Author Topic: BWW after a decade of living together...  (Read 11830 times)

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bloo

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #15 on: July 22, 2013, 02:59:23 PM »
After 10 years together, it's entirely possible that the things they had/acquired at the beginning are getting quite worn out &/or broken and need to be replaced. Like dishes.

DH & I just got married after living together for several years. We registered for new dishes because we need them - the ones we've had from before are getting chipped & broken, and we now have a rather odd mis-matched set of old dishes. Same with the blender and microwave - old ones were dead or dying.

The three showers, OTOH, is rather over the top, especially if the same people are being invited to more than one of them.

I think the idea of a gift should come from those that wish to gift to (general) you. It shouldn't be the thought of the one receiving. That's why I'm not a fan of registries, although I will use them.

Everyone has stuff that needs replacing after awhile. I got a microwave as gift from my parents when I got married. I'm on my third one after 22 years and I've purchased the second as well. I'm not trying to pick on you, jedikaiti, but I guess what I'm thinking is that if I felt the need to get married after many years of living together, I think it would embarrass me to be soliciting any gifts and it wouldn't occur to me to utilize the wedding to replace stuff that's old and worn out. That's my responsibility. I'm not saying that you're getting married to simply do that, of course!

Then again, it would embarrass me to have a registry even if I had the BWW at age 18, when we did get married. That's my personal view.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2013, 03:02:38 PM »
If you gifted at each graduation THEN he got married, then had 3 kids (with showers for each) would you still be feeling this way?

I would have attended the shower for baby #1 then diapers for baby #2 and #3

And if they had another big shower for baby #3  yes I would feel resentful

Enough already, IMO you get one big shower for baby #1 (unless the children are far apart or there are unusual circumstances) not a big shower for every darn kid.     

Virg

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2013, 03:10:10 PM »
I agree with the others that the order of the events doesn't matter.  I take the stand that three bridal showers and three baby showers are where they fell into the "gift grabby" trap, not that they're having a big wedding after living together for however long.

Virg

audrey1962

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2013, 03:13:34 PM »
I just feel a little resentful at being expected to give yet ANOTHER gift.  KWIM?   

Of course I would have sent something (check) in a card, it's the entitlement, expectation I'm having an issue with.  I feel like three showers for this couple is over the top in gimme pigging. 

Then don't give a gift.

Re: The bolded. Is the HC acting entitled? Are they doing or saying something to make you think they are? Are they throwing their own showers?
« Last Edit: July 22, 2013, 03:20:32 PM by audrey1962 »

lady_disdain

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2013, 03:18:55 PM »
I think three showers with distinct guests (and we have no evidence that people were invited to all three) is a lot more personal and less gift grabby than one, single huge shower where the bride can barely say hello to all the guests. For example, a family only shower, which can double as a "meet the other side" event, a simple get together for coworkers and another event for friends. Each would have around 25 people who either know each other or have similar relationships to the happy couple. That is a lot different from 75 people, many of which don't know each other, and watching the bride open 75 gifts (boring!).

As for the registry, I have to agree with previous posters who said it was a no win situation. If they don't register, it is a cash grab or inconvenient for guests. If they register for the usual stuff, it shouldn't be meant to upgrade their life. If they register for unusual gifts, people will complain that a camping tent isn't a proper wedding gift. If the registry bothers anyone, feel free to ignore it and give whatever you like.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2013, 03:21:26 PM »
I just feel a little resentful at being expected to give yet ANOTHER gift.  KWIM?   

Of course I would have sent something (check) in a card, it's the entitlement, expectation I'm having an issue with.  I feel like three showers for this couple is over the top in gimme pigging. 

Then don't give a gift.

Re: The bolded. Is the HC acting entitled? Are they doing or saying something to make you think they are?

Getting an invitation to two different showers and knowing there is a third one seems entitled to me.

Virg

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2013, 03:24:01 PM »
lady_disdain wrote:

"I think three showers with distinct guests (and we have no evidence that people were invited to all three) is a lot more personal and less gift grabby than one, single huge shower where the bride can barely say hello to all the guests."

Redneck Gravy stated that she'd been invited to two of the showers.

Virg

nuit93

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2013, 03:27:40 PM »
Inviting the same guests to more than one shower is a tacky thing for any couple to do. That's the only part of this that would bother me.

Me too.  Everything else seems fine.

audrey1962

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #23 on: July 22, 2013, 03:29:13 PM »
I just feel a little resentful at being expected to give yet ANOTHER gift.  KWIM?   

Of course I would have sent something (check) in a card, it's the entitlement, expectation I'm having an issue with.  I feel like three showers for this couple is over the top in gimme pigging. 

Then don't give a gift.

Re: The bolded. Is the HC acting entitled? Are they doing or saying something to make you think they are?

Getting an invitation to two different showers and knowing there is a third one seems entitled to me.

Did the HC send you both invitations?

JoieGirl7

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2013, 03:29:38 PM »
For me, its the idea that they skipped over the wedding part and went right to living as a married couple, making a home together, having children.    So, why should I be asked to give them a gift for an event that seems long past even if it wasn't "legal."

It seems to me one of the principle ideas of a wedding is that it is a beginning point, not a midway point.  There is an element of "making" something "permanent."  If someone was living together for 10 years as man and wife, sharing a home and having children, I would consider them about as "married" as any other married couple--treat them as a social unit, never wonder if they were "going to get married" at some point.

I get that people's personal feelings about marriage change over time and a couple that was unwilling to legally marry early on can change their minds.  But, that's not really any of my business.  Socially, I am doing my job by accepting them as a married couple because they are choosing to live that way.  So, when it comes around, hey, now we're ready to do the whole BWW thing, I wouldn't really be on board with that to the same extent that I would for a couple who is truly starting out and would kind of feel the way the OP does.

I can understand "cuz they wanna."  But their "wanna" doesn't turn into the same "wanna" for me as it would for a couple who has not been living together as a married couple for 10 years.

I could celebrate aspects of them deciding to marry but not to the same fullness because they had already skipped over, well, most of it!

And I don't know where the cut off in years would be for me, but I would accept the generally held 7 years which, in many places holds that you are in a common law marriage.

That said, I think a lot of people register at a lot of different stores for a great many things because they get a discount from the store on any of those items that were not purchased later on.

If a couple that has been together for 10 years wants to have a big party and make it legal, that's great.  But, if they are expecting a windfall of gifts, that would be entitlement.

rose red

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2013, 03:31:57 PM »
Everyone has different opinions on weddings and gifts and showers, etc.  It's really a hot topic.  I think the answer is "if you think it's rude and a gift grab and makes you resentful" then RSVP no and simply mail a nice card.

Even if the couple is rude and etiquette challenged (and I'm not saying they are), there's nothing we can do about them.  We can only act on what we feel and believe in, and that's going or not going to the event.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2013, 03:35:25 PM by rose red »

Redneck Gravy

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2013, 03:33:01 PM »
(Mod hat off)

I don't understand the resentment that people have toward couples who register even if they lived together beforehand. The prevailing objection I notice echoes what you object to--that the couple already has an established household, therefore already have what they want/need.

So what if this couple never lived together but both have the usual assortment of towels, sheets, kitchenware, etc. In other words, they have established households only separately. What's the difference?

Well for example let's say a couple in their 40's are marrying for the first time, both are successful and well established in their fields.  They have a BWW with three wedding showers asking for new dishes, pots & pans, baking sets, linens, small appliances and some furniture. 

I am gonna feel like that is gimme pig grabby. 

And yet they have not lived together, have not been previously married and still want the hoopla of a big white wedding event.  It's each situation individually. 

I don't have an issue with the fact that they lived together before marrying...it just feels like they have been together 10 years and suddenly feel like they can replace all their belongings on others' dime.  Or they've decided to get married and had the great idea that if they throw a big event they can collect big...again it's this situation in it's entirety.     


lady_disdain

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2013, 03:36:46 PM »
lady_disdain wrote:

"I think three showers with distinct guests (and we have no evidence that people were invited to all three) is a lot more personal and less gift grabby than one, single huge shower where the bride can barely say hello to all the guests."

Redneck Gravy stated that she'd been invited to two of the showers.

Virg

She stated she was invited to showers for two of the children. I am discussing wedding showers.

TootsNYC

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2013, 03:39:21 PM »


It just feels out of line to come in 10 years later and want all the hoopla that goes with a BWW, I don't begrudge them the big wedding and nice reception.  It's having three showers (no, I was not invited to all three) with a long registry list that I resent.  And it's not that they shouldn't get nice things because they lived together prior, it's just, I don't know how to put it exactly - greedy sort of. 

Almost like, here we are having our wedding and even though we have been living together 10 years and have an established household with children - we feel entitled to have three showers and replace all of our stuff with new stuff - that YOU buy us.  Okay, well here it is, I guess this is what I'm thinking...

I almost feel like someone might want to renew their vows every 10 years and then expect all of their stuff to be replaced by their family & friends ... does that make sense?  Imagine having three showers every 10 years to get all your stuff replaced with NEW STUFF!

 

I understand where you're coming from. The hooplah about weddings, and even the gifts associated with them, come from a sense that the wedding vows are important, very important. And yet they've clearly demonstrated that they didn't feel that way at all.

So now that they're choosing it, it seems a little attention-grabby. Even the huge party would feel wrong to me. The gifts just take that same aura and make it tangible. But it's the aura that bothers me.

I can't explain it any more logically than that, so there it is.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be glad they're finally getting married and finally acknowledging the importance of the institution. I personally believe in it, and I personally am frustrated by people who want all the benefits that come w/ marriage (insurance coverage, automatically being invited) but don't want the accompanying responsibility. Just my own personal value system.

But I wouldn't be in love with the showers, etc. I'd personally decline all showers and simply give a somewhat-more-modest wedding gift than I normally do.

To reflect the fact that I am glad they are marrying, but I'm not ultra excited for this change in their life the way I am for couples who marry before living together (or before living together very long, perhaps--I can't tell you what sort of time frame would "qualify" them; it's just not that easily codified).

I have no problem with the registry. I just am personally not going to act as thrilled for them as I would for other people, and that would be reflected in my choice of gift.

*inviteseller

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Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2013, 03:56:06 PM »
It is a bit much to have 3 showers when you have an established household.  I would decline the shower invitations and just give them what you feel is right for you as a wedding gift.  You also mentioned baby showers..plural.  You are supposed to get one.  I always decline showers for second and third babies.