Author Topic: "But things are different now!"  (Read 6171 times)

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hannahmollysmom

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"But things are different now!"
« on: July 31, 2013, 02:20:38 AM »
A little over two years ago, my first grandchild (girl) was born. My friend offered to host the shower at her house, but I did all the work. (and had fun doing it!) I didn't want to go against etiquette, so when my friend offered her place, I took her up on it. It went fine.

My 2nd grandchild is due in November, and it's a boy! Yay, one of each!

My daughter has mentioned a 2nd shower, since it is a boy this time. I told her no go as you only get one. The shower is to set you up with items for a  baby. Just because it is a boy this time, you don't get another.

She told me, "Things are different now. You can have a shower for each."  I said no, one only. I did tell her if a friend wanted to throw one for her, I would attend as a guest only.

My thoughts are, swing and other items are girl colors, but the baby won't know. I've already started knitting boy things, and purchased some boy outfits.

Question is: Am I wrong to shut her down on her wishes?


nolechica

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2013, 05:37:12 AM »
Was she asking you to host/have her siblings host?  If not, then I wouldn't have said anything.  She may get a work/church/mom's group shower.

Sharnita

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2013, 07:21:54 AM »
No, you aren't wrong. She could have chosen gender neutral colors the first go round. Since she didn't, replacing anything should be on her.

shhh its me

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2013, 07:24:35 AM »
Was she asking you to host/have her siblings host?  If not, then I wouldn't have said anything.  She may get a work/church/mom's group shower.

Since OP said she would attend as a guest it seems she was being asked to host. 

To make you feel better OP everyone I know now having kids expect only one Shower. They also know they may still have a lunch at work with gifts for a second baby or their aunts & cousins may have cake a presents at someone house. These aren't showers the only guest is the MTB everyone else is a "host".  I think these type of events have happened even before we starting calling any do for a mom to be showers.

The one thing I think that has changed is with being more common for fathers to be involved in the showers , the showers aren't based on the mothers first child but either parents first child.

weeblewobble

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2013, 07:50:10 AM »
If someone else offers to throw her a shower, requiring no work from you, then yes, you are wrong to shut it down.  But having effectively thrown her a shower for the first go-round, no, you are not obligated to throw another one just because she's asking for it.

bopper

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2013, 10:18:56 AM »
"I will be happy to attend if someone throws a shower for you."

Sharnita

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2013, 10:20:25 AM »
I disagree that you can only give your opinion if uou are involved in throwing the party. Since it sounds as if some of your family or friends might be invited for a second time I think you have some skin in the game no matter what. Frankly, even going as a guest looks as if you give your stamp of approval.

I was just discussing this with a couple of young mothers - one in her late twenties and one in her early thirties. They both had stong distaste for second showets and the one in her twenties specocoed that it especially bugs her when people use the excuse that they opted for gender specific goods the last go round. So apparently, not everyone in the you.ger generation has embraced the changes your daughter is talking about.

There can and probably will be gifts without a shower - and I imagine they will come with warmer regards because there was no attempt to return to the well.

lowspark

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2013, 10:49:50 AM »
I think you can go as a guest if a friend of your daughter throws the shower. I agree that you don't need to throw the shower, nor do you need to give her a list of your friends to invite.

So you can say to her, "Of course I'll attend if someone throws you a shower! But I wouldn't feel comfortable hosting (overtly or covertly) or inviting any of my friends."

Thipu1

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2013, 10:51:49 AM »
As I understand the situation, the OP was simply declining to arrange and host a second shower.  There's  nothing wrong with that. 

Still,  it would look extremely odd if someone else decided to host a shower and the mother of the MTB declined to attend as a guest.

Whether she likes the idea of a second shower or not, she'll almost certainly have to attend. 

It's not an easy position to be in.


Sharnita

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2013, 11:01:22 AM »
Why does she have to attend? She's alreadry welcomed her DD to motherhood bu attending a shower before. She has gifts for thos baby, why on earth does she have to attend evry shower she is invited to? If there were 3 showers for first baby and 2 for second would she be obligated to aytend them all?

lowspark

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2013, 11:04:51 AM »
Obligated? I dunno. But I can tell you that when my kids have kids, I will definitely attend every shower/event/whatever that I'm invited to. They're my kids. If they want me there, I'll be there.

Hosting the shower, inviting my friends, etc, is a different story. But being there for them? Absolutely without question.

turnip

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2013, 11:08:40 AM »
Almost everyone I know had a shower per baby - inarguably things _are_ different now.

OP has no responsibility to host a party, of course - but I think getting into a disagreement about who is 'right' and 'wrong' on this issue is unlikely to be productive.

Sharnita

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2013, 11:15:51 AM »
Yeah, I can't see making sure you are there for a second shower. This comes off as greedy and sometimes the best way to "be there" for your kids, even when they are adults is to make it clear where your personal boundaries are. Coming to a party where DD is asking for baby swings and other things in boy colors two years after the party where she asked fpr them in girl colors doesn't sound supportive to me - it sounds enabling and indulgent. It also sounds dismissive of the gifts already given.

turnip

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2013, 11:20:49 AM »
Obligated? I dunno. But I can tell you that when my kids have kids, I will definitely attend every shower/event/whatever that I'm invited to. They're my kids. If they want me there, I'll be there.


I can't imagine a circumstance that would keep me away.   If she was doing something OTT ( demanding $200 gift cards in return for admittance ) then I'd skip it.   A second shower in and of itself for my beloved daughter and my soon-to-be-beloved future grandchild?  What a wonderful occasion!   I'd go with happy tears in my eyes.


Hmmmmm

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Re: "But things are different now!"
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2013, 11:27:23 AM »
I think the OP is fine in giving her opinion of second showers to her daughter who brought up the subject.

If her friends decide to host a second shower, her mom can decide whether to attend or not, just like all of the other guests who are invited to as a repeat guest.

I can also imagine my DD having a second low key shower that I don't attend. If the guests were made up of her 'mommy and me' group or a work friends shower or her book club get together.

And even if it was a large blow out like the first, I think a GM should have the right to stick to her social norms and not attend a second shower if it is something of which she doesn't approve.