A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. > Time For a Coffee Break!

Am I an SS mom?

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PastryGoddess:
You've been getting discounted beauty services for some time now.  I think it would be nice of you to go into her salon to help her look good to her boss.  After all, the better she does at her career, the quicker she can become more independent.  I like the idea of alternating as a compromise.

Audrey Quest:
I think you are.

Your daughter is an adult and she is making herself very clear in what she wants to do and not do.

I don't think that this means that she is never going to do your hair at home for free again.  I think that in the future when she has a lot of clients and is confidently independent she will come to you and offer it.

I totally understand that in a way she "owes" it to you.  But, sometimes our young adults just need to do things the way they want to do them and its best to go along with it.  It shows an enormous amount of respect for them as adults to do that.

You don't actually have to tip her - she's your daughter and as you said, you paid for school, et al.  Also, you are helping her look good by coming into the salon.

If you can get the service cheaper closer to home, go for it.  But, given that she is just starting out, I would give in to her.  Don't use your mom powers to make her do something she would rather not.  Save them for things that are more important than a free trim.

AngelicGamer:
POD Audrey Quest.  I've got to say, jpcher, if I was your daughter, I would be highly miffed at you.  I would still do as you asked and do a good job, but it might be the last time that I would do it.  And if you think that I should because you paid for the education, I'd be working as hard and fast as I could to pay you completely back.  Including the trip to Paris and I would be moving out as fast as possible.

A bit OTT?  Yep, but it is how I would react to my mom in the exact same situation. 

thedudeabides:
When you agree to pay for someone's education, you go into it one of a couple of ways: saying "This is something I'm doing for you to help you get started in life, as a gift"; saying "This is something I'm doing for you to help you get started in life, as a loan"; or saying "This is something I'm doing for you to help you get started in life" and then holding it as something owed without explicitly agreeing that anything is owed in return.

The parents who choose the last course of action tend to be those whose kids decide it's not worth being reminded at every turn that they owe their parent(s) for something they thought the parent(s) freely gave.  This leads the kids to cut the apron strings as quickly as humanly possible and not look back.

If you didn't discuss having your daughter pay you back for her education, then you need to stop looking at it as her owing you things and start looking at the money you spent as a gift to her.

delabela:
I totally see where you're coming from - but I would encourage you to see this as a good trait in your daughter. People who do jobs like hers sometimes have a tough time with family members/friends wanting their services for free, and it can take a toll on their business if they don't hold a hard line. Sure, you are in a different category from someone who is just asking for a freebie, since you helped her get where she is, but it may be easier for her if she really does just have a bright line rule that every service she does is through the salon.

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