again......asked if i was pregnant

[edgypeanuts]

I am considerably overweight and could probably be mistaken as pregnant.  If someone asked me, it wouldn't bother me in the least.  It's an honest mistake.  It's not their fault I could be seen as pregnant.  It's my fault.  If I choose not to control my weight, then I have to take the responsibility of comments like, "when are you due" or little kids asking why I'm fat.  It's just life.

Following this logic, it would be appropriate to respond with, "What happened to your hairdresser?"  And when the other person is confused reply that you assumed they were out sick as they had not had a proper haircut/coloring in so long.    This is horribly rude, but it follows the same idea of looking at something about someone and assuming what it must mean. 

To the stranger at the zoo, I would have had a hard time not responding, "brave of you to come as well" I would have meant that it must be hard for her to leave her house if she was this inept at conversation, but I would have (tried) to keep that part in my head.

[Allyson]

I think if this happened to me I would let it be a bit awkward, definitely not make jokes about my own weight to make it OK...but I would also not go out of their way to make them feel worse if they already seemed abashed. Basically if I got the impression they were mortified and would never ask that question again, I wouldn't see the point in making it worse. If they thought there was no problem with them asking, then I would be more inclined to speak up.

[The Wild One, Forever]

That's so awful.      It happened to me when my son was about six months old, asked by a lady at a Church doings.  It was way pre e-hell, and I think I sputtered, so as not to have her embarrassed.  Nowadays, if it happened, I'd like to think I'd have a better response just roll off my tongue.  I like, "what condition would that be?" 

[kaybee]

OP here-my kids are23,21,20,16 and 7,so it's not like i just had a baby.......but people seem to think they can just say anything and it's ok........i think there is a whole boundry thing here that is just not working.
it's sort of like asking what kind of birth control so you use......i'm interested and i want to know----the fact that i don't know you shouldn't prevent me from asking you personal questions.and how much is your mortgage and how much do you pay the babysitter and btw---what's your monthly salary......everything is fair game......

[cass2591]

I am considerably overweight and could probably be mistaken as pregnant.  If someone asked me, it wouldn't bother me in the least.  It's an honest mistake.  It's not their fault I could be seen as pregnant.  It's my fault.  If I choose not to control my weight, then I have to take the responsibility of comments like, "when are you due" or little kids asking why I'm fat.  It's just life.

I don't see the point in getting upset about it or making the person feel worse than they probably already do.  In fact, I would go out of my way to make them feel better.

You're missing the point. It's none of anyone's business. Also, it's great that you're okay with it but that doesn't mitigate the humiliation and embarrassment others feel.

[mbbored]

I think if this happened to me I would let it be a bit awkward, definitely not make jokes about my own weight to make it OK...but I would also not go out of their way to make them feel worse if they already seemed abashed. Basically if I got the impression they were mortified and would never ask that question again, I wouldn't see the point in making it worse. If they thought there was no problem with them asking, then I would be more inclined to speak up.

Perhaps I misstated my opinion earlier. I agree that I wouldn't go out of my way to make them feel worse, but I definitely won't comfort them for asking a very rude question.

[JeanFromBNA]

I agree with mbbored.  We have no obligation to make other people think that whatever they do or say is acceptable.  An earned consequence is the best teacher.

[Outdoor Girl]

'I'm sorry; to which condition are you referring?'

And then while they stumble about saying you are pregnant, 'Nope, just overweight.'

These rude people deserve to be embarrassed.  It might keep them from being rude to someone else, who might not be as strong as I am and able to take it.  I'd be hurt but I wouldn't give it a lot of space in my head.

Although at my age and relationship status, if someone suggested I was pregnant, I'd be, 'Seriously, dude?  I'm way too old for that.  Plus it would have to be an immaculate conception.'

[whatsanenigma]

I am considerably overweight and could probably be mistaken as pregnant.  If someone asked me, it wouldn't bother me in the least.  It's an honest mistake.  It's not their fault I could be seen as pregnant.  It's my fault.  If I choose not to control my weight, then I have to take the responsibility of comments like, "when are you due" or little kids asking why I'm fat.  It's just life.

I don't see the point in getting upset about it or making the person feel worse than they probably already do.  In fact, I would go out of my way to make them feel better.

You're missing the point. It's none of anyone's business. Also, it's great that you're okay with it but that doesn't mitigate the humiliation and embarrassment others feel.

Thank you.

And it doesn't take much "extra" weight to look like you are pregnant.  I have slim arms and legs but all my extra weight is in my abdomen, for some reason I don't understand, so I have to be careful what I wear to avoid looking pregnant.  In fact, depending on style of clothing, it could only take a very small amount of extra weight there to look pregnant.

Given that short of a medical emergency, whether or not someone else is pregnant is entirely irrelevant, I agree that all pregnancy assumptions should be kept to oneself.  (And in medical emergencies, all females, no matter how big or small, are asked that question anyway.)

If I were in the OP's position, I probably would have asked "what condition"? And then said, "Are you saying pregnant women shouldn't be at events like this?", basically not telling her one way or the other.

But if I did say I wasn't pregnant, I would not go out of my way to soothe any injured feelings.  I wouldn't go out of my way to make her feel worse, but if you are going to be rude to random people, you need to accept the consequences.

[ClaireC79]

7 is a little old for this (when my daughter did it she was about 5) - but your son hasn't told people you are pregnant in a wishful thinking kind of way has he?  I got asked by my daughter's teacher (but she told me it was because DD had been telling everyone - apparently it was a girl called Evie who was going to live under her bed)

I've also been asked, on the phone, by ex-colleagues,  still work for the same company but at a different site - another Claire was pregnant and they'd put the wrong name to the situation

[TootsNYC]

Not to mention, but it's none of your damned business if I'm pregnant. If I haven't told you, you aren't supposed to pry. If I want you to know the state of my uterus, I'll *TELL* you.

[LifeOnPluto]

I am considerably overweight and could probably be mistaken as pregnant.  If someone asked me, it wouldn't bother me in the least.  It's an honest mistake.  It's not their fault I could be seen as pregnant.  It's my fault.  If I choose not to control my weight, then I have to take the responsibility of comments like, "when are you due" or little kids asking why I'm fat.  It's just life.

Following this logic, it would be appropriate to respond with, "What happened to your hairdresser?"  And when the other person is confused reply that you assumed they were out sick as they had not had a proper haircut/coloring in so long.    This is horribly rude, but it follows the same idea of looking at something about someone and assuming what it must mean. 

Sadly, this actually did happen to me once!

I was 13, and in a shop. A man came up to me (a total stranger) and said, in all sincerity "Gee, what happened to your hair? It looks like you stuck your finger into an electric light socket!"

The worst part was, at the time, I figured it was completely my fault. After all, I did have curly, unkempt hair, right? So consequently, the man's question was "fair game".

It wasn't until years later that I realised how horrible the man's question was, and how I in no way "deserved" it. But I have never forgotten that incident. Never.   

[MariaE]

I am considerably overweight and could probably be mistaken as pregnant.  If someone asked me, it wouldn't bother me in the least.  It's an honest mistake.  It's not their fault I could be seen as pregnant.  It's my fault.  If I choose not to control my weight, then I have to take the responsibility of comments like, "when are you due" or little kids asking why I'm fat.  It's just life.

I don't see the point in getting upset about it or making the person feel worse than they probably already do.  In fact, I would go out of my way to make them feel better.

I feel like asking a woman if she's pregnant has so many ways to be hurtful that people really shouldn't ask. If she isn't pregnant, you've just told her she's fat. Or maybe she's struggling with fertility and it's a reminder of something she wants. She could be pregnant and giving it up for adoption or the baby has a terrible birth defect. Maybe she's even made the decision to terminate.

There are so many ways this question could go wrong that I don't want to comfort somebody who just asked me that question. They should feel slightly uncomfortable so that maybe they think twice before asking it again of somebody who isn't going to be just insulted but maybe also deeply hurt by the question.

The bolded is a really, really good point. For reasons out of my own control, this is not a good time for me to get pregnant. I'm hoping it might just be "not yet", but it may turn out to be "not ever". That breaks my heart - I always saw myself as becoming a mother some day.

I have been asked if I was pregnant exactly once. A dear friend from church hadn't seen me in awhile, and when he did he came towards me, face glowing, hands stretched out in greeting, "Oh Maria! You're pregnant!" Seeing his face crash when I told him "No, I'm not" was horrible. I know he brought it on himself, but he would never knowingly do anything to hurt me, and he was genuinely so thrilled for me that I might finally be pregnant, that I just felt terrible disappointing him.

So his comments hurt me in two ways - that I'd apparently gained weight (or perhaps it was the dress I was wearing...) and that I wasn't pregnant even though I'd really have wished I were.

[Gyburc]

(((Maria))), I'm sorry. And how awful for both you and your friend.

Slightly OT, the comments do keep coming even if you are pregnant... An acquaintance of mine met me after a few weeks, during which time obviously I have expanded rather.  The first thing he said was 'Hey, how are you? Do you feel fat?'

As a matter of fact, I had been looking in the mirror and going 'eeek', but I'd rather die than admit it to this particular person. Or to anyone who asked that question!

[Geekychick1984]

This has happened to me as well more than once.  I've struggled with my weight my whole life (Polycystic ovarian syndrome, a thyroid condition, and an emotional eater). It happened a lot when I worked retail, from as early as 16.

Luckily, it's only happened once after college since working in an office environment.  A few years ago, a woman I barely knew asked when I was due.  I just gave her a blank look and said "oh, I'm just fat."  She looked embarassed, but I just stared at her for a few more seconds (in case she wanted to apologize, not to embarass her) and walked away. 

Somehwat related, I was overweight when I get pregnant (I'm 34 weeks along now).  When I first started showing at 14-16 weeks and wearing maternity clothes, a woman in my building congratulated me on my good fortune.  I thanked her, but then she said "so what are you, 7, 8 months along now?" I told her no, I was only XX weeks along.  She then said "you look so much bigger than that.  You look like you're almost done".  I just looked at her and said "this is what fat people look like when they're pregnant. The fat doesn't go anywhere."  She didn't apologize either.