### Author Topic: BWW after a decade of living together...  (Read 12778 times)

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#### Redneck Gravy

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##### BWW after a decade of living together...
« on: July 22, 2013, 01:44:33 PM »
I don't want to start a fight with this topic!  I think it has been addressed in other threads that then got hostile and locked.

A friend's son is getting married in September.  He and his BTB are planning a big, white wedding and I have no issue with this.  They have been living together for 10 years and I have no issue with this.  They have children together and I have no issue with this.

BTB is having three wedding showers and the happy couple are registered at several places.  Their list includes all the things a newlywed couple would be needing (dishware, pots, pans, bake sets, linens and small appliances - also some larger furniture items).

Here is where I am having an issue...  I know I'm harsh and judgemental but I feel like it is a gift grab.

Not that newlywed couples shouldn't get nice things but after living together 10 years and having children together (there were baby showers and I gifted at everyone of them).  I also gifted at his high school and college graduation.  I just feel a little resentful at being expected to give yet ANOTHER gift.  KWIM?

Of course I would have sent something (check) in a card, it's the entitlement, expectation I'm having an issue with.  I feel like three showers for this couple is over the top in gimme pigging.

Anybody correct me if I'm out of line with my thinking here.

#### Bexx27

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2013, 01:46:27 PM »
Inviting the same guests to more than one shower is a tacky thing for any couple to do. That's the only part of this that would bother me.
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#### MindsEye

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2013, 01:48:50 PM »
Not that newlywed couples shouldn't get nice things but after living together 10 years and having children together (there were baby showers and I gifted at everyone of them).  I also gifted at his high school and college graduation. I just feel a little resentful at being expected to give yet ANOTHER gift.  KWIM?

I don't think that your feelings are out of line.

I hereby absolve you from attending any of the showers or getting them any gifts beyond a nice card with a heartfelt message of congratulations.

#### lowspark

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2013, 01:50:34 PM »
Are all the same people invited to all three showers? Or is each shower a different group of people?

In any case, if you don't want to give a gift, don't. If you don't want to go to the shower(s), don't.

The daughter of a friend of mine got several gifts (and favors) from me (for different reasons) within a very short period of time (~3 months or so) with nary a thank you note for any of it. About a year later, she got married. I went to the wedding but just didn't bother with a gift. I felt I'd already given her so much and in my view, it went unappreciated. Gift giving is voluntary.

edited to fix a typo.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2013, 02:11:02 PM by lowspark »

#### Perfect Circle

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2013, 01:51:19 PM »
But you would have probably given a gift for all those occasions even if they had married first. So apart from the three showers if they are inviting the same people to all of them I don't really see the problem.
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#### rose red

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2013, 01:52:14 PM »
Inviting the same guests to more than one shower is a tacky thing for any couple to do. That's the only part of this that would bother me.

Me too.  I have no problem with three showers if they are for different groups.  I also have no problem with gift registries since they are getting married and I'm sure they forked over their share over the years.  Would you feel resentful for buying another gift if they had done it in the "right" order?  Wedding, kids, graduations?

#### bloo

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2013, 01:58:31 PM »
Not that newlywed couples shouldn't get nice things but after living together 10 years and having children together (there were baby showers and I gifted at everyone of them).  I also gifted at his high school and college graduation. I just feel a little resentful at being expected to give yet ANOTHER gift.  KWIM?

I don't think that your feelings are out of line.

I hereby absolve you from attending any of the showers or getting them any gifts beyond a nice card with a heartfelt message of congratulations.

I agree with MindsEye.

No doubt you would've attended one of the showers and given a gift had they gotten married before the house, kids and whatnot. But since they've already established their household it feels 'gimmepiggish' to me as well for them to do everything they chose to forgo by not having the BWW 10+ years ago. I'm trying to imagine myself in their position (had a tiny wedding because we were young and poor - never occurred to me to try and make up for what I missed in the past 20+ years) and I'd personally pass on the registries if I was doing this...just so I'd be making it clear I don't want any gifts.

Some people will be motivated to give them gifts anyway and that's fine, the HC's friends or family can let people know about their tastes.

#### Sharnita

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2013, 02:11:41 PM »
Was there more a shower/showers for kids after the first child? Tjat would probably make me more inclined to believe the wedding showers were a bit gift grabby.

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2013, 02:16:17 PM »
I am getting married after 9 years of dating, 5 of cohabiting.  I'm learning it's damned if you do, damned if you don't - no registry can be perceived as a cash grab and guests get concerned about buying duplicate gifts. Too extensive a registry and you're being greedy because you are just upgrading things you already own. We've tried to strike as  best a balance as we can - we had an engagement party but are not doing a shower or bachelor/bachelorette. Our registry is a mix of affordable and higher end stuff with options ranging from $20-100 mostly, and a few items in the$200 ball park if a group wants to go in on a gift or if someone wants to be extra generous.

#### ClaireC79

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2013, 02:22:48 PM »
If you gifted at each graduation THEN he got married, then had 3 kids (with showers for each) would you still be feeling this way?

#### Redneck Gravy

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2013, 02:29:51 PM »
For the first child there were at least two showers, I attended one.  For the second child I attended a diapers only shower and honestly don't know if there was another one.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm too judgemental about them doing this in a different order than is "expected" because I would have gone to a wedding shower and given a gift prior to the two children and I still would have attended the baby showers with gifts.

It just feels out of line to come in 10 years later and want all the hoopla that goes with a BWW, I don't begrudge them the big wedding and nice reception.  It's having three showers (no, I was not invited to all three) with a long registry list that I resent.  And it's not that they shouldn't get nice things because they lived together prior, it's just, I don't know how to put it exactly - greedy sort of.

Almost like, here we are having our wedding and even though we have been living together 10 years and have an established household with children - we feel entitled to have three showers and replace all of our stuff with new stuff - that YOU buy us.  Okay, well here it is, I guess this is what I'm thinking...

I almost feel like someone might want to renew their vows every 10 years and then expect all of their stuff to be replaced by their family & friends ... does that make sense?  Imagine having three showers every 10 years to get all your stuff replaced with NEW STUFF!

#### Redneck Gravy

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #11 on: July 22, 2013, 02:35:22 PM »
I am getting married after 9 years of dating, 5 of cohabiting.  I'm learning it's damned if you do, damned if you don't - no registry can be perceived as a cash grab and guests get concerned about buying duplicate gifts. Too extensive a registry and you're being greedy because you are just upgrading things you already own. We've tried to strike as  best a balance as we can - we had an engagement party but are not doing a shower or bachelor/bachelorette. Our registry is a mix of affordable and higher end stuff with options ranging from $20-100 mostly, and a few items in the$200 ball park if a group wants to go in on a gift or if someone wants to be extra generous.

I'm seeing your case differently... you are not having THREE showers.  And I agree with you damned if you do/damned if you don't.

That's why I am trying to be more open minded about this wedding.  It's the ten years, two kids later and then THREE shower opportunities (although I was only invited to two) that I seem to be begrudging.

#### Two Ravens

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2013, 02:37:20 PM »
If the same people are not being invited to all three showers, (and the happy couple isn't throwing them themselves), then I don't see what the problem is...

Would you feel the same way if there was no registry? Why is wanting things any different than wanting money?

#### jedikaiti

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2013, 02:49:46 PM »
After 10 years together, it's entirely possible that the things they had/acquired at the beginning are getting quite worn out &/or broken and need to be replaced. Like dishes.

DH & I just got married after living together for several years. We registered for new dishes because we need them - the ones we've had from before are getting chipped & broken, and we now have a rather odd mis-matched set of old dishes. Same with the blender and microwave - old ones were dead or dying.

The three showers, OTOH, is rather over the top, especially if the same people are being invited to more than one of them.
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#### cass2591

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##### Re: BWW after a decade of living together...
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2013, 02:50:16 PM »
(Mod hat off)

I don't understand the resentment that people have toward couples who register even if they lived together beforehand. The prevailing objection I notice echoes what you object to--that the couple already has an established household, therefore already have what they want/need.

So what if this couple never lived together but both have the usual assortment of towels, sheets, kitchenware, etc. In other words, they have established households only separately. What's the difference?
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