Author Topic: Rude not to check voice mail?  (Read 12446 times)

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Goosey

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #90 on: August 02, 2013, 11:20:28 AM »
I wanted to add that if you didn't feel you had the time to call her, another option would be to shoot her a quick text "Hey, mom - super busy all day today. Saw you called! What's up?" That way, you can shift it to your prefered method of communication, your mom gets a call back, and hopefully you would get the info you  need.

That's a great strategy, but only works if Mom has a texting plan and knows how to use it.
Or a quick email, if that works better.

If the mom doesn't have text OR email, all is lost!!

But, I assume the mom has text since the OP says she expect to be contacted that way, not by phone.

mbbored

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #91 on: August 02, 2013, 11:26:57 AM »
Instead of arguing with her about it, what's wrong with just saying something like:

Sorry I didn't call you back sooner, and I missed the dinner, mom. I had this crazy conference last week and didn't really feel well to boot, so when I WAS home, I wasn't really up to returning calls/talking on the phone.

I'm just not really understanding the big production here.... it was a crappy week, under 'normal' circumstances, your original post says you'd have called her back in a few days. Your update says a week, but whatever. It was what it was.... it's not like the mother was being passive by leaving a message, and LadyL wasn't being passive by not calling back right away.

I agree. You both clearly have your preferred methods of communication. You can't change the way your mother communicates and you don't seem motivated to change the way you communicate. Therefore, you should work on accepting that maybe sometimes you'll miss out on something because you don't check your voicemail or maybe your mother will come to the conclusion, on her own, that voicemails just aren't the best way to reach you.

And for the record, I hate checking my voicemail. However, I know that means that sometimes I miss out on something fun. That's a consequence that so far I'm willing to live with.

Thuringwethyl

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #92 on: August 02, 2013, 12:48:24 PM »
Instead of arguing with her about it, what's wrong with just saying something like:

Sorry I didn't call you back sooner, and I missed the dinner, mom. I had this crazy conference last week and didn't really feel well to boot, so when I WAS home, I wasn't really up to returning calls/talking on the phone.

I'm just not really understanding the big production here.... it was a crappy week, under 'normal' circumstances, your original post says you'd have called her back in a few days. Your update says a week, but whatever. It was what it was.... it's not like the mother was being passive by leaving a message, and LadyL wasn't being passive by not calling back right away.

I agree with this as well.

miranova

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #93 on: August 05, 2013, 01:11:45 PM »
With the whole "she will usually call multiple times if it's important and she didn't" thing.

Here's the thing, your mother did the EXACT thing we would have told her to do if she were posting here.  If she was posting here she would say "When I call my daughter she will not return my call for about a week.  This means that if I really need to reach her, I have to call multiple times before she will realize it's important and respond.  I don't want to call multiple times just to get a call back, I feel like one message asking her to call me back should be sufficient, what do I do?  If I don't call her multiple times, she will miss important messages and events with family". 

I'm pretty sure all of us would say, you have no obligation to call multiple times.  Leave one message, with all of the information on it.  Calling back multiple times only reinforces the idea that it's your job to chase her down, and it isn't.  If she misses family events because she won't listen to voicemails, that is on her, not you.

In other words, I think it's completely unfair to say "but my mom changed our dance!  She's supposed to call me multiple times if it's important!"  Maybe she is tired of that game.  Maybe you could just listen to her first voicemail instead of expecting her to keep taking her time to call you multiple times.  That's really not her responsibility.  Her responsibility ends when she gives you the information, which she did. 

Everyone misses or forgets a message sometimes.  But that's not even remotely what is happening here.  The OP is actually expecting her mother to call multiple times to communicate the relative urgency of her message.  That's not really a fair expectation for her to have.

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #94 on: August 05, 2013, 02:18:49 PM »
With the whole "she will usually call multiple times if it's important and she didn't" thing.

Here's the thing, your mother did the EXACT thing we would have told her to do if she were posting here.  If she was posting here she would say "When I call my daughter she will not return my call for about a week.  This means that if I really need to reach her, I have to call multiple times before she will realize it's important and respond.  I don't want to call multiple times just to get a call back, I feel like one message asking her to call me back should be sufficient, what do I do?  If I don't call her multiple times, she will miss important messages and events with family". 

I'm pretty sure all of us would say, you have no obligation to call multiple times.  Leave one message, with all of the information on it.  Calling back multiple times only reinforces the idea that it's your job to chase her down, and it isn't.  If she misses family events because she won't listen to voicemails, that is on her, not you.

In other words, I think it's completely unfair to say "but my mom changed our dance!  She's supposed to call me multiple times if it's important!"  Maybe she is tired of that game.  Maybe you could just listen to her first voicemail instead of expecting her to keep taking her time to call you multiple times.  That's really not her responsibility.  Her responsibility ends when she gives you the information, which she did. 

Everyone misses or forgets a message sometimes.  But that's not even remotely what is happening here.  The OP is actually expecting her mother to call multiple times to communicate the relative urgency of her message.  That's not really a fair expectation for her to have.

I disagree. I think the OP's mother would be told that she has various options, but none of them will magically make her daughter communicate in exactly the way she wants. If it's important to her that the OP gets the information promptly, then she has several options that would work: call multiple times or contact the OP through text/email. If she wants to change the pattern of how they communicate, she also has options: leave a single message and accept that the OP might not listen in time and miss the event, talk to the OP about other ways of communicating, etc. However, she has to choose what her priority is because she can only change her own behavior, not the OP's.

I didn't see any indication that the OP is upset about having missed the event. The OP said her mother sounded "peeved" that she missed the event. The mother certainly has the right to stop at one voice mail message and let the OP miss it, but then she needs to accept the consequences of changing their established pattern.

Goosey

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #95 on: August 05, 2013, 02:20:41 PM »
It's a pattern that's wholey in favor of the OP and I think that's where the problem comes in. Her mom is expected to make all the effort and maybe she was peeved about her missing the event because of this.

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #96 on: August 05, 2013, 02:47:30 PM »
It's a pattern that's wholey in favor of the OP and I think that's where the problem comes in. Her mom is expected to make all the effort and maybe she was peeved about her missing the event because of this.

Again, I disagree. The mother has chosen to use the method of communication she prefers--talking on the phone. The OP prefers text or email because she "hate(s) talking on the phone." Despite this, she talks on the phone with her mother every couple of weeks because it's the only form of communication her mother is willing to use. That is not wholly in favor of the OP. It is already a compromise.

Also, the mother has chosen to establish a pattern of using voicemail for "Hi. Call me back" messages, and calling multiple times for urgent messages. From the standpoint of someone who dislikes voicemail to begin with, it's "crying wolf." She established a pattern that messages left with no additional calls are routine and not time sensitive, so the recipient assumed that the next message fitting that pattern was also routine and not time sensitive. If she wants to change the pattern and get the message to the OP, then she could have gotten in touch and discussed how to change their communication before doing so. That would allow her and the OP to work out a new pattern that would work for both of them. For example, perhaps if she stops leaving messages just to ask for a call back, then the OP will be willing to listen to the much fewer voicemails more promptly.

Goosey

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #97 on: August 05, 2013, 02:50:41 PM »
The mother did not dictate that the OP had to call her back.

As I said before, the OP could have texted or emailed back.

But the OP was dictating if she expected a response, her mother had to fall in line with HER desires or put forth more effort to get her attention.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #98 on: August 05, 2013, 05:05:03 PM »
The mother did not dictate that the OP had to call her back.

As I said before, the OP could have texted or emailed back.

But the OP was dictating if she expected a response, her mother had to fall in line with HER desires or put forth more effort to get her attention.

Only if she doesn't want to be peeved about her daughter missing things.  If she can accept that, then she has only to call once and leave a message.


Also, everything Onyx_TKD said.
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Library Dragon

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #99 on: August 05, 2013, 08:24:20 PM »
By having voice mail setup to leave messages and no statement that it may be several days before a response, the onus is on the OP to check and respond appropriately to the messages in a timely manner.

An emergency does not always allow for repeated calls.  There are many reasons for this.  Hospitals often have no cell phone areas.  There may be many other calls to make instead of calling one person back repeatedly.

In June while I was at a national convention I had a missed called and VM from an aunt.  I HATE to talk on the phone and it is primarily used for emails, texts, and other messaging methods. 

I was very busy with several appointments during the convention and could have ignored it.  Hey, if it was important she'll call back.  Instead I took the 30 seconds to listen to the call and heard that my grandmother had just died.  Would I really want that as a text message?  No.  My aunt was also busy calling everyone else in the family letting them know.  Should she have to call me several times because "Hey, Library Dragon doesn't like to talk on the phone and needs to know this is urgent"?  No.  She was dealing with the loss of her mother and didn't have to pander to my preferences.

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PastryGoddess

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #100 on: August 05, 2013, 08:47:13 PM »
By having voice mail setup to leave messages and no statement that it may be several days before a response, the onus is on the OP to check and respond appropriately to the messages in a timely manner.

An emergency does not always allow for repeated calls.  There are many reasons for this.  Hospitals often have no cell phone areas.  There may be many other calls to make instead of calling one person back repeatedly.

In June while I was at a national convention I had a missed called and VM from an aunt.  I HATE to talk on the phone and it is primarily used for emails, texts, and other messaging methods. 

I was very busy with several appointments during the convention and could have ignored it.  Hey, if it was important she'll call back.  Instead I took the 30 seconds to listen to the call and heard that my grandmother had just died.  Would I really want that as a text message?  No.  My aunt was also busy calling everyone else in the family letting them know.  Should she have to call me several times because "Hey, Library Dragon doesn't like to talk on the phone and needs to know this is urgent"?  No.  She was dealing with the loss of her mother and didn't have to pander to my preferences.

True, but OP has said that SOP for both of them is for her mother to call more than once if it is an emergency/urgent.  This is something that both of them are comfortable with and it has worked for them in the past.  Otherwise it's their usual calling to check in every 1-2 weeks.

If either of them want to change SOP then they need to talk about it like adults and come to a reasonable compromise.  One person can't change how they do things without telling the other and then get mad about it.
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Sharnita

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #101 on: August 05, 2013, 08:55:38 PM »
I think this is a good time to reconsider SOP.  Just because it has managed to work so far doesn't make it a great idea.  Let's say I have just found out from the doctor I have a serious illness.  Dealing with that reality is bad enough.  Calling to tell my child is worse.  Having to repeatedly cal until she decides it must be serious enough to take my call or listen to my voicemail?  DOes that really sound like a reasonable plan?  And if I am physically sick or in pain? What about if I am grieving the death if another family member, is that an additional ordeal I should have to go through?  Because somebody doesn't want to spend a max of 5 minutes listening to voicemail the day she gets it?

PastryGoddess

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #102 on: August 05, 2013, 09:12:37 PM »
I think this is a good time to reconsider SOP.  Just because it has managed to work so far doesn't make it a great idea.  Let's say I have just found out from the doctor I have a serious illness.  Dealing with that reality is bad enough.  Calling to tell my child is worse.  Having to repeatedly cal until she decides it must be serious enough to take my call or listen to my voicemail?  DOes that really sound like a reasonable plan?  And if I am physically sick or in pain? What about if I am grieving the death if another family member, is that an additional ordeal I should have to go through?  Because somebody doesn't want to spend a max of 5 minutes listening to voicemail the day she gets it?

I don't disagree, but I do think that blasting the OP over something that up until recently has worked for her and her mom isn't fair.  Changes can't be made unless both of them are on board and right now I don't see where either one of them wants to change.  OP maybe you can weigh in
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TootsNYC

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #103 on: August 05, 2013, 09:24:58 PM »


True, but OP has said that SOP for both of them is for her mother to call more than once if it is an emergency/urgent.  This is something that both of them are comfortable with and it has worked for them in the past.  Otherwise it's their usual calling to check in every 1-2 weeks.

If either of them want to change SOP then they need to talk about it like adults and come to a reasonable compromise.  One person can't change how they do things without telling the other and then get mad about it.

Well, perhaps it doesn't work well for the mom. We only have the OP's reaction here.

And I think that a hypothetical mom might say, "listen, the basic rule is, you listen to the voicemail and return the call in a timely manner. I'm done abiding by this other set of rules, and I'm going back to the default. And I reserve the right to be upset/offended/annoyed/judge my child as wrong when they continue to treat me disrespectfully by not even listening to the message I left them."


Mental Magpie

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #104 on: August 05, 2013, 09:33:08 PM »


True, but OP has said that SOP for both of them is for her mother to call more than once if it is an emergency/urgent.  This is something that both of them are comfortable with and it has worked for them in the past.  Otherwise it's their usual calling to check in every 1-2 weeks.

If either of them want to change SOP then they need to talk about it like adults and come to a reasonable compromise.  One person can't change how they do things without telling the other and then get mad about it.

Well, perhaps it doesn't work well for the mom. We only have the OP's reaction here.

And I think that a hypothetical mom might say, "listen, the basic rule is, you listen to the voicemail and return the call in a timely manner. I'm done abiding by this other set of rules, and I'm going back to the default. And I reserve the right to be upset/offended/annoyed/judge my child as wrong when they continue to treat me disrespectfully by not even listening to the message I left them."

This is an adult.  The mother has lost the "My child will do as I say because she is my child" card.  It's like trying to convince my mom that my behavior is no longer a comment to her parenting.  I'm an adult, I get to make my own decisions about how I behave.

I think if my mom said that to/about me, I would say, "The basic rule is you will respect the boundaries I set as an adult.  I'm done abiding but what you demand of me because you refuse to respect me as a separate entity.  I am no longer a teenager, you do not get to dictate how I behave.  I reserve the right to push you away because you refuse to respect my wishes and you continue to treat me disrespectfully by not even considering my preferences.  You are not in control of me and you need to accept that."
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