S/O: MIL redecorating....SIL and boundary trampling

[LeveeWoman]

Neither of us have any interest in going to the christening.  It's for DH's cousin that we see once a year if that and we have never even met his wife.  I am going to send them some money in a card and call it a day.  We knew we were a obligatory invitation anyhow.  MIL and FIL will have a fit, but that's fine by me.

I'd stay home. Hubby can go and take whatever present he buys. If they think badly of me, so what?

If they called me to let me share their pitching a fit, I'd hang up!

[Kaypeep]

Neither of us have any interest in going to the christening.  It's for DH's cousin that we see once a year if that and we have never even met his wife.  I am going to send them some money in a card and call it a day.  We knew we were a obligatory invitation anyhow.  MIL and FIL will have a fit, but that's fine by me.

I'd stay home. Hubby can go and take whatever present he buys. If they think badly of me, so what?

If they called me to let me share their pitching a fit, I'd hang up!

Tell them you couldn't go because you had to spend your only free time and extra money to repair the damage that SIL made to your yard.  THEN let them know the cat is on fire and you have to hang up now....

[zyrs]

Neither of us have any interest in going to the christening.  It's for DH's cousin that we see once a year if that and we have never even met his wife.  I am going to send them some money in a card and call it a day.  We knew we were a obligatory invitation anyhow.  MIL and FIL will have a fit, but that's fine by me.

I'd stay home. Hubby can go and take whatever present he buys. If they think badly of me, so what?

I like this - although I would just probably not bother to answer the phone.

If they called me to let me share their pitching a fit, I'd hang up!

Tell them you couldn't go because you had to spend your only free time and extra money to repair the damage that SIL made to your yard.  THEN let them know the cat is on fire and you have to hang up now....

[twiggy]

It might also help DH if cattlekid's reaction became full of "i'm sad!!" instead of "I'm mad!!"

Right now it seems as if the whole thing is being framed by the idea of "they messed with my stuff" and "they are awful," instead of "I'm so incredibly sad."

Sad is easy to empathize with. Mad makes people uncomfortable.

I don't mesh well with DH's oldest sister. We went over to their house last night for dinner and I was so stressed out that I had an anxiety episode and actually threw up from the stress. DH has never seen this reaction from me. He sees me suck it up, go spend time, and hears me seethe and vent in the car on the way home.

I have lots of emotions about the time spent with/around SIL, but all he saw was me being mad. From his POV I was being childish and sniping at his sister after what he thought was a perfectly lovely evening.

Last night we were driving home and started arguing about going back over in 2 weeks. Due to the nature of the event, I'm not comfortable going. DH thought I was pitching a fit because I just don't like SIL. We fought some more and went to bed angry.

This afternoon we met DH for lunch and I told him everything. Me being mad just got him defensive and made him angry that I "just hate his whole family!" Me being sad got him saying "you're being oversensitive/she didn't mean it that way." Me being stressed out/depressed really hit him hard. And we're not going over for that particular event.

So, I was feeling all those feelings, but the way I expressed myself, and which emotion I focused on led to a reaction from DH ranging from anger to indifference, to finally understanding.

[LifeOnPluto]

Honestly, she'd probably laugh in my face, or blatantly ignore my request.  And it would have to be in a one on one, or the rest of the family would gang up on me and tell me how they were "just plants" and that I am being selfish and how dare I tell them that what their daughter/wife did was wrong.

How would your SIL respond to a blunt request to 'make it right' ie pay for the plants?

SIL: But I was just trying to heeeelllp....
OP: I understand you had good intentions but you caused $XX amount of damage by disposing of my landscaping.  Can you give me cash or would you prefer to write a check?

I personally would not back down from this.

So your SIL laughs in your face? I'd wait patiently until the laughter dies down. Then I'd tell her again, calmly: "You owe me $X for the destroyed plants. Want to pay me by cash or check?"

If the rest of the family accuses you of being selfish and mean to SIL? I'd wait patiently until they shut up. Then say again, calmly. "Nonetheless, SIL caused $X worth of damage. SIL, will you be paying me back by cash or check?"

And keep on repeating and repeating and repeating, until it sinks in that you are not going to let this go, and they can't just brush it off.

[GrammarNerd]

Honestly, she'd probably laugh in my face, or blatantly ignore my request.  And it would have to be in a one on one, or the rest of the family would gang up on me and tell me how they were "just plants" and that I am being selfish and how dare I tell them that what their daughter/wife did was wrong.

How would your SIL respond to a blunt request to 'make it right' ie pay for the plants?

SIL: But I was just trying to heeeelllp....
OP: I understand you had good intentions but you caused $XX amount of damage by disposing of my landscaping.  Can you give me cash or would you prefer to write a check?

I personally would not back down from this.

So your SIL laughs in your face? I'd wait patiently until the laughter dies down. Then I'd tell her again, calmly: "You owe me $X for the destroyed plants. Want to pay me by cash or check?"

If the rest of the family accuses you of being selfish and mean to SIL? I'd wait patiently until they shut up. Then say again, calmly. "Nonetheless, SIL caused $X worth of damage. SIL, will you be paying me back by cash or check?"

And keep on repeating and repeating and repeating, until it sinks in that you are not going to let this go, and they can't just brush it off.

I actually kinda like this.  And KEEP bringing it up.  ALL the time.  EVERY time you see her.  Make it extremely uncomfortable for her to NOT pay you for the damage.  Because she will know that you'll bring it up EVERY time you're around her.  And the plus side is that even if she never pays you, it's almost a guarantee that she'll start avoiding you because she knows that you're going to ask for the money.

Make her uncomfortable.  That's the key.

 (And of course, just keep repeating the rationale of "you destroyed my property.  you need to pay for it."  And I suppose you could always remind her that vandalism is against the law. )

[Elisabunny]

It might also help DH if cattlekid's reaction became full of "i'm sad!!" instead of "I'm mad!!"

Right now it seems as if the whole thing is being framed by the idea of "they messed with my stuff" and "they are awful," instead of "I'm so incredibly sad."

Sad is easy to empathize with. Mad makes people uncomfortable.

I don't mesh well with DH's oldest sister. We went over to their house last night for dinner and I was so stressed out that I had an anxiety episode and actually threw up from the stress. DH has never seen this reaction from me. He sees me suck it up, go spend time, and hears me seethe and vent in the car on the way home.

I have lots of emotions about the time spent with/around SIL, but all he saw was me being mad. From his POV I was being childish and sniping at his sister after what he thought was a perfectly lovely evening.

Last night we were driving home and started arguing about going back over in 2 weeks. Due to the nature of the event, I'm not comfortable going. DH thought I was pitching a fit because I just don't like SIL. We fought some more and went to bed angry.

This afternoon we met DH for lunch and I told him everything. Me being mad just got him defensive and made him angry that I "just hate his whole family!" Me being sad got him saying "you're being oversensitive/she didn't mean it that way." Me being stressed out/depressed really hit him hard. And we're not going over for that particular event.

So, I was feeling all those feelings, but the way I expressed myself, and which emotion I focused on led to a reaction from DH ranging from anger to indifference, to finally understanding.

It's basically the same concept as Love Languages.  ANY feelings have to be expressed in a way the other person is able to understand.

[AmethystAnne]

I've been thinking about this.

Say, for instance, a lovely lady Alice can only speak French and Italian, and she meets a nice man, Bob. She wants to talk with him in a way that they both understand and their relationship deepens. But Bob speaks only English and Italian.

It would counterproductive if Alice insisted on speaking only French with Bob. So she speaks Italian instead. 

You go with what works. It's not manipulation.



In my own real life relationship with my DH, I know that his sad feelings come out in angry-sounding words. I would be interpreted as being pouting because when I'm sad, I kind of withdraw to get myself together.

[Curly Wurly Doggie Breath]

OP. I've btdt. ONLY thing I could do is to 'Drop the Rope' and Shun them all. They ceased to exist.

Your Husband can do what he wants. But, he can see them without you.

Once he no longer has the 'buffer' of you dealing with his Folks. He may well come to a new revolution himself. When he has to deal with them all alone.

[Curly Wurly Doggie Breath]

OP, How are you ?

[cattlekid]

I'm okay.  I went home to visit my parents this weekend for my 25 year high school reunion (eek!) and I had to break the news to my mom that the periwinkle was gone.  She amazingly took it better than I thought she was going to.  I thought for sure there would be tears and she would be booking a flight back here with me to tear into my SIL.

I still haven't heard anything from anyone on DH's side.  So I'm going to have one more conversation with DH about attending the christening in two weeks.  I know in his heart he doesn't want to have anything to do with his family either so I am trying to make him see that distance right now is a good thing and that he is not an evil monster for wanting it. 

[Delia DeLyons]

I say cut your losses...your in-laws sound emotionally exhausting.

It's situations like these where having Judge Judy around to settle conflicts would be the only way you'd get justice... Sigh.. I wish I could have her over for dinner...

[Redneck Gravy]

I say cut your losses...your in-laws sound emotionally exhausting.

It's situations like these where having Judge Judy around to settle conflicts would be the only way you'd get justice... Sigh.. I wish I could have her over for dinner...

I wish I could have her over for dinner too! Maybe next family reunion... 

[dhk]

>Ah yes, but here's the rub.  They have ZERO landscaping on their property other than grass.  They have an active dislike of all ornamental plants and a fear of all trees.  They are convinced that trees = branches through the roof and therefore trees are evil and need to be avoided at all costs.

Excellent!   DH's family sound incredibly dense, but an example that that might get through their brain is to enthusiastically say you are going to go to their house and plant some lovely plants and trees in their yard, right by the house so they can see them from the windows.   

It's it great you want to help them with their barren landscaping! ;-)

[White Lotus]

The Arbor Day society will, in return for a small donation, send you a whole lot of little baby trees!  I might enthusiastically tell them I am going to make the donation and plant all the trees in their yard, since it is so barren!  Of course, they'll have to pay for sprinklers but, hey, it is so totally your business to landscape their yard to your tastes!  Maybe that might sink in.
You can always make the donation and plant the little baby trees somewhere else.