Author Topic: Church Members Concerned About My DH  (Read 2466 times)

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F_L_O

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Church Members Concerned About My DH
« on: May 30, 2014, 11:12:42 AM »
My DH and I are currently separated. We are keeping this private for now because it's so new and we're still friends and who knows what will happen? It may lead to divorce or we may get back together. We're taking things a day at a time, and I think it's good that we're talking - now more than when we were together, actually.

Anyway, since he hasn't been with me at church the last couple of Sundays, naturally our church friends are curious as to where he is. Most of them have simply said "Tell DH we missed him today" which is fine; I say "I will".

But one lady, not known for her tact, came out and asked "Is DH sick?" I was a little taken aback, so I just said "Yes", and justified it by thinking to myself, he's sick for not wanting to be with me LOL.

Is this a situation where a little white lie is OK? I suppose I could have said "So kind of you to take an interest" but in this case, this is someone I've known (through church) for years. On second thought, maybe that's better than having her think he's sick and having unwarranted sympathy for him!

Or is there some other phrase I can keep in mind?

poundcake

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Re: Church Members Concerned About My DH
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2014, 11:27:59 AM »
"Thanks for your concern, everything is just fine. Bean dip?"

BeagleMommy

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Re: Church Members Concerned About My DH
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2014, 11:29:54 AM »
No, he's fine.  I'll tell him you asked after him.

Tea Drinker

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Re: Church Members Concerned About My DH
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2014, 12:37:34 PM »
I like BeagleMommy's answer, for the next time (since there likely will be a next time).

Since you did say that yes, he was sick, if the same person asks next week--or someone else says "I hear your husband has been sick"--you can say "he's doing better now, thanks for asking" and then change the subject. If someone was sick one weekend and better the next, I wouldn't think anything of it, since it's normal for colds and a number of other things to get better on that timescale.

I think the white lie is fine. (What would have been questionable was any sort of elaborating about nonexistent symptoms, or making a big fuss about something like hay fever or arthritis that he'd had for years at the same level. And that's iffy because it tends to lead into further complications and people asking him about it later.) If you haven't already, the next time you talk to him you should probably tell him "By the way, Church Lady asked if you'd been sick and I said yes without thinking. So if she asks if you're feeling better, next time you see her, that's why."
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

JenJay

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Re: Church Members Concerned About My DH
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2014, 04:07:29 PM »
I think your answer was fine. I'm wondering, though, if you shouldn't have something ready in case he's absent for awhile so people 1) don't worry and 2) don't pester you about it. Maybe something like "He's fine. He's not able to come with me for now." and if they persist in asking when/if he'll be back "I'm sorry but the answer to that is personal and I can't speak for him. I promise that he's doing well."

Psychopoesie

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Re: Church Members Concerned About My DH
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2014, 07:20:49 PM »
I like beaglemommy's answer too. I would think "so kind of you to ask after him. I'll let him know he's missed." Would also be fine.

I'd be a bit worried that saying "he's not able to come right now" would trigger more questions about why he's not able although it's still fairly vague. I prefer jenjay's suggestion of saying it's personal.

The reasons I'd expect a previously regular attendee to be skipping church while their wife still attends would be illness (own or another family member's), travelling away, new working hours, or some sort of crisis of faith. So further questions might come at this from those angles, if it helps anticipate.

If you haven't done this already, it may be worth checking in with your DH, not just about what you said to this church lady, but about what he's telling people more generally. Would be good to know you're both singing from the same song sheet if and when people ask. I'm assuming there are places he's now showing up without you or where he could bump into church people.

Promise

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Re: Church Members Concerned About My DH
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2014, 10:38:26 PM »
I would suggest that you and your husband decide on how you will address this, what you will say to people. People at church are a part of your social circle. If you husband was a regular attender, he will be missed. People in church are often encouraged by the pastor to notice who isn't there any longer and to reach out to them. It's about being in community together. It is a good thing that people notice that he's not there and tell you he's missed! In some churches, no one would notice, which is a sad thing. There is nothing wrong in saying that you are separated but are working towards reconciliation. It might be beneficial to have them pray with you and for you.