My MIL is driving me crazy! Preparing for next week... UPDATE #57

[TootsNYC]

In other words, you tell her to either accept you (and your house) as you are or stay away. I know it sounds harsh and you can say it politely, but there's no reason you have to make excuses for not doing things "her way".

I like this wording, even, "MIL, I need you to either accept me and my house exactly as they are, or stay away."

And if she says something, you say, "Perhaps you need to stop coming into my house if it bothers you so much that you can't keep your opinions to yourself. I'll get your coat, and we'll see you at your house on Saturday."

Don't make it be nasty--make it be matter-of-fact. Your house bothers her, so she absolutely shouldn't come there. Just as, it's really slippery and icy outside, so she shouldn't go outside. It's for her own comfort.

[SPuck]

She really is kind and I do love her a lot - you'll all have to take my word on that part    It's just . . . good LORD she needs to learn some boundaries!

Your mother-in-law is not kind or sweet, she is a bull dozer and keep trying to roll over you no matter what. The only way to get her to learn boundaries is to enforce them. It is time to spine up and not deal with her games. Since you have already seemed to master the No it is time to erect walls in other areas. If she starts complaining to you over the phone hang up or hand the phone to her son. If she is is your territory complaining, tell her "Well mother-in-law since you don't like my home/children/life style, I guess you can leave." Then grab her items and lead her to the door. If you are out of your territory but she is still complaining grab yourself and children and leave. She will either get the hint or you are justified in seeing her less. Your aren't beholden to her in anyway, you don't have to put up with her.

[sparksals]

Since this is a continuing saga of your MiL refusing boundaries and your dh continues to refuse to stand up for you to his.mother, I see this as moving from etiquette to a marriage issue.  Your DH needs to stand up to his mother and it appears he continues to dismiss your feelings on her deep boundary crossing. 

[HappilyInsane]

"Were you coming to enjoy some time with your grandchildren or to give my house the white glove inspection?"

"I'm sorry my closets were such a mess. Next time I come to your house, I will be sure to check out all your closets and drawers so I can get some ideas on making mine tidier."

I feel for you OP. My MIL can be the same way, but with her she truly thinks she is helping when she "cleans" my house. By "clean" I mean put things away where they don't go and throw out things we needed without asking.

My MIL once re-mopped my kitchen floor the day after I had done it myself. I was insulted that my cleaning wasn't good enough. A few weeks later she finally admitted she HAD to re-mop it because she let her precious granddaughter color all over the linoleum with crayons while she was busy "cleaning". 

[Slartibartfast]

We have had the "take it up with my DH" conversation.  Almost every time now, actually - to the point where she'll start out her PA comments with "I know you're going to tell me it's [DH's] problem, but . . ."  And I really couldn't care less what her opinion of my housekeeping is - yeah, she's better at keeping her house clean, but I'm a LOT better with money and with child-rearing than she and FIL are and I happen to think those things are more important    (Seriously, if DH had any other personality type, he'd be a total spoiled brat . . . it's only bearable because he understands how screwed up my FIL's expectations for him were, and he's pretty much deaf to the kind of PA stuff MIL tries to pull.  For all I get annoyed with him sometimes, at least he's got reasoned opinions for the things he disagrees with me about instead of just parroting his mother.)  Her comments are mostly just difficult because I don't want to hear them and because she's usually right - the house IS a mess, we DO need to keep the kitchen cleaner, etc.  But they're arguments I'm having with DH already and I can't engage her without getting into "I totally agree with you but DH doesn't and here's a rundown of our marital troubles."  Which she most decidedly does not deserve to hear.

On top of all this (which I didn't want to put in the OP for fear of it taking more than a page to read!), Babybartfast's birthday is coming up on Tuesday.  We're planning family stuff Tuesday evening and a party for friends on Saturday afternoon.  I would rather just have our nuclear family on Tuesday, but the only way I can keep the entire extended family from showing up at her birthday party Saturday is to have them over on Tuesday (right after I get back) . . . which means if the house gets messy over the weekend, there's absolutely no way I can re-clean the house before the cleaning ladies come the next morning.  Search my previous posts for last year's Great Cake Debacle for some insight as to why birthdays make me twitchy around MIL 

[Slartibartfast]

Oh, the thing I was coming back to say 

Getting this all out "on paper" helped me figure out what to say to DH.  I didn't want to call him at work, but I did send him an email outlining a variety of things (including a request that he and MIL work out some arrangement other than "MIL and Grandma ransack our house" while I'm gone).  He's not normally all that talkative a guy, and this isn't a conversation I want to have in front of Babybartfast, so maybe doing it over email will help.

[Curious Cat]

Since this is a continuing saga of your MiL refusing boundaries and your dh continues to refuse to stand up for you to his.mother, I see this as moving from etiquette to a marriage issue.  Your DH needs to stand up to his mother and it appears he continues to dismiss your feelings on her deep boundary crossing.

I agree with this post and the one prior to it. Your mil isn't nice or sweet she's manipulating you and your dh and the longer it continues theore annoyed you will become.

[Zizi-K]

My advice has specifically to do with her comments about her future plans: that she plans on coming over with her MIL while you're gone.

"Actually, we won't have time to do that cleaning before I return and I have a cleaning lady coming over when I'm back. DH and I have childcare arrangements all worked out, so you actually don't need to come over Monday and Tuesday. I know how much the kids wear you out, so you'll be happy to know that you're off the hook!" 

Hey, you're doing her a favor. : )

I would just approach her comments with a really nonplussed attitude. Oh, you think our lives and arrangements should be different? That's interesting... but that's not the way it works for us. Sorry.

[SPuck]

We're planning family stuff Tuesday evening and a party for friends on Saturday afternoon.  I would rather just have our nuclear family on Tuesday, but the only way I can keep the entire extended family from showing up at her birthday party Saturday is to have them over on Tuesday

I am curious, why can't you keep your extended family from showing up on these dates?

[Slartibartfast]

We're planning family stuff Tuesday evening and a party for friends on Saturday afternoon.  I would rather just have our nuclear family on Tuesday, but the only way I can keep the entire extended family from showing up at her birthday party Saturday is to have them over on Tuesday

I am curious, why can't you keep your extended family from showing up on these dates?

Because MIL already told FIL, SIL2, and SIL1's kids (whom we rarely even see) about Babybartfast's party, apparently in a way which led to them believing they were invited    Luckily she didn't know the exact time (we're having it in the evening; she assumed afternoon).  I was able to explain to SIL2 that this is actually a party for 5-year-old girls; I'm just betting on SIL1's kids not bothering to come.  We haven't actually said anything about them coming over on Tuesday, but I'm expecting the ". . . what time should we be there?" call any day now.  I also expect that DH will want them there, and I don't mind *that* much (I wouldn't have invited them but I do enjoy MIL/FIL/SIL2's company) so even though we haven't extended an invitation I think I can count on feeding a larger group Tuesday.

[Sophia]

Honestly, I think it is time to use the Dog Whisperer "Zzst" on her every time she starts talking about cleanliness. 

She already knows you don't want to hear it. 

[CakeEater]

OP, I'm 100% sure my MIL thinks of my housekeeping the same way as yours, and she has managed to say not a single word about her opinion in the nealy 8 years we've been married. So it is possible! She raised three kids, worked fulltime and did every scrap of housework herself. Craziness - but she's managed to never criticize our house (to DH or me, anyway).

I really like this plan:

Your mother-in-law is not kind or sweet, she is a bull dozer and keep trying to roll over you no matter what. The only way to get her to learn boundaries is to enforce them. It is time to spine up and not deal with her games. Since you have already seemed to master the No it is time to erect walls in other areas. If she starts complaining to you over the phone hang up or hand the phone to her son. If she is is your territory complaining, tell her "Well mother-in-law since you don't like my home/children/life style, I guess you can leave." Then grab her items and lead her to the door. If you are out of your territory but she is still complaining grab yourself and children and leave. She will either get the hint or you are justified in seeing her less. Your aren't beholden to her in anyway, you don't have to put up with her.

Oops, came back to say - MIL might be kind and wonderful in many ways. But kind and wonderful people don't go through your closets, and they don't ask you to clean your closets, for heaven's sake, before they come and visit. That is really rude and way over the line. I'd be absolutely furious if my MIL asked me to get my closets cleaner so that  they would meet with her MIL's approval when she brought her over at a time she wasn't invited or needed to do an inspection. That is utter madness - your DH must see how weird that is?

[Slartibartfast]

Honestly, I think it is time to use the Dog Whisperer "Zzst" on her every time she starts talking about cleanliness. 

She already knows you don't want to hear it.

This made me giggle and I will think of it every time she mentions something now 

[Venus193]

She demands that you clean your closets?  I say she needs to be put in Time Out (as in Of My House).

I think a moratorium on her visits is called for, including changing your locks and confiscating any keys she has.

[*inviteseller]

You have been away..your husband and children are in the house, and the mess is your fault?  Do you have special powers to clean from a distance?  Do you have my former MIL???  I never did anything half as good as her and her son suffered, suffered I say from my lack of care!    Tell your husband that she is not to watch the kids at your house..period.  If he is not with you on drawing boundaries, then there is a problem.   And how is she going to watch a 5 yr old and a 1 yr old with her MIL??  And seriously, how does she know how 'messy' your closets are unless she was snooping?  She would NOT be allowed over unsupervised (by you because hubby can't be trusted to stand up to her) ever.  It is no wonder your DH doesn't do anything for himself...like my ex, mommy dearest did it and they have to be untrained and retrained.