Author Topic: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer  (Read 3644 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Saturnine Rodent

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16
I haven't had this problem as of yet, i am curious as to what you'd think. i play video games a lot. it's one of my favourite past times, i love getting immersed into a good story with amazing graphics and interesting characters, it's like an interactive book for me. however i do tend to get very immersed and can forget about the real world the way any gamer does; i forget to clean up, make dinner and so on. i also become even more introverted than usual, i am a little worried that if i dated a guy or girl at some point, i may neglect them or may become lazy during game time. gaming sessions last for about 1-3 hours, one time it was 5 but never more than that. I've read about a lot of partners of gamers feeling neglected and (quite rightly) annoyed at their partner's neglect of their duties. I'm just worried i may become like the partner they're complaining about.

so my question is on one hand; how far do i peel back the leisure time to avoid being a lazy sloth? i get the feeling 1 hour or 2 hours is enough. and how would i bring this up to future partners to let them know that they can call me out on it if I've been too immersed in games and not cleaning the dishes?

also, if i were d@ting another gamer and they were being very sloth like, how would i delicately bring it up and avoid coming across as judgemental and expecting them to give up gaming completely?

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9671
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2013, 01:50:01 PM »
1. It's a question of balance. If my partner wanted to game, say, three nights a week and one longer stretch on the weekend, then my main question would be, is stuff getting done and do I have to repeatedly remind them to get it done? Also, are we getting any time together to do coupley things away from the games? You might decide cut down to two two-hour sessions during the week and one long one, or switch a day. Also, set reminders so they don't have to nag about dishes or dinner, because that's really not fair to them.

2. Arrange a sit-down away from the games, and then talk. "Honey, I love you and want us both to be happy. I'm feeling frustrated about your gaming. I like to game too, but when you don't do the things you said you would because you're too busy on a raid, I get upset because I feel like you're asking me to do all the work while you have all the fun. How can we arrange this so we both have time to game and also get the house stuff done?"
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Tea Drinker

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1308
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2013, 06:37:00 PM »
I think part of it can be handled by scheduling: if you're worried about neglecting a partner, make sure to schedule time to spend with them. You can let "I will hang out with $partner" be the default, but make sure it isn't only the default, and that it doesn't wind up being that you're spending time with them doing chores, and you spend time with other people gaming or going out places.

Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

takeheart

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 173
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2013, 09:10:37 PM »
I'm married to a gamer! Actually, an active hobbyist in general. If it's not video games, it's basketball. If it's not basketball, it's Magic. Compromise and effort got us through a lot of fights. Your partner will have to understand from the beginning that gaming is very much a part of who you are. However, your going to have to understand that gaming doesn't mean you can neglect everything else. DH and I don't have any 'rules' written in stone, but we try to mindful (e.g. DH doesn't play until after DS goes to bed or it's okay if DH plays longer than usual if it's a new release). It took a lot of talking to get to this point. I reminded DH that it isn't fair to me or DS when he comes home from work and goes straight to gaming. DH reminded me that it's not fair to him to make him hang out with me for the sake of hanging out with me because we end up not doing anything. When you start dating someone, you'll have a better idea of how to handle the situation. It's a difficult question to answer since it's a hypothetical question.

Allyson

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1903
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2013, 11:29:49 PM »
My partner and I are both gamers. We will have whole nights spent (some would say wasted, I'm sure) with him playing on the XBox and me playing Dragon Age on the computer, say. But when it is *our* time it's *our* time. I would suggest a big separation between Now Is Gaming (Internet, Reading, TV) Time, and Now Is Couple Time. That way gaming time is less likely to 'creep' into couple time if you don't want it to.

I think it really varies by couples--two gamers will obviously have a much higher tolerance, or even one gamer and one person with another absorbing hobby. I think it's all about making sure that when you do have a 5 hour gaming session, it's when the partner is *not* bored at home wanting your attention.

As for the household stuff, I think it's a matter of degree. If once or twice a year a great new game comes up and you lose a couple days of dishes to it, that's one thing. It's another if things are repeatedly piling up every time something exciting comes up. I think this is something that needs to get figured out pretty early in a relationship if you don't want it to be a constant battle--some people are *never* going to have the same standards of cleanliness, for instance. So if you have those standards it is easier to say 'hey, you've been really absorbed with X game lately and Y and Z haven't happened--can we fix this?'

Pen^2

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1107
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2013, 03:51:20 AM »
DH and I are both avid gamers, but we prefer quite different types of games, so we don't play together. If I can, I like to play for a few hours at a time on weeknights (unless I'm too busy from work or whatever). We've found it works best, though, if we play at the same time (him on his computer and me on mine) so that neither of us feels neglected while the other is engrossed in something. Scheduling gaming time like Allyson suggests could also work well for you and your potential future partner. It can easily work well with a non-gamer, just like any other big hobby, as long as both parties make the effort to make it work.

With dishes and so on, scheduling has worked very well for us. I'll always wash dishes immediately after a meal, before I do anything else. In the rare cases when something has to be left to soak, it gets washed after the next meal, no later. Right after brushing my teeth each morning I allocate 5 minutes to cleaning--usually involving me running around like a madman with a dust mop. DH has similar things that are his jobs to do. For both of us, as long as we stick to our schedule, household chores get done without much effort and we get time to spend with each other. I feel it isn't another person's job to remind you what to do once you're an adult, and you should work on organising yourself so that at least most of the time they don't have to be burdened with this unfairly.

Sundays are our "go out and do something" day. We have a list of local things that we haven't seen/done (compiled largely from Trip Advisor, although we add to it whenever we see an ad for something interesting). Come rain or shine, we'll go and do something on that list every Sunday (various specialist museums, parks, zoos, etc.) which ensures that even if we've both had a busy week, we'll get to spend some time relaxing with each other while experiencing something new.

GSNW

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 545
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2013, 04:45:21 AM »
I gamed for many years and even would up working for six years on my favorite game.  I loved it and many of my close friends are people I met through that game.  My husband tried playing the game once with me, but he was SO not into it.  Just not his thing.

We had to do a lot of working around my gaming time, at first.  I totally understand how you, as a player, get totally immersed in the action.  If you're playing with others, you can't always control when things "get interesting" and stepping away when you'd planned to do so can be very hard. 

First off, impose limits on yourself and do it now.  Figure out how this works best for you when you factor in work and other stuff.  Eventually you will probably be in a relationship and it will be easier not to ditch your SO for the game if you already have a sort of self-checking system in place.  In addition, make your expectations to your SO clear if they are around *while* you are playing.  I couldn't game and carry on a conversation, and DH got very frustrated at trying to communicate with me.  We finally agreed I would play in another room and he would not interrupt me unless it was an emergency -- this only worked if I stuck to limits, though, and didn't hole up for 8 hours a day.

Someone else said it's about balance, and that's absolutely correct.  Lots of people struggle to understand why gamers love to play, and it can be hard not to take it personally when people are dismissive of something you feel attached to.  But don't forget how awesomely interactive the world outside can be too!

newbiePA

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 924
    • Outside the Marinara Zone- our new blog :)
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2013, 07:19:20 AM »
I actually think his has very little to do with gaming, and more to do with hobbies in general.  I'm a runner. I love to run.  I would do 2 a day workouts and race 2x month in season.  This takes time away from housekeeping, and my spouse, and my baby.   So now, I don't run as long, or as often as I did in my single days, but the house and family are better for it.  On the other hand, while we were dating, I made it very clear that running was important to me, and I would not stop completely.  Balance and compromise in all things :)
Not such a newbie anymore

cwm

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2427
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2013, 12:04:28 PM »
My BF is a table top gamer. I have to remind him that I really like time with just him. Otherwise he'd have parties every weekend and people over every night to play games. He keeps going out and buying new ones when he's already got so many he hasn't played yet because they look interesting. Then he plays them once, they're not as good as the hype, and it's time to put them into another closet and out of rotation only to be dragged out a while down the road because it's a game he has't played in a while, and nothing I can do will remind him that last time he played it he didn't like it.

It's good that you're thinking of this, OP. I think the best thing to do would be sit down with anyone once you start dating and discuss with him/her what would be okay and what wouldn't. Tell him/her that you do enjoy your games and would like at least X hours a week, but it can be split up over several nights. Ask them what wouldn't be acceptable, how long of a stretch is too long, and make sure that person knows that it is perfectly acceptable to bring it up to you for further discussion if things aren't working too well. As long as there's open lines of communication and you're both willing to work towards a healthy relationship, there's nothing wrong with having a very time-intensive hobby.

miranova

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1878
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2013, 05:23:16 PM »
I don't think you are going to change who you are.  You enjoy this hobby. Be upfront about it.  There are plenty of other gamers out there or people who have other hobbies that they would be happy to do while you are gaming.  If you want to spend less time gaming as a personal goal for YOU, because YOU think it's too much time, then set some goals for yourself and work on it.  But I don't think you'll have much success doing this for someone else or to appear less interested in this hobby because you are afraid a partner won't like it.  That won't last, and it's not honest.  Be who you are.  If you want to change who you are, do that for yourself, not a potential someone else. 


mbbored

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5315
    • Budget Grad Student
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2013, 01:42:17 AM »
I don't think you are going to change who you are.  You enjoy this hobby. Be upfront about it.  There are plenty of other gamers out there or people who have other hobbies that they would be happy to do while you are gaming.  If you want to spend less time gaming as a personal goal for YOU, because YOU think it's too much time, then set some goals for yourself and work on it.  But I don't think you'll have much success doing this for someone else or to appear less interested in this hobby because you are afraid a partner won't like it.  That won't last, and it's not honest.  Be who you are.  If you want to change who you are, do that for yourself, not a potential someone else.

This. First and foremost, be yourself and find a partner who likes you just as you are. There are a lot of gamers out there looking to date and other people who have their own hobby and pursuits.

Secondly, once you find somebody who suits, talk with them. Find out how they feel about how much time you spend gaming and how you feel about their own hobbies. After that, keep having conversations. You can say "Hey honey, I love playing games with you but I'd like a little change in routine. Why don't we cut back one evening a week and go on a date?", etc. And let them know they can say the same to you.

Saturnine Rodent

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 16
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2013, 02:32:16 PM »
cheers for all the advice! i appreciate it a lot and will try my best to schedule appropriately to avoid possible neglect in the future, friends and family often feel i play too much and i was worried i may have had to drop the hobby completely, the idea of a compromise sounds a lot more reasonable and healthy relationship wise!
thanks E-hellions!

GSNW

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 545
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2013, 09:58:32 PM »
If you've ever watched "The Guild," and I don't know many gamers that haven't, the first scene of episode one is quite representative of how we all feel sometimes.  It shows a main character on the phone while playing her game, and a post-it on her desk says, "Two hours of online time per day!" with the "2" crossed out, subsequently the 3, and 4... to allow for five :)

blarg314

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8433
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2013, 12:44:05 PM »
I think things do change when you acquire a partner, from both sides. This applies not just to gaming, but to other hobbies/activities, and how you handle daily routines.  Balance is important, as are priorities. If your partner feels neglected when you spend all day in front of a game, or annoyed that dirty dishes are piling up while you finish one more Guild quest, that's a problem that needs to be addressed.

You can be open about your gaming habits from the very beginning, so they know what they're getting into (ie, tell them "I'm staying in this weekend to play an epic session of WOW, rather than dropping the gaming early in the relationship to spend time with them and having it creep up later).

You can schedule marathon games and give warning, so your partner knows when you'll re-emerge, and can make plans to amuse themselves in the meantime.

For more daily life, it's important to prioritize so your partner doesn't feel like it's a burden on them - that can mean doing the dishes before starting playing, or setting a timer so you stop in time when it's your turn to cook dinner, or not starting something one afternoon because you've got a family dinner you promised to go to. With any hobby, it can help to pay attention to how much time you spend on it total, and whether it's overwhelming other parts of your life.

On their part - look for someone who is fairly independent,  with interests and hobbies of their own, who doesn't need constant together time.  You want someone who doesn't consider gaming a waste of time compared to other hobbies like reading, or playing a sport, or watching TV. And you want someone who will understand that the middle of a Boss battle is not the time to start a discussion. :-)


saki

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 813
Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2013, 06:16:51 AM »
It depends on the relationship, obviously, but, as someone whose husband plays a lot of computer games, the key things for me are:

Firstly, that he still does his alloted chores promptly.

Secondly, that when we are scheduled to spend time together, he doesn't ditch me for gaming

Thirdly, that, when he's going off to play games, he gives me an estimate of how long he's going to play for - so that I know how long I have to do my own thing and don't feel like I'm waiting around for him to get off the computer.

In terms of how to bring it up, if you have a sloth-like gamer as a partner, I think the key is to frame it positively rather than negatively.  I.e. "I'd really like to spend more time with you - how about we go out for dinner/go to a museum/go for a walk/whatever" rather than "I hate it when you spend hours gaming"