BWW after a decade of living together...

[bansidhe]

Almost like, here we are having our wedding and even though we have been living together 10 years and have an established household with children - we feel entitled to have three showers and replace all of our stuff with new stuff - that YOU buy us.  Okay, well here it is, I guess this is what I'm thinking...

I almost feel like someone might want to renew their vows every 10 years and then expect all of their stuff to be replaced by their family & friends ... does that make sense?  Imagine having three showers every 10 years to get all your stuff replaced with NEW STUFF!

And that's exactly how I would feel about the situation also. They've long since set up their household, so it definitely strikes me as a gift grab.

I got married 15 years ago and just did the Justice of the Peace thing - no BWW or showers or any of that. We'd already been living together for some time and had household stuff. We could sure use some new household stuff right about now, but deciding to have a big, fancy party and expecting other people to buy us new stuff would be really entitled and crass. I don't see that the situation described in the OP is much different than that. I think I'd just send a card.

[amylouky]

This is such an odd issue. I struggled with it some when DH and I got married. Not because we lived together beforehand, because we only lived together for a few months before the wedding, and he didn't bring any "stuff" along because he lived with his mother before moving in with me. More because I'd been on my own since the age of 18, so I thought it was weird to be asking for household items after I'd had my own household for 11 years at that point.
What I did was to register for items that I didn't already have, because I'd had no need for them as a single person. Things like a buffet server (I didn't entertain much when I was single), formal china, a crockpot, etc. I did register for everyday dishes, because what I had at that point was three place settings that were mismatched and chipped and had been picked up at the dollar store. So, maybe I was rude for wanting to upgrade my dishes at others' expense?
Then again.. if the logic is that people who already have household stuff shouldn't be registering for or getting household gifts, then only newlyweds who have moved from their parents' houses to their marital household should be getting gifts. That doesn't seem right, either.

[jedikaiti]

After 10 years together, it's entirely possible that the things they had/acquired at the beginning are getting quite worn out &/or broken and need to be replaced. Like dishes.

DH & I just got married after living together for several years. We registered for new dishes because we need them - the ones we've had from before are getting chipped & broken, and we now have a rather odd mis-matched set of old dishes. Same with the blender and microwave - old ones were dead or dying.

The three showers, OTOH, is rather over the top, especially if the same people are being invited to more than one of them.

I think the idea of a gift should come from those that wish to gift to (general) you. It shouldn't be the thought of the one receiving. That's why I'm not a fan of registries, although I will use them.

Everyone has stuff that needs replacing after awhile. I got a microwave as gift from my parents when I got married. I'm on my third one after 22 years and I've purchased the second as well. I'm not trying to pick on you, jedikaiti, but I guess what I'm thinking is that if I felt the need to get married after many years of living together, I think it would embarrass me to be soliciting any gifts and it wouldn't occur to me to utilize the wedding to replace stuff that's old and worn out. That's my responsibility. I'm not saying that you're getting married to simply do that, of course!

Then again, it would embarrass me to have a registry even if I had the BWW at age 18, when we did get married. That's my personal view.

I'm sorry I said anything.

[cass2591]

(Mod hat off)

I don't understand the resentment that people have toward couples who register even if they lived together beforehand. The prevailing objection I notice echoes what you object to--that the couple already has an established household, therefore already have what they want/need.

So what if this couple never lived together but both have the usual assortment of towels, sheets, kitchenware, etc. In other words, they have established households only separately. What's the difference?

Well for example let's say a couple in their 40's are marrying for the first time, both are successful and well established in their fields.  They have a BWW with three wedding showers asking for new dishes, pots & pans, baking sets, linens, small appliances and some furniture. 

I am gonna feel like that is gimme pig grabby. 

And yet they have not lived together, have not been previously married and still want the hoopla of a big white wedding event.  It's each situation individually. 

I don't have an issue with the fact that they lived together before marrying...it just feels like they have been together 10 years and suddenly feel like they can replace all their belongings on others' dime.  Or they've decided to get married and had the great idea that if they throw a big event they can collect big...again it's this situation in it's entirety.     

So you're saying the only people entitled to a registry or showers are young couples who don't have the finances to establish a household?

Say what you will about this couples' motives. If you have such little regard for them then don't give them anything, or if you feel you must, a token gift.

[rose red]

Well for example let's say a couple in their 40's are marrying for the first time, both are successful and well established in their fields.  They have a BWW with three wedding showers asking for new dishes, pots & pans, baking sets, linens, small appliances and some furniture. 

I am gonna feel like that is gimme pig grabby. 

After years of happily buying gifts for weddings and babies, I don't deserve all the hoopla just because I'm in my 40's?  I resent that double standard.  I can argue the other way: why can't the young couple save up and establish their household before getting married?  If they are old enough to marry, they are old enough to buy their own toaster.

[Twik]

Nowadays, the number of people getting married who are moving straight out of their parents' homes (or university residence) is very small.

I agree that there's something strange about a BWW in what appears to be the middle of a long-term relationship; it's like having a graduation party 1/2 way through your degree. It's odd to celebrate at a point that feels so removed from the actual thing being celebrated, be it the start of a relationship or the end of a program of study. However, "odd" is not "rude".

Three showers shouldn't be considered rude if different people are at each one. It appears that this rule is not being followed. Note, however, that many couples seem to feel that it is rude not to ask everyone possible to their showers, and are not trying to grab gifts. They are thinking of them as parties first, not gift-giving occasions, and worry that people will be offended if not invited.

If I were fond of this couple, I would give them something I felt expressed my sentiments, and was appropriate for their situation. If I wasn't terribly fond of them to begin with, I would probably just send a card. Not much different than if they were doing things in the traditional order.

[SlitherHiss]

Well for example let's say a couple in their 40's are marrying for the first time, both are successful and well established in their fields.  They have a BWW with three wedding showers asking for new dishes, pots & pans, baking sets, linens, small appliances and some furniture. 

I am gonna feel like that is gimme pig grabby. 

After years of happily buying gifts for weddings and babies, I don't deserve all the hoopla just because I'm in my 40's?  I resent that double standard.  I can argue the other way: why can't the young couple save up and establish their household before getting married?  If they are old enough to marry, they are old enough to buy their own toaster.

This is a bit how I feel, too.

OP, I'm really sorry this seems to bother you so much, but there's nothing wrong with having a BWW later in life, even if the couple has already been living together. Your post seems resentful, and I'm afraid I can't figure out why.

I'm also curious as to why you feel this couple feels "entitled" to any of this...simply filling out a registry doesn't obligate anyone to buy you squat! Are they planning their own showers, or are friends or relatives planning them. It's very likely that whoever is planning the showers simply didn't cross check for duplicate guests. Why be so quick to declare the couple gimme pigs?

Please remember that an invitation to a shower (or three) doesn't mean you're "required" to attend, nor to buy a gift of any sort.

[TootsNYC]

Well for example let's say a couple in their 40's are marrying for the first time, both are successful and well established in their fields.  They have a BWW with three wedding showers asking for new dishes, pots & pans, baking sets, linens, small appliances and some furniture. 

I am gonna feel like that is gimme pig grabby. 

After years of happily buying gifts for weddings and babies, I don't deserve all the hoopla just because I'm in my 40's?  I resent that double standard.  I can argue the other way: why can't the young couple save up and establish their household before getting married?  If they are old enough to marry, they are old enough to buy their own toaster.

To me it's not the age of the people.

It's the fact that this particular couple has spent 10 years *rejecting* the institution of marriage and all the traditional excitement for a wedding that our culture has established.

Every day for 10 years, through the births of children even, they have rejected the institution. Now they want it--which is great, I believe in it--but I think they've forfeited the


And registries are only about guests. They are only a way to provide ideas for gift givers. They aren't really a way to ask for stuff. People are not required to use registries to buy gifts; they are free to not give a gift.
   So I actually don't have a problem with registries.

I just have a problem with the extra hooplah this late in the game. And the "lots of showers and a big registry" are really only the tangible part of it.

[SlitherHiss]

Wait, so you're arguing that if a couple lives together or mates, their later wedding is somehow less special?

[nuit93]

Well for example let's say a couple in their 40's are marrying for the first time, both are successful and well established in their fields.  They have a BWW with three wedding showers asking for new dishes, pots & pans, baking sets, linens, small appliances and some furniture. 

I am gonna feel like that is gimme pig grabby. 

After years of happily buying gifts for weddings and babies, I don't deserve all the hoopla just because I'm in my 40's?  I resent that double standard.  I can argue the other way: why can't the young couple save up and establish their household before getting married?  If they are old enough to marry, they are old enough to buy their own toaster.

Yeah, that double standard bugs me too.

[Kaymar]

Well for example let's say a couple in their 40's are marrying for the first time, both are successful and well established in their fields.  They have a BWW with three wedding showers asking for new dishes, pots & pans, baking sets, linens, small appliances and some furniture. 

I am gonna feel like that is gimme pig grabby. 

After years of happily buying gifts for weddings and babies, I don't deserve all the hoopla just because I'm in my 40's?  I resent that double standard.  I can argue the other way: why can't the young couple save up and establish their household before getting married?  If they are old enough to marry, they are old enough to buy their own toaster.

Yes, I don't understand this at all. As someone who is over 40 and very happily just got engaged a week ago, I would be sad to think that my friends whose marriages and weddings I celebrated when we were in our 30s might think that because we are all a bit older now, my (first) wedding is less special and deserves a different level of attention and different etiquette precepts, just because I met my partner later in life than they did. Nothing about that makes sense to me.

[TootsNYC]

Wait, so you're arguing that if a couple lives together or mates, their later wedding is somehow less special?

I'm not really *arguing* that. I don't think that my own *personal* reaction needs to be shared by anyone else.

But yes, it's not as exciting to me. I'm pleased for them, but I'm not going to join in the same giddy foofah for couples who have lived together for a long time, especially if they've produced more than one kid, that accompanies the marriages of people who are starting *out* married.

I'll happily attend showers, etc., for people who are marrying later in life--it's not about age, for me. It's about what messages they've been sending about how important they think the institution of marriage is.
    And the fact that they are now valuing it doesn't wipe out the years of *not* valuing it. Add in a lot of hooplah and a big registry and lots of showers, and the accompany aura gets a greedier tinge, so I resist more.


Feel free to have a different opinion. This is my own.

[thedudeabides]

Wait, so you're arguing that if a couple lives together or mates, their later wedding is somehow less special?

I'm not really *arguing* that. I don't think that my own *personal* reaction needs to be shared by anyone else.

But yes, it's not as exciting to me. I'm pleased for them, but I'm not going to join in the same giddy foofah that accompanies the marriages of people who are starting *out* married.

You must not get excited about very many weddings these days.

[TootsNYC]

Wait, so you're arguing that if a couple lives together or mates, their later wedding is somehow less special?

I'm not really *arguing* that. I don't think that my own *personal* reaction needs to be shared by anyone else.

But yes, it's not as exciting to me. I'm pleased for them, but I'm not going to join in the same giddy foofah that accompanies the marriages of people who are starting *out* married.

You must not get excited about very many weddings these days.

To be honest, I don't get THAT excited about very many other people's weddings anyway--I'm happy for people who get married, but the only wedding I've ever been really excited about were my own and my sister's.

But to be honest, most of the weddings I've been to were for people whose life partnerships were pretty new.
    As I said, I'm not willing to put some "X number of years" criterion on it, but most of the weddings I've been invited to were people who only cohabited for a relatively short period of time and who were pretty much engaged about the time they moved in together.
   I really don't have a lot of relatives or friends who lived together very long or who produced a child before marrying.

[lady_disdain]

Wait, so you're arguing that if a couple lives together or mates, their later wedding is somehow less special?

I'm not really *arguing* that. I don't think that my own *personal* reaction needs to be shared by anyone else.

But yes, it's not as exciting to me. I'm pleased for them, but I'm not going to join in the same giddy foofah for couples who have lived together for a long time, especially if they've produced more than one kid, that accompanies the marriages of people who are starting *out* married.

I'll happily attend showers, etc., for people who are marrying later in life--it's not about age, for me. It's about what messages they've been sending about how important they think the institution of marriage is.
    And the fact that they are now valuing it doesn't wipe out the years of *not* valuing it. Add in a lot of hooplah and a big registry and lots of showers, and the accompany aura gets a greedier tinge, so I resist more.


Feel free to have a different opinion. This is my own.

The fact that you do not feel excited for the wedding doesn't mean that the wedding is rude, having a registry is rude, etc.