Author Topic: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way  (Read 7391 times)

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Mental Magpie

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #15 on: August 01, 2013, 11:31:11 AM »
I understand you're presenting an option, I just don't think it's a good one and wanted to say why so that the OP could consider it from another perspective. 

I see it as sweeping it under the rug because this is not the last time they will see BIL.  It's not like moving away will completely cut him out of their lives.  If this was a neighbor she'd never have to see again, I might agree with you.  However, he will have opportunity in the future to behave like this again, and he probably will because he will see how it worked in the past.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Zilla

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #16 on: August 01, 2013, 11:35:29 AM »
I understand you're presenting an option, I just don't think it's a good one and wanted to say why so that the OP could consider it from another perspective. 

I see it as sweeping it under the rug because this is not the last time they will see BIL.  It's not like moving away will completely cut him out of their lives.  If this was a neighbor she'd never have to see again, I might agree with you.  However, he will have opportunity in the future to behave like this again, and he probably will because he will see how it worked in the past.


Who said it's cutting him out of their lives.  It will however cut him out of their daily living and their own personal living space.  It will send a message to the BIL that they will not play his games or engage in his bullying.  I prefer the quiet but firm way of dealing with angst/bullying.

Mental Magpie

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2013, 11:53:07 AM »
I understand you're presenting an option, I just don't think it's a good one and wanted to say why so that the OP could consider it from another perspective. 

I see it as sweeping it under the rug because this is not the last time they will see BIL.  It's not like moving away will completely cut him out of their lives.  If this was a neighbor she'd never have to see again, I might agree with you.  However, he will have opportunity in the future to behave like this again, and he probably will because he will see how it worked in the past.


Who said it's cutting him out of their lives.  It will however cut him out of their daily living and their own personal living space.  It will send a message to the BIL that they will not play his games or engage in his bullying.  I prefer the quiet but firm way of dealing with angst/bullying.

No one said that, it was on what I was basing why I thought moving wasn't a good response because they aren't cutting him out of their lives.  I think it sends the message that if he pushes hard enough, they'll just run away from it and never confront it and then he can get what he wants.  Obviously we disagree.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

SlitherHiss

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2013, 12:12:29 PM »
OP, has your husband ever told his brother to back off and stop harassing you guys? I would be horrified to find that one of my siblings was trying to bully my spouse like this!

If you're going to stay, get a lock on your door ASAP, but to be honest, I'm not sure the constant harrassment and headaches are worth it. As Zilla suggested, you may well want to reconsider your living arrangements if this is the kind of nonsense you're having to battle on a regular basis. That's not giving up, giving in, or giving BIL the cut direct; it would be giving yourself a peaceful place to call home.

ETA: Sometimes not being surrounded by stress is a much better outcome than "winning".
« Last Edit: August 01, 2013, 12:18:15 PM by SlitherHiss »

Outdoor Girl

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2013, 12:17:37 PM »
If you are considering moving out, I wouldn't move out until AFTER BIL has bought you out of your share of the house.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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SlitherHiss

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2013, 12:18:28 PM »
If you are considering moving out, I wouldn't move out until AFTER BIL has bought you out of your share of the house.

This.

lakey

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2013, 12:31:26 PM »
"I don't think anyone should have to move out of their home simply because someone else decides to be a pushy boar."

That is true, but the reality is that, too often, joint ownership of a home by people who aren't married to each other is a bad idea. There are too many issues that cause problems, who pays for repairs, who spends the most time, having guests, privacy, payment for and use of food and items in the common areas, children, pets, how to get their share of the money out of it if one party no longer likes the arrangement, or has to move to another area. I just think you're better off having your own place, even if it isn't as nice.

The OP's husband is paying half the mortgage, but what are his legal rights to the money he is investing in this place?

BarensMom

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #22 on: August 01, 2013, 12:48:04 PM »
OP, put a nice big deadbolt on your bedroom door.  If BIL, squawks, tell him, "DH and I pay for half of this house.  I'm being VERY generous in allowing you to use more than half for your party.  But this is MY bedroom and if you even try to break the lock on this door or invade my privacy, I'm calling the police."  Then do it.

wheeitsme

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #23 on: August 01, 2013, 12:54:55 PM »
In regards to the OP moving out, I'm guessing they can't/won't for various reasons.

Getting another house in the same resort area is too expensive/ The OP just invested a lot of money in renovations to the house they are currently living in/ The BIL can't afford to buy them out.

So how to deal with the situation right now, as it is...?

I think there are various options.

"BIL, you want access to all of the space whenever you want?  Then you can pay for all of the mortgage."

"BIL, you only share ownership. The line between you making the rules for the house and us making the rules for the house lies across the doorway to this bedroom."

I do have a question as to where the OP will be during this party.  If the OP is in the house it should be fairly easy to enforce the "No access to this area" for the bedroom.  If the OP is isn't there, is the BIL taking responsibility for EVERYTHING in the OP's room and bathroom during this event?  Does BIL understand that if anything something happens to anything in those areas he is personally responsible clean/replace/deal with it asap? (And I'd get that in writing!)

"BIL, if I find that you have allowed guests into that area then if anything is broken, you are responsible for it and will replace it. If anything goes missing, you are responsible for it and will replace it. If anything gets dirty, you are responsible for it and will clean it. And if anyone goes through any of my personal belongings I will hold you personally responsible for the violation.  When I get home I expect to find that area exactly the same as I left it. I am holding you personal responsible.  Not your guests. You."

And if he tries the "Well it's my house, too" bit, you can point out that that is why you are making him personally responsible.  And if he isn't willing to take on that responsibility, you will.  And then put a lock on the door.

shhh its me

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2013, 01:12:16 PM »
I think the situation is a little convoluted......You live there , are renovating BIL is paying for it 1/2 the mortgage not clear for how long but looks like at least 2 years, FIL likely  paid something and there seems to be at least one other person on the deed possibly several who may or may not have contributed anything financially. 

 It depends somewhat on the agreement you made when you moved in , which seems to be "we'll pay half you'll pay half, we will live here , you will vacation here and sometimes other might vacation here." How much was actually stated vs being assumed? It seems like common sense but I don't think it was a given that the permanent residences would used the bedroom with the en suite. 

Bil has a few  points in his favor.........
 He is paying 1/2 the mortgage for a home with 3 bathrooms wanting access to 2 bathrooms for a party in and of its self isn't completely nuts.  Was it completely your choice to renovate the 2nd bathroom and how long has it been out of commission? I could understand if I agreed to a relative turning the family vacation home into a residence, with the conditions it would still be available as a vacation home expecting them to share the en suite bathroom while a renovation was going on 2nd bath. Especially if the renovation was their idea and cosmetic/upgrading a functioning bathroom and was taking months/over a year.
There is some precedence that you will allow access to the bathroom.

In the realm of possible but not clarified....
If your ILS knew you planned on ever asserting exclusive use of the en suite bath that the basic agreement would have been for you to use a different bedroom.   IF this was never discussed I can see all parties making assumptions

Has the original term of permanent residency been exceed either by time or conditions, have these terms even been discussed?

Is the agreement mutually beneficial or is one party being done a favor?

If  anything like  "of course during the renovations  when needed everyone can use the en suite bath" was ever stated I think you have to let them use it for the party.  I think if you(by choice. This doesn't apply if the toilet and sink didn't function) started the renovation after knowing there would be a party in the home or the bathroom renovation has been going on for significantly longer then promised you should let them use the bathroom.

edited to add

What hasn't been discussed should be discussed. 
Also from experience family can get a little weird about a spouse making investment/improvements into that family property. 24 months of mortgage payments and a huge amount for renovation may be a pittance in compared to the value of the home or it may have been that OP and her husband  investment saved the home from being commended.   BIL's control issue may steam from feeling like OP is an interloper and trying to gain ownership/more then a fair share of ownership. 
« Last Edit: August 01, 2013, 01:27:31 PM by Merry Mrs Martin »

doodlemor

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #25 on: August 01, 2013, 03:36:54 PM »
I am having a major flare up of my chronic pain/fatigue this week

I bet that the stress of BIL's behavior is contributing to this.

For the impending issue I agree with those who say to get a lock.  In the long term I POD those who say that your whole family may benefit if either your DH or BIL buys the other out.  Why deal with difficult people for long periods of time?

As far as selling the house goes, your husband probably has a lot of clout if his name is on the deed.  If things become too impossible you might want to contact an attorney and find out exactly what your rights are.







MrTango

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2013, 03:45:56 PM »
My suggestion would be: "No.  You and your guests may not enter my bedroom for any reason.  You and your guests may not use my bathroom.  If you attempt to do so against my will, I will call the police.  You wouldn't want them to show up and embarass you in front of all your guests, would you?"

audrey1962

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2013, 03:46:46 PM »
No one said that, it was on what I was basing why I thought moving wasn't a good response because they aren't cutting him out of their lives.  I think it sends the message that if he pushes hard enough, they'll just run away from it and never confront it and then he can get what he wants.  Obviously we disagree.

The bolded assumes he wants them to move out.

Based on the OP, I don't know if that's what he wants or not. Maybe he wants renovations that he doesn't have to do and a live in "caretaker" while only paying half the mortgage.

OP - I agree with Zilla. Move out (if possible). You don't need this stress in your life.

Mental Magpie

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #28 on: August 01, 2013, 03:51:23 PM »
No one said that, it was on what I was basing why I thought moving wasn't a good response because they aren't cutting him out of their lives.  I think it sends the message that if he pushes hard enough, they'll just run away from it and never confront it and then he can get what he wants.  Obviously we disagree.

The bolded assumes he wants them to move out.

Based on the OP, I don't know if that's what he wants or not. Maybe he wants renovations that he doesn't have to do and a live in "caretaker" while only paying half the mortgage.

OP - I agree with Zilla. Move out (if possible). You don't need this stress in your life.

No, it doesn't, it assumes he gets what he wants regardless of what that is because they are unwilling to confront the problem and instead figuratively run away from it.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

audrey1962

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Re: When "That won't be possible" is met with insistence on their way
« Reply #29 on: August 01, 2013, 03:53:10 PM »
No one said that, it was on what I was basing why I thought moving wasn't a good response because they aren't cutting him out of their lives.  I think it sends the message that if he pushes hard enough, they'll just run away from it and never confront it and then he can get what he wants.  Obviously we disagree.

The bolded assumes he wants them to move out.

Based on the OP, I don't know if that's what he wants or not. Maybe he wants renovations that he doesn't have to do and a live in "caretaker" while only paying half the mortgage.

OP - I agree with Zilla. Move out (if possible). You don't need this stress in your life.

No, it doesn't, it assumes he gets what he wants regardless of what that is because they are unwilling to confront the problem and instead figuratively run away from it.

I respectfully disagree.