Author Topic: Rude not to check voice mail?  (Read 15754 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #105 on: August 05, 2013, 09:40:57 PM »
The "basic rule" I was referring to has nothing to do with parent/child status.

It's a basic rule of etiquette. When someone calls you, you return the call in a somewhat timely manner.

It's really not about parent/child. If it were two friends, I've had the same reactions.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #106 on: August 05, 2013, 10:12:42 PM »
The "basic rule" I was referring to has nothing to do with parent/child status.

It's a basic rule of etiquette. When someone calls you, you return the call in a somewhat timely manner.

It's really not about parent/child. If it were two friends, I've had the same reactions.

What is a timely manner for one person is not for another.  You're also ignoring the fact that not everyone agrees on the best way to communicate, which obviously the OP and her mom do not.

I know my best friend is really bad about returning texts, so I choose to not take it as a personal insult when she doesn't text me back...even if it's never.  I know she read it, I know she understood what I said, and that has to be enough for me if I want to continue the relationship as it is.
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katycoo

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #107 on: August 05, 2013, 10:18:33 PM »
I think if you offer VM then its not unreasonable for people to use it.

You can always chance your message to say "Hi, you've reached OP.  I don't check this message bank very often so if your message is important or time sensitive, please send me a text message or call again soon so ensure I receive your communication in a timely manner."

PastryGoddess

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #108 on: August 05, 2013, 10:44:35 PM »


True, but OP has said that SOP for both of them is for her mother to call more than once if it is an emergency/urgent.  This is something that both of them are comfortable with and it has worked for them in the past.  Otherwise it's their usual calling to check in every 1-2 weeks.

If either of them want to change SOP then they need to talk about it like adults and come to a reasonable compromise.  One person can't change how they do things without telling the other and then get mad about it.

Well, perhaps it doesn't work well for the mom. We only have the OP's reaction here.

And I think that a hypothetical mom might say, "listen, the basic rule is, you listen to the voicemail and return the call in a timely manner. I'm done abiding by this other set of rules, and I'm going back to the default. And I reserve the right to be upset/offended/annoyed/judge my child as wrong when they continue to treat me disrespectfully by not even listening to the message I left them."


I think it's important to note that in this particular instance the OP was going through a very busy time in her life.  Due to previous knowledge of her mother's habits she felt it was ok to take a bit longer in responding to her mother's call.  Especially since nothing indicated that there was anything urgent or out of the ordinary with the call.

Should she have responded in a timely matter, sure.  Would she have responded in a timely matter, maybe. However, due to mitigating circumstances she didn't. 


As I said to Sharnita, I don't disagree with you. However, I am more focused on the circumstances that led up to problem and you are more focused on how to prevent it from happening again.  I think both issues are important.

Visiting Crazy Town

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #109 on: August 06, 2013, 03:46:39 PM »
 I think too many of you  are trying to give the OP a pass on her behavior, What it ultimately comes down too is that  she knew a person had contacted her and she knew it was important enough for them to leave her a message and She decided that, she couldn't be bothered to call them back, text  , email , or whatever to see the reason for their call. While you can argue about her preferred method of communication, when it comes down to it  she does have phone calls/voicemails as one of her options and it doesn't make a person rude to use it.  I do how ever think that if you allow a person to leave you voicemails, but you don't bother to answer them or listen to them, it does make you  the rude person in this situation and I also think that expecting a person to have to call you  multiple times if it is important, before you  can bother to respond to them puts you  in SS territory.
« Last Edit: August 06, 2013, 03:54:36 PM by Visiting Crazy Town »

Goosey

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #110 on: August 06, 2013, 03:49:31 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

Yvaine

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #111 on: August 06, 2013, 03:59:32 PM »
I think too many of you  are trying to give the OP a pass on her behavior, What it ultimately comes down too is that  she knew a person had contacted her and she knew it was important enough for them to leave her a message and She decided that, she couldn't be bothered to call them back, text  , email , or whatever to see the reason for their call. While you can argue about her preferred method of communication, when it comes down to it  she does have phone calls/voicemails as one of her options and it doesn't make a person rude to use it.  I do how ever think that if you allow a person to leave you voicemails, but you don't bother to answer them or listen to them, it does make you  the rude person in this situation and I also think that expecting a person to have to call you  multiple times if it is important, before you  can bother to respond to them puts you  in SS territory.

Agree. I think some commenters are inadvertently bringing in their own personal histories with their own moms (I think we do this subconsciously on a lot of threads, really) and proxy-fighting their own battles through this post, when it doesn't sound like the OP's specific mom is toxic or making a power play.

miranova

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #112 on: August 07, 2013, 11:54:00 AM »
and I also think that expecting a person to have to call you  multiple times if it is important, before you  can bother to respond to them puts you  in SS territory.

Yep.

Thuringwethyl

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #113 on: August 07, 2013, 01:11:39 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

Visiting Crazy Town

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #114 on: August 07, 2013, 01:15:22 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

 I don't think that you  should have to talk to a person about not having to call them multiple times if something is important.  It comes about with a person's behavior, she noticed that  she would call her daughter and her daughter would bother to answer of call back , so if something came up she started to call constantly because she needed to reach her. Of course the OP doesn't have a problem with it she doesn't do any of the work.

Goosey

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #115 on: August 07, 2013, 01:37:32 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

But what if the OP's mother didn't see this as the "status quo", but a rude imposition she was forced to play along with if she wanted a call back from her daughter? Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster, but I think if she refuses to play along and the OP misses a few family things because of it, the message would hopefully be heard.

miranova

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #116 on: August 07, 2013, 01:43:48 PM »
Calling once and leaving all of the info needed is not something that needs to be discussed ahead of time or explained.  It's normal and reasonable behavior.  Sitting down and telling someone that you will no longer be trying extra hard to reach them just makes the whole thing more dramatic than necessary. 

Yvaine

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #117 on: August 07, 2013, 01:45:29 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

But what if the OP's mother didn't see this as the "status quo", but a rude imposition she was forced to play along with if she wanted a call back from her daughter? Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster, but I think if she refuses to play along and the OP misses a few family things because of it, the message would hopefully be heard.

In fact, I think that's the recommendation Mom would get if she posted here for advice.

miranova

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #118 on: August 07, 2013, 01:45:51 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster,

Not in my opinion.  I think starting the behavior of only calling once is a lot more effective and less dramatic.

miranova

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #119 on: August 07, 2013, 01:46:59 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

But what if the OP's mother didn't see this as the "status quo", but a rude imposition she was forced to play along with if she wanted a call back from her daughter? Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster, but I think if she refuses to play along and the OP misses a few family things because of it, the message would hopefully be heard.

In fact, I think that's the recommendation Mom would get if she posted here for advice.

You think we would tell the mother that she needs to tell her daughter to call her back more quickly?  I wouldn't.  I'd tell her to just leave one message and no matter how hard it is, wait for a call back without calling again.