BG: DD had a "shift in friendships" earlier this summer. About two months ago, she broke off from a group of girls she had been playing with (including Kayla of the "One Upper" thread) because she came to realize that 1) Kayla and one of the other girls, Jenna, were not very nice to her, and 2) that it wasn't worth spending time with girls who weren't nice to her, just because there were girls in the group who were nice to her. Kayla was pulling her usual one-upping rude tricks and Jenna took it to a new level with some serious exclusionary tactics. DD finally decided she was done and started playing with Jane, Mary and Anne, some nicer girls down the street who had also been rejected by Kayla and Jenna. And she's still playing with the nice girl next door. (Nancy)
Jenna and Kayla responded VERY BADLY to DD "escaping" from the group and there was a big confrontation where the girls yelled at DD. DD stood her ground, but it definitely showed her that she'd been right to break away. She hasn't played with Jenna or Kayla more than a month.
DD's birthday party is coming up in a few weeks. She's inviting Nancy, Jane, Mary, and Anne, plus some girls from school. I have told her she's free to invite who she wants, and its OK not to invite Jenna and Kayla, but that she and the other girls shouldn't talk about the party in front of Jenna and Kayla.
The other day, Jenna came up to DD while she was playing at Jane's and asked if she could come to DD's birthday party. (Not sure how she heard about it, but it wasn't from DD.) DD said, "No, I'm sorry. I've invited everybody my mom gave me permission to invite." Then when DD went to Nancy's house to deliver Nancy's invitation, Kayla's older brother was there, playing with Nancy's older brother. DD tried to be discreet about it, but Nancy was excited and told her mom, "This is the invitation to DD's birthday!"
Kayla's older brother said, "Hey, aren't you going to invite Kayla? Her feelings are hurt."
DD said, "No, I'm sorry. I've invited everybody my mom gave me permission to invite."
Now, I am 90 percent sure we are handling this correctly. It's unfortunate that Jenna heard about the party through the grapevine and that Kayla's brother was present when DD delivered the invitation, but DD did her best to be discreet and not talk about the party in front of uninvited people. I totally support her right not to invite people who treat her badly her to her party. It's not meant to be punitive, but maybe they'll learn that friendships are based on treating people well.
At the same time, I do feel bad about hurting the girls' feelings, even if they aren't very nice to DD. I don't like making kids feel bad.
So my questions are
1) Are we handling this correctly?
2) I'm sure this will come up again as we get closer to the party. Is there a better response for DD to give besides, "No, I'm sorry. I've invited everybody my mom gave me permission to invite."
3) So far, none of the parents have contacted me, but is there an appropriate response if they do?
PS I have warned DD that this could result in retaliation and will most likely result in DD not being invited to Jenna and Kayla's birthday parties. She's willing to risk it.