Author Topic: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....  (Read 6386 times)

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shhh its me

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #30 on: July 26, 2013, 11:41:08 PM »
OP here. Thank you all for your views on these situations.

I honestly didn't post on FB to stir the pot. most of my FB friends as well as myself request prayers for various situations, and there is hardly ever a reason given. If someone in our group needs prayers we just pray

Op you may have thought this when you posted it but you now know that a request for prayers may be met with questions to the benefactor of those prayers or their family.  You may never think about why but people in your group do and they are willing to ask around to satiate their curiosity.

Unless FIL asks for your prayers I don't think you should mention him again.

Just the etiquette issues , your MIL were rude for asking her son to tell his father she was leaving and rude to impolitely demand you not Facebook about it.  I don't actually think a polite demand would have been rude , meaning I think "do not post about my divorcee in a public place which my children and friends have access to" is something a person can actually ask and you would be rude to disregard it.

BIL spoke to you horrible but that doesn't mean he wasn't right.  "Please pray for my FIL" a reasonable outcome is that people would ask FIL or the family. 

OP you were the least rude but you're the person here asking a question. Just because people behave very badly doesn't mean they dont have feelings or deserve basic human respect.  Your SIL may have been hurt by this , she was the one who was questioned.

tinkytinky

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #31 on: July 26, 2013, 11:54:03 PM »
BIL was the one that was telling people about the divorce, not me. I said little to anyone except DH and FIL. I asked for prayers, BIL's friends that I know put two and two together. His getting mad at me about facebook has more to do with me not deleting my account than his being embarrassed about his parents. He has been estranged from his mother for years before this, so it not his respect for her either. He told FIL to just suck it up, and by the way put your property in his name so his kids would have an inheritance. He tries to tell DH how to raise our kids and gets mad when we don't follow his demands. Neither MIL or BIL requested or asked. they demanded. The reason that MIL told DH when I wasn't around was because she knew that I wouldn't post anything anyway and she didn't want to listen to my reasonable explanation. it really is a control issue.  (just trying to give a better understanding on the people I am dealing with here.) FWIW, FIL has no problem with asking for prayers. He recognizes that prayers can't hurt. He knows what I posted and was fine with it. other family members know and have no issues with the requests. because it done so often, it's kind of a given. I know I asked but the question was for helpful words, not to tell me that I was the wrong one and how insensitive I was. I get it. I wasn't 100% correct.   I was given great advice on the cards so I'm grateful for that.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2013, 12:02:29 AM by tinkytinky »

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MrTango

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #32 on: July 27, 2013, 09:57:26 AM »
So BIL wants your FB account to disappear?

I can see two simple options:

1) Placate him: You can adjust your security settings so that no one except your friends can find your account.  Once that's done, how many people would you have to block to give him the impression that you've "deleted" your account?

2) The next time he gripes at you about your FB account, let him know in no uncertain terms that this is your account and he does not have any say over what you do with the account, who you friend on your account, what information you choose to post on the account, and if he doesn't like it that's his problem, not yours.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2013, 09:59:23 AM by MrTango »

Girlie

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #33 on: July 27, 2013, 11:43:32 AM »
For the record, I am part of a community where it is not uncommon to ask for prayers.

I don't think OP was trying to cause any commotion or problems - especially if the people for whom the prayers were actually requested do not mind it. Indeed, it is possible that FIL and DD actually appreciate the prayer requests.

My only advice to the OP and other posters is that if you ever are unsure about asking for a prayer request for someone, we often let others know that we have "An unspoken request." In my area, it's what you say when you have a prayer request that you either are not ready or not willing to go into detail about. 

nolechica

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #34 on: July 27, 2013, 12:41:58 PM »
If MIL or BIL had asked rather than demanded, I'd say you should alter your FB.  As is, they don't deserve their demands be granted and you should only address FIL.  Saving face for MIL when she's not deserving, to put it lightly, is not your job.

shhh its me

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #35 on: July 27, 2013, 01:00:58 PM »
If MIL or BIL had asked rather than demanded, I'd say you should alter your FB.  As is, they don't deserve their demands be granted and you should only address FIL.  Saving face for MIL when she's not deserving, to put it lightly, is not your job.

I don't think it matters that they demand. using a more black and white example  if you accidentally park in another person spot they are rude to yell at you but it doesn't mean you don't have to respect "this is my paid for private parking spot".  I should but I don't have to ask you nicely to not smoke in my home. I'd be rude to yell "Get OUT OF MY HOUSE WITH THAT CIGARETTE " but that doesn't mean you wouldn't be rude to keep smoking.

 Don't gossip about me is something people have a right to. Noting , OP may not have intended  to gossip but its what happened. At least one person brought this up with a 3rd party and"my wife is getting questioned " implies multiple people brought it up to her. People didn't talk to OP or FIL they questioned SIL, remember SIL has apparently done nothing to deserve being involved in the drama.   Someone/s in op FB group apparently like to gossip ,op should be aware of that now and from this point on its her responsibility not to provide fodder for gossip.

It's not etiquette if the rules only apply to nice people we like. 

Iris

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #36 on: July 27, 2013, 08:02:24 PM »
Honestly, I think it boils down to BIL being very angry with his mother and embarrassed about the situation, but being unable to express it to his mother either because he isn't in contact with her or is incapable of being honest about his feelings.  So instead, he takes his anger out on an available, convenient target.  No matter how angry he is, it's not OK for him to yell at OP like that.

This. I'm not a fan of vaguebooking myself, but I know people whose online communities work that way and it's really not okay to dictate to them how they post. The only person with any right to object to that post is FIL himself.
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TootsNYC

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #37 on: July 28, 2013, 12:08:43 AM »
I think it's telling that your MIL immediately said to your DH, "tell your wife, NO FACEBOOK."

That indicates to me that you have a reputation (at the very least with her, but I notice your BIL reacted strongly as well) of spreading information too broadly on Facebook.

It might be worth really looking at your pattern of sharing info about the family, etc.

zyrs

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #38 on: July 28, 2013, 12:45:47 AM »
I think it's telling that your MIL immediately said to your DH, "tell your wife, NO FACEBOOK."

That indicates to me that you have a reputation (at the very least with her, but I notice your BIL reacted strongly as well) of spreading information too broadly on Facebook.

It might be worth really looking at your pattern of sharing info about the family, etc.

I don't know.  My wife's sister is constantly telling my wife and I not to mention anything about her on facebook.  My wife doesn't have a facebook account, and none of my friends know my wife has a sister.  But according to my wife's sister, I'm probably blabbing enough to make it so everyone's bank accounts are at risk.

tinkytinky

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #39 on: July 28, 2013, 01:17:02 AM »
OP here. new development. I ran into the person (singular) that "questioned" SIL (SIL had previously told me who had talked to her and it was just one). She asked about FIL and DD. I  basically said as well as can be expected. she went on to say they were sure shocked when BIL told them about the divorce AND that the date for the hearing was on his nieces birthday. (I have the only girls, the rest have all boys).  She said that BIL had made a big deal about it. Interesting. I now suspect that I was his scapegoat so SIL wouldn't find out he was the one giving info out.

MIL has a habit of giving orders and demanding things from people so it isn't "telling" that she said that. it's really kind of normal for her. She told me once that I couldn't have a flower garden in my yard because the people who owned our house before us wouldn't approve. the people in question were her MIL and FIL, and they had both passed away several years before. She professed her hatred (her word) for them on several occasions. FIL however had no problem with us putting in a garden at a house we were paying for, regardless of who previously owned it.  She told another family member who was separating from her spouse that she (family member) would NOT get a divorce because there was no divorce on her side of the family, and it wouldn't start with her. ( I only give these examples to illustrate her normal thought processes)

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Twik

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #40 on: July 28, 2013, 12:36:18 PM »
OP here. new development. I ran into the person (singular) that "questioned" SIL (SIL had previously told me who had talked to her and it was just one). She asked about FIL and DD. I  basically said as well as can be expected. she went on to say they were sure shocked when BIL told them about the divorce AND that the date for the hearing was on his nieces birthday. (I have the only girls, the rest have all boys).  She said that BIL had made a big deal about it. Interesting. I now suspect that I was his scapegoat so SIL wouldn't find out he was the one giving info out.

Ah. Then you've done a good deed and made him happy.  ;)
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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #41 on: July 28, 2013, 03:39:48 PM »
Tinky, I have had enough crazy relatives to know how exhausting it is to deal with them, and I sympathize.

The only way I know to stay sane, is to focus on what you can control, taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions, and bringing the most mature and kind choices you can into the situation.  That usually includes some honest self-examination of how you may be contributing to problems - even if you had no bad intent.

If you want hugs and sympathy only, that is what the hugs board is for.  Advice boards are where people will ask you questions and challenge your take on the situation.  Several folks here, myself included, think that there are things you could do - or stop doing- to improve the situation and make it (slightly) easier to deal with your inlaws.  It's your choice whether you want to take that advice or not, but just re-iterating that your inlaws are horrible, selfish, controlling people really doesn't leave YOU anywhere to go, does it?

You can choose to treat selfish, controlling people in a kind way.  You can choose not to make things worse.  You can choose to give respect even if you aren't getting it back.

Best of luck to you.
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ccnumber4

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Re: You can't force a rel[color=black]ationship[/color]....
« Reply #42 on: July 30, 2013, 12:14:49 AM »
I think it's telling that your MIL immediately said to your DH, "tell your wife, NO FACEBOOK."

That indicates to me that you have a reputation (at the very least with her, but I notice your BIL reacted strongly as well) of spreading information too broadly on Facebook.

It might be worth really looking at your pattern of sharing info about the family, etc.

I agree with this completely.