Author Topic: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer  (Read 3870 times)

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Lynn2000

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Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2013, 06:03:25 PM »
I actually think his has very little to do with gaming, and more to do with hobbies in general.  I'm a runner. I love to run.  I would do 2 a day workouts and race 2x month in season.  This takes time away from housekeeping, and my spouse, and my baby.   So now, I don't run as long, or as often as I did in my single days, but the house and family are better for it.  On the other hand, while we were dating, I made it very clear that running was important to me, and I would not stop completely.  Balance and compromise in all things :)

POD to this. I think this discussion really pertains to a lot of hobbies, and even other things like work and school. For example, when my friend Amy's DH Adam was going to school part-time and also working full-time, she would get mad because he would put off his homework and studying to do fun things with other people, and then when it was supposed to be "couple time," suddenly he had to get his homework done. I don't think he was doing it on purpose, he just didn't schedule himself very well, and inadvertently made spending time with her the lowest priority. I think it's really all the same idea.
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katycoo

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Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2013, 07:14:37 PM »
Here's the thing: Getting your partner to police the time you spend gaming is not going to work.

1. Its YOUR responsibility to stick to whatever time frame you agree to.
2. It makes your partner feel like a nag.

If you decide 2 hours of gaming is a good amount of time you need to be prepared to shut i off at 2 hours.  Not "I'll just finish this bit" because that's how it drags out.
Set an alarm to notify you.  Stick to your own limits.  Do chores/household obligations BEFORE you start.

Make appointments and stick to them.  If you want to book time with yourself for gaming, go ahead and do it.  But if you book time for other things and you miss out on gaming time because you did't plan accordingly, that's your own fault.  But shirking other priorities to game isn't cool.

blarg314

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Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2013, 11:38:43 PM »
Here's the thing: Getting your partner to police the time you spend gaming is not going to work.

1. Its YOUR responsibility to stick to whatever time frame you agree to.
2. It makes your partner feel like a nag.


This is a very, very good point. Being expected to police someone else's hobbies/responsibilities makes you feel like an exasperated parent, not a romantic partner, the same way having to repeatedly nag someone to do their chores does. Something like "Dinner in ten" called into the living room is one thing, but "Honey, it's time for dinner......  Dinner, now! No, now, not ten more minutes. I don't care if you're in the middle of a guild quest, dinner is ready - don't make me come in there." will really kill the romance.

One thing I will note - if someone has an intense hobby, whether it's gaming, or golf, or a club, or whatever, if they have kids, the hobby has to take a backseat for a long time. It doesn't necessarily mean dropping it completely, but things like 5 hour gaming sessions or a golfing weekend become rare, precious, and at the agreement of their partner only, because their partner is no longer free to amuse themselves while they do their hobby.

One of my gaming group has temporarily dropped out because his wife just had their second child. One of the other players is agitating for him to come back as soon as possible, and regards the wife as a bit of a control freak. I keep pointing out that they have two small children, the dad works full time, and his wife has followed him to a foreign country for his job, where she can't work even though finances are tight, has no local family, can't afford to visit family more than once a year, is left alone with the kids when her husband travels for work, and doesn't speak the local language. So yeah, spending a Saturday playing games should probably be shelved for a while.

Cami

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Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2013, 04:20:26 PM »
I think it's part of the discussion every couple should have about expectations for time spent together and how that time will be spent. I'd bring it up within the first five dates and would appreciate my date doing the same.

As an example -- if I have a very demanding job with limited free time and I want to spend that free time relaxing, then I would not be a good match for a guy who wants to spend his free time playing sports with me. Or another example -- if I want to spend at least some of my free time interacting with my partner and my partner wants to spend ALL  his free time watching sports and I hate sports, then we are not a good match.

I also think both people in a relationship need to be self-aware. What do you want out of a relationship? What do you bring to a relationship (what are you GIVING the other person)? Are your expectations realistic? If I cut back on my hobby now in order to "win and woo" my partner, am I going to stick to those limits once I've "caught" my partner? (In other words, am I going to pull a bait and switch?) That kind of self awareness should lead to honesty with the potential partner and realistic expectations.

When both people have realistic expectations, there is a far greater likelihood of success.
« Last Edit: August 01, 2013, 04:23:45 PM by Cami »

White Lotus

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Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2013, 10:53:06 PM »
We have a balance that takes formal scheduling to achieve.  It was hard at first, but now it is pretty effortless. We have a couple of things we both love --sports -- that we do together.  Then we have the separate things.  My husband gardens madly and adores the study and practice of antique food preservation methods and heirloom and antique foods. I paint.  I like to hear his discoveries and enjoy the products.  He likes going to openings and seeing my work.  I am not going to mess in his garden and he doesn't have any desire to sit in my studio while I work.  So we schedule around joint and separate activities, generally doing our separate activities at the same time.  These all occur around the mandatory activities of work, housework, child-rearing when they were little and so on.  Anyone who didn't hold up his or her end on the mandatories would be reminded, oh, yes, she would be and was! We do a lot of those together, or different mandatory tasks at the same time.  Try to have fun things you do together that you both enjoy, make sure the mandatories are fairy divided and are mandatory (before any fun -- wait, the kids were fun), make sure you have separate passions to indulge separately, and schedule.  You game -- make sure he has an individual passion other than watching TV with you. 

Minmom3

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Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #20 on: August 03, 2013, 01:21:00 PM »
Along those lines, but somewhat different.  I belonged to an aquatic society for a few years - fish tank enthusiasts, some newbies like me with a long term passion for them but little knowledge, others who had science degrees of one kind or another and were known experts in some facet of keeping a fish tank, the fish, or the plants, etc.  And the entire gamut between.  We had monthly meetings with a speaker each month.  One month, one of the members gave a talk on keeping your hobby/passion going while in a relationship/marriage, and keeping the hobby in bounds and not angering the partner.  I don't remember his title, but the gist was all about discussing things, coming to a budget that was fair - large enough to fund the hobby but small enough to not rob the rest of the household - and sticking to it.  His example was his fish hobby gets 10% of the family budget.  He was funny, but spot on.  The money and time spent on a hobby/passion should never leave the other person(s) feeling cheated or lesser.  The kids get new clothes before you get your New Fancy Fish, and nobody wants to be a Fish Tank Widow.

It applies equally well to any other money and time suck that isn't actually a source of employment revenue in a family.  IMO.  Balance is IMPORTANT if you want the relationship to continue.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

Nikko-chan

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Re: etiquette of da[color=black]ting[/color] and being a gamer
« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2013, 01:27:57 PM »
Three hours isn't all that much. I would, like other posters have said, be mindful of the time and the things you may neglect over your gaming.

I do have a bit of experience with this as my boyfriend is a gamer, and does need to learn to prioritize things. I think honestly you are fine with three hours a day. If your partner feels it is to much, then cut it down.