Author Topic: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house  (Read 24280 times)

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cattlekid

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #105 on: July 28, 2013, 11:05:05 AM »
My ILs crossed the boundary for the last time yesterday.  DH allowed them to come over and cut some branches of a tree that was brushing our roof, even though it was something that we could have easily hired someone to do at a more convenient time. 

Well, since I was not home to supervise, someone took it upon themselves to weed my front flower bed and because they don't know a weed from a plant, they tore out the six very expensive periwinkle perennials that I started this past spring. 

I am FURIOUS.  I can't replant them until next spring and now I have a bare flower bed and wasted money and time. 

I've told DH that this is the absolute LAST time that they are allowed at our home to do anything without MY supervision.  DH and his family don't know squat about landscaping as they don't have a single ornamental tree. shrub or plant in their yard and they shouldn't be let near anyone else's yard who cares about landscaping other than grass.

 >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(

jaxsue

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #106 on: July 28, 2013, 11:58:33 AM »
My ILs crossed the boundary for the last time yesterday.  DH allowed them to come over and cut some branches of a tree that was brushing our roof, even though it was something that we could have easily hired someone to do at a more convenient time. 

Well, since I was not home to supervise, someone took it upon themselves to weed my front flower bed and because they don't know a weed from a plant, they tore out the six very expensive periwinkle perennials that I started this past spring. 

I am FURIOUS.  I can't replant them until next spring and now I have a bare flower bed and wasted money and time. 

I've told DH that this is the absolute LAST time that they are allowed at our home to do anything without MY supervision.  DH and his family don't know squat about landscaping as they don't have a single ornamental tree. shrub or plant in their yard and they shouldn't be let near anyone else's yard who cares about landscaping other than grass.

 >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(

I am livid on your behalf! What did DH say about this?

And, honestly, I would be upset if anyone not qualified and insured started pruning my tree branches. People are injured that way, and to avoid legal discussion let's just say that it's a risk I wouldn't take.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #107 on: July 28, 2013, 12:03:43 PM »
I'm livid on your behalf, as well.

But, at least where I am, periwinkle is pretty hardy.  I wish I lived near you because I could give you slips off mine - I have both purple and white.  If you can find it, either from a friend or by buying more, you should be able to put it in.  If it isn't going in a shady spot, I'd wait to put it in until the temperatures cool off a bit but if you can get it in by the middle of September, it should get established enough to survive the winter.
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gramma dishes

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #108 on: July 28, 2013, 12:17:38 PM »
Cattlekid ~~  Was DH there when they were doing all this pruning and "weeding"?  Or did they just come by when both of you were gone?

I'd be FURIOUS!!  Does DH also agree that what they did was out of line or does he just think, "Oh well.  You can always replant them.  No harm done."

I also agree with Jaxsue.  I'd leave any future pruning to someone who does it professionally -- and who is bonded and insured!

cattlekid

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #109 on: July 28, 2013, 02:16:46 PM »
DH's exact quote was "they are just plants".   >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(

I told him as nicely as I could that it is NOT just about the plants, it's about boundaries with his family.  I agreed (albeit reluctantly) that they could prune tree branches.  I did NOT give them permission to start weeding flowerbeds, again, because they don't know a weed from a plant.

I fought for MONTHS to not have my ILs cut down tree branches for the exact reasons you mentioned.  But it was an argument that I momentarily lost and now I have an iron-clad promise from DH that they will never work in our yard again.

I am livid on your behalf! What did DH say about this?

And, honestly, I would be upset if anyone not qualified and insured started pruning my tree branches. People are injured that way, and to avoid legal discussion let's just say that it's a risk I wouldn't take.

cattlekid

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #110 on: July 28, 2013, 02:18:01 PM »
DH was around but he also does not know a plant from a weed.  So he was no help and didn't even know that my SIL and niece were near the flowerbed until this morning when I got up, looked out the window and blew a gasket.

Cattlekid ~~  Was DH there when they were doing all this pruning and "weeding"?  Or did they just come by when both of you were gone?

I'd be FURIOUS!!  Does DH also agree that what they did was out of line or does he just think, "Oh well.  You can always replant them.  No harm done."

I also agree with Jaxsue.  I'd leave any future pruning to someone who does it professionally -- and who is bonded and insured!

cattlekid

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #111 on: July 28, 2013, 02:23:22 PM »
I'm going to give up this year.  No one I know has periwinkle, you can't buy it in the garden centers any more and it's too darn hot to put it in the ground without a lot of water, which is super-expensive in our village. 

I'm also aggravated not just because I have to replace the plants, but because they were planted by my mom and aunt, who did a lot of work around the house after I got my kidney transplant in April.  They both tried to give me a kidney and were denied so this was their way of pitching in.  Now, it's gone and while I can replace the physical plants, I can't get back the ones that THEY put in the ground for me on the occasion of my transplant.

Plus, it's just a huge boundary trampling.  I told DH that this is OUR house, not theirs and what would they say if I went to their houses and just started throwing out stuff that I thought they no longer needed?  I think that's where things finally started to sink in with him, but then he went off the deep end and called his parents and told them that they were no longer welcome to do anything around our home.  So now they will start going around and telling other relatives that they have been banned from our house and it's all my fault, which they did 10 years ago when a similar issue happened.  We had just finally gotten to a decent place and now this happened.  Ugh - I guess I'll have to take on the role of family shrew again for a while until this all dies down.   ::)

I'm livid on your behalf, as well.

But, at least where I am, periwinkle is pretty hardy.  I wish I lived near you because I could give you slips off mine - I have both purple and white.  If you can find it, either from a friend or by buying more, you should be able to put it in.  If it isn't going in a shady spot, I'd wait to put it in until the temperatures cool off a bit but if you can get it in by the middle of September, it should get established enough to survive the winter.

gramma dishes

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #112 on: July 28, 2013, 04:13:53 PM »
... 

I'm also aggravated not just because I have to replace the plants, but because they were planted by my mom and aunt, who did a lot of work around the house after I got my kidney transplant in April.  They both tried to give me a kidney and were denied so this was their way of pitching in. Now, it's gone and while I can replace the physical plants, I can't get back the ones that THEY put in the ground for me on the occasion of my transplant.

Oh, wow!

I already thought that what they did was inexcusable, but this really makes it a thousand million times worse!!  They should be glad you are not me!  I don't think they'd have made it out of there alive if I were in your shoes.

Edited to add:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know that killing relatives goes against etiquette.  It's bad form.  But still ...
« Last Edit: July 28, 2013, 04:15:38 PM by gramma dishes »

VorFemme

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #113 on: July 28, 2013, 05:40:24 PM »
... 

I'm also aggravated not just because I have to replace the plants, but because they were planted by my mom and aunt, who did a lot of work around the house after I got my kidney transplant in April.  They both tried to give me a kidney and were denied so this was their way of pitching in. Now, it's gone and while I can replace the physical plants, I can't get back the ones that THEY put in the ground for me on the occasion of my transplant.

Oh, wow!

I already thought that what they did was inexcusable, but this really makes it a thousand million times worse!!  They should be glad you are not me!  I don't think they'd have made it out of there alive if I were in your shoes.

Edited to add:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know that killing relatives goes against etiquette.  It's bad form.  But still ...

"But, Your Honor, they were asking for it!"
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

acicularis

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #114 on: July 28, 2013, 06:55:23 PM »
My ILs crossed the boundary for the last time yesterday.  DH allowed them to come over and cut some branches of a tree that was brushing our roof, even though it was something that we could have easily hired someone to do at a more convenient time. 

Well, since I was not home to supervise, someone took it upon themselves to weed my front flower bed and because they don't know a weed from a plant, they tore out the six very expensive periwinkle perennials that I started this past spring. 

I am FURIOUS.  I can't replant them until next spring and now I have a bare flower bed and wasted money and time. 

I've told DH that this is the absolute LAST time that they are allowed at our home to do anything without MY supervision.  DH and his family don't know squat about landscaping as they don't have a single ornamental tree. shrub or plant in their yard and they shouldn't be let near anyone else's yard who cares about landscaping other than grass.

 >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(

Ugh, I am so sorry.

Reminds me of the time my MIL hacked away at my climbing rose because "It was in the way." Now I admit that some of the branches were not very well restrained, and were spilling out into the yard. But it wasn't in *my* way! I rather liked the way it looked.

And she didn't even prune it correctly or nicely, she just hacked away at it and reduced its height by half. And then left the hacked branches there on the ground.

I think she realized she'd overstepped when my husband saw what she'd done and looked shocked and asked "Does acicularis know you did that?" She got very defensive and said again that it was "in the way" and she "was trying to help." Oh, and got in a little dig about all the weeds that were growing up around it. I wish I'd asked "If you were really trying to help, why didn't you pull the weeds for me and dispose of them?"


acicularis

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #115 on: July 28, 2013, 06:56:11 PM »
... 

I'm also aggravated not just because I have to replace the plants, but because they were planted by my mom and aunt, who did a lot of work around the house after I got my kidney transplant in April.  They both tried to give me a kidney and were denied so this was their way of pitching in. Now, it's gone and while I can replace the physical plants, I can't get back the ones that THEY put in the ground for me on the occasion of my transplant.

Oh, wow!

I already thought that what they did was inexcusable, but this really makes it a thousand million times worse!!  They should be glad you are not me!  I don't think they'd have made it out of there alive if I were in your shoes.

Edited to add:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know that killing relatives goes against etiquette.  It's bad form.  But still ...

Oh my. Oh yes, that makes it so much worse.

nolechica

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #116 on: July 28, 2013, 07:34:42 PM »
... 

I'm also aggravated not just because I have to replace the plants, but because they were planted by my mom and aunt, who did a lot of work around the house after I got my kidney transplant in April.  They both tried to give me a kidney and were denied so this was their way of pitching in. Now, it's gone and while I can replace the physical plants, I can't get back the ones that THEY put in the ground for me on the occasion of my transplant.

Oh, wow!

I already thought that what they did was inexcusable, but this really makes it a thousand million times worse!!  They should be glad you are not me!  I don't think they'd have made it out of there alive if I were in your shoes.

Edited to add:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know that killing relatives goes against etiquette.  It's bad form.  But still ...

"But, Your Honor, they were asking for it!"

Now I have Cell block Tango in my head....thanks. "He had it coming, he had it coming/He only had himself to blame/If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it/I betcha you would have done the same"



kckgirl

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #117 on: July 28, 2013, 07:48:42 PM »
MIL and FIL purchased a new home and GIL was visiting to help out shortly afterwards. GIL said the basement walls needed to be painted, but FIL didn't want to. So what did she do? She rolled paint once or twice on each wall and stopped, knowing FIL would would be compelled to finish the job.

That wouldn't have worked at my house. My unfinished basement doesn't get beautification projects. If somebody tried that on me, when they were finally allowed to visit again, years later, they'd find the paint swipes they put there and the walls and floor still unpainted.
Maryland

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #118 on: July 28, 2013, 08:01:28 PM »
Somewhere in the old archives is a story where a woman's new MIL did something similar while they were on their honeymoon. She rearranged the kitchen & bathroom and opened all their wedding presents. Wife was upset, husband thought she was overreacting. She knew he had a large number of women working in his office and suggested he relate the story to them and ask their opinions. Being told by a large number of women that Mommy Dearest was way out of line forced him to face reality and forced him to lay down and enforce some boundaries.

Asharah, I remember that story too. I also recall that the MIL went through the LW's birth control as well!

My advice to the LW in this situation would be the same - tell her boyfriend to ask all his female friends and co-workers their thoughts on his mum's actions.

And if he still refused to think his mum was in the wrong? I'd be breaking it off.

My uncle did the bolded to his DIL.  "You don't need this!" They were living with Aunt/Uncle to get on their feet right after getting married.  Uncle thought they should be giving him grandbabies (even though they could barely afford to support themselves).  Within 2 months they'd moved 4 hours away.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Dear Prudence: My MIL redecorated my house
« Reply #119 on: July 28, 2013, 11:30:52 PM »
Somewhere in the old archives is a story where a woman's new MIL did something similar while they were on their honeymoon. She rearranged the kitchen & bathroom and opened all their wedding presents. Wife was upset, husband thought she was overreacting. She knew he had a large number of women working in his office and suggested he relate the story to them and ask their opinions. Being told by a large number of women that Mommy Dearest was way out of line forced him to face reality and forced him to lay down and enforce some boundaries.

Asharah, I remember that story too. I also recall that the MIL went through the LW's birth control as well!

My advice to the LW in this situation would be the same - tell her boyfriend to ask all his female friends and co-workers their thoughts on his mum's actions.

And if he still refused to think his mum was in the wrong? I'd be breaking it off.

My uncle did the bolded to his DIL.  "You don't need this!" They were living with Aunt/Uncle to get on their feet right after getting married.  Uncle thought they should be giving him grandbabies (even though they could barely afford to support themselves).  Within 2 months they'd moved 4 hours away.

Holy moly, that's terrible! I wonder if Uncle was willing to pitch in with the nappy changing, washing, and babysitting, should the grandchild have eventuated? My guess is no.


My ILs crossed the boundary for the last time yesterday.  DH allowed them to come over and cut some branches of a tree that was brushing our roof, even though it was something that we could have easily hired someone to do at a more convenient time. 

Well, since I was not home to supervise, someone took it upon themselves to weed my front flower bed and because they don't know a weed from a plant, they tore out the six very expensive periwinkle perennials that I started this past spring. 

I am FURIOUS.  I can't replant them until next spring and now I have a bare flower bed and wasted money and time. 

I've told DH that this is the absolute LAST time that they are allowed at our home to do anything without MY supervision.  DH and his family don't know squat about landscaping as they don't have a single ornamental tree. shrub or plant in their yard and they shouldn't be let near anyone else's yard who cares about landscaping other than grass.

 >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(


I would send them an invoice for the cost of the periwinkles.