Author Topic: Rude not to check voice mail?  (Read 15146 times)

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Yvaine

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #120 on: August 07, 2013, 01:50:58 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

But what if the OP's mother didn't see this as the "status quo", but a rude imposition she was forced to play along with if she wanted a call back from her daughter? Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster, but I think if she refuses to play along and the OP misses a few family things because of it, the message would hopefully be heard.

In fact, I think that's the recommendation Mom would get if she posted here for advice.

You think we would tell the mother that she needs to tell her daughter to call her back more quickly?  I wouldn't.  I'd tell her to just leave one message and no matter how hard it is, wait for a call back without calling again.

No, I was referring to the bolded. I think she would be advised to not play along, and that if her daughter missed events because of it, "bed/made/lie."

miranova

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #121 on: August 07, 2013, 01:56:41 PM »
Ah sorry I misunderstood.  I agree with you then. 

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #122 on: August 07, 2013, 02:56:34 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

But what if the OP's mother didn't see this as the "status quo", but a rude imposition she was forced to play along with if she wanted a call back from her daughter? Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster, but I think if she refuses to play along and the OP misses a few family things because of it, the message would hopefully be heard.

In fact, I think that's the recommendation Mom would get if she posted here for advice.

You think we would tell the mother that she needs to tell her daughter to call her back more quickly?  I wouldn't.  I'd tell her to just leave one message and no matter how hard it is, wait for a call back without calling again.

No, I was referring to the bolded. I think she would be advised to not play along, and that if her daughter missed events because of it, "bed/made/lie."

Taking the attitude of "bed/made/lie" to me implies letting the natural consequences occur and not getting further involved. So, letting the OP miss the event, and hoping the disappointment of missing it will inspire her to change her behavior to avoid missing future events. The problem here is that the OP wasn't the one who was upset about her missing the event!

Once the mother started acting peeved about the OP missing the event, it was IMO no longer a case of "bed/made/lie" (or rather it's a case of "bed/made/lie" for the mother, not the OP). Changing one's own behavior in hopes that the consequences will motivate someone else to adjust their behavior is fine. However, changing one's established pattern of behavior without warning and expecting the other person to immediately adjust to the new behavior that they don't yet know about is insane. The mother chose a course of action that she knew risked having the message not get through in time and then got annoyed because...the message didn't get through in time. Yes, she can be annoyed all she likes and yes, she has the right to try changing her communication habits without discussing it, but if having the OP at the event mattered to her, then she very predictably set herself up for failure. And IMO, doing this and acting annoyed afterwards is continuing to set herself up for failure. Expressing disappointment that the OP couldn't be there might motivate a change in behavior; expressing annoyance is more likely to make the recipient defensive and dig their heels in more.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #123 on: August 07, 2013, 05:03:01 PM »
I pod Onyx_TKD 100%.

My advice to the mom if she posted here would be to change her communication style to match her daughter's, talk to her daughter about a compromise, or accept that her daughter may miss things because their communication styles don't match.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Cami

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #124 on: August 07, 2013, 05:53:16 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

But what if the OP's mother didn't see this as the "status quo", but a rude imposition she was forced to play along with if she wanted a call back from her daughter? Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster, but I think if she refuses to play along and the OP misses a few family things because of it, the message would hopefully be heard.

In fact, I think that's the recommendation Mom would get if she posted here for advice.

You think we would tell the mother that she needs to tell her daughter to call her back more quickly?  I wouldn't.  I'd tell her to just leave one message and no matter how hard it is, wait for a call back without calling again.

No, I was referring to the bolded. I think she would be advised to not play along, and that if her daughter missed events because of it, "bed/made/lie."

Taking the attitude of "bed/made/lie" to me implies letting the natural consequences occur and not getting further involved. So, letting the OP miss the event, and hoping the disappointment of missing it will inspire her to change her behavior to avoid missing future events. The problem here is that the OP wasn't the one who was upset about her missing the event!


I agree. The OP doesn't care that she missed the event. So the mother should stop wasting her time inviting her to such events. And, apparently, leaving VM messages. She should just wait for the OP to contact her in the future when she can find the time. 

PastryGoddess

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #125 on: August 07, 2013, 06:06:35 PM »
I pod Onyx_TKD 100%.

My advice to the mom if she posted here would be to change her communication style to match her daughter's, talk to her daughter about a compromise, or accept that her daughter may miss things because their communication styles don't match.

ITA with both of you

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #126 on: August 07, 2013, 07:22:19 PM »
I think it is fine for someone to communicate their displeasure with their treatment (ignoring a message) to their friends and family.


miranova

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #127 on: August 07, 2013, 07:33:18 PM »
I think it is fine for someone to communicate their displeasure with their treatment (ignoring a message) to their friends and family.

I agree with this as well.  I don't think it's required before you just stop trying as much, but it's certainly ok to tell someone close to you that you wish they would return calls. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #128 on: August 07, 2013, 07:36:41 PM »
Or that you're upset they missed the event you invited them to because they didn't check your message.

We are allowed to say to our friends and relatives, "I'm not happy about this." We don't have to just stupidly and blithely accept wha tthey do without registering an objection. They're supposed to be self-actualized enough that if they truly believe they were right, they can say to themselves, "Oh, well--she'll get over it." And to us, "I'm sorry you're upset, but I believe I did the right thing."

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #129 on: August 07, 2013, 07:46:43 PM »
Or that you're upset they missed the event you invited them to because they didn't check your message.

We are allowed to say to our friends and relatives, "I'm not happy about this." We don't have to just stupidly and blithely accept wha tthey do without registering an objection. They're supposed to be self-actualized enough that if they truly believe they were right, they can say to themselves, "Oh, well--she'll get over it." And to us, "I'm sorry you're upset, but I believe I did the right thing."

From my reading, the OP's mother has never come out and actually said she's unhappy. She acted "peeved" as reported in the initial post and sounded "frosty" when the OP specifically called to apologize. If you (general) are unhappy with the communication dynamic between you and another person and your attempt to change that dynamic without discussing it fails/backfires and you still refuse to come out and actually talk about what's bothering you...then, well, you're shooting yourself in the foot. You may have the "right" to be annoyed, but annoyance in itself isn't going to fix anything. And the more you sulk instead of having a reasonable discussion, the less likely it is that the other party will be interested in staying in touch (meaning even less motivation for them to change anything to accommodate you).

TootsNYC

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #130 on: August 07, 2013, 08:29:21 PM »
True, dat.

(as my 15yo would say)

Please pass the Calgon

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #131 on: August 07, 2013, 08:36:18 PM »
I don't know if your phone carrier offers this option, but if a message is left on my home phone our AT&T Uverse service transcribes it somehow and we can view it with an app on our cell phones. LOVE this feature! I'm definitely more of a text/email person but some of my relatives aren't.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #132 on: August 07, 2013, 08:53:44 PM »
Or that you're upset they missed the event you invited them to because they didn't check your message.

We are allowed to say to our friends and relatives, "I'm not happy about this." We don't have to just stupidly and blithely accept wha tthey do without registering an objection. They're supposed to be self-actualized enough that if they truly believe they were right, they can say to themselves, "Oh, well--she'll get over it." And to us, "I'm sorry you're upset, but I believe I did the right thing."

From my reading, the OP's mother has never come out and actually said she's unhappy. She acted "peeved" as reported in the initial post and sounded "frosty" when the OP specifically called to apologize. If you (general) are unhappy with the communication dynamic between you and another person and your attempt to change that dynamic without discussing it fails/backfires and you still refuse to come out and actually talk about what's bothering you...then, well, you're shooting yourself in the foot. You may have the "right" to be annoyed, but annoyance in itself isn't going to fix anything. And the more you sulk instead of having a reasonable discussion, the less likely it is that the other party will be interested in staying in touch (meaning even less motivation for them to change anything to accommodate you).

Indeed

Thuringwethyl

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #133 on: August 08, 2013, 12:04:55 PM »
Did the mother's habits form because they worked for everybody or did they form because that was the only way to get a call back from her daughter.

We know this method "works" for LadyL. After all, she has all the power in the situation. What I'm doubting is that this works for her mother, who is making all of the effort.

I do hope that the OP is more conscientious about returning her mother's calls in the future.

If the OP's mother wants to change the status quo it is up to her to tell the OP that; I don't see anywhere that the mother has informed the OP that the current method of communication isn't working out for her. Different families have different communication styles and people can't be expected to psychically know that other people are unhappy, especially if the unhappy people don't speak up!

But what if the OP's mother didn't see this as the "status quo", but a rude imposition she was forced to play along with if she wanted a call back from her daughter? Granted, saying "I don't want to have to call you multiple times to get a call back from you." would get results a lot faster, but I think if she refuses to play along and the OP misses a few family things because of it, the message would hopefully be heard.

In fact, I think that's the recommendation Mom would get if she posted here for advice.

You think we would tell the mother that she needs to tell her daughter to call her back more quickly?  I wouldn't.  I'd tell her to just leave one message and no matter how hard it is, wait for a call back without calling again.

No, I was referring to the bolded. I think she would be advised to not play along, and that if her daughter missed events because of it, "bed/made/lie."

Taking the attitude of "bed/made/lie" to me implies letting the natural consequences occur and not getting further involved. So, letting the OP miss the event, and hoping the disappointment of missing it will inspire her to change her behavior to avoid missing future events. The problem here is that the OP wasn't the one who was upset about her missing the event!

Once the mother started acting peeved about the OP missing the event, it was IMO no longer a case of "bed/made/lie" (or rather it's a case of "bed/made/lie" for the mother, not the OP). Changing one's own behavior in hopes that the consequences will motivate someone else to adjust their behavior is fine. However, changing one's established pattern of behavior without warning and expecting the other person to immediately adjust to the new behavior that they don't yet know about is insane. The mother chose a course of action that she knew risked having the message not get through in time and then got annoyed because...the message didn't get through in time. Yes, she can be annoyed all she likes and yes, she has the right to try changing her communication habits without discussing it, but if having the OP at the event mattered to her, then she very predictably set herself up for failure. And IMO, doing this and acting annoyed afterwards is continuing to set herself up for failure. Expressing disappointment that the OP couldn't be there might motivate a change in behavior; expressing annoyance is more likely to make the recipient defensive and dig their heels in more.

This is a much better version of what I was trying to say.

LadyL

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #134 on: August 08, 2013, 05:31:55 PM »
Or that you're upset they missed the event you invited them to because they didn't check your message.

We are allowed to say to our friends and relatives, "I'm not happy about this." We don't have to just stupidly and blithely accept wha tthey do without registering an objection. They're supposed to be self-actualized enough that if they truly believe they were right, they can say to themselves, "Oh, well--she'll get over it." And to us, "I'm sorry you're upset, but I believe I did the right thing."

From my reading, the OP's mother has never come out and actually said she's unhappy. She acted "peeved" as reported in the initial post and sounded "frosty" when the OP specifically called to apologize.

If my mother had said something like "I was disappointed you missed the dinner because you didn't check your voicemail. Can you try to do so more promptly in the future?" I would not have been offended and would probably have said yes. In the past she has requested things like me providing my schedule to her so she can call at a good time (between classes and teaching at night my schedule can be hard to follow), as well as making an effort to call her myself if I don't hear from her in the usual time frame. We haven't discussed checking messages though I have told her numerous times that text or email are the more efficient way to get a response from me.

I have no problem with negotiating better solutions but honestly I am just taking my best guess that the missed dinner was the reason for the frostiness. She never came out and said it, and the response to my apology was basically "ok" with no further comment.