Author Topic: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house  (Read 26123 times)

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VorFemme

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2013, 03:01:10 PM »
VorGuy and I *like* the paintings that MIL has done.  As a bonus, she will show us several and let us pick one...it has been known to happen that we can't pick JUST one (to paraphrase a potato chip commercial in the States) and drive home with two in the vehicle!

She will also have some of them framed or have a frame that goes with your pick...but she doesn't hang them in the house while we're gone!  ((shudder))

The LW mentioned that her toiletries had been gone through and that not all of them were still there....I have to wonder if the MIL sorted through her makeup, perfume, and similar items - then discarded any that were "too old", "taking up too much space", or that MIL didn't approve of....
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

LadyClaire

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #31 on: July 23, 2013, 03:07:55 PM »
My grandmother used to let herself into my aunt's house to clean and rearrange the furniture and such. So my aunt changed the locks. Didn't stop her, though. Nene literally broke into the house through the kitchen window. Pried off the screen and jimmied the window open and climbed in that way.

When my aunt was in the process of getting divorced, Nene let herself into the house and proceeded to throw away all of my aunt's soon-to-be-ex husband's belongings while my aunt was at work. It was trash day. By the time Aunt got home, all of her ex's stuff had been hauled away.

snappylt

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #32 on: July 23, 2013, 03:25:50 PM »
Get the locks changed, get any missing items returned, cut off mom, and throw out/goodwill the new stuff.


A similar thing happened to a family friend but
1. The DH hadn't given his Mom the key she fooled the housesitter into letting her in as he left for work the last day of the couples vacation. (Said she was leaving groceries for them - housesitter as a 17 yo friend of the family)


2. Every picture of a "stranger" was removed from the house. Not just taken down, put away but she took them to her house to throw away. These were almost 100% pictures of the wife's family and friends including deceased family members.


3. Art that she had given them that had not been put up because of racist overtones was installed on their walls.


3. They got home, saw the damage,  and the husband immediately called his mom and told her she had a hour to return the missing items are they were calling the cops and reporting her burglarizing their home. (Thankfully it garbage day was a couple days after this happened so the items could be returned)


4. The locks were changed. She was cut off.


I can see having a key to pick up the mail, take in the paper. People in my family don't have paper/mail stopped because 3 burglaries of family homes were traced to having the services stopped. Someone was either robbing home's themselves or selling the information depending on the incident.

(bolding mine above)

kherbert05,

Thank you for sharing that story.  I found it fascinating, for some reason.  When I hear stories like that, I find myself wondering what in the world was the perpetrator thinking?

I can sort of follow the thinking behind, say, unpacking and putting away the plates and glasses in a kitchen, thinking that one was "helping" the new couple get their kitchen set up.  (It would be wrong to do it without permission, but I can understand someone thinking, incorrectly, that that would be harmless and helpful.)

But I literally cannot even begin to understand the thinking behind removing pictures from the walls - and taking them away to be thrown in the garbage - as happened in your story above.  (Yes, I believe you that it happened, it is just that I cannot understand how anyone, even a pushy person, could begin to justify that behavior in her own mind.)  Good for the husband in the story for threatening to call the police, because it surely sounds like what the MIL did was stealing.

Your story happened to a friend of your family.  If you have time, could you please tell us what happened to that family after that?  Did you ever hear how the MIL tried to justify her behavior?  (Did she attempt to explain it away?)  Was she cut off for the rest of her life?  If she was allowed back in to the lives of her son and DIL, did she change her behavior?

Thank you!

kherbert05

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #33 on: July 23, 2013, 03:28:04 PM »
(Said she was leaving groceries for them - housesitter as a 17 yo friend of the family)

How did the house sitter feel when she found out about this incident?

I think what shocked me most about this letter was reading the comments section from spinless people who thought Prudence was wrong and that the LW should be thankful.  :P


He felt awful - but to him the evil mother in law who hates her Daughter-in-law and does things like this was a Hollywood invention. His grandparents and great-grandparents are great people and get along wonderfully with their kids-in-law. He thought she was checking up on him - making sure the 17 yo kid didn't leave a mess. Once she stepped in the door he was at a loss how to get her to leave. Even if he had called the cops - who was going to be believed. The 50 yo woman with the same last name as the homeowner or a 17 yo who has no legal connection to either resident. 
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #34 on: July 23, 2013, 03:35:48 PM »
If I moved in with my boyfriend and his mother did this to me?  He would either support me 100% in removing his mother's access to his our home or I'd be moving right back out.  And I'd be finding a new boyfriend.

If I came home from my honeymoon and my 'lovely' new MIL had done this?  Hubby would either support me 100% in removing his mother's access to OUR home or I'd be asking for an annullment (over divorce for monetary and legal reasons).  If he chose to support me and she pitched a fit?  I would cut off contact with her.  He could see her on his own but I'm not putting up with that carp.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

Venus193

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #35 on: July 23, 2013, 04:04:26 PM »
There is a lesson to be learned in all this:  If you discover that the guy you're dating is a mama's boy, fly -- don't run -- as far away and as fast as you can and go back on the hunt.

cattlekid

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #36 on: July 23, 2013, 04:28:28 PM »
Stories like this are the main reason why my ILs did not receive a key to our home when they asked for one.  They ostensibly asked for one in  case of emergency and I knew that their definition of "emergency" and mine did not mesh. 

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #37 on: July 23, 2013, 04:41:11 PM »
*making mental note to give my MIL a huge hug when I see her next!*   My IL's have given us things to decorate our home with in the past, such as a large, framed painting of a tall sailing ship.  They bought it for themselves as they have gone with a bit of nautical decor themselves, but once they got it home they realized there was really no where to put it in their house and asked if we wanted it.   I absolutely did and it hangs over our mantle.  :)

Now we did take in my GMIL's furniture when she had to move out of her home, and I don't really care for it as it's not really my style.  But no one really forced it on us, we agreed to take it in. 

And I'm with Venus193!
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

SPuck

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #38 on: July 23, 2013, 04:45:24 PM »
When my aunt was in the process of getting divorced, Nene let herself into the house and proceeded to throw away all of my aunt's soon-to-be-ex husband's belongings while my aunt was at work. It was trash day. By the time Aunt got home, all of her ex's stuff had been hauled away.

Did he still go back to his mother after that?

lowspark

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #39 on: July 23, 2013, 04:46:55 PM »
Stories like this are the main reason why my ILs did not receive a key to our home when they asked for one.  They ostensibly asked for one in  case of emergency and I knew that their definition of "emergency" and mine did not mesh.

Eek. Just the idea of her asking for a key rubs me the wrong way. Both my sons and daughter-in-law have a key to my house because they're my kids so I want them to always consider my house as their house too. But it doesn't work in the reverse. If they wanted to give me a key for emergency purposes, fine. But I would never ask.

wolfie

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #40 on: July 23, 2013, 04:47:35 PM »
When my aunt was in the process of getting divorced, Nene let herself into the house and proceeded to throw away all of my aunt's soon-to-be-ex husband's belongings while my aunt was at work. It was trash day. By the time Aunt got home, all of her ex's stuff had been hauled away.

Did he still go back to his mother after that?

Why wouldn't he? It was his mother-in-law that tossed his stuff.

Coruscation

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #41 on: July 23, 2013, 06:00:19 PM »
I think that I would be taking those items back that I did not want to my boyfriend's mom and politely thanking her, but it was not her place to decorate your home.  And then I would politely ask her, "Susan, if you went away on vacation, and I had your house key, how would feel if when you returned home, that your home was completely changed, new things added, other things taken away and I had gone thru all of your drawers, closets, etc?".  And when she gets that look on her face, "yeah.  that is exactly how I felt".  Please do not ever do that again.

And I don't see why anyone needed a key unless there were pets to take care of.

I'd be dropping my luggage on the floor and not sitting down until everything she's added to the house was in the garbage bin which I would put in the front yard. I'd sit down and ring to give her half an hour to have my things back. While she was coming, I'd be rearranging my stuff back the way I wanted.

I'd also toss all the stuff she'd given me that I didn't really like but kept for politeness reasons.

If BF didn't like it, she could take him home with her.

*inviteseller

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #42 on: July 23, 2013, 06:21:46 PM »
I POD Venus..from experience.  I married a mama's boy and she was like this.  She wanted a key to our house when we moved back from out of state.  I told hubby if he as much as thought about it he would feel my wrath.  She had the bad habit of moving pictures around when she would come to visit, either laying my families down or pushing them to the back of the mantle.  I would just laugh.

cattlekid

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #43 on: July 23, 2013, 06:55:21 PM »
My mom foisted a key to their house off on me a few years ago when I was there for a visit.  I didn't think it made sense because I lived several hundred miles away and my sister was a quick hour drive away.  I took it anyhow and then locked it in my firesafe because I didn't feel the need to carry it with my regular keys. 

Stories like this are the main reason why my ILs did not receive a key to our home when they asked for one.  They ostensibly asked for one in  case of emergency and I knew that their definition of "emergency" and mine did not mesh.

Eek. Just the idea of her asking for a key rubs me the wrong way. Both my sons and daughter-in-law have a key to my house because they're my kids so I want them to always consider my house as their house too. But it doesn't work in the reverse. If they wanted to give me a key for emergency purposes, fine. But I would never ask.

artk2002

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #44 on: July 23, 2013, 07:26:29 PM »
But I literally cannot even begin to understand the thinking behind removing pictures from the walls - and taking them away to be thrown in the garbage - as happened in your story above.  (Yes, I believe you that it happened, it is just that I cannot understand how anyone, even a pushy person, could begin to justify that behavior in her own mind.)  Good for the husband in the story for threatening to call the police, because it surely sounds like what the MIL did was stealing.

Doesn't surprise me a bit. Humans are extremely tribal and it wasn't that long ago that a woman left her parent's tribe and joined her husband's tribe. That's all the MIL was doing in this case, making it clear that the DIL belonged to her tribe now. We like to think that we've advanced beyond that and we're "civilized" now, but it's just a thin veneer.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain