Author Topic: Can I ask that host exclude relative?  (Read 4062 times)

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TiredMum

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Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« on: August 03, 2013, 01:26:02 AM »
Hi all,

So the situation is my children and their grandfather want to have a sleep over at grandfathers house.  Can I say 'Yes, but only if relative is not visiting at that time'?

I haven't been speaking to realtive for some time and don't want them to speak to my children without being present. 

StarDrifter

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2013, 01:39:39 AM »
Is this relative a person who is usually at grandfathers' house?

If the other relative lives with grandfather then I'll say you can't really ask them to leave their own home, but if they're not resident in that home then you can reasonably ask that no one else be there, if you can frame it as a 'special time' thing it might come across better - "Grandfather, I'd appreciate it if the night that my children are staying over it could be just you. If you need someone else to help I can stay, too."

Is grandfather aware of your relationship (or lack thereof) with the other relative?
... it might frighten them.
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TiredMum

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2013, 01:49:57 AM »
Relative does not live there, but does visit often.

I'm not really talking to grandfather either, but would have to spell out in ironclad detail without any wriggle room that I really don't want relative present. 

Grandfather has in the past when told not to do something done it again, and then been injured innocence and confused I'd be offended.

kudeebee

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2013, 02:03:31 AM »
Relative does not live there, but does visit often.

I'm not really talking to grandfather either, but would have to spell out in ironclad detail without any wriggle room that I really don't want relative present. 

Grandfather has in the past when told not to do something done it again, and then been injured innocence and confused I'd be offended.

Then what is your guarantee that he will do as you request this time?  Perhaps you need to rethink the sleepover.

Marbles

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2013, 02:58:50 AM »
It doesn't sound like you trust grandpa to do what you ask.

If you really want to support this. (Do you?) Could you spend the evening there and leave shortly before bedtime?

If you really don't want to support this, then I'd tell him why. "I'd love to have the kids go over there for a sleepover, however I know that [person] is a regular visitor. My kids are not allowed to be around [person] without me there. Of course I not going to tell you who you can and can't have in your home, but I am not willing to break that rule for the kids so they aren't going to be able to have a sleep over." This opens the door to him deciding on his own that [person] won't be coming over while the kids are there.

TiredMum

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2013, 04:12:48 AM »
Ty Marbles, 

That is so much more diplomatic than any script I can think of and I will have it in front of me when I speak to grandfather.

No I can't say I trust them however the kids have asked me about the sleepover, it would be nice if it worked out. 

shhh its me

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2013, 07:20:56 AM »
It doesn't sound like you trust grandpa to do what you ask.

If you really want to support this. (Do you?) Could you spend the evening there and leave shortly before bedtime?

If you really don't want to support this, then I'd tell him why. "I'd love to have the kids go over there for a sleepover, however I know that [person] is a regular visitor. My kids are not allowed to be around [person] without me there. Of course I not going to tell you who you can and can't have in your home, but I am not willing to break that rule for the kids so they aren't going to be able to have a sleep over." This opens the door to him deciding on his own that [person] won't be coming over while the kids are there.

This. Focus on what you can dictate " MY children are not allowed to be around  ---------"  not what you can"t . " you need to keep --------- away from the  house"

TootsNYC

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2013, 09:50:54 AM »
Relative does not live there, but does visit often.

I'm not really talking to grandfather either, but would have to spell out in ironclad detail without any wriggle room that I really don't want relative present. 

Grandfather has in the past when told not to do something done it again, and then been injured innocence and confused I'd be offended.

Then what is your guarantee that he will do as you request this time?  Perhaps you need to rethink the sleepover.

Yeah, from a tactical point of view, I think you need to say no.


From an etiquette point of view, I have different reactions.
-when children are involved, parents' rights expand beyond the traditional limits of etiquette, I believe. So yes, I think you have the *right* to say it. But as several of us have pointed out, it sounds like it won't work w/ Gramps.

-ordinarily, no, the guest may not dictate the guest list.

-in a situation in which someone has severed a relationship with someone toxic, I think a guest who is close to the host could say, "You know that I will not stay if drug-using Uncle Fred is there, so if you plan to invite him I'd appreciate a head's-up, and I'll have to decline then."


(and I agree, great script from Marbles. Love the "I'd never dictate to you who you can have in your home." And the "if you want them over, you have to meet this criteria--ball's in your court" tactic.)

Zilla

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2013, 10:06:25 AM »
What are the ages of the children?  If they are tiny and impressionable, I think it's best to say no and arrange for a visit out and about at a neutral place.


If they are over 7ish, then a strongly and clearly worded message can be sent.  Something like"


Grandfather,


The children would love a sleepover and I don't mind as long as Relative does NOT come over under any circumstances.  No short visits, pop in or just to pick up something whatever.  If this is a problem and you do not wish to tell Relative not to come while the children are at the sleepover, then please let me know and we will arrange something else.  If I do find out that Relative comes over for whatever reason, I will have to refuse all and any future visits.  I do not wish to issue ultimatums but in the past you have expressed confusion at my not wanting Relative in my children's lives.  I just want to be ultra clear on this matter, Relative is not welcome in any way or shape or form in the children's lives.


Thank you.


It does have to be strongly worded as above but you can of course tweak it to be a bit more you.  But I would make sure the message is loud and clear and that you are apologetic for the tone.


LeveeWoman

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2013, 10:29:20 AM »
Ty Marbles, 

That is so much more diplomatic than any script I can think of and I will have it in front of me when I speak to grandfather.

No I can't say I trust them however the kids have asked me about the sleepover, it would be nice if it worked out. 

You want to entrust your kids to someone you don't trust to begin with, and further don't trust that he won't allow a bad influence into  his own home when your kids are present?

Just say "no" to your kids.

*inviteseller

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2013, 10:47:04 AM »
I would not allow this sleep over at all.  You don't trust anyone involved in it and as much as your kids may want this, there is the potential for serious drama that they will be caught in the middle of.  I think they need to be told "No, I;m sorry, no sleep overs."  Can you plan a day outing for you, the kids and grandfather?  That way, they spend time with him while you are there to watch.

artk2002

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2013, 11:33:29 AM »
Ty Marbles, 

That is so much more diplomatic than any script I can think of and I will have it in front of me when I speak to grandfather.

No I can't say I trust them however the kids have asked me about the sleepover, it would be nice if it worked out. 

You want to entrust your kids to someone you don't trust to begin with, and further don't trust that he won't allow a bad influence into  his own home when your kids are present?

Just say "no" to your kids.

This. No child, anywhere, has been permanently damaged by a lack of contact with their grandparents. Don't let some societal "should" overrule the needs of your children. They need to be in a safe environment with people that you (and they) can trust. It doesn't sound like grandpas house meets that requirement.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Phoebe

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2013, 01:24:19 PM »
I'm in agreement with posters who are saying it's not a good idea.  The other thing I immediately thought of was this:  how likely is grandfather to tell the kids "now, don't tell your mom so-and-so was here"?  Growing up, I was put into that situation more than once and it made me feel horrible and like I'd done something wrong, whether I kept the secret or not.  Kids shouldn't ever be put in the middle like that.

delabela

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2013, 01:31:46 PM »
Given that you don't really know if grandpa will follow your wishes, you might want to assume that there is a possibility that the unwanted relative will at least stop by. If you are not ok with that, then I think you're setting everyone up for failure by saying yes under conditions that you know may be broken.

If I was in your shoes, I would consider whether or not the issue with the relative involved safety (such as they were actively using drugs) or if I thought they would be inappropriate in front of my children (bad mouthing me, or saying racist/homophobic things, for instance).  If either safety or inappropriateness were a question, I would have to decline the sleepover. 

Aquamarine

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Re: Can I ask that host exclude relative?
« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2013, 01:51:57 PM »
If this person if a frequent visitor do they often show up unannounced?  If this is the case while the GF may say he will go along with and do one thing, turning someone away at the door, possibly involving a scene may not be something your GF can comfortably do.

I would not go along with the sleepover.  It is unnecessary and the only way you can truly control that your children not be around this other person is for you to stay with them.

Your GF has not followed your wishes before, therefore at least for me he would become someone I could not trust with the wellbeing of my children.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and your GF has shown you what that behavior may be.
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