Author Topic: What now? ("plus one" issue) (nonupdate post20, final post32, odd update post46)  (Read 16224 times)

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norrina

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[longgggg background]
DF and I are a little over two weeks out from our very small, family only, wedding. The RSVP date is tomorrow.

Right around the time that we were sending out invitations, DF and a close friend of mine ("Julie") were finally able to meet for the first time. Julie very much approved of DF (she was not a fan of my ex, with good reason), and was very happy for us. During the course of relaying all this to me she enthusiastically said, "I want to be invited to the wedding!", at which point I relayed that we were actually having an immediate-family-only event.

If we had been planning a friends wedding Julie would have been invited without a doubt, and likely would have been asked to be an attendant. As it was, I had toyed with the idea of asking Julie to officiate the wedding, as a workaround to our "family only" plan, but ultimately decided I was more comfortable having my brother perform that role. Knowing that I had really wanted Julie at our wedding, when we got home DF told me that if I wanted to invite Julie I should go ahead and do so, and so we did. [/end longgggg background]

The Question
Yesterday Julie and I were texting/emailing/IMing, and she brought up the wedding. I asked if she thought she would be able to make it, since the last time we spoke she needed to see if she could get the time off work. I don't have an RSVP back from her, but I don't have one back from over half our guests, and with such a small guest list it isn't a big deal because I know almost everyone's plans personally. She responded that she was coming, and then asked if she could bring a plus one. I told her that sadly, I was going to have to say no, citing occupancy limits. (Which is true, her attendance brings us to the maximum number of people allowed in our building, though even if space permitted we still would have said no due to the intimate nature of the event.) She stopped chatting after that.

I'm not particularly concerned about her bringing a plus-one anyhow, but at this point, now I don't know if she is coming. And the invitation was not for a specific time, think "brunch", "high tea", "sunrise", or "dusk" type of wording, so if she is still coming, I'll need to let her know exactly what time we will be saying our vows. Should I come out and ask her if she'll still be coming? Just assume my answer didn't change her plans, and let her know the ceremony time? Some other option I'm not thinking of?

The whole situation just got fairly awkward. I never expected to have the "plus one" question come up at my less-than-20-guests wedding.  ???


« Last Edit: April 04, 2014, 05:42:20 PM by norrina »



JenJay

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2013, 03:30:30 PM »
I'd act as if she graciously understood your reasoning, got suddenly pulled away from her phone and was unable to say "Okay, no problem." and continue under the assumption that she's still coming.

mw8242

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2013, 03:38:19 PM »
I would think if she's a good friend she understands your reasoning and is fine. So if you did not get her RSVP in a timely manner I would treat her just like the others and follow up to see if she's attending. So if you don't get an RSVP by end of week I'd just text her and let her know what time the vows are and confirm her attendance at the occasion. She basically invited herself to your event and you graciously extended a formal invitation, expecting more than that would be even more presumptuous of your friend.

TootsNYC

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2013, 04:09:50 PM »
I'm not sure why your invitation couldn't be specific about the start time of the actual event (who cares when the actual vows fall within that time frame? it's not important).

But since she doesn't have that info, simply tell her. Feel free to send it by text.
"The wedding starts at 5:30pm--hope you can still make it."


And then just move forward.

And remember this phrase: "least said, soonest mended."

lowspark

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2013, 04:24:55 PM »
I'm not sure why your invitation couldn't be specific about the start time of the actual event (who cares when the actual vows fall within that time frame? it's not important).

But since she doesn't have that info, simply tell her. Feel free to send it by text.
"The wedding starts at 5:30pm--hope you can still make it."


And then just move forward.

And remember this phrase: "least said, soonest mended."


I like this except I'd change "hope you can still make it" to "look forward to seeing you there".

Quote
... She responded that she was coming ...
So go on the assumption that she is coming rather than making it sound like there is any doubt.

norrina

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2013, 04:33:26 PM »
I'm not sure why your invitation couldn't be specific about the start time of the actual event (who cares when the actual vows fall within that time frame? it's not important). ...

Because when we sent out the invitations, we had not 100% decided whether we were going to be so cruel as to have a sunrise ceremony, or maybe hold off until 8:00 a.m. or so. We're hosting our family (who are all coming from hundreds of miles away, while Julie is local) in accommodations directly across the street from our ceremony location, so the original plan was to make a final decision the night before based on the weather forecast. If there's little chance of catching a pretty sunrise, I'm sure everyone would appreciate sleeping in a bit, so in this instance probably everyone will care when the party actually kicks off.  ;) The invitations said something along the lines of, "at sunrise, or shortly thereafter". 



TootsNYC

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2013, 04:51:10 PM »
If she had said yes, w/ no further questions, how would you tell her about the time of the ceremony?

So now just tell her that way, regardless of anything else.

Lynn2000

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #7 on: July 30, 2013, 05:08:26 PM »
POD, I would go with the assumption she's still coming and nothing has changed, and if that's not true, she should let you know that the next time you talk to her, or sooner (if she's polite). It could indeed be that she was called away unexpectedly and that her silence has nothing to do with denying the plus-one.
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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2013, 07:36:46 PM »
You could call her and tell her the time, but personally I think she is rude.  She invited herself to a family only wedding then seems angry you aren't letting her bring a date, which you have a perfectly valid reason for.  I would almost bet money on the fact she will show..with a date.

snowdragon

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2013, 07:46:18 PM »
You could call her and tell her the time, but personally I think she is rude.  She invited herself to a family only wedding then seems angry you aren't letting her bring a date, which you have a perfectly valid reason for.  I would almost bet money on the fact she will show..with a date.

I hope she does not show with a date, but yeah, I think hideously rude for asking first for an invite for herself and then another for her plus one.

norrina

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2013, 08:03:35 PM »
You could call her and tell her the time, but personally I think she is rude.  She invited herself to a family only wedding then seems angry you aren't letting her bring a date, which you have a perfectly valid reason for.  I would almost bet money on the fact she will show..with a date.

I really, really, really hope this does not happen. I will be the "female dog" that turns them both away, and I will not appreciate being put in the role of bad guy on my wedding day.

I'm glad to see that the consensus is to just act as if she is still coming, alone, though. My preference was to just act like the conversation never happened, but I wasn't sure if that would be passive aggressive.



Lynn2000

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2013, 08:40:11 PM »
You could call her and tell her the time, but personally I think she is rude.  She invited herself to a family only wedding then seems angry you aren't letting her bring a date, which you have a perfectly valid reason for.  I would almost bet money on the fact she will show..with a date.

I really, really, really hope this does not happen. I will be the "female dog" that turns them both away, and I will not appreciate being put in the role of bad guy on my wedding day.

I'm glad to see that the consensus is to just act as if she is still coming, alone, though. My preference was to just act like the conversation never happened, but I wasn't sure if that would be passive aggressive.

I think it's not, "this conversation never happened," but more like, "the conversation happened, and nothing has changed." If you feel nervous about it now, you could try checking in with her again, something that assumes she's coming, like, "So, have you booked your room at Hotel?" or "What are you doing for dinner the night before?" Very casual, as you might ask anyone. And she what she says.

I think that technically, it is rude that she asked for an invitation in the first place, but I read it as being more a silly thing she said without thinking because she was so excited for you. I got the impression you're pretty close to her and it seems like you went to some trouble to find a way to include her, after initially declining--it's not like you "caved" and invited her only because she invited herself, right?

For the plus-one, I assume she doesn't have a partner you know about, right? Maybe she was worried that she wouldn't know anyone else there and wouldn't have anyone to talk to. You could try chatting with her just to chat, asking her how she's been, if there's anything new in her life... ::cough:: new SO ::cough:: It just seems like you're getting a negative vibe from her over this conversation, and that's too bad; it would be a shame for you to worry about it from now until the wedding, so maybe get in touch with her soon "just because" and take her temperature overall, you know? If she was her normal, happy self then you would probably stop worrying about it. :)
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LeveeWoman

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2013, 08:42:07 PM »
You could call her and tell her the time, but personally I think she is rude.  She invited herself to a family only wedding then seems angry you aren't letting her bring a date, which you have a perfectly valid reason for.  I would almost bet money on the fact she will show..with a date.

I really, really, really hope this does not happen. I will be the "female dog" that turns them both away, and I will not appreciate being put in the role of bad guy on my wedding day.

I'm glad to see that the consensus is to just act as if she is still coming, alone, though. My preference was to just act like the conversation never happened, but I wasn't sure if that would be passive aggressive.

Is there anyone in your family who can perform this duty for you? You don't need to be upset on your wedding day.

norrina

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #13 on: July 30, 2013, 09:35:33 PM »
You could call her and tell her the time, but personally I think she is rude.  She invited herself to a family only wedding then seems angry you aren't letting her bring a date, which you have a perfectly valid reason for.  I would almost bet money on the fact she will show..with a date.

I really, really, really hope this does not happen. I will be the "female dog" that turns them both away, and I will not appreciate being put in the role of bad guy on my wedding day.

I'm glad to see that the consensus is to just act as if she is still coming, alone, though. My preference was to just act like the conversation never happened, but I wasn't sure if that would be passive aggressive.

I think it's not, "this conversation never happened," but more like, "the conversation happened, and nothing has changed." If you feel nervous about it now, you could try checking in with her again, something that assumes she's coming, like, "So, have you booked your room at Hotel?" or "What are you doing for dinner the night before?" Very casual, as you might ask anyone. And she what she says.

I think that technically, it is rude that she asked for an invitation in the first place, but I read it as being more a silly thing she said without thinking because she was so excited for you. I got the impression you're pretty close to her and it seems like you went to some trouble to find a way to include her, after initially declining--it's not like you "caved" and invited her only because she invited herself, right?

For the plus-one, I assume she doesn't have a partner you know about, right? Maybe she was worried that she wouldn't know anyone else there and wouldn't have anyone to talk to. You could try chatting with her just to chat, asking her how she's been, if there's anything new in her life... ::cough:: new SO ::cough:: It just seems like you're getting a negative vibe from her over this conversation, and that's too bad; it would be a shame for you to worry about it from now until the wedding, so maybe get in touch with her soon "just because" and take her temperature overall, you know? If she was her normal, happy self then you would probably stop worrying about it. :)

Julie is local, so it isn't a question of her intention of being in town, only of coming to the wedding.

If Julie is in a relationship, it's something that has happened in the last couple months. And short of an engagement or cohabiting, I would not agree to a family member bringing a plus-one either. Our guest list is under 20 people, the only people invited that aren't related to DF or me by blood are my SIL (so, related by marriage), and Julie.

I did think about Julie not knowing anyone, and momentarily wavered on the plus-one because of it. Except, (a) I made it clear from the beginning that this was family-only, and she doesn't know any of our other friends that we would have invited to a bigger wedding anyhow, so if not knowing anyone was going to be a problem, she ought to have declined, and (b) DF's only family is his divorced parents, so they're not going to know anyone (except us, and each other, but they aren't exactly pals) either, and neither of them asked to bring a plus one.

I'm okay with Julie "asking" for an invitation for herself, because it was something said out of excitement. I truly don't think it was meant to be fishing, and we invited her because I had been wanting to anyhow, not because we felt guilted or pressured to do it. By the same token, I'm not going to be guilted or pressured into a plus one. If she does show up with a guest though, I think I will have to handle it myself. With the possible exception of my mother, there really isn't anyone in our family that I think is up to the confrontation.




Isometric

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2013, 09:37:08 PM »
Julie is being a little rude and selfish. I would never invite myself to a function, let alone a wedding! And then to ask to bring a date, when she knows it's family only! Very cheeky. I would check with her again if she's coming, maybe under the guise of checking dietary requirements, or if she needs directions etc.