Author Topic: Kissing on the mouth  (Read 4937 times)

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Psychopoesie

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Kissing on the mouth
« on: July 26, 2013, 05:25:59 AM »
My SIL is accustomed to kissing family & close friends on the mouth when greeting or saying goodbye.

I'm more reserved - light kiss on the cheek for friends/family with kissing on the mouth reserved for romantic partners. So I tend to feel a bit uncomfortable when my SIL greets me.

My brother & SIL live a four hours away, so it's not like I see them that often. Does still bug me while I am visiting.

Nonverbal signals haven't worked so far and I've been reluctant to say something about what is essentially an affectionate and well intentioned gesture from a really lovely person. Compared to some of the IL issues people have, this is really minor.

Would still appreciate some tips on polite ways to ask SIL to please kiss me on the cheek, not the lips.

Thanks. :)




weeblewobble

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2013, 06:27:48 AM »
Treat her like you would an over-affectionate first date.  When she goes in for the mouth kiss, very deliberately present her your cheek.  If she protests that she wants some of that sugar, tell her that you're more comfortable with kisses on the cheek.

Personally, I don't blame you for being uncomfortable.  I don't kiss anyone on the lips but my husband. There's a level of intimacy there that outstrips the relationship that you share with someone that you only see a few times a year. Your level of comfort and your boundaries are just as important as hers. 

YummyMummy66

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2013, 07:47:35 AM »
I would just turn my head each time she tried to kiss me on the lips and she would get my cheek.    She should get the hint and if she says anything, I would just tell her, sorry, but that is not for me.  I only kiss romantic partners on the lips and since that is never happening, you get the cheek!

MrTango

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2013, 08:15:04 AM »
I'd gesture with my hand for her to not go in for a kiss, and if she's so dense as to not pick up on that nonverbal signal, just let her walk into your hand, keeping her at arm's length.

I don't do kisses (except with my wife), and I don't tolerate hugs from anyone outside my immediate family and closest friends.  What I'll do is offer my hand for a handshake.  If the person goes in for a hug anyway, my arm is already between us.

Venus193

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2013, 08:16:38 AM »
I'd gesture with my hand for her to not go in for a kiss, and if she's so dense as to not pick up on that nonverbal signal, just let her walk into your hand, keeping her at arm's length.

I don't do kisses (except with my wife), and I don't tolerate hugs from anyone outside my immediate family and closest friends.  What I'll do is offer my hand for a handshake.  If the person goes in for a hug anyway, my arm is already between us.

I'd second this one.

CakeEater

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2013, 08:19:23 AM »
I guess since you've said non-verbal signals aren't working, that you've tried the constant head-turning?

Can you hold her by the elbows, and don't let her head near yours?
Or hug, put your head right past hers and give an enthusiastic air kiss, then launch straight into a greeting?

I would be stunned if someone kissed me on the mouth.

Psychopoesie

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2013, 08:35:59 AM »
OP here. Thanks for the replies.  :)

Nice to know I'm not alone in the discomfort stakes on this one.

Have tried non verbal stuff (presenting my cheek *really* obviously). Expected she'd pick up on those cues but not so far (they've been married a few years). Have managed to dodge her a few times but she keeps doing it & has freakily fast reflexes or something.

Suddenly switching to a handshake (while a little tempting) would feel awkward at this point & probably hurt her feelings as well which I am trying to avoid. It is however something I've done with acquaintances who want to be more huggy/kissy than I prefer.

Think I'm going to have to say something to her and would really like some suggestions on what to say, how to approach.

Admit I chuckled over weeblewobble's suggestion that "If she protests that she wants some of that sugar, tell her that you're more comfortable with kisses on the cheek." Humour may in fact be the way to go. 

ETA. CakeEater posted at same time. Hadn't tried the elbow grab. May have to rehearse as a manouvre or there could be some accidental knocking of heads.

« Last Edit: July 26, 2013, 08:40:37 AM by Psychopoesie »

weeblewobble

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2013, 12:42:25 PM »
I don't think you have to make a big production out of a pre-emptive conversation. Just in the moment, turn your cheek and say, "I'm a bit more comfortable with cheek kisses, thanks!"

Maybe add, "I'm saving the sugar for my (romantic partner)."

:)

CakeBeret

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2013, 01:11:30 PM »
I have a relative who wants to mouth-kiss me. I am wildly uncomfortable with this. I preemptively kiss her cheek, making it natural for her to then kiss my cheek.

I'm actually not a fan of the cheek kiss either, but in this case it works and it's much better than the alternative.
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

Tea Drinker

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2013, 01:14:00 PM »
If it's true for you (as it is for me) you might tell her "For me, that sort of kiss is romantic and/or sexual in nature. I'm not comfortable kissing someone I'm not dating on the mouth."

If she then protests that she doesn't mean it that way, you can agree and say "I know you don't. That's exactly why I don't want to kiss you that way."
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

CakeBeret

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2013, 01:20:18 PM »
Another thought I had. If you think a humorous approach might work, you could tell her, "You could at least buy me dinner first!"
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

chicajojobe

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2013, 01:21:42 PM »
I agree with the handle it the same way you would a first date who's moving too fast. Do the last second cheek turn.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2013, 01:32:43 PM by chicajojobe »

Judah

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2013, 01:24:35 PM »
I don't think you have to make a big production out of a pre-emptive conversation. Just in the moment, turn your cheek and say, "I'm a bit more comfortable with cheek kisses, thanks!"

Maybe add, "I'm saving the sugar for my (romantic partner)."

:)

I agree, don't make a big production, just say something light in the moment. I like weeblewobble's wording.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

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Zizi-K

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #13 on: July 26, 2013, 01:39:26 PM »
If giving hints isn't working, I think it's sometimes useful to use humor in these situations. When the kiss is immanent (greeting or parting), you can say dramatically and with a smile, "Now Sue, I'm only going to kiss your cheek because I don't want you to get the wrong idea!" If she looks confused, you can drop the "joke" and say "Actually, Sue, I was raised to cheek-kiss family and reserve the lips for my one-and-only. I hope you understand."

PastryGoddess

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Re: Kissing on the mouth
« Reply #14 on: July 26, 2013, 02:29:34 PM »
Maybe rather than turning your cheek, you can put your hand over your mouth, so that she runs into it.  When she looks at you funny, I would just say something to her matter of factly.  If you don't stop it now, you are in for years of being uncomfortable with your SIL over this.