Etiquette School is in session! > "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way

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Mental Magpie:

--- Quote from: Sootikin on August 01, 2013, 05:40:58 PM ---
--- Quote from: Mental Magpie on August 01, 2013, 04:53:32 PM ---
--- Quote from: Sootikin on August 01, 2013, 04:30:25 PM ---

So what?  The OP wants her issues solved, I doubt she's sitting there trying to figure out how not to let BIL win at the same time. 

Who cares if BIL interprets that as a message that if he 'pushes hard enough, they'll just run away from it and never confront it', that may or may not be true in the future. 

I believe you are quite young, once you have some varied life experiences under your belt you'll understand why many of us are advocating moving - sometimes the easy way IS the best way and learning not to care what the other party thinks is very empowering.

--- End quote ---

It has nothing to do with letting BIL "win" and everything to do with setting the precedent for the future.  It is important how BIL interprets the message because that shows him how we his allowed to behave in future interactions regarding trying to get what he wants.  If she runs away from this unreasonable request, why won't she do the same in the future?  Thus BIL thinks he can get what he wants if he just pushes hard enough regardless of how unreasonable he may be.  It doesn't matter what BIL thinks about OP insofar as her denying him what he wants, but it does matter what he thinks about how she stands up to him.  If she doesn't, he will think he can walk all over her.  Why let this fester rather than nip it in the bud now?

Feel free to never make presumptions about my experiences and age again.  You'll save yourself the trouble of being incredibly insulting.




wolfie, the thing is, I don't think you would be making unreasonable requests regardless.  The problem is that BIL is making an unreasonable one.

--- End quote ---

Oh when you said '...Further, I wouldn't give up a house I liked simply because someone else wanted to be a jerk.  Again, that means he thinks he won and his behavior is OK.' I thought you meant it.

There is nothing insulting about recognising that someone does not have the years or experience that others do, I'm surprised that you find it so. By the way, I didn't presume your age, it's in your profile.

--- End quote ---

The OP figuring out a way to not let BIL win and him thinking he won are different things to me.  The first would mean she would have to think he would be winning; the second is that he would have to think he would be winning.  BIL thinks he won if he gets her out of his hair and gets to do what he wants when he wants.  That is about what I was talking, not about the OP having to make sure he doesn't "win".


You presumed that my age inhibits my experience.  That is insulting because you're presuming that any and everything I have gone through means I don't meet your standards of experience to know what I'm talking about.  You're in essence saying that I don't know any better because of my age and that makes my opinion inferior to yours because you're older and have more experience.  It's like patting me on the head and saying, "There, there, child.  Bless your heart."  I am adult, please treat me like one.

shhh its me:

--- Quote from: Mental Magpie on August 01, 2013, 04:53:32 PM ---
--- Quote from: Sootikin on August 01, 2013, 04:30:25 PM ---
--- Quote from: Mental Magpie on August 01, 2013, 03:51:23 PM ---
--- Quote from: audrey1962 on August 01, 2013, 03:46:46 PM ---
--- Quote from: Mental Magpie on August 01, 2013, 11:53:07 AM ---No one said that, it was on what I was basing why I thought moving wasn't a good response because they aren't cutting him out of their lives.  I think it sends the message that if he pushes hard enough, they'll just run away from it and never confront it and then he can get what he wants.  Obviously we disagree.

--- End quote ---

The bolded assumes he wants them to move out.

Based on the OP, I don't know if that's what he wants or not. Maybe he wants renovations that he doesn't have to do and a live in "caretaker" while only paying half the mortgage.

OP - I agree with Zilla. Move out (if possible). You don't need this stress in your life.

--- End quote ---

No, it doesn't, it assumes he gets what he wants regardless of what that is because they are unwilling to confront the problem and instead figuratively run away from it.

--- End quote ---

So what?  The OP wants her issues solved, I doubt she's sitting there trying to figure out how not to let BIL win at the same time. 

Who cares if BIL interprets that as a message that if he 'pushes hard enough, they'll just run away from it and never confront it', that may or may not be true in the future. 

I believe you are quite young, once you have some varied life experiences under your belt you'll understand why many of us are advocating moving - sometimes the easy way IS the best way and learning not to care what the other party thinks is very empowering.

--- End quote ---

It has nothing to do with letting BIL "win" and everything to do with setting the precedent for the future.  It is important how BIL interprets the message because that shows him how we his allowed to behave in future interactions regarding trying to get what he wants.  If she runs away from this unreasonable request, why won't she do the same in the future?  Thus BIL thinks he can get what he wants if he just pushes hard enough regardless of how unreasonable he may be.  It doesn't matter what BIL thinks about OP insofar as her denying him what he wants, but it does matter what he thinks about how she stands up to him.  If she doesn't, he will think he can walk all over her.  Why let this fester rather than nip it in the bud now?

Feel free to never make presumptions about my experiences and age again.  You'll save yourself the trouble of being incredibly insulting.




wolfie, the thing is, I don't think you would be making unreasonable requests regardless.  The problem is that BIL is making an unreasonable one.

--- End quote ---

MM if you haven't before watch/read the summary of "war of the roses".   Owing a home or business together is different then almost any other situation. "avoiding cohabiting with people you can't stand" is a really good rule to follow.  I'd say its almost like divorcing a person you have a child with; You wouldn't stay married to someone you can't stand because asking for a divorce would be seen as letting them win and they will be a pain at the child's next birthday.

BTW op's BIL may not think he is the unreasonable one.  How long does he have to deal with his SIL on ever vacation? he may be using more space but she's using more time. If it was never discussed everyone could have different ideas of what is reasonable.
This is why so many people suggest at least discussing ever possible detail before living together.

I went back and read OP previous posts.  It looks like the issues have been building but that OP also made some assumptions ie the master bedroom would be hers once completed.  I'm not saying op having the master bedroom wasn't reasonable but  BIL, SIL and FIL may not agree. It sounds like SIL and BIL are pretty hard to live with and that a lot of details we not worked out in advance and/or left way too vague.

Kiwichick:
[quote author=Mental Magpie link=topic=129274.msg2988665#msg2988665

The OP figuring out a way to not let BIL win and him thinking he won are different things to me.  The first would mean she would have to think he would be winning; the second is that he would have to think he would be winning.  BIL thinks he won if he gets her out of his hair and gets to do what he wants when he wants.  That is about what I was talking, not about the OP having to make sure he doesn't "win".


You presumed that my age inhibits my experience.  That is insulting because you're presuming that any and everything I have gone through means I don't meet your standards of experience to know what I'm talking about.  You're in essence saying that I don't know any better because of my age and that makes my opinion inferior to yours because you're older and have more experience.  It's like patting me on the head and saying, "There, there, child.  Bless your heart."  I am adult, please treat me like one.
[/quote]

No I didn't, please don't tell me what I'm thinking. It's a simple fact of life that the more years you have the more experiences you have.

cass2591:
Thread locked for the same reason it was locked in January.

Not to mention it will stop the stupid bickering about age and experience.

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