Author Topic: Coordination, perhaps?  (Read 1643 times)

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Thipu1

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Coordination, perhaps?
« on: July 25, 2013, 10:37:19 AM »
At the beginning of July, I asked for advice on how to manage the gift of a check as a Wedding gift.  As is usual here, E-Hellions provided thoughtful and useful suggestions for which we are thankful. 

Now we have a new situation connected to this Wedding that I thought the good folks here might find humorous. 

We sent our regrets to the parents of the Bride on July 2.  Yesterday July 24, we received an invitation from the Groom's parents to the rehearsal dinner and bowling party on the night before the Wedding.  It's a whimsical and nicely-made postcard invitation.  It came in an envelope with a 'Celebrate' stamp and the address was hand-written.  In short, time and thought went into this invitation. We appreciate being included but have sent our regrets for this event as well.   

I don't know how these things work but it seems there was plenty of time for the parents of the Bride to communicate to the parents of the Groom which guests had already sent regrets and have those guests removed from the rehearsal dinner list.  At the very least it would save time and postage. 

Have others here encountered something like this?

StuffedGrapeLeaves

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2013, 10:41:13 AM »
I've sent regrets to the wedding and still receive invitations to other wedding-related events, including rehearsal dinners and the day-after brunch. 

I think the thought is that if you are going to invite them to these events anyway, go ahead and send the invitations because maybe they can make the other events even if they can't make the wedding itself.   

Hmmmmm

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2013, 11:23:04 AM »
Agree with the above and sometimes it is about the "honor" of being invited to the special events.

My newphew was married a few months ago. My sister knew months in advance that we would not be able to go to the rehearsal dinner she was hosting (DD's prom the same night in our city) and would be "just" making to their city for the wedding. I still received invitations for the rehearsal dinner and the bridal luncheon held the day of the wedding.

TootsNYC

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2013, 12:41:00 PM »
I think it's perfectly reasonable for the hosts of other wedding events to say, "we're inviting them anyway, even if they aren't coming to the wedding, because we want them to know that we *wish* to include them."

Especially do I think it's a good move for the other side of the family, to indicate to their new "connections" that they have hospitable feelings toward them.

Also, what if your plans changed? They would want you to feel welcome.

Do you feel upset that they invited you to the rehearsal dinner? How is that wrong of them?


jpcher

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2013, 06:43:41 PM »
I think the thought is that if you are going to invite them to these events anyway, go ahead and send the invitations because maybe they can make the other events even if they can't make the wedding itself.

I agree with this.

Tea Drinker

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2013, 07:34:13 PM »
I'm with the other posters here.

Unless you sent your regrets with something like "I'm sorry, I'd love to, but we're going to be in Australia that entire month" or "thanks so much for thinking of me, but I really can't make it across the ocean to your wedding," being busy Saturday afternoon doesn't say anything about Friday evening. Even if you did explain that while you would love to attend, you're going to be 3,000 miles away for a month, that information might not be passed along if a third party already had the list of invitees. (The guest who can't attend the wedding because their child is performing in Oklahoma! might be able to get a friend or neighbor to take that child to the dress rehearsal.)
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Midnight Kitty

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2013, 08:44:44 PM »
I don't know how these things work but it seems there was plenty of time for the parents of the Bride to communicate to the parents of the Groom which guests had already sent regrets and have those guests removed from the rehearsal dinner list.  At the very least it would save time and postage.
I don't see why this should have been coordinated.  Parents of the Bride wish to invite people to the wedding and Parents of the Groom wish to invite people to the rehearsal dinner.  They are not necessarily the same people.  Just because someone can't attend the wedding doesn't mean they don't want to be involved in the wedding in any way, shape, or form.  In fact, it could be that the Parents of the Groom discovered that you sent regrets to the Parents of the Bride because you would not be able to attend the wedding and thought, "Well, maybe they can make the rehearsal dinner and still share in this special event."
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*inviteseller

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2013, 06:10:20 PM »
Thipu, I am with you on finding this humorous.    If you send regrets to a wedding, why keep inviting you to all the events of the weekend, especially if you are from out of town?  Also, as I have said before, I worked in the social stationery business for 13 years, so we did a lot of wedding related invitations, and one of our biggest wonders was the rehearsal dinner having turned into a big to do.  Typically, rehearsal dinners are for the HC, their parents, grandparents, and the bridal party.  I remember one we did where the mother of the groom was inviting over 100 people to a fairly formal dinner for the rehearsal and we were a bit flabbergasted..almost like a pre reception. 

Thipu1

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2013, 08:45:36 PM »
I thank you, invite seller,

We aren't offended at all by the invitation.  Amused might be a better term. It was well produced and thoughtful.  We appreciate the thought and wish the HC well but there is no way we will be attending anything connected to this Wedding.

We live about 2000 miles away from the festivities.  Everything is being held on a major holiday weekend.  We've figured out the the Bride is the daughter or ( more likely) grand daughter of a cousin of MIL's no. Three sister's second husband.

  Can our decision not to attend be understood?

We don't think this is a gift grab.  Knowing how large and convoluted the family is, we think it's more likely that they don't want to offend by leaving anyone out.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2013, 08:49:44 PM by Thipu1 »

jpcher

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2013, 12:59:01 PM »
We live about 2000 miles away from the festivities.  Everything is being held on a major holiday weekend.  We've figured out the the Bride is the daughter or ( more likely) grand daughter of a cousin of MIL's no. Three sister's second husband.

  Can our decision not to attend be understood?

C'mon. You can't come up with a better excuse?

 ;D

shhh its me

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Re: Coordination, perhaps?
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2013, 01:42:38 PM »
  I think its more a matter of following the rule " Invite those you wish to invite. Don't assume they can't come"  even though obviously you're not going to fly in for a rehearsal dinner and then not going to the wedding the next day. It's not just coordinating who isn't coming to the wedding but why their aren't coming to the wedding. If 5 people declined the wedding who were on the RD guest list , one lives far away , two is having surgery 3 days before the wedding , three is working the night of the wedding , four didn't give a reason why but they live a medium distance , five declined and there are no "obvious"reasons why. Which do you still invite to the RD? Let's say you invite three and five.......One is annoyed because you invited all and sundry to the RH and knows the " invite those you wish to invite...." rule and assumes you didn't really want them at the wedding you just invited them as a gift grab. Two is hurt because  you didn't invite her but invited her brother five so you must dislike her.  Four is unavailable the night of the wedding but really wanted to celebrate with the HP and she never gets invited to "minor stuff" because she lives 400 miles away and feels really disconnected from the family.   It's a bit silly. They know you aren't coming but they followed the simple rule