Rude not to check voice mail?

[Lynn2000]

You had a busy week, you didn't get around to checking the voicemail, it happens. Maybe you could say something like, "Sorry I didn't check my messages sooner, it was a crazy week! Next time, if the message is time-sensitive, feel free to call a second time. Even if you don't leave another message I'll see that you called and make it a point to check the previous message you left. Or, feel free to contact me another way--text, email, etc.." And then I would just go along my merry way. Maybe send Uncle a card or something wishing him happy birthday, since I missed the dinner.

I think if you (general) are bummed that you missed something, the onus is on you to check all messages, even ones from a non-preferred method. But if on the whole you feel like you can live with missing some messages, then you can check them on your own schedule, or not; but I do think it would be fair to at least warn people this is how you're operating. If you have a voicemail account, that in itself reasonably suggests you're going to check it; so if you aren't, indicating this in the automatic message would be fair (or otherwise informing the people who would leave you voicemails). And if there's a method of communication you (again, all general) really don't like, and don't want to check, and don't want to think about, in the long run I think it would be best to just refuse to have that service, and/or make sure people know you don't check/use it, 100%. I think it's the ambiguity of "I have it but I don't like it" that complicates things.

[Visiting Crazy Town]

 I do actual think that  it is rude to not check your voicemail if you  are giving people the option to leave you  a message.  I also think that  its rude and entitled to think that  even though they  left you  a message that  you  can see . If it is important that they should have to continue to call you  back because you  don;t want to be bothered to check your voicemail. If you  don;t want voicemails either disable it or fill it up so they can't leave you  a message.

[Hmmmmm]

You  knew your mom had called and left you  a  message and you  chose not to listen to it or even to call her back  until after you listened to it almost a week later.  I would say that  you  were at more fault than your mom.  You're saying that  after she called and left a message that  you  ignored that  she should have tried to call you again, instead of you  caller her to respond to the first call she made.

This. And I say this as a person who hates picking up and listening to VM's. I'm starting to drive my sisters a little nuts because they call and leave a VM but I'll see they called and know that usually their messages are 'hey it's me, nothing urgent just calling to chat'. But occasionally it is "hey, need to talk today as we are needing xx by tomorrow" but I don't check the message till tomorrow when I could tell there was a VM from someone about work.

But I am acknowledging that since I have VM available for people to use to contact me, it is rude to not check and listen to the messages on a daily basis at a minimum. Either figure out a way to get rid of the feature or at least put a greating on it stating "I only check voicemail weekly. If urgent need please contact me in another manner."

[Mental Magpie]

If someone wants me to do something urgently, it is their responsibility to let me know it is urgent.  I am not a mind reader, I will not know it is urgent unless I am told.  If they do not differentiate between urgent messages and non-urgent messages, I will not know if it is urgent or not.  It is not my responsibility to figure out what you want from me; it is your responsibility to tell me.

I think OPs mom is playing a passive game of, "I'm setting you up to fail so I can be mad at you!" whether deliberately or not.

[Sharnita]

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

[TootsNYC]

You said this:

I didn't check the message till this week, assuming it was a typical "hi it's mom call me" message.

If you saw that she had left a message, I think you should have listened to it. If I realized that my kid was ignoring the substance of a message I'd left for them, and making assumptions about what I said, I'd be a bit peeved. Basically, that's ignoring me. I don't buy that you truly didn't have time to play it once you saw it. So yes, I think that's rude.

I'm sure I'm influenced by the fact that I don't reach out to my college-age kid "just to talk." If I try to reach her, there's something specific behind it ("do you want to be there when we pick out the new cat, or can we act without you?" / "Your tuition payment is ready for you to authorize to the college").

And I either need an answer, or I need an acknowledgment.

Were I your mother, if I said, "call me back," it would be because I had something specific to say to you. (Of course, I would never just say "call me back"; I'd say, "There's a party for your uncle on Saturday--call me to get the details"--I never leave a message about calling me back that doesn't *also* have info in it.

Maybe your mom calls just 'cause she wants to chat, and so maybe a majority of her voicemails aren't about anything specific and are literally, "it's your mom, call me back." But I do think it's bad form to *see* her voicemails and not *listen* to them. I also think it's rude not to return people's phone calls, especially if they person has said "call me back"--that's an old etiquette rule, from the time in which every letter was supposed to be answered by a letter (unless you wanted to sever or damage or dial down the relationship).

In my situation, I might leave a message to my DD with info she needs, and maybe I don't need to have that acknowledged, but if so I usually say that. And I think that when the message is, "your tuition is ready for you to pay it," she should say, "got it."

I'm wondering if it possibly came across to your mother that messages from her are not very important to you (and, thus, by extension, she is not very important to you).

Me, too. And I would say that you need to never, ever, ever say to her "Oh, I saw your message, but I assumed it wasn't anything important so I didn't listen to it." You've said it to us, which is really like not saying it to anybody (because posting stuff on EHell is sort of like talking to yourself--we're ultraprivate). So maybe you didn't say it to her. But don't ever do so! And from a Character point of view, I don't think it's a valid excuse. This is someone you want to be in touch with--put forth that small bit of effort.

I'll admit that my personal experience is saying that I think people should provide a way to be in touch that *works*. If you don't want people to contact you via voicemail, turn it off. Or, if that's not possible, do as mentioned above and change your voicemail message to say, "I don't listen to these messages; please text or email."

Or sign up for Google Voice, and give your mom that number--then you can set it to convert voicemail messages to texts and send them to you. They'll be mostly gobbledegook, but you'll get enough of the message to realize mostly what it's about.

[TootsNYC]

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

Next time, if the message is time-sensitive, feel free to call a second time. Even if you don't leave another message I'll see that you called and make it a point to check the previous message you left.

That would make me really mad if someone said it to me. You saw I called twice? Then you should have listened to the first one.

If you're going to look at the voicemail enough to even know THAT I called, then I expect you to listen to the message. The first time you spot that I've called. Otherwise you are flat-out telling me, "I deliberately ignore your communications." "Oh, yeah, I saw you called but I didn't care enough to listen to what it was you really said." Yeah, rude.

[Mental Magpie]

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to).  If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go.  She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go.  If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again.  If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening.  Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail.  They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

[TootsNYC]

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to).  If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go. She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go.  If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again.  If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening.  Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail.  They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

See, I don't agree with the bolded, especially the underlined part.

Sure, from a *practical* point of view, that would have been the only thing that would have gotten her what she wanted--confirmation that the message had gotten through.

But I don't think that Etiquette truly requires that of her before she's "allowed" to be upset about it.

She left a message. The message was *seen* but its substance was ignored.

[Zilla]

My mother is basically the only person closely involved in my life who still relies on voicemail as a form of communication.

You are in a battle of wills with your mother.  You prefer other methods, she prefers voicemail. (and didn't we just see another thread similar to this?)  You can do one of two things. When you see your mother on the caller id and she left a VM then make an effort to listen to it.  Or you can ignore it and when she complains, tell her yet again that you don't always check your VM and if it's important to text or email.


But I do think both of you are at fault here and need to come to a consensus on how to communicate with each other where you probably have to compromise.

[jaxsue]

My mother is basically the only person closely involved in my life who still relies on voicemail as a form of communication.

You are in a battle of wills with your mother. You prefer other methods, she prefers voicemail. (and didn't we just see another thread similar to this?)  You can do one of two things. When you see your mother on the caller id and she left a VM then make an effort to listen to it.  Or you can ignore it and when she complains, tell her yet again that you don't always check your VM and if it's important to text or email.


But I do think both of you are at fault here and need to come to a consensus on how to communicate with each other where you probably have to compromise.

Per the bolded: I agree.

[Mental Magpie]

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to).  If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go. She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go.  If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again.  If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening.  Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail.  They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

See, I don't agree with the bolded, especially the underlined part.

Sure, from a *practical* point of view, that would have been the only thing that would have gotten her what she wanted--confirmation that the message had gotten through.

But I don't think that Etiquette truly requires that of her before she's "allowed" to be upset about it.

She left a message. The message was *seen* but its substance was ignored.

I think it kind of does, actually.  I mean, no one gets to dictate how another feels, but I personally think that if you didn't try your reasonable-to-the-situation* best to get what you want, you shouldn't be upset about not getting it.  "Oh, I really wanted that job and I applied, but I didn't follow up with the questionnaire like they asked and now I'm really upset I didn't get the job."  I would think about that person, "Well, what did you expect?  You must not have really wanted that job if you weren't willing to send in the questionnaire.  Frankly, I think it's silly and immature that you're upset.  You didn't do your part but expected to get the job anyway."


*Obviously, what you think is reasonable and what I think is reasonable is different.  I think 2 messages is reasonable while 1 is not.  Anyone is likely to miss one message, but the likelihood of missing 2 is less.  I may even send more if it is that important to me.

[Visiting Crazy Town]

One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to).  If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go.  She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go.  If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again.  If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening.  Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail.  They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

 I do not agree,  if a person calls and leaves you  a message and you  see the message and chose not to answer it.  they should not have to keep calling you  back, because you  can't be bothered

[Goosey]

The more I think of it, the more what you're saying sounds like you think your time is more valuable than your mother's. You can't take 2 minutes to return a call (since you saw it was her) or listen to a voicemail, but you expect her to drop everything to get in contact with you multiple times in order to be able to talk to you.

Additionally, you're not going to bother to get in contact with her unless it's important enough that she has to call you more than once  - that's kind of devaluing her, too.

I don't think you can dictate how others use their phones. You are more than entitled not to use your VM. You're more than entitled not to call her back. But, I think you should examine what message you're leaving for her when you do things like this.

[lowspark]

Or sign up for Google Voice, and give your mom that number--then you can set it to convert voicemail messages to texts and send them to you. They'll be mostly gobbledegook, but you'll get enough of the message to realize mostly what it's about.

Great idea. Yeah, it doesn't always transcribe all that well, however, it does send you an email with the transcription and the ability to play the message. So it is a really great tool because it allows her to call and leave a message and it allows you to listen to the message via email on your computer or phone.

I don't know why I didn't think of this because the fact is, I almost never check my phone messages directly from my phone either. I have the google voice thing and all my messages are both texted to me (gobbledegook-ish but enough to get the gist as Toots said) and emailed to me (with the recording attached to the email). I love it.