Author Topic: Rude not to check voice mail?  (Read 16363 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #30 on: August 01, 2013, 11:25:10 AM »
If the message had been to tell you about a relative's illness or even deatj, tjen what?Or if she has neen hurt or has so,e health concrrns shewants to tellyouabout? Making multiple calls so you think she is worth listening to or texting about it don't seem like reasonable expectations.

Visiting Crazy Town

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #31 on: August 01, 2013, 11:25:19 AM »
The more I think of it, the more what you're saying sounds like you think your time is more valuable than your mother's. You can't take 2 minutes to return a call (since you saw it was her) or listen to a voicemail, but you expect her to drop everything to get in contact with you multiple times in order to be able to talk to you.

Additionally, you're not going to bother to get in contact with her unless it's important enough that she has to call you more than once  - that's kind of devaluing her, too.
I don't think you can dictate how others use their phones. You are more than entitled not to use your VM. You're more than entitled not to call her back. But, I think you should examine what message you're leaving for her when you do things like this.

 These statement are dead on

Mental Magpie

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #32 on: August 01, 2013, 11:28:52 AM »
One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to).  If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go.  She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go.  If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again.  If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening.  Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail.  They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

 I do not agree,  if a person calls and leaves you  a message and you  see the message and chose not to answer it.  they should not have to keep calling you  back, because you  can't be bothered

How do they know you chose not to answer it or just didn't see it?  That's why I would be calling back a second time just to make sure.  I also don't count one more call as "keep calling you back" or as multiple calls.  It's like not getting a TY note and calling to make sure the package actually arrived.  You can assume the worst of a person or you can call one more time just to check that it was actually received.  If it's something important, I see not checking as not being bothered about the other person.

If I want someone to know something, it is my job to make sure they know it.  People aren't mind readers and can't be expected to know what I want from them unless I tell them.  If that means I have to say it more than once, then I have to say it more than once.  If I'm not willing to say it more than once, then it must not be that important.  FTR, that is how I personally operate and I realize that others don't.
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Bexx27

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #33 on: August 01, 2013, 11:29:54 AM »
One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to).  If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go. She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go.  If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again.  If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening.  Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail.  They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

See, I don't agree with the bolded, especially the underlined part.

Sure, from a *practical* point of view, that would have been the only thing that would have gotten her what she wanted--confirmation that the message had gotten through.

But I don't think that Etiquette truly requires that of her before she's "allowed" to be upset about it.

She left a message. The message was *seen* but its substance was ignored.

I think it kind of does, actually.  I mean, no one gets to dictate how another feels, but I personally think that if you didn't try your reasonable-to-the-situation* best to get what you want, you shouldn't be upset about not getting it.  "Oh, I really wanted that job and I applied, but I didn't follow up with the questionnaire like they asked and now I'm really upset I didn't get the job."  I would think about that person, "Well, what did you expect?  You must not have really wanted that job if you weren't willing to send in the questionnaire.  Frankly, I think it's silly and immature that you're upset.  You didn't do your part but expected to get the job anyway."


*Obviously, what you think is reasonable and what I think is reasonable is different.  I think 2 messages is reasonable while 1 is not.  Anyone is likely to miss one message, but the likelihood of missing 2 is less.  I may even send more if it is that important to me.

That analogy is not similar at all. It is not reasonable to expect to get a job if you don't follow through with the application requirements. It is reasonable to expect that you can reach someone by leaving a single voicemail rather than chasing them down.

ITA with Goosey and Visiting Crazy Town. It is absolutely devaluing someone else's time to say that the onus is on them to persist in trying to reach you when you can't be bothered to listen to the first message. If you don't want to listen to voicemail, fine, but it's rude to blame someone else for "not trying hard enough." Take responsibility for your own choices.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

Goosey

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #34 on: August 01, 2013, 11:30:57 AM »
I don't know why a person would have to be able to read someone's mind to find out what they wanted them to know. That information is right in the voicemail. No mind reading needed!

Visiting Crazy Town

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #35 on: August 01, 2013, 11:32:54 AM »
One way to know it is urgent would be to listen to tje message. Mom shouldn't have to make a half dozen calls to be taken seriously.

I'm w/ Sharnita!

I don't think it's at all fair to say, "You didn't call me repeatedly--how was I to know that it was important?"

That's not what I was saying (I don't know that this is directed at me, but I did kind of imply that even though I didn't mean to).  If it was important to the mom enough that she would get so upset about it afterwards, then she should have called at least once more a few days before to see if OP was going to go.  She didn't call at least once more and thus, to me, it obviously wasn't that important to her that OP go.  If it's so easy for OP to listen to her voicemail, it is just as easy for mom to call again.  If she wants it to happen, she needs to be proactive about it happening.  Otherwise, she needs to accept that she won't always get what she wants by leaving a voicemail.

OP has accepted that by not immediately checking her voicemail she may be missing out on things; her mom hasn't accepted that if she wants OP to attend things, she needs to not leave just a voicemail.  They need to meet halfway and I don't think the mom is going to budge.

 I do not agree,  if a person calls and leaves you  a message and you  see the message and chose not to answer it.  they should not have to keep calling you  back, because you  can't be bothered

How do they know you chose not to answer it or just didn't see it?   That's why I would be calling back a second time just to make sure.  I also don't count one more call as "keep calling you back" or as multiple calls.  It's like not getting a TY note and calling to make sure the package actually arrived.  You can assume the worst of a person or you can call one more time just to check that it was actually received.  If it's something important, I see not checking as not being bothered about the other person.

If I want someone to know something, it is my job to make sure they know it.  People aren't mind readers and can't be expected to know what I want from them unless I tell them.  If that means I have to say it more than once, then I have to say it more than once.  If I'm not willing to say it more than once, then it must not be that important.  FTR, that is how I personally operate and I realize that others don't.

 Just because you  don;t know you  chose not to answer doesn;t make what  you  did not rude, you  are valuing yourself as more important than they are , so are rude to say that  even though they  called me and left a voicemail I can no be bothered to see what  they  want unless they  call me again.

Judah

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #36 on: August 01, 2013, 11:34:13 AM »
Remember this thread http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124743.0 ? Same issue here.

Your mother's preferred method of communication is not your preferred method. You don't have to use a method you don't like, but it's not realistic to think that there won't be consequences to ignoring voicemails.  I'd say the same thing to your mother. She doesn't have to use email if she doesn't want to, but she needs to realize that you may miss things because you don't check voice mail. 
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Zilla

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #37 on: August 01, 2013, 11:36:51 AM »
Remember this thread http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124743.0 ? Same issue here.

Your mother's preferred method of communication is not your preferred method. You don't have to use a method you don't like, but it's not realistic to think that there won't be consequences to ignoring voicemails.  I'd say the same thing to your mother. She doesn't have to use email if she doesn't want to, but she needs to realize that you may miss things because you don't check voice mail.


OT-Thank you!  It was bugging me, I was trying to remember what this thread reminded me of.  Off to reread it.

Shoo

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #38 on: August 01, 2013, 11:47:24 AM »
I think calling and leaving a message is acceptable even if the recipient prefers to receive a message another way.

I do think it's kind of strange you'd see you have a message from your mother and you'd let it go for over a week. Even if you don't like checking voicemail, you saw she called you. I think the NICE thing to do would be to call her back and not expect her to have to call you multiple times before she caught you when it seems that you have a schedule where that would make it difficult for her.

That being said, I don't think etiquette requires you to do that.

I agree with this.  Your mother called you and you didn't call her back for almost a week?

peaches

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #39 on: August 01, 2013, 11:47:45 AM »
We still have voice mail on our home phone, and this is my take on it.

If someone cares enough to leave a voice message, we assume it's important.

Without a message, just seeing a number on Caller ID might or might not get a quick response from us. But a message always does.

Obviously, people who are sick get a pass on returning calls till they feel better.


TootsNYC

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #40 on: August 01, 2013, 11:56:11 AM »

I think it kind of does, actually.  I mean, no one gets to dictate how another feels, but I personally think that if you didn't try your reasonable-to-the-situation* best to get what you want, you shouldn't be upset about not getting it. "Oh, I really wanted that job and I applied, but I didn't follow up with the questionnaire like they asked and now I'm really upset I didn't get the job." I would think about that person, "Well, what did you expect?  You must not have really wanted that job if you weren't willing to send in the questionnaire.  Frankly, I think it's silly and immature that you're upset.  You didn't do your part but expected to get the job anyway."


*Obviously, what you think is reasonable and what I think is reasonable is different.  I think 2 messages is reasonable while 1 is not.  Anyone is likely to miss one message, but the likelihood of missing 2 is less.  I may even send more if it is that important to me.

I don't think that's at *all* analagous!

The OP's mother is not a potential employer to be wooed. She's the OP *existing social contact*. (I won't even play the "she's her *mother*!" card, but Miss Manners sure would. In most people's worlds, mothers deserve a little bit more consideration.)

I think that the people we already know, who have reason to think they are valuable to us, have every right to be offended if our attempts at communication have been ignored.

Oh, sure, from a practical point of view, if you want something you should keep after it--but that still doesn't mean you don't have a right, Etiquette-ly speaking, to be offended and ticked off that someone has ignored your attempts at communication.

Returning someone's attempts at communication is Etiquette 101, I think (when that "someone" is someone you already know).

If the OP has clearly indicated to her mother that a certain method of communication does not work, then she is immunized. But she'd better turn off her voicemail completely then! Her answer would need to be, "I didn't even realize you'd left me a voicemail--I never check it at all."


And technology can completely fix this, as long as the OP's mom will use a new phone number:

Quote
If you use Google Voice's voicemail transcription service, Google may transcribe voicemail messages into text and email and/or SMS the resulting text to the email account or phone number(s) designated in your user settings.

https://support.google.com/voice/answer/115986?hl=en

lowspark

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #41 on: August 01, 2013, 12:04:00 PM »
She doesn't have to use a new number. I have this service on my regular cell phone number as I noted above.

I get:
- a text of the voice mail
- an email of the voice mail
- a recording of the voice mail attached to the email

All from someone calling my cell and leaving a message.

This is absolutely the easiest solution. And it's free.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #42 on: August 01, 2013, 12:08:11 PM »
LadyL knows that her mother only leaves voicemail messages.
MotherL knows that her daughter doesn't check voicemail messages all that often

Both of them know these things about one another and neither of them is willing to change.  And you know what, neither of them need to change.  There are all sorts of things that either one of them could do to make their communication better.  But until one or both of them are willing or have a reason to do that, nothing will change.  It's not a zero sum game where one person is absolutely right and the other is absolutely wrong. 

So MotherL will occasionally be peeved at her daughter and LadyL will occasionally be peeved at her mom.  Neither one of these things makes them horrible people.  It just makes them human. 

thedudeabides

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #43 on: August 01, 2013, 12:08:41 PM »
Whether you knew it was urgent or not, you knew she called. All you had to do was reach back to her.

Goosey

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Re: Rude not to check voice mail?
« Reply #44 on: August 01, 2013, 12:15:32 PM »
So MotherL will occasionally be peeved at her daughter and LadyL will occasionally be peeved at her mom.  Neither one of these things makes them horrible people.  It just makes them human.
I think the issue for me isn't that LadyL doesn't check her voicemails. It's that she doesn't NEED to check her voicemail to see that she received a call and from whom, but she decides that in order for the message leaver to get a return call, they need to go out of their way to further indicate they wanted to get in touch with LadyL. How is seeing that missed call and message indicator any different from a text that says "call me"?