Author Topic: Shutdown options  (Read 3237 times)

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MamaMootz

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Shutdown options
« on: August 02, 2013, 12:25:27 PM »
So.... my car was not in the best of shape and my husband just went out and obtained a new car for me - it's a car I really wanted for the past few years, but we could not afford it. In order to obtain this car for me, my husband made some sacrifices regarding his own transportation and he was able to fit this into our budget.

Problem: my father. I'm meeting him this afternoon for a quick snack, and he has been in Lecture Mode with me lately about what I should and should not be doing with money. I have been redirecting and bean dipping with some success, and not JADEing with him when we talk, but I know that as soon as he sees this car, he's going to go into Ballistic Mode and either the direct or P/A comments are going to start.

I'm thinking about being direct and telling him to back off, but in the nicest possible way. I'm a grown woman and our finances are really none of his business.

Changing the subject is more than likely not going to work - ideas for getting him to stop as nicely as possible? I want to go in there prepared. I don't want to explode, but this constant commenting on our finances is really getting on my nerves.
"I like pie" - DD's Patented Bean Dip Maneuver

Zizi-K

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2013, 12:30:39 PM »
You know, if you explode once (or react with a cold fury and leave) and shut it down
once and for all, you probably won't have to deal with it again.

ti_ax

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2013, 12:31:33 PM »
At the first sign of trouble, politely say: "Dad, I'm a grown woman and our finances are really none of your business."

Repeat once if necessary. If he continues after that, get up and walk out.

jaxsue

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2013, 12:33:17 PM »
IMO, if you and your DH are financially independent (as in, your parents aren't supporting you in any way), your finances are your business alone.

For example, I have a 22-yr-old son. I don't comment on his finances because he is very independent. If I were, say, sending him money every month and I found out he was buying cigs (he doesn't smoke, AFAIK) or partying every weekend, I'd speak my piece.

My late MIL was the queen of butt-inski. She'd make comments about how DH and I spent our money (we lived frugally, but she lived as if it were 1935!). There was no way to shut her down - or, DH refused to deal with it. I'm sorry you have to put up with this.

Firecat

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2013, 12:34:25 PM »
I can think of three options.

Option 1: Make sure your dad doesn't see the car, and if he brings up finances, slather liberally with bean dip.

Option 2: "Dad, we have it under control." Lather, rinse, repeat. No matter what he says or asks, that's your answer.

Option 3: Go ahead and get angry. You don't have to be mean, just coldly say something like "Dad, DH and I are adults. We have our finances under control, and they are none of your business unless we ask for help or advice. Which we have not done and are not doing now. Now either we change the subject or I leave." And then do so if he persists. You may need to do this a few times.

MamaMootz

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2013, 12:36:39 PM »
The most ironic thing of all abou this is that this is the man that bought a new used car every 3 or 4 months while I was growing up. He loved to tinker on them and sell them. He got so bad that my friends used to tease me that the state was going to make him obtain a used car dealer license. My mom used to call herself a car widow.

So I really don't understand the lecturing and I'm tempted to tell him he's the pot calling the kettle black. I think it's just that he's older now and he's trying to help me in his own misguided way.

He and I have always crossed horns, over just about everything, since I was a teen.
"I like pie" - DD's Patented Bean Dip Maneuver

cwm

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2013, 01:06:23 PM »
State once that you and your DH's finances are none of your father's business. After that, a cold stare. If he still doesn't catch on and brings it up, leave. If you want, you can tell him why you're leaving. "Dad, I just told you that our finances are none of your business. Since you don't want to discuss anything else, I'm leaving. I will not discuss this with you."

nayberry

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2013, 01:09:49 PM »
i'd give him one chance,  if after you stating sthg like "yes i have a new car, yes we can afford it, bean dip0?" he continues to go on i'd say"nice to see you dad" and leave.

VorFemme

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2013, 01:16:06 PM »
Yes, I have a new car.  The payments are lower than the repair bills the last few months.  It's nice that it's reliable when I need to get to work.

How's Mom?
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MrTango

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2013, 01:41:47 PM »
Yes, I have a new car.  The payments are lower than the repair bills the last few months.  It's nice that it's reliable when I need to get to work.
How's Mom?

I wouldn't even give him this much information.  It's the OP's and her husband's business how they spend their money and no one else's.  The bolded is JADE-ing.

jaxsue

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2013, 01:49:38 PM »
OP, I'm glad you are deciding that this is a hill to die on. I am 52, and not once did I stand up to my father when he treated me like your dad seems to be treating you. He is gone now, and I really, really wish that I had stood up for myself. I'm mad (at myself) that I let our family's "culture" stop me from doing that. So, good on you.

VorFemme

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #11 on: August 02, 2013, 01:51:35 PM »
Yes, I have a new car.  The payments are lower than the repair bills the last few months.  It's nice that it's reliable when I need to get to work.
How's Mom?

I wouldn't even give him this much information.  It's the OP's and her husband's business how they spend their money and no one else's.  The bolded is JADE-ing.

It depends on the family - this much information would convince my father that we'd made a good choice for us (his rule of thumb was that if the repair costs kept running as high or higher than replacement costs - time to replace - then he would haggle down the cost of the replacement - he had a lot of experience at it).

But a person knows their own FOO best - I agree that some parents would be unable to drop the subject until they had tenderized that poor dead horse by beating it for another thirty minutes.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

TootsNYC

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2013, 01:57:41 PM »
You could always say, "My old car had died, and I'm so proud of DH, he did a GREAT negotiating job! We're really pleased with the deal we got."

I have a friend who bought a Mercedes-Benz two-seater convertible. Everybody acted like she'd spent a lot of money. And people would ask her how much it cost her.

She always said, "I won't tell you the amount I spent, but I will say that it's amazing how low you can get them to go when you're negotiating on a convertible on the last day of January in a snowstorm! They want the sale for that month, they know nobody's going to buy a convertible--you have tremendous leverage."

So you could try that.


Oh Joy

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #13 on: August 02, 2013, 02:30:24 PM »
How about a different tact, that focuses on the good stuff?

Your version of 'Dad, I love hanging out with you as adults.  I know I'll always be your little girl, but when you lecture it takes away the pleasure of being with you.  Do you know what I mean?'

Best wishes.

SamiHami

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Re: Shutdown options
« Reply #14 on: August 02, 2013, 02:33:11 PM »
"Wow, Dad. I'll explain myself to you as soon as you can explain how my finances are any of your business."

or

"Well, let me have a look at all of your financial records. I'll give you my judgment on all of your purchases and investments. Once you do that, I'll consider sharing mine with you. No? It's none of my business? Well, then I guess we'll just have to agree to stay out of each other's financial decisions entirely, now won't we?" (I'm sure that can said more elegantly, but I trust you get the idea) ***only works if you are positive he won't agree!

or

(laughing) "Oh, Dad. It's so funny when you try to treat me like I'm still a child. Of course my finances are not your concern. Don't you just love the color of my new car?"

I dunno what else, except blowing up at him, which I wouldn't think would accomplish much.

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