Author Topic: Funeral Dress Code Seems To Be Changing - "Dress Clothes" Definition  (Read 12677 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

camlan

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8563
This.  I wear black because I can't find anything darker, but I'll park my POD here.

I cringed when my niece wore Barbie pink strappy top with a mini skirt to her mother's funeral, but it helped an 11 year old child get though the worst day of her life because her mom bought the outfit.  I'll roll with it.  I don't how she walked in those glitter flip flops in March, though!

My mom won't be having a funeral (her wishes), but if she did, I'd avoid her least favorite color, that's all.

I find it hard to believe that you thought it was appropriate to judge what a child wore to their parent's funeral. My father died when I was 8 and all my siblings and I simply wore our best clothes. For my sister and I did not include black but instead dresses with flowers and lace (in January). I don't know if it was on purpose or if it was because our mother was too overwhelmed to do otherwise. However, I'd hate to think that anybody there was judging us for not wearing traditional mourning.

Children aren't supposed to wear black. Traditionally, all white is also acceptable mourning wear, and that's what most people would have dressed children in, way back when.

These days, Miss Manners says children should be in the equivalent of church clothes for a funeral.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13739
A good friend of good friends of mine died a couple of years ago.  They'd all played on the same beach volleyball team for years, called the Flying Hawaiians.  They all wore Hawaiian shirts to his funeral, with his wife's blessing.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

turnip

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 531
This.  I wear black because I can't find anything darker, but I'll park my POD here.

I cringed when my niece wore Barbie pink strappy top with a mini skirt to her mother's funeral, but it helped an 11 year old child get though the worst day of her life because her mom bought the outfit.  I'll roll with it.  I don't how she walked in those glitter flip flops in March, though!

My mom won't be having a funeral (her wishes), but if she did, I'd avoid her least favorite color, that's all.

I find it hard to believe that you thought it was appropriate to judge what a child wore to their parent's funeral. My father died when I was 8 and all my siblings and I simply wore our best clothes. For my sister and I did not include black but instead dresses with flowers and lace (in January). I don't know if it was on purpose or if it was because our mother was too overwhelmed to do otherwise. However, I'd hate to think that anybody there was judging us for not wearing traditional mourning.

My jaw dropped at this too.  An 11 year old child is at her _mother's_ funeral and you even spent a moment thinking about the appropriateness of her attire?   That is a whole other level of bad etiquette, IHMO.

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12884
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
What a minor wears to a parent's funeral...is going to depend on the surviving parent noticing what the child is wearing or someone else putting together something for them to wear.  I can see where the recently widowed might not be capable of doing more than the barest minimum for a few days or even a few weeks...

I do like the idea of a book for teenagers & college students on putting together a better wardrobe by thinking about what they need for where they go and what they do - but I keep checking out a book from the late 1970s or 1980s about a working wardrobe with sketches of "wardrobe capsules".  The pieces of which mostly mix and match for a given purpose, making a "work" capsule, a "casual capsule", even an "evening capsule" quite possible - and if the person picks the same neutral color as a base (navy, black, chocolate brown, gray, etc.) then most of the other capsules can be mined to put together a travel capsule.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

crella

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1010
This.  I wear black because I can't find anything darker, but I'll park my POD here.

I cringed when my niece wore Barbie pink strappy top with a mini skirt to her mother's funeral, but it helped an 11 year old child get though the worst day of her life because her mom bought the outfit.  I'll roll with it.  I don't how she walked in those glitter flip flops in March, though!

My mom won't be having a funeral (her wishes), but if she did, I'd avoid her least favorite color, that's all.


I find it hard to believe that you thought it was appropriate to judge what a child wore to their parent's funeral. My father died when I was 8 and all my siblings and I simply wore our best clothes. For my sister and I did not include black but instead dresses with flowers and lace (in January). I don't know if it was on purpose or if it was because our mother was too overwhelmed to do otherwise. However, I'd hate to think that anybody there was judging us for not wearing traditional mourning.

My jaw dropped at this too.  An 11 year old child is at her _mother's_ funeral and you even spent a moment thinking about the appropriateness of her attire?   That is a whole other level of bad etiquette, IHMO.

Well, there's cringing inwardly on reflex (can you help that? I think it's an automatic reaction) and not saying anything, and there's having that reflex and then verbalizing it. I don't think she said anything. I don't think seeing something and having a reaction to it are cause to accuse her of 'judging'. You've never seen something at either a funeral or a wedding to make you start a bit? I don't think we can start chiding people for their involuntary reactions and thoughts.....

Quote
I do like the idea of a book for teenagers & college students on putting together a better wardrobe by thinking about what they need for where they go and what they do - but I keep checking out a book from the late 1970s or 1980s about a working wardrobe with sketches of "wardrobe capsules".  The pieces of which mostly mix and match for a given purpose, making a "work" capsule, a "casual capsule", even an "evening capsule" quite possible - and if the person picks the same neutral color as a base (navy, black, chocolate brown, gray, etc.) then most of the other capsules can be mined to put together a travel capsule.

I agree. You hear 'it was either jeans or **********', it leads me to think that people just don't plan a wardrobe with multi-purpose pieces any more.

Quote
I grew up with the notion that one needed a day dress/outfit (not a business suit), a cocktail/semi-formal dress/outfit, a real evening dress/outfit, something appropriate for a wedding (one of the above will normally do) and something appropriate for a funeral,

Right. It takes all the guesswork/upset/rushing out of an already stressful situation.


VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12884
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
The grandparents all dressed with a more formal level of distinction between types of clothing than my children (their great-grandchildren) and others of the same age & generation do today.

My parents and their siblings pretty much are almost as formal in separating out what to wear when and to which sites as their parents were and they raised my sister and I to pay attention.  I get the distinct impression that my brothers were not paying attention to those lessons.....or possibly their wives had a different set of categories than we grew up with.

At least one funeral has seen my nieces in cut off jeans & t-shirts (they grabbed suitcases already packed for summer camp and nobody checked to see what was in them).  This time, they were in strapless prom dresses - one of them with a jacket to wear over it (she was concerned about her shoulders being cold, from what she said) and the other one wanted to "borrow" the jacket - but there was only one jacket in their suitcase.

I've seen this before - if they "share" a suitcase, they will plan to borrow something from their sister and do not pack their own garments as carefully.  I've seen them show up on vacation with only ONE swimsuit for one sister and three for the others - because they had "matching" suits and only one set got packed...we were planning on swimming at least once a day, so two suits each would have been fine to bring.

Makes me glad that Lil Sis and I wore totally different sizes growing up (she was almost six inches shorter than I was until we were in our late twenties - so not even belts & shoes would have fit - only purses and purses were carried, not packed).  I never really could plan to borrow anything from her - possibly a hair clip might have fit, but I kept having my haircuts messed up and trimmed shorter....Mom would sometimes try to save money (she worked part time) and her "just a half inch trims" were usually disasters.

She could run clippers over the boys' hair - but really short hair was THE style for kids their age in West Texas in the 1960s.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2013, 07:50:50 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

geekette

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 291
When my parents were growing up, not wearing black was starting to become acceptable, so long as you were wearing 'Church clothes'/Sunday best.
But these days, a lot of people - young folk especially - don't actually own church clothes. My church is quite casual; jeans and t-shirts are the norm. That means that teenagers are even less likely to have the sort of clothes you'd traditionally expect available.  If my understanding is either my best clothes or my church clothes, I'm going to look terribly out of place - but my parents certainly never thought of advising me that I should wear my business attire to a funeral (I had to google that when my grandmother died a few years back).
When I was in high-school, my friend's grandfather died very unexpectedly. Being from a non-religious family, she didn't actually have any 'Sunday best' clothes, couldn't afford to buy her own clothes right then, and her parents didn't have time to go shopping with her with traveling for the funeral.  She wore her school uniform because it was the nicest clothes she had.  Her (private) school uniform was a maroon blazer, white blouse with maroon scarf, and a maroon skirt, that was a little too short because she'd been shooting up like a weed and parents don't usually consider you'll need another size up a month after last buying it.

mbbored

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5315
    • Budget Grad Student
This.  I wear black because I can't find anything darker, but I'll park my POD here.

I cringed when my niece wore Barbie pink strappy top with a mini skirt to her mother's funeral, but it helped an 11 year old child get though the worst day of her life because her mom bought the outfit.  I'll roll with it.  I don't how she walked in those glitter flip flops in March, though!

My mom won't be having a funeral (her wishes), but if she did, I'd avoid her least favorite color, that's all.


I find it hard to believe that you thought it was appropriate to judge what a child wore to their parent's funeral. My father died when I was 8 and all my siblings and I simply wore our best clothes. For my sister and I did not include black but instead dresses with flowers and lace (in January). I don't know if it was on purpose or if it was because our mother was too overwhelmed to do otherwise. However, I'd hate to think that anybody there was judging us for not wearing traditional mourning.

My jaw dropped at this too.  An 11 year old child is at her _mother's_ funeral and you even spent a moment thinking about the appropriateness of her attire?   That is a whole other level of bad etiquette, IHMO.

Well, there's cringing inwardly on reflex (can you help that? I think it's an automatic reaction) and not saying anything, and there's having that reflex and then verbalizing it. I don't think she said anything. I don't think seeing something and having a reaction to it are cause to accuse her of 'judging'. You've never seen something at either a funeral or a wedding to make you start a bit? I don't think we can start chiding people for their involuntary reactions and thoughts.....

But then she came here and said something here that came across as fairly judgmental of a grieving child.

snappylt

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 458
When my parents were growing up, not wearing black was starting to become acceptable, so long as you were wearing 'Church clothes'/Sunday best.
But these days, a lot of people - young folk especially - don't actually own church clothes. My church is quite casual; jeans and t-shirts are the norm. That means that teenagers are even less likely to have the sort of clothes you'd traditionally expect available.  If my understanding is either my best clothes or my church clothes, I'm going to look terribly out of place - but my parents certainly never thought of advising me that I should wear my business attire to a funeral (I had to google that when my grandmother died a few years back).
When I was in high-school, my friend's grandfather died very unexpectedly. Being from a non-religious family, she didn't actually have any 'Sunday best' clothes, couldn't afford to buy her own clothes right then, and her parents didn't have time to go shopping with her with traveling for the funeral.  She wore her school uniform because it was the nicest clothes she had.  Her (private) school uniform was a maroon blazer, white blouse with maroon scarf, and a maroon skirt, that was a little too short because she'd been shooting up like a weed and parents don't usually consider you'll need another size up a month after last buying it.

(Bolding is mine above.)

That's what I was thinking of when I posted earlier that I suspect that the prom dresses may have the best those young women could do on short notice.



I've posted elsewhere about one of my sons who attended a very casual church.  When he was in high school he did not have any what I would call "dress clothes" that fit him.  We had stopped selecting his clothes for him a few years previously, and he selected only clothes he'd wear to school or church - and at his church the teenagers wore t-shirts and jeans.

My son had an appointment for a in-person interview for a college scholarship program.  The instructions he was sent said he should wear his "Sunday best", so he planned to wear jeans and a t-shirt (which were his Sunday best that were appropriate at his casual church).  I tried to suggest that he should wear what a traditional older person would think of as Sunday best, but my son was a very unyielding sort of fellow and he was sure I didn't know what I was talking about.  (He did switch from jeans to khaki pants, but he still wore a t-shirt to the interview, because that was his Sunday best and he couldn't imagine the interviewers meant anything different.)

Well, when we got to the interview building, it was full of teenage boys and girls all dressed in dressy clothes.  My son and one other boy were the only ones in t-shirts; all the other boys had shirts and ties and dress slacks, and many wore suits.

I kept my mouth shut, and a few minutes later my son on his own whispered to me that he had decided in the future he would always dress up for interviews.  I think he learned a valuable lesson that day.



Getting back to the OP, is it possible that those young women realized that their clothes didn't fit in well at the funeral, and maybe the next time they go to one they may dress differently?

Thipu1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6747
My Grandmother, who was born around 1880, had the best idea about funeral attire. 

'If you expect to receive condolences, you should wear black.  If you expect to offer them, you need not wear black but your clothes should be modest and respectful'.

I have no problem with the volleyball team wearing Aloha shirts to the funeral of a teammate.  That's sweetly respectful to the memory of the deceased.    On the other hand, those who show up in black sweats and black flip-flops because they think everyone should wear black and that's the only black they own are badly mistaken.

I think part of the problem is that, in the media, everyone at a funeral is shown wearing solid black.  Usually, they're also wearing dark glasses. This wasn't ever what was expected in the real world.  Just as the Bride stands out at her Wedding by wearing white, the widow or close relatives of the deceased stand out at a funeral by wearing black.

         

 

Psychopoesie

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 850
At most funerals i've tended to wear smart business clothes in darker colours.

I was visiting my dad when his condition quickly worsened and he died about 2 weeks later. We knew he was sick (terminal cancer) but doctors thought he still had several months left.

It was summer and he lived in a coastal city so I'd packed accordingly. When it became clear I'd need to stay longer than planned, I had some more clothes sent up by post but did not anticipate the need for funeral wear.

So I had to shop for clothes the day before his funeral. There wasn't a big choice (it was a sun and surf sort of place) and I couldn't find anything dark. So I ended up wearing biscuit coloured 3 quarter length pants, matching cotton camisole and collared cotton blouse (with a floral pattern) over that.

I hope no one who came to dad's funeral judged me for that. To be honest I don't remember what anyone else was wearing. I was just grateful they came to pay their respects.



VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12884
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Getting back to the OP, is it possible that those young women realized that their clothes didn't fit in well at the funeral, and maybe the next time they go to one they may dress differently?

The last family funeral that I saw them at, they had grabbed suitcases packed for summer camp (which they would have been going to when they had gotten back - I suppose there was a need for some laundry to be done when they got back) and wore t-shirts and cut off jeans....so the prom dresses were an improvement - they just went too far in the "formal" direction, is the only way I can explain it.  An over correction....now, maybe they will take it one notch down instead of three notches down for the next family funeral....

Which could be next week, as another uncle died today (our mother's sister's husband instead of our father's brother).   

It will depend on whether or not they have gotten home and have time to repack before turning around or if they get dressed from the same suitcases because they haven't had time to get home yet.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2013, 09:44:59 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

zyrs

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1973
  • spiffily male.
Getting back to the OP, is it possible that those young women realized that their clothes didn't fit in well at the funeral, and maybe the next time they go to one they may dress differently?

The last family funeral that I saw them at, they had grabbed suitcases packed for summer camp (which they would have been going to when they had gotten back - I suppose there was a need for some laundry to be done when they got back) and wore t-shirts and cut off jeans....so the prom dresses were an improvement - they just went too far in the "formal" direction, is the only way I can explain it.  An over correction....now, maybe they will take it one notch down instead of three notches down for the next family funeral....

Which could be next week, as another uncle died today (our mother's sister's husband instead of our father's brother).   

It will depend on whether or not they have gotten home and have time to repack before turning around or if they get dressed from the same suitcases because they haven't had time to get home yet.

My condolences on the loss of your uncle.

CakeEater

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2664
I don't think anyone who has expressed the sentiment, "I hope no-one judged me for that' needs to worry. There's a difference between noticing what people wear and judging them for it.

Noticing that a young girl wore a sparkly, perhaps too revealing for her age, outfit to her mother's funeral is fine. Mentioning it here is fine. We're here to discuss the etiquette of funeral dress, after all. Berating the child, or her carer, not fine, but there was no suggestion that that happened.

And in fact, I would argue that we should be noticing how other people dress. How else do we know what suits various occasions, except by seeing what everyone is wearing?

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12884
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Getting back to the OP, is it possible that those young women realized that their clothes didn't fit in well at the funeral, and maybe the next time they go to one they may dress differently?

The last family funeral that I saw them at, they had grabbed suitcases packed for summer camp (which they would have been going to when they had gotten back - I suppose there was a need for some laundry to be done when they got back) and wore t-shirts and cut off jeans....so the prom dresses were an improvement - they just went too far in the "formal" direction, is the only way I can explain it.  An over correction....now, maybe they will take it one notch down instead of three notches down for the next family funeral....

Which could be next week, as another uncle died today (our mother's sister's husband instead of our father's brother).   

It will depend on whether or not they have gotten home and have time to repack before turning around or if they get dressed from the same suitcases because they haven't had time to get home yet.

My condolences on the loss of your uncle.


Thank you - this will be the third funeral this month for my parents (great aunt - widow of Mom's uncle was one that we were away on vacation and missed) and the second for those of my immediate family who can get to it.  Dad's brother and Mom's BIL mean that there is little overlap between those who attended Friday last week and those who will be going to this one...which has yet to be set up.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?