Author Topic: What now? ("plus one" issue) (nonupdate post20, final post32, odd update post46)  (Read 15739 times)

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SoCalVal

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2013, 02:05:40 AM »
My thinking is if she's close enough to invite to such an intimate, family-only affair, she's close enough to be upfront with about her plus-one request (that she is clear she's not to bring anyone).  I'm on board with moving forward as if she will be attending, but I know I wouldn't want to be put in the possible position of being irritated by something preventable on my wedding day (I made sure those possible scenarios I could predict were circumvented).  I'd be inclined to come right out and ask her, "Are you still attending, even though you may not bring a guest?" (because it would a) confirm her attendance/non-attendance and b) make it clear she is not to bring a guest).



lowspark

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2013, 10:04:34 AM »
The more I think about this, the more I lean toward what SoCalVal beat me to saying.

She is a good enough friend that she is the only friend you are inviting to your family only wedding. So you should be able to pick up the phone and just confirm she's coming.

If it were me, I'd just call and say something like this:
"Friend, I'm finalizing all my plans for the wedding and I just wanted to confirm, after our conversation the other day, that you are coming, I'm sorry you can't bring a date, but I know that you are a good enough friend to understand that."

I just think that if either:
-- the friendship can't withstand a frank conversation...
or
-- this friend would actually bring a date after being told "no"...
or
-- this friend would be so petty as to not attend simply because she was not allowed to bring a date...
then I'm not sure that she's really a good enough friend to be invited in the first place.

I'm just imagining my friend, who if I were in your place, I would want to invite to a family only wedding. She's like family to me which is why it would make sense to invite her. And none of the three things I listed above apply. I could easily just pick up the phone and lay it on the line with her. She wouldn't bring a date after I'd said no and she would absolutely not miss my wedding for a petty thing like that.

Lynn2000

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2013, 10:15:39 AM »
POD to lowspark. Better to check with Julie again, even if you have to make up a reason, and set your mind at ease, than worry about her doing something rude all the way until your wedding day.
~Lynn2000

Magnet

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2013, 12:18:01 PM »
I had someone invite a plus one to my wedding.  I rolled with it.  One more person didn't make a big difference, and I actually enjoyed spending time with the unexpected plus one.

Obviously, everyone is different.  But this wedding sounds like its an outdoor early morning wedding.  At most, there is a brunch type meal afterwards.  If you can swing another guest, and Julie is important to you, I would let the plus one come.

BarensMom

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2013, 12:29:17 PM »
There are space limitations.  Julie's plus one would put the venue over the legal occupancy limit.

norrina

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue)
« Reply #20 on: August 07, 2013, 07:57:32 PM »
There are space limitations.  Julie's plus one would put the venue over the legal occupancy limit.

Sorry, somehow I didn't realize that there had been new posts in this thread that I hadn't read/responded to. But BarensMom correctly answered for me, that Julie's plus one would put us in breach of our contract with the rental agency, with potentially expensive and highly inconvenient consequences. Also, for us a plus one would make a big difference, regardless of occupancy limits, because of the nature of our wedding, immediate family (parents, grandparents, and siblings and their spouses and children) only, plus Julie. On the one hand, I can appreciate that it may be uncomfortable for Julie to be the only non-family-member there. On the other hand, it would be very uncomfortable for us to have a complete stranger at such a small (12 guests, including Julie), intimate affair.

As a non-update, I noticed that Julie was online a bit ago, so I sent her a brief message light heartedly saying that putting a potentially misplaced trust in the weatherman, we were proceeding with our plans for a sunrise ceremony, that everyone would meet at Location A at [dark-oh-thirty a.m.] for the nuptials, and that we hoped she could still make it. Julie read the message, but has not replied.

My pattern with Julie (and all of my friends) is radio silence for weeks or even months at a time, then catch back up like no time has passed, then fall out of contact for a period of time again. So the fact that we haven't chatted in the last 9 days since the conversation about the plus-one doesn't mean anything, but I suspect that the lack of response now may mean that we're not okay.



PastryGoddess

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #21 on: August 07, 2013, 08:59:57 PM »
There are space limitations.  Julie's plus one would put the venue over the legal occupancy limit.

Sorry, somehow I didn't realize that there had been new posts in this thread that I hadn't read/responded to. But BarensMom correctly answered for me, that Julie's plus one would put us in breach of our contract with the rental agency, with potentially expensive and highly inconvenient consequences. Also, for us a plus one would make a big difference, regardless of occupancy limits, because of the nature of our wedding, immediate family (parents, grandparents, and siblings and their spouses and children) only, plus Julie. On the one hand, I can appreciate that it may be uncomfortable for Julie to be the only non-family-member there. On the other hand, it would be very uncomfortable for us to have a complete stranger at such a small (12 guests, including Julie), intimate affair.

As a non-update, I noticed that Julie was online a bit ago, so I sent her a brief message light heartedly saying that putting a potentially misplaced trust in the weatherman, we were proceeding with our plans for a sunrise ceremony, that everyone would meet at Location A at [dark-oh-thirty a.m.] for the nuptials, and that we hoped she could still make it. Julie read the message, but has not replied.

My pattern with Julie (and all of my friends) is radio silence for weeks or even months at a time, then catch back up like no time has passed, then fall out of contact for a period of time again. So the fact that we haven't chatted in the last 9 days since the conversation about the plus-one doesn't mean anything, but I suspect that the lack of response now may mean that we're not okay.

Are YOU okay with that or do you feel like you need to make amends for this situation?

Lynn2000

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #22 on: August 07, 2013, 09:01:49 PM »
OP, since you are right at the legal occupancy limit, I think it would be alright to double-check with every guest that they will be there or not as you get closer to the date. Perhaps you could phrase it as a "headcount" like for chairs or space or catering or photo album favors--there's something off-putting about "we won't have enough room for anyone else," even if it's true, but perhaps you could give the impression of, "we want to make sure we have enough of X for everyone," with X being discrete units, one per person.

In other words, ask Julie a question that requires a clear answer--0, 1, or 2 (problem!)--to which a lie would be an obvious inconvenience for you (as well as being a lie).

Or discuss seating arrangements with her--"The second row will be Melvin, Matilda, you, Cindy, and Charlie. I think five chairs will fit really well in the space, and we can stagger the first and third rows so everyone can see." That's a little more indirect since you aren't asking her a question, but it clearly assumes she will be there and that she won't bring anyone else, so if either of those isn't true and she doesn't tell you, that would be bad on her part.
~Lynn2000

*inviteseller

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #23 on: August 07, 2013, 09:46:20 PM »
If she is not ok with being told no, then she is not a friend.  She asked to come to your wedding then invited a guest ..it is your wedding and you are the only one who says yes or no on the guest list.

norrina

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2013, 12:49:22 AM »
I hope that either I'm misreading Julie's silence and this ends up being a non-issue, or it blows over in time, but even if it turns out she is upset and stays upset, I don't particularly feel the need to "make amends". It is my and my DF's party, and we get to choose the guest list. I shouldn't have to apologize for or feel guilty about that.

Julie is the only guest that there is any question about regarding attendance, so there would be no need to "double-check" with anyone else. Among our family there has been frequent, open communication. 7 of our 12 guests are flying, and have forwarded their flight itineraries with passenger manifests, 2 of the 4 driving guests were in contact just last night, and while I haven't spoken to the remaining 2 drivers for about 2 weeks, we discussed their plans when last we talked and I am confident nothing changed.

Also, so long as we don't go over occupancy, the exact head count really doesn't matter. We're not having a seated ceremony, we're catering everything ourself and the number of servings are far from an exact science, and we have enough of everything that were putting in our favor bags that I'll just make one for Julie too in case she does make it.

I could push Julie for a definite response as to her intentions, but right now it just doesn't seem worth putting any more energy into worrying about, particularly if she doesn't seem to care to talk right now. In short, I'm letting go of the drama of will she show or won't she, because the answer has no bearing on last minute preparations, and right now I'm more concerned about last minute preparations. (It turns out that figuring out a shopping list for a full day of menus for 15 people is a lot more complicated than it sounds. And it sounds fairly complicated.) If Julie chooses not to come, I will miss her, but it is not going to devastate me, or ruin our special day. If Julie chooses to bring a plus-one after her request to do so being declined, I will be disappointed that our right to choose our guest list was disrespected, and I'm not going to let that ruin our special day either.



Eeep!

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #25 on: August 08, 2013, 01:01:48 AM »
If she is not OK with being told no, then she is not a friend.  She asked to come to your wedding then invited a guest ..it is your wedding and you are the only one who says yes or no on the guest list.

I kind of agree with this. I actually am pretty shocked that anyone would think that asking to bring a guest to a 12 person wedding is OK. Especially knowing they have been given a real privilege being the only non-family member. If she is actually upset about being told no then she is a LOT more self-involved than I would want a friend to be. (And in cutting her slack on the inviting herself as I could see someone saying that not realizing it was such a small event. Just out of excitement for a dear friend.)
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Eeep!

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #26 on: August 08, 2013, 01:02:54 AM »
Oh and I meant to say that I'm glad you have chosen not to stress about this! Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

norrina

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #27 on: August 08, 2013, 01:19:50 AM »
Thanks Eeep!

I will be surprised if our friendship suffers long-term over this, Julie has a big heart. Sometimes friendships just run their course though. Especially in friendships like mine, where there can be long periods of time between contact, it can be easy to just drift apart, even if you were once close. If there is any fallout over this, I suspect that that is how it will happen, just a natural drifting apart/fading away.



PastryGoddess

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #28 on: August 08, 2013, 01:20:04 AM »
Go Norrina!  That shiny spine is looking good

secretrebel

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Re: What now? ("plus one" issue) (non-update post20)
« Reply #29 on: August 08, 2013, 07:24:48 AM »
I'd send Julie one last email saying

"Julie, I hope you've received my emails about the wedding ceremony. Because it's so small I need to know exact numbers so if I don't hear back from you by X date I'll assume you won't be able to attend and won't expect you."