Author Topic: Don't expect anyone to visit...  (Read 8905 times)

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snowdragon

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2013, 12:00:12 AM »
"I was counting on that" >:D

onikenbai

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2013, 12:00:54 AM »
I moved to the other side of the world for four years and my family said the same thing.  Not a single person came to visit and I was fine with that.  Your family will have to put on their big girl panties and deal with the flip side that you are under no obligation to give in to the emotional blackmail and do all the travelling back to see them whenever they want to see you.

I think Skype Me! is a fine response to somebody flat out saying they're not going to visit you.  It's much more polite than anything else you're probably thinking.

Millionaire Maria

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2013, 01:01:28 AM »
"Oh gosh, I don't know how I could possibly handle having visitors while I'm over there having fun. We don't plan on being home much. Beandip."
People everywhere enjoy believing in things they know are not true. It spares them the ordeal of thinking for themselves and taking responsibility for what they know. –Brooks Atkinson

TootsNYC

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2013, 10:08:15 AM »
Or you could say, "Yes, I know--and don't expect us to visit you either."

scarlett

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #19 on: July 30, 2013, 12:01:52 PM »
"I was counting on that" >:D

OP here, actually for some of them- that is my feeling.

Yes, the expectation is that I must go visit them. They also are truly clueless why I would want to move overseas again. An example is when DH and I went to France for our honeymoon the response was: "why would anyone want to travel that far? There is more to see in 'home' country".

The fact that it came from the sister I am closest too is what hurts; though I know my niece who has three young kids has an a valid excuse for not visiting.

I am going to send a mass e-mail to family and just get it over with.

Funny, when DH and I watch House Hunters International we laugh when people state they need all this room for all the friends and family that will visit- we know better and got the same story from other expat friends.

ladyknight1

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2013, 12:35:34 PM »
Evil LK would reply that she hadn't issued an invitation.

What a silly, careless thing to say. Obviously, what is in OP and her DH's best interest isn't of any concern to the person saying that.

Sharnita

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2013, 01:01:15 PM »
I'm going to differ somewhat. I think that your soster does have a v alid reason not to visit, although she could have expressed it better. You are happy about the move, where you will live, etc. That is great - for you. It isn't her/their choice. She was willing to travel and see you when she was younger. Maybe she didn't love the experience, maybe she feels less afventurous with age. It would be great if they visited but there is no obligation.

JenJay

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #22 on: July 30, 2013, 04:10:15 PM »
"That's too bad; we'll miss you".  Then bean dip.  Though I'm wondering why you want a big announcement, knowing you won't get support and will only get hurt feelings.

I was going to suggest replying "Thanks for the head-up. I guess I won't bother saving up to come visit you if you won't even consider coming to me." but guihong's response is better.  ;)

DH and I moved cross country 2 years ago. Three relatives have come to visit but many more have not. The only one we're upset with is the one who announced before we'd even left that they wouldn't come see us because "there's nothing else to do" around here (we're in Virginia, no more than a day's drive to a dozen wonderful places, but whatever). They travel internationally at least once a year but, when we lived in the same state, they never would make the hour drive to come see us unless there was some type of beer festival or craft fair going on as well. People can spend their time and money on whatever they like and if they choose to spend neither if it on me I will respect that. Just don't expect me to spend mine on you!

hannahmollysmom

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2013, 02:53:49 AM »
Not to sound like a negative Nancy, but I will never travel overseas. Just the thought of flying over an ocean for hours sets my anxiety over the top. I have flown to visit friends in the states, but I prefer flights that have connections. I cannot stand a flight more than 2 hours.

Then again, I may be on the cusp of being an agoraphobic (sp?) as on my weekends, I prefer to stay at home and not go anywhere. Anytime I have to drive somewhere for a weekend gathering, my anxiety really goes up. Once I am at the destination, I am pretty much ok, but on the day I am to return home, I am so excited.

Just throwing it out, that maybe some family has these same anxieties. Not to mention, the cost.

Iris

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2013, 04:30:59 AM »
What your sister said was rude, no doubt about it. But is it possible that when you said "Yay! We're moving overseas and we'll be closer to DH's family!" what she HEARD was "I'm so happy with this move, I don't even CARE that I won't see you for ages! We'll have DH's family and that's just GREAT!" and reacted badly in the moment? Remember that while to you this news is all about a new adventure and career advancement, to *her* it is just that her sister is going out of reach and (possibly in her view) doesn't care much about that.

A bit like when your bff tells you they are moving a great distance away for a good opportunity and you are genuinely happy for them, but there is still a little voice inside that says (selfishly) "But I won't see you as much anymore, and I'll miss you!  :(" As adults hopefully we realise that things aren't about us and we don't open our mouths and say "But what about ME?", but maybe she slipped up. If this is not a regular occurrence with her I would let it slide and see how she behaves next time you see her.

For other people, I like the "We'll miss you too" response.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Stormtreader

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2013, 07:09:49 AM »
"Thats OK, I know we're not really a 'visiting' family" - in other words, if youre not visiting me, dont expect me to go all out visiting you :D

iridaceae

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #26 on: July 31, 2013, 07:26:42 AM »
Well you could answer "I'm not sure why you thought I was expecting anyone to?" with a puzzled look on your face.

In any case maybe your family is jealous? Moving abroad for your career? Could be jealousy-inducing.

TootsNYC

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #27 on: July 31, 2013, 10:03:23 AM »
Not to sound like a negative Nancy, but I will never travel overseas. Just the thought of flying over an ocean for hours sets my anxiety over the top. I have flown to visit friends in the states, but I prefer flights that have connections. I cannot stand a flight more than 2 hours.

Then again, I may be on the cusp of being an agoraphobic (sp?) as on my weekends, I prefer to stay at home and not go anywhere. Anytime I have to drive somewhere for a weekend gathering, my anxiety really goes up. Once I am at the destination, I am pretty much ok, but on the day I am to return home, I am so excited.

Just throwing it out, that maybe some family has these same anxieties. Not to mention, the cost.

I don't think the OP needs to be educated about the difficulties people might face in visiting her. She's got to be completely aware of them. After all, SHE will face those same difficulties if she wants to visit *them*.

It's just such a rude and rejecting way to respond!

But Iris is right, it's possible that there's a feeling of rejection that prompted the statement, tone, word choice, etc.

That's why I suggested acting as though *that* was what they were expressing.

fountainof

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #28 on: July 31, 2013, 10:20:44 AM »
Maybe she just meant to not plan on people visiting so factor that into your decision.  I guess I don't see what is wrong with that and I guess I am kind of in the boat that thinks if you move away from everyone, you make the choice that you will have to be the one to come back and visit if you want to see them.  However, I also don't think it is necessary to ever see people again.  For me I don't really travel to see people that moved, I just change the relationship.  I only see my sister every couple of years because she moved a province away and I am just not a big traveller, I rarely travel anywhere as it just doesn't interest me and my sister cannot really afford the time or money to travel here either.  My mom does travel there though and stays a few weeks a year.

ETA:  I would be annoyed though if someone moved and then expected I would visit.  I just don't like expectations out of me and especially not how I spend my money.  Travel can be annoying and expensive and just something I don't really care for.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2013, 10:33:28 AM by fountainof »

TootsNYC

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Re: Don't expect anyone to visit...
« Reply #29 on: July 31, 2013, 10:41:34 AM »

ETA:  I would be annoyed though if someone moved and then expected I would visit.  I just don't like expectations out of me and especially not how I spend my money.  Travel can be annoying and expensive and just something I don't really care for.

But I'd also be annoyed if someone expected me to bear all the burden of us ever seeing one another. Travel is just as annoying and expensive for the person who moved. And the person who moved may not appreciate other people placing expectations on them, especially not how they spend their money.

As the person who moved far away, I *was* the person expected to do most of the traveling, by going back to the region. And I did that.

But it meant a HUGE amount that my parents came to see me in my new home.

2 of my siblings moved far away, and I have been to visit them in their new homes. The only time one of them came here, either I or my mother paid for her ticket. It would have meant a ton to have had any of them come to see me in my place.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2013, 10:43:30 AM by TootsNYC »