Staying with a friend for the weekend, question on taking personal cell calls

[DavidH]

Objecting to a once a day, relatively short call is definitely unreasonable.  On the other extreme, if every time you are not being entertained, you pick up the phone, it would be annoying to most hosts.  In my mind, one, maybe twice a day is fine, more than that is too much.  I would include lengthy text conversations or multiple email in that too. 

If you think you were in the 1-2 calls per day category, I'd say to friend, I want to bring something up from last time.  You were upset when I made multiple phone calls, but I don't remember making more than one or two a day, how do we resolve this ahead of time so it doesn't come up again.  If she says that you made two each day and that was too much, you need to assert that the number seems reasonable to you. If she remembers it more as 10 a day, then you need to discuss with her why you have such a different memory about it. 

[AnnaJ]

Unless there's a health issue with mom I would also find it odd that someone in their thirties would need to check in during a four day trip - I could understand a quick "got here OK" or if the visitor remember something "drat, forgot to ask BF to feed the turtle".  Furious, no; put off a bit, yes.

[Ctgirl]

Thanks for all your input! I agree that there is really no clear cut answer as to right or wrong here because both sides have valid points. I only checked in once a day with both. I had no reason to check in with my mother, just to say hi and check on my cat who she was feeding while I was away. I could go these three upcoming days without speaking to her if need be. I think the morning and nightly quick check in may be doable for this trip. Ill have to just talk to all parties involved ahead of time and explain the situation.

[saffron]

I have to say - I'm with Shoo on this one. I cannot imagine staying with a friend for 4 days and having that friend object to a couple of phone calls per day. I just don't see what the problem is. According to your update -the calls are of reasonable length and occurring at appropriate times. That being said - I would feel resentment towards anyone who tried to dictate my actions in the way your friend is.

I don't really have any advice since I can't really wrap my head around the situation. I probably wouldn't be staying with her again if I were in your shoes. It really is weird.

[NyaChan]

I would frame the mom calls as needing to check in about the pet at least once a day.  For the guy friend, I'd probably just text, not call.  When I stay with friends for a shorter amount of time, I don't do personal calls that are just hey how are you doing, shooting the breeze sort of thing.  I'll do the ones where I need to let someone know I am ok, or have something time sensitive to discuss.  Otherwise, I figure I'm there to talk with the person I'm visiting. 

[TootsNYC]

It's really rude to take or make calls when your attention is supposed to be on someone else.

But it's not unreasonable to refuse to be in that state for 24 hours.

The secret is to announce a break. "I'm going to need 10 minutes here so I can touch base with my mom." or "I'm going to take 20 minutes for myself here," and then go somewhere else to check texts, etc.

The OTHER side of that is, you're on vacation, your mom can go without being in touch with you daily, etc. So casual "just to chat/touch base" calls really should be on hold. Seriously, do you need to check about the pet daily? Nobody's going to die if you don't call.

So keep it WAY down, well below a dull roar.

[aussie_chick]

I agree with other posters who have said friend sounds unreasonable. Especially after Op updated saying that she only checked in with mother and boyfriend once a day each.

POD to those who said discuss with your friend before you go. Let her know you'll be checking in with mother and boyfriend daily. Which i'm not sure is weird or out of the ordinary. I have friends come and stay with me and they call their husband/partner/boyfriend every day. Sometimes it's to remind them to feed the dog, ask about how kids are or maybe just to say goodnight to each other.  I don't consider it rude or unreasonable.

I do however consider it rude for visitors to sit with their phones next to them the entire time, constantly checking for messages or missed calls, looking up facebook on their phones when they are supposed to be engaging in conversation with me. I'm not saying the Op did that, i'm just saying that I would find that rude.

Talk about it beforehand and if there is any grief, don't stay there again! Maybe if you want to keep the friendship going, get yourself a hotel room and tell mother and boyfriend you'll call them each night when you get back to hotel, or in the morning before you go and meet friend.

4 days with anyone would make me need some me time!