Author Topic: 'But I had toooooo'  (Read 12684 times)

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Bethalize

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #45 on: July 22, 2013, 02:01:08 PM »
The only thing you HAVE to do in life in breathe. Everything else is optional.

Yes, I do say this a lot.

whatsanenigma

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #46 on: July 22, 2013, 02:06:46 PM »
"You either made a conscious choice to do it, knowing that we didn't want you to, or you literally couldn't help yourself. Whichever it is, it seems to mean we won't tell you anything before we want everyone to know." Don't even say it meanly or coldly, just as a statement of fact. Which it is. If you take her statement at face value, she *can't* keep the info to herself. So your only choice is not to tell her.

I like this approach but maybe take out the part about "you either made a conscious choice or...".  Just go with the "you literally couldn't help yourself" part.  Maybe like this:

Quote
"You either made a conscious choice to do it, knowing that we didn't want you to, You want us to believe that you literally couldn't help yourself. Whichever it is, it seems to mean We do believe you, and therefore, we won't tell you anything before we want everyone to know, so you won't have the burden of struggling not to tell and then telling anyway.


Don't confuse her with the other option, basically.  She's so obsessed about convincing you that she has to tell things, I think that if you suggest it might have been conscious choice, she'll just get stuck in that loop again, and insisting that she had to, and because she had to, that makes it okay.

A response that basically says "We know you have to and therefore we won't tell you stuff" would get at the heart of the matter, I think.

Idlewildstudios

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #47 on: July 22, 2013, 02:21:11 PM »
I'm in the "put her in the last to know" club from now on.  My own MIL is a wonderful woman but really, really wanted grand kids.  Hubby and I married at 21 and had no plans to have kids. ( He's older than his siblings by 10 years or so).  Throughout our engagement and during the first 5-6 years of our marriage she *constantly* bugged us about producing grandkids.  We made it clear we weren't planning on any anytime soon.  It became highly annoying. 

Well, after a medical issue left me at risk of possibly never having kids, we decided to try getting pregnant.  We never told anyone of our change of heart  and kept it very much to ourselves, just in case it didn't happen.  Many months later we conceived.  We still kept it quiet for another 2 months to pass the first trimester.  Then, we told *my* parents and asked then not to share.  Which they respected as we knew they would.  They were thrilled with the unexpected surprise. 

We waited another 2 months to tell my in-laws, simply due to nuisance the MIL had made of herself bugging us about reproducing.  I was 3 months pregnant and still telling her were not planning on having kids, she was that obnoxious about it.

gemma156

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #48 on: July 22, 2013, 05:25:05 PM »
Yes, I agree about being put into the last to know bag.  For it to work though you actually have to mention that she is no longer in the circle of trust for your family, due to her past actions.  Think like 'Meet the parents', that she will have to prove her trustworthy to you to be included back in, but to be brought back in and break the trust once more - means that she will be placed in the outer circle permanently.

 

Lindee

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #49 on: July 22, 2013, 05:56:27 PM »
Two friends recently announced they were becoming grandmothers and both said they had known for some time and had been dying to tell but although it was an absolute agony to keep the news to themselves until their daughters were ready to allow the news to become public they did so because they are both considerate lovely people.

Aquamarine

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #50 on: July 22, 2013, 06:17:04 PM »
I just have to say here that the mother's lack of judgement concerning such a basic, straightforward request would make me seriously consider her suitability to be alone with my children.  I couldn't help but wonder if the poor impulse skills and lack of judgement would spill over into other areas of life.  I would have a complete loss of faith and confidence in the integrity of this person.
Always be polite, even to nasty people. Not because they are nice, but because you are.

Sophia

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #51 on: July 22, 2013, 06:33:35 PM »
Not overreacting.

This is the reason we tell my Grandmother NOTHING.  There have been several things that she has been literally the last to know.  Although the stories from when she outed her OWN secrets are funny. 

I would tell her her sad you are that she did this, since now you will be unable to share news with her before the world knows. 

Bluenomi

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #52 on: July 22, 2013, 09:44:38 PM »
Two friends recently announced they were becoming grandmothers and both said they had known for some time and had been dying to tell but although it was an absolute agony to keep the news to themselves until their daughters were ready to allow the news to become public they did so because they are both considerate lovely people.

My parents were the same. When we told them we let them know we were keeping it quite from everyone else including my sisters. They didn't tell anyone. When I rang them after the 12 week scan they excitedly asked if they could tell people now and I gave them the go head. They were trustworthy the first time so got the news early the second time.

MIL, not so much. She told what seemed like half of Scotland but said it was fine since we live in Australia. Nevermind the fact everyone is on facebook or email or something that easily crosses international boarders! As a result when we told my parents I was in labour we didn't tell MIL. She had to wait until DD was born.

SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #53 on: July 22, 2013, 10:00:02 PM »
"Now that I know you can't keep private information to yourself, I won't be able to tell you things. You'll have to wait to hear about other pregnancy/birth and baby/child news until I'm ready for everyone to know. I had hoped I would be able to share things with you before anyone else."

Nemesis

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #54 on: July 23, 2013, 04:16:50 AM »
Sis, is that you??

Seriously, my mother just "has to" do a lot of things that bulldozes on boundaries. I know that you want family support, but you're not going to get it from her without paying a high price (i.e. loss of privacy).

She has to be the last to know. If you're gentle, then she can be the first of the last to know. In other words, only tell her things that you want the whole world to know.

And don't tell her when you are delivering/going into labour/gender of baby etc. If she's anything like my mother (and she sounds like Mom), believe me when I say that she'll take all your special moments away from you.

fountainof

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #55 on: July 23, 2013, 12:28:20 PM »
I personally feel once you tell one person, you tell everyone, so I never tell anything I don't want other people to know.  If I had a relative that I knew couldn't keep a secret I would never tell her a secret, even if it was my mom.  So for telling your mom, I do think you need to understand that you cannot control her and if you know she is a blabber you should have expected it.  Of course, your mom is very rude and now you know, even if you beg, your mom still cares about herself more than others.  Use that info for the future.

I would rather be told something last than keep a secret just because sometimes things randomly come up in conversation and secrets slip out.  I don't want the responsibility for other people's secrets.  If you want something to be a secret, just keep it a secret from the beginning.

Secret

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #56 on: July 23, 2013, 12:41:22 PM »
Yep, MIL is last to know from here on out.  My SIL was the first to find out that even with the most secretive of secrets MIL is not to be trusted. SIL called her mom and said she needed to go to the doctor as she think she was having a miscarriage and could MIL watch older kid.  Mom in law didn't know SIL was pregnant until then. SIL asked mom not to tell anyone.  Guess what she did while watching the older kid?  Called people and let everyone know SIL was PREGNANT.  SIL did have a miscarriage and came home and told mom she'd miscarried and her mom said somthing to the effect,"But I just told people you were pregnant." SIL said, "Well time to call them and tell them you were wrong.

these and a few other incidents have left MIL the absolutely last person to know on any future big news, including mine and her son's.  She was hurt the first time until my hubby said, "well we know you can't keep secrets."  He called her right out on 2 incidents where she told people when she was actually sworn to secrecy.  She couldn't keep pouting when the facts were in her face.  Now she knows why she's last to know and she has never actually tried to fight it anymore. She just accepts why.

padua

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #57 on: July 23, 2013, 12:55:00 PM »
But it need not rob one ounce of joy out of your life or your child's unless you let it.  If breaking the news of your pregnancy is such a big deal to you that having the news leak out makes you feel "robbed" and worry about  a "chance you will never get back", then maybe your mom's drama-seeking has influenced you, and it's a good opportunity to look at how it makes her act and reject it.

I have to completely disagree with this. Someone wanting to share there news with the rest of the world first isn't a drama seeker. Someone who wants to share everyone else's news with the world, especially if they have been requested not to, is a drama seeker and spot light hog. No one should expect the spot light, but no one should steal other people's spot light moments continuously either. The OP's mother is the one with the problem, and the OP has every right to feel the way she should and should take proper steps to build defenses so she doesn't feel it again.

i disagree as well. there's something very wonderful about announcing big events: an engagement, a pregnancy, winning the lottery... i don't think wanting to create a big moment means the OP is emulating her mother's 'ways.' i remember feeling pretty deflated the first time i was pregnant- my husband and i were going to 'announce' the event to his family when his mother blurted out: "wow- you must be pregnant." pbbbbbb.... deflated. the second time around, i told everyone just as my brother was passing me the potatoes- it wasn't as big a deal.

i don't think that feeling of deflation is necessarily robbing you of the joy you have of carrying a child- i think it's an additional joy (and goodness only knows how many little joys you need to buoy you up through pregnancy!).

KenveeB

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #58 on: July 23, 2013, 01:41:09 PM »
MIL, not so much. She told what seemed like half of Scotland but said it was fine since we live in Australia. Nevermind the fact everyone is on facebook or email or something that easily crosses international boarders! As a result when we told my parents I was in labour we didn't tell MIL. She had to wait until DD was born.

Ooh, I hate that! You don't get to decide what "counts" for someone else's secret. Not a pregnancy, but I was considering changing jobs and talked to one close friend about it. I stressed that she couldn't tell ANYONE. The next time l saw her parents, they asked me about my interview. I chewed out my friend, and she said "But they don't know anyone you work with." She decided what the important part of "don't tell anyone" was, but it was different from mine. I wasn't just concerned about work finding out, I also didn't want to have to explain myself if I didn't get the job or decided to stay where I was! But because she didn't think that mattered, she redefined her promise. I haven't trusted her with anything I wanted private since.

VorFemme

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #59 on: July 23, 2013, 01:56:43 PM »
I used to have two SILs with the same first name.

Brother's wife and BIL's wife.  Last names started with the same letter - so they were both "JennyB", shall we say.

I was at my parents' house and Mom was asking me about how my ILs were doing.  I mentioned that Jenny was pregnant....and my brother's wife came around the corner just then.  She blurted out "how did you KNOW?!" and was shocked by our gossiping about HER before she announced anything....

I had mentioned that BIL's wife has the same name (different spelling? No difference in how it was pronounced, though) - but she'd apparently not remembered that, in her shock at our talking about HER pregnancy!

I'm not sure if she ever believed me....even after I told them about nephew having been born at the family get together some seven months later (after due date).
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