Author Topic: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way  (Read 9738 times)

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that_one_girl

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Background:
I live in a house in a resort area.  This house was bought with the intentions of using it as a vacation place and is deeded to the male members of my FIL's side of the family (that_one_hubby, FIL, BIL, etc). However, that_one_hubby and I were stationed overseas or in other states until 2 yrs ago, and most of the others rarely   visit the resort area, so BIL and his family are used to being the only family actually using the house. that_one_hubby and I moved out here after his term of service expired to live full-time.  We agreed to pay half the mortgage on the house, while BIL pays the other half.  About 3 monthes ago, that_one_hubby moved to a big city about 3 hrs away since there was a school he wanted to attend there, so currently it is me, that_one_dog, and that_one_puppy living in the "vacation" home.   Upon becoming full-time residents of the house, that_one_hubby and I invested a large amount of money in the house for renovations, etc.

Main issue:
BIL has been disrespectful of our space/property since we moved in.  I have told him multiple times that I find it offensive for him to comment on the organization, location of furniture, etc., in our bedroom.  I have made him well aware of the fact that that_one_hubby is the only person whose input I need on what goes on in our bedroom.   I have been diligent in keeping the common areas of the house (kitchen, family room, laundry room, game room, etc) clean, organized, and ready to be used by my in-laws. 

I received a text from BIL the other day stating that he needs me to have my bedroom 100% clean because he wants to have a big party for his son's birthday this weekend and that_one_hubby received a call from FIL stating that BIL will "probably" want to use my bathroom.    I responded to BIL via e-mail, stating that there is no reason for him, his family, or his guests to need to be in my room or to walk all the way through my room to use my bathroom.  (The house has one functional bathroom in the common hallway, one bathroom that is accessed through my bedroom, and one that is not currently functional because it is still being renovated.)  BIL responded telling me that I need to comply with his rules, and let them use my space.  In the past, I have allowed the use of my bathroom on a case by case basis (i.e. If I am sitting at the kitchen table and one of their guests comes in and notices that the common area bathroom is in use, I have directed said guest to use my bathroom).  This will probably not be possible this time, however, since I am having a major flare up of my chronic pain/fatigue this week, which I explained to BIL.  I would also be wary of letting children in my room, since I recently started taking some prescription medications which could be dangerous if taken by a child.  This whole situation is kind of amusing to me, because that_one_hubby and I have attended outdoor parties at BIL's home where he has rented portajohns and expressly forbidden anyone from going into his home to use the facilities.  I have recommended that BIL rent a portajohn this time or restrict the number of guests he invites to a number that can be reasonably accommodated by the one functional bathroom in the common areas.

I also explained to BIL that I understand he is used to having the run of the whole place, since his family used it the most in the past.  However, that situation changed when that_one_hubby and I became full-time residents in the house.  It's ironic because this whole entitled attitude of BIL's is something that I would be appropriate (or at least not completely offensive) in almost any other situation.
 
I am so desperately trying to have a polite spine here, but it is so difficult!!!  I am greatly offended that BIL thinks he can just demand access to my sleeping quarters.  Could I say something else to be more effective yet remain polite?

Bethalize

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2013, 06:54:38 AM »
Put a lock on your door. That will solve the problem faster than any conversation. BIL is a bully IMO.

And remember, if you do talk, don't JADE!

Iris

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2013, 07:18:47 AM »
Put a lock on your door. That will solve the problem faster than any conversation. BIL is a bully IMO.

And remember, if you do talk, don't JADE!

Podding the lock idea. He can rant and rave all he wants, but without a key, he won't be getting in.

As to discussing it with him, don't justify things. Stay calm and simply keep repeating "that won't be possible"
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Diane AKA Traska

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2013, 07:19:09 AM »
"This is my bedroom.  Where I sleep, seek sanctuary, and keep my most private belongings.  I absolutely will NOT allow people I don't know access."
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BeagleMommy

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2013, 08:14:33 AM »
"BIL you have two choices.  Either your party guests ALL use the common bathroom or you rent portajohns.  My bedroom is off limits and it is NOT up for discussion."

Don't mention your meds (in fact, I would be sure to keep them on my person if BIL is having a party) or any other "reason".  He will find reasons why they won't work.

Failing that, POD to putting a lock on your bedroom door.  I would also mention to your DH about how unreasonable BIL has become.

Moonie

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2013, 09:14:32 AM »
Another vote here for the lock on the door. Then if he keeps insisting after you've said "That isn't possible", remember "NO" is a complete sentence.

Ms_Cellany

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2013, 10:13:33 AM »
This sounds like a case where "that won't be possible" might not work, because it is physically possible.  I think "My bedroom is off-limits" is your key phrase here.
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camlan

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2013, 10:26:48 AM »
BIL can insist, but that doesn't mean you have to give in.

There used to be a very, very pushy person in my life. I'd let them talk at me, state my answer once, and walk away. If they kept at me, and they did, I'd listen, then walk away. They would get hugely upset, and get other people to get upset with me as well. It takes a lot of strength to deal with these people. But I have since found out that several other people admired me for being able to stand up to them.

No one can make you do something. What happens is you give into them because you are tired of dealing with them.

If you give in now, you will be giving in again and again and again.

Get a lock for your bedroom. As you say, there is no reason for BIL to know anything about what is in your bedroom. This is the simplest and easiest way to deal with this demand from him.

Remind BIL that he is the one who is choosing to have a big party in a house with one functioning, available bathroom. He either deals with that, changes the party location, or rents portapotties. His choice.

As long as you are saying "No" politely, I don't see why you need to say anything else. Just say no. If BIL wants to argue, let him. You don't have to respond to him.

However, I would not do anything else to hinder or hamper the party. If you would normally clean the public rooms before BIL shows up, clean them. If you would normally make extra ice, or lay in a supply of soda, etc., do that. Do everything as you would if he wasn't making this demand, so that no one can later say that you did anything to affect the party. Other than maintaining your privacy in your own bedroom, of course.

The goal is to show that you are reasonable about BIL and his family using the house. You understand that it is a shared house and BIL and his family are allowed to use it. You just have one small space they aren't allowed into.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Zilla

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2013, 10:33:01 AM »
If he is that aggressive and that insistent, why not just move out and go somewhere you don't have to deal with him?  And what does your dh say about it?  Can't he tell his own brother or brother in law to back off and leave you alone? 

cwm

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #9 on: August 01, 2013, 10:44:21 AM »
PODding the lock. And if that's not feasible right now, do what I've done at my parents' house in the past. If there's something beside the door, a piece of furniture or something, pull it about an inch or so from the wall. Wedge a big stick between that and the wall, and cross it across the door. Of course, that only works if you're going to spend the entire time inside your room, but it's always an option.

Don't JADE. Don't give any specific reasons. It's YOUR space. He needs to respect that.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #10 on: August 01, 2013, 10:50:31 AM »
Another vote for installing a lock on the door.  A deadbolt would be best - key to open from the outside, able to lock from the inside.

But failing that, get a hasp that you can put a combination lock through on the outside and then use a chair under the door knob when you are in the room.  Or put another hasp on the inside and just loop the lock through to hold it, without locking the lock so you can get out in a hurry if you need to.
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Ontario

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #11 on: August 01, 2013, 10:55:36 AM »
If he is that aggressive and that insistent, why not just move out and go somewhere you don't have to deal with him?  And what does your dh say about it?  Can't he tell his own brother or brother in law to back off and leave you alone?

I don't think anyone should have to move out of their home simply because someone else decides to be a pushy boar.  In fact, I think that's actually a really bad idea.  That gives BIL the idea that he can control other people if he keeps being pushy.  OP needs to stand up for herself and not give in.

OP, if a lock isn't possible, keep saying no, but don't say anything else!  "No."  "I said, 'no'."  "No."  "No."  "No." ad nauseum!
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Zilla

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #12 on: August 01, 2013, 11:11:48 AM »
If he is that aggressive and that insistent, why not just move out and go somewhere you don't have to deal with him?  And what does your dh say about it?  Can't he tell his own brother or brother in law to back off and leave you alone?

I don't think anyone should have to move out of their home simply because someone else decides to be a pushy boar.  In fact, I think that's actually a really bad idea.  That gives BIL the idea that he can control other people if he keeps being pushy.  OP needs to stand up for herself and not give in.

OP, if a lock isn't possible, keep saying no, but don't say anything else!  "No."  "I said, 'no'."  "No."  "No."  "No." ad nauseum!


If the house belonged to them solely then of course not.  But the home belongs to all the males in the spouse's family.  With them paying half of the mortgage and the bil refuses to stop harrassing them etc, then I would very well move out and sell my part of the home to him or anyone else.  Life is too short to deal with bullies.

Mental Magpie

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #13 on: August 01, 2013, 11:14:11 AM »
If he is that aggressive and that insistent, why not just move out and go somewhere you don't have to deal with him?  And what does your dh say about it?  Can't he tell his own brother or brother in law to back off and leave you alone?

I don't think anyone should have to move out of their home simply because someone else decides to be a pushy boar.  In fact, I think that's actually a really bad idea.  That gives BIL the idea that he can control other people if he keeps being pushy.  OP needs to stand up for herself and not give in.

OP, if a lock isn't possible, keep saying no, but don't say anything else!  "No."  "I said, 'no'."  "No."  "No."  "No." ad nauseum!


If the house belonged to them solely then of course not.  But the home belongs to all the males in the spouse's family.  With them paying half of the mortgage, if the bil refuses to stop harrassing them etc, then I would very well move out and sell my part of the home to him or anyone else.  Life is too short to deal with bullies.

I think that's the easy way out and that doing this will allow BIL to continue to think this behavior will get him what he wants with OP and that it is the best approach in the future to get what he wants.  I think life is too short to not stand up to bullies instead of sweeping them under the rug.  I wouldn't go through all of that hassle just for him to think he won and that his behavior was acceptable.  Further, I wouldn't give up a house I liked simply because someone else wanted to be a jerk.  Again, that means he thinks he won and his behavior is OK.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Zilla

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2013, 11:24:14 AM »
If he is that aggressive and that insistent, why not just move out and go somewhere you don't have to deal with him?  And what does your dh say about it?  Can't he tell his own brother or brother in law to back off and leave you alone?

I don't think anyone should have to move out of their home simply because someone else decides to be a pushy boar.  In fact, I think that's actually a really bad idea.  That gives BIL the idea that he can control other people if he keeps being pushy.  OP needs to stand up for herself and not give in.

OP, if a lock isn't possible, keep saying no, but don't say anything else!  "No."  "I said, 'no'."  "No."  "No."  "No." ad nauseum!


If the house belonged to them solely then of course not.  But the home belongs to all the males in the spouse's family.  With them paying half of the mortgage, if the bil refuses to stop harrassing them etc, then I would very well move out and sell my part of the home to him or anyone else.  Life is too short to deal with bullies.

I think that's the easy way out and that doing this will allow BIL to continue to think this behavior will get him what he wants with OP and that it is the best approach in the future to get what he wants.  I think life is too short to not stand up to bullies instead of sweeping them under the rug.  I wouldn't go through all of that hassle just for him to think he won and that his behavior was acceptable.  Further, I wouldn't give up a house I liked simply because someone else wanted to be a jerk.  Again, that means he thinks he won and his behavior is OK.


Interesting way of looking at it.  To me it isn't sweeping it under the rug.  It's letting them have the headache of paying for both the mortgage and upkeep of the place and the OP having her own place where she can do as she pleases.  Plus why play at their game?  When you walk away leaving them holding the bag, they are frustrated as they don't get to bully anymore.  But then again I am not a confrontational and aggressive person, I much prefer peace and serenity.


Right now she is having to deal with bil and his family constantly and not having the run of her own home.  She can put a lock on it but it still creates a hostile atmosphere and not to mention having to expect a visit from him and his family any time.  Plus she is dealing with a chronic condition as mentioned in her OP.  To me it isn't worth the headache and stress.  It might be to her though as it is her life but I am merely presenting an option to her.