Author Topic: 'But I had toooooo'  (Read 10055 times)

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Tia2

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #60 on: July 23, 2013, 02:20:25 PM »
The only time someone 'has to' announce someone else's pregnancy is to medical professionals in an emergency when for some reason that person can't answer questions themselves.

I agree - the OP's mother should now get all information only with the rest of the world.

EllenS

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #61 on: July 23, 2013, 02:38:49 PM »
But it need not rob one ounce of joy out of your life or your child's unless you let it.  If breaking the news of your pregnancy is such a big deal to you that having the news leak out makes you feel "robbed" and worry about  a "chance you will never get back", then maybe your mom's drama-seeking has influenced you, and it's a good opportunity to look at how it makes her act and reject it.

I have to completely disagree with this. Someone wanting to share there news with the rest of the world first isn't a drama seeker. Someone who wants to share everyone else's news with the world, especially if they have been requested not to, is a drama seeker and spot light hog. No one should expect the spot light, but no one should steal other people's spot light moments continuously either. The OP's mother is the one with the problem, and the OP has every right to feel the way she should and should take proper steps to build defenses so she doesn't feel it again.

I'm sorry I did not express myself better.  I did not in the least mean that I think OP is a "spotlight hog," and if that is what came across I worded it very badly. What I meant was that there are very important aspects of what her mom did - the violation of privacy, trustworthiness as pp's pointed out, etc.  I think the mom needs strong boundaries set with her, but the importance of the "reveal moment" is, in my opinion, not the most essential thing here.

I also wanted to encourage the OP not to get sucked into a competition with her mother for "ownership" of big family moments.  It is a destructive head-game that nobody can win.  When you are dealing with a person who is that self-centered and without any self-control, you will never, ever, get them to believe it is someone's else's turn to have the spotlight, and they are very likely to compete fiercely for it in increasingly destructive ways.

So if you just stop playing the spotlight game entirely, you get to set boundaries and not waste energy looking for "your turn" or trying to protect your turf, but just enjoying your life.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #62 on: July 24, 2013, 11:58:27 AM »
What Mom really has to do is to keep a secret when asked to do so. Why is it more important to her to blab to extended family than to respect her daughter's wishes?
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Winterlight

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #63 on: July 24, 2013, 12:33:23 PM »
Yep, MIL is last to know from here on out.  My SIL was the first to find out that even with the most secretive of secrets MIL is not to be trusted. SIL called her mom and said she needed to go to the doctor as she think she was having a miscarriage and could MIL watch older kid.  Mom in law didn't know SIL was pregnant until then. SIL asked mom not to tell anyone.  Guess what she did while watching the older kid?  Called people and let everyone know SIL was PREGNANT.  SIL did have a miscarriage and came home and told mom she'd miscarried and her mom said somthing to the effect,"But I just told people you were pregnant." SIL said, "Well time to call them and tell them you were wrong.

these and a few other incidents have left MIL the absolutely last person to know on any future big news, including mine and her son's.  She was hurt the first time until my hubby said, "well we know you can't keep secrets."  He called her right out on 2 incidents where she told people when she was actually sworn to secrecy.  She couldn't keep pouting when the facts were in her face.  Now she knows why she's last to know and she has never actually tried to fight it anymore. She just accepts why.

Good grief, your poor SIL. I think I'd stop telling her much of anything after that, including what the weather's supposed to be today!
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Pen^2

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #64 on: July 24, 2013, 12:51:16 PM »
Yep, MIL is last to know from here on out.  My SIL was the first to find out that even with the most secretive of secrets MIL is not to be trusted. SIL called her mom and said she needed to go to the doctor as she think she was having a miscarriage and could MIL watch older kid.  Mom in law didn't know SIL was pregnant until then. SIL asked mom not to tell anyone.  Guess what she did while watching the older kid?  Called people and let everyone know SIL was PREGNANT.  SIL did have a miscarriage and came home and told mom she'd miscarried and her mom said somthing to the effect,"But I just told people you were pregnant." SIL said, "Well time to call them and tell them you were wrong.

these and a few other incidents have left MIL the absolutely last person to know on any future big news, including mine and her son's.  She was hurt the first time until my hubby said, "well we know you can't keep secrets."  He called her right out on 2 incidents where she told people when she was actually sworn to secrecy.  She couldn't keep pouting when the facts were in her face.  Now she knows why she's last to know and she has never actually tried to fight it anymore. She just accepts why.
Holy cow, that's atrocious. While her own poor daughter is having a miscarriage, she decides to make things all about her and starts ringing relatives to spread gossip?  :o The daughter comes home and is certainly not in the best of moods, tells her mother the bad news, and her mother's first response is to basically say "but what about meee?" instead of, you know, "what can I do to help you cope?"

I'd change the bolded to "you won't keep secrets" or even "you choose not to keep secrets." Because people like this can keep their own secrets. They just choose not to give others the same level of respect because in their mind, others don't matter as much, so neither do their secrets.

Girlie

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #65 on: July 24, 2013, 01:39:48 PM »
Yep, MIL is last to know from here on out.  My SIL was the first to find out that even with the most secretive of secrets MIL is not to be trusted. SIL called her mom and said she needed to go to the doctor as she think she was having a miscarriage and could MIL watch older kid.  Mom in law didn't know SIL was pregnant until then. SIL asked mom not to tell anyone.  Guess what she did while watching the older kid?  Called people and let everyone know SIL was PREGNANT.  SIL did have a miscarriage and came home and told mom she'd miscarried and her mom said somthing to the effect,"But I just told people you were pregnant." SIL said, "Well time to call them and tell them you were wrong.

these and a few other incidents have left MIL the absolutely last person to know on any future big news, including mine and her son's.  She was hurt the first time until my hubby said, "well we know you can't keep secrets."  He called her right out on 2 incidents where she told people when she was actually sworn to secrecy.  She couldn't keep pouting when the facts were in her face.  Now she knows why she's last to know and she has never actually tried to fight it anymore. She just accepts why.

Good grief, your poor SIL. I think I'd stop telling her much of anything after that, including what the weather's supposed to be today!

That hurts my heart for your poor SIL :(.

As far as the OP goes, please add me to the list of people who think it is high time mom gets all of her information on a "need-to-know" basis.

ShadowLady

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #66 on: July 25, 2013, 03:06:38 PM »

To the PP who was asked if she was pregnant at the wrong time: "You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.  - Dave Barry, comedian

Use that quotation, or variations if anyone asks if you are pregnant.  Or respond "Are you saying that I'm *fat*?!?"  That should throw them off long enough for you to make your escape.

Sophia

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #67 on: July 25, 2013, 04:12:47 PM »

To the PP who was asked if she was pregnant at the wrong time: "You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.  - Dave Barry, comedian

Use that quotation, or variations if anyone asks if you are pregnant.  Or respond "Are you saying that I'm *fat*?!?"  That should throw them off long enough for you to make your escape.

That is so true!  I remember talking to a co-worker that had teenage twin girls at the time.  She talked about about how a few days after giving birth she was at the grocery store feeling chipper and svelte (babies were at home).  Someone from an earlier pre-natal class saw her and said, "When are you going to give birth?  You look ready to pop!"  She no longer felt chipper or svelte.  Note, she still remembered this story over a decade later. 

MommyPenguin

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #68 on: July 25, 2013, 04:34:57 PM »
The day after I'd given birth, a friend of ours (who worked IT at the hospital) came to our room to see the baby.  When I got out of bed, he looked at my stomach and commented, "You got another one in there?"  I had known that you didn't lose everything right away, but I'd been sort of shocked at how much my stomach still stuck out, and was somewhat self-conscious about it.  Trust me, that comment did not help at all.  Even though he wasn't saying it to be mean, he was just surprised.  (His wife is now pregnant, and she has been prepped.  :)  )

Figgie

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #69 on: July 26, 2013, 08:44:34 PM »
With my second one, I had gone into labor, had her a couple of hours after I went to the hospital around 5 a.m. and then was home that evening with her.

So, the next day since I was feeling fine, I had put her in a front pack and grabbed my spouse's zip up the front sweatshirt jacket, zipped it up over the baby and went for a quick walk.  A neighbor came up to me and said:  "When are you going to have that baby???  It seems like you've been pregnant for forever."

I smiled, unzipped the jacket far enough so that she could see our youngest sleeping there.  :)  It was priceless the look on her face and I don't think she ever asked another woman if she had had her baby  yet after that.

suzieQ

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #70 on: July 26, 2013, 09:50:31 PM »

To the PP who was asked if she was pregnant at the wrong time: "You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.  - Dave Barry, comedian

Use that quotation, or variations if anyone asks if you are pregnant.  Or respond "Are you saying that I'm *fat*?!?"  That should throw them off long enough for you to make your escape.

That is so true!  I remember talking to a co-worker that had teenage twin girls at the time.  She talked about about how a few days after giving birth she was at the grocery store feeling chipper and svelte (babies were at home).  Someone from an earlier pre-natal class saw her and said, "When are you going to give birth?  You look ready to pop!"  She no longer felt chipper or svelte.  Note, she still remembered this story over a decade later.
It's been 21 years next month for me and I have the same type of story. I went to the store when DD was 5 days old, leaving her at home with DH. Feeling pretty good about myself as my breasts stuck out further than my belly for the first time in 5 months. Thought I was looking good. Until the guy in the aisle with me asked me if I was due, because I certainly looked ready to pop. Thanks, Mister.

PastryGoddess

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Re: 'But I had toooooo'
« Reply #71 on: July 26, 2013, 11:03:33 PM »
With my second one, I had gone into labor, had her a couple of hours after I went to the hospital around 5 a.m. and then was home that evening with her.

So, the next day since I was feeling fine, I had put her in a front pack and grabbed my spouse's zip up the front sweatshirt jacket, zipped it up over the baby and went for a quick walk.  A neighbor came up to me and said:  "When are you going to have that baby???  It seems like you've been pregnant for forever."

I smiled, unzipped the jacket far enough so that she could see our youngest sleeping there.  :)  It was priceless the look on her face and I don't think she ever asked another woman if she had had her baby  yet after that.

:D  That's awesome!
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