for the pregnancy. They meant well but I felt invaded--they're not who I would have chosen to tell, and now if I had lost this child too, they would have been the only ones besides family whom we had to share the bad news with.

There ought to be an etiquette rule about *not freakin' prying into people's pregnancies.* For the pryer, it's a nice little thrill; for the pregnant woman it is a deeply personal issue. But it seems like most bystanders just giggle and accept the prying as OK.

I think we should make it more widely known how common miscarriages are in the first trimester. I think way too many people have no idea. A lot of the pryers (though not all) might have the sense to leave it alone if they realized. That's why, even though I didn't want to talk about my miscarriage at the time, I talk about it now.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry that you can't trust your mother with something like this. That hurts.

cwm

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #37 on: July 22, 2013, 12:02:25 PM »
There ought to be an etiquette rule about *not freakin' prying into people's pregnancies.* For the pryer, it's a nice little thrill; for the pregnant woman it is a deeply personal issue. But it seems like most bystanders just giggle and accept the prying as OK.

...I thought there was one. AFIK, it's horribly rude to ask someone if they're pregnant.

OP, what your mother did was horrible. I'd keep all personal information from her. If she starts asking, tell her in a calm way exactly why you're not telling her. If she promises she'll be better, give her some little bit of information that's really not important, but as a test. If she tells someone, call her on it immediately and tell her that she will not be getting any more information, nor will she be allowed unsupervised time with the baby until she has proven that she can accept YOUR methods of parenting and respect YOUR boundaries rather than doing anything she wants to.

And if she tells you she had to, ask her if the repercussions of not doing what she "had to" (i.e. telling everyone) is worse than the repercussions of doing what she "had to" and living with the limited information/contact with baby.

Also, congrats!

LadyClaire

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #38 on: July 22, 2013, 12:07:18 PM »
That's like DH's mother. Heck, she didn't even need me to be pregnant to announce to his whole family that I was pregnant. One day, DH got a call from his sister, asking if I really was pregnant. DH, puzzled, told her "no" and asked why she'd asked. Their mother had apparently been telling everyone that I was pregnant. I wasn't. We were thinking of buying a house and she made a huge leap and assumed it was because we were expecting, and proceeded to go ahead and tell everyone that I was.

Since then, we've demoted her to "last to know" on everything big, and "doesn't need to know" on anything related to health, employment, and so on. She has zero boundaries and nothing is off limits, to her. She will freely discuss highly personal medical issues with anyone and everyone. Whenever we do have a child, there will be no details shared with her beyond the very basic ones, and only when/if we're ready for everyone else to know.

whatsanenigma

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #39 on: July 22, 2013, 12:18:27 PM »
I was raised with a very strict rule about this subject.  If somebody tells you they are pregnant, congratulate them and be happy.  But do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, tell anybody else.  You just...don't do that.  Not even if she posted on facebook when she was going off birth control and now is posting pictures of the blue stick. (Not that any of my FB friends have done this, but I have heard of it happening!)

You don't even do it after the person starts to show and it is an open topic of conversation.  You can talk about it if someone else brings it up, but don't announce it to anyone yourself.  But it is critical that during that first trimester, you keep your mouth shut.  Absolutely shut.  No exceptions.

Now, the original reason for this was a bit unscientific, I admit.  In the area where my parents grew up, it was thought that you might "curse" or "jinx" the pregnancy if you talked about it too much too soon, and your chances of miscarriage would actually increase, beyond the ordinary rate of miscarriages, stillbirths, etc.

Obviously this isn't true.  Your odds are your odds.  And the people I know who follow the rule nowadays know that fully well.  But they are still aware that miscarriages can happen, even in this day and age.  You can't take a pregnancy for granted.  And everybody that you tell that you are pregnant, you have to then explain what happened if a tragedy happens.

Which is why I think the other rule I was brought up with is also a good one, even today.  If you are the one who is pregnant, until the first trimester passes (or after the "quickening" is another way I have heard it)  don't tell anybody that you are pregnant that you would not want to know if you lose the pregnancy.  Only tell people you don't mind "untelling".

It's wonderful, of course, that so many more pregnancies result in healthy babies than in the past, but I wish so many people wouldn't take that for granted.

Pen^2

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #40 on: July 22, 2013, 12:41:40 PM »
I was raised with a very strict rule about this subject.  If somebody tells you they are pregnant, congratulate them and be happy.  But do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, tell anybody else.  You just...don't do that.  Not even if she posted on facebook when she was going off birth control and now is posting pictures of the blue stick. (Not that any of my FB friends have done this, but I have heard of it happening!)

I have this rule for health in general. If you tell me anything personal, I won't tell a soul unless given the okay. And health is by default a personal matter unless stated otherwise.

The mother in this situation... She has shown that she will tell anyone she likes, regardless of OP's instructions or wishes. This means that telling her anything effectively equals telling everyone. So the mother now has to be in the last circle of people to be told things: she doesn't get to be in the inner sanctum anymore. I wouldn't do this out of spite (it's not worth the mental strain), but out of practicality: telling her means telling everyone, so only tell her when you're ready for everyone to know, i.e. the widest and last circle of people. People who refuse to respect the wishes of others lose the privilege of being told things in advance out of sheer practicality. Mother will find out about every bit of baby-related news at the same time as uncle George's hairdresser's cousin. You have my deepest sympathy, OP. But be sure to set boundaries like these now, rather than after the baby is born, as best you can.

TootsNYC

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #41 on: July 22, 2013, 01:00:30 PM »
There ought to be an etiquette rule about *not freakin' prying into people's pregnancies.* For the pryer, it's a nice little thrill; for the pregnant woman it is a deeply personal issue. But it seems like most bystanders just giggle and accept the prying as OK.

...I thought there was one. AFIK, it's horribly rude to ask someone if they're pregnant.


Also, the risk of miscarriage, and the "not telling anyone until the first trimester is over" is incredibly common as well!


whatsanenigma

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #42 on: July 22, 2013, 01:06:14 PM »
I was raised with a very strict rule about this subject.  If somebody tells you they are pregnant, congratulate them and be happy.  But do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, tell anybody else.  You just...don't do that.  Not even if she posted on facebook when she was going off birth control and now is posting pictures of the blue stick. (Not that any of my FB friends have done this, but I have heard of it happening!)

I have this rule for health in general. If you tell me anything personal, I won't tell a soul unless given the okay. And health is by default a personal matter unless stated otherwise.


That is a good point.  I don't pass along anything I hear or overhear about someone's other medical conditions either, but I just wasn't lumping that together with the no talking about pregnancy thing.  Maybe because I never had discussions with my mom or anybody else about the origin of the rule being how it could be a "jinx" like the discussions I had with her about pregnancy and why you don't talk about it.  I have always just kept my mouth shut about health in general because it seems the right thing to do (and I hate it so much when people discuss my health problems behind my back!).

But you are absolutely right.  That would be a good rule for all health matters in general.

Allyson

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #43 on: July 22, 2013, 01:27:23 PM »
"You either made a conscious choice to do it, knowing that we didn't want you to, or you literally couldn't help yourself. Whichever it is, it seems to mean we won't tell you anything before we want everyone to know." Don't even say it meanly or coldly, just as a statement of fact. Which it is. If you take her statement at face value, she *can't* keep the info to herself. So your only choice is not to tell her.

ThistleBird

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #44 on: July 22, 2013, 01:29:02 PM »
It's very good to know that others believe it's rude to pry into pregnancy (and health issues as well.) I get the impression there are many people who are unaware of, or don't believe in, the rule, but knowing that some people do really helps. If a situation like the one with my neighbor ever arises again, maybe this will bolster me to simply reply with "Don't you know it's rude to ask someone that?"