News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • January 18, 2018, 07:50:29 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: How to express hurt politely? - Update p3  (Read 8309 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

CakeBeret

  • Member
  • Posts: 4271
How to express hurt politely? - Update p3
« on: August 05, 2013, 09:12:07 AM »
BG: Tara and I have been best friends sine we were toddlers. We went to different schools, but now live just a couple miles apart. Tara has two close friends from school, Sarah and Jane, who also live in the same city as us. Sarah and I get along well and she sometimes joins Tara and I when we get together. Jane and I have nothing against each other but are not close. The four of us do get together for girls' nights sometimes.

A couple months ago, Sarah and Jane planned a weekend trip for themselves and Tara. Although I would have liked to be invited, I understood why I wasn't. Since Sarah and Jane had planned the trip, and I'm not as close to them as I am Tara, it stood to reason that I wouldn't be invited. But when they returned, Tara regaled me with stories of what a great time they'd had. This stung a bit, but I never said anything.

Lately Tara and Sarah have been talking on Facebook about a float trip they are going on together, and the posts show up on my news feed. Last night Tara texted me and asked if I would sell her some cupcakes (I'm a hobby baker) for her to take on an upcoming float trip that she had planned. This was the first time she'd mentioned the trip to me. When I asked how many people she needed cupcakes for, she responded three.

It is clear to me now (through this exchange and their posts on FB) that Tara has planned a float trip for herself, Sarah, and Jane. I am a bit hurt to be excluded, especially since Tara is the one planning the trip. Had the only mention been the posts on FB, I could have ignored them and pretended to not know anything about the trip. But Tara asking me to bake cupcakes for a girls' weekend that I'm not invited to? That, I think was insensitive and thoughtless.

I'm not really sure whether I want to say anything to Tara at all. It's unlike her to be thoughtless. But part of me really wants to say some variation on "You have every right to go on girls' weekends without me, but at least do me the courtesy of not bringing it to my attention." Thoughts on how I can say this without sounding PA or bitter?
« Last Edit: August 05, 2013, 02:38:44 PM by CakeBeret »
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

menley

  • Member
  • Posts: 1108
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2013, 09:28:44 AM »
Ouch. I'm sorry, I would be hurt in this situation too.

I think I'd start the conversation by simply saying that based on Facebook posts, it sounds like the cupcakes are for a float trip for the three of them and asking if that's true (it sounds like it is, but you never want to assume!) If she says yes, then I would tell her, "Honestly, I'm a little hurt that you would plan an activity that I like to do, with people that I'm friends with, and then not invite me to attend but ask me to provide cupcakes." I then wouldn't say *anything else* because a lot of times, when people are hurt, they tend to overexplain. Just say that one thing, and then wait for Tara's response.

Ideally she'd say something like she hadn't thought you'd want to come, or she didn't think of it, etc., and you can simply say "For future events, even if you don't think I'd like to come, it'd be nice to be included."

Unfortunately, there's the possibility that, since you're merely acquaintances with Jane, something about the dynamic between the two of you is the reason you weren't invited (no idea if this is the case, obviously, I just want to point it out so you're not blindsided if Tara says something like this).

TootsNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 33847
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2013, 09:32:01 AM »
I actually like your comment. Maybe not "every right to," bcs those sorts of comments carry with them the ghost of their opposite meaning.

But maybe, "Of course you do things with the other two women, but it hurts my feelings when you make it known to me. I feel left out then, when I wouldn't otherwise."

gen xer

  • Member
  • Posts: 602
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2013, 09:38:27 AM »
 I too would be hurt by this.  I don't expect to be invited along with everything and it doesn't sound like you do either but the cupcakes?  Galling.

You could simply say to her in disbelief - you want me to bake but you didn't invite me?  And let her stew in awkwardness.  Don't worry too much about making it uncomfortable for her - if she was insensitive enough to do it in the first place she should feel it.

Although I have to say that even if I was invited after the fact I probably wouldn't want to go anyway at this point. 

Goosey

  • Member
  • Posts: 1950
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2013, 09:42:41 AM »
"I know that I'm not going to be invited to everything you guys do, but to not invite me and then ask me to cater desserts for you seems deliberately hurtful."

Morticia

  • Member
  • Posts: 1753
    • Stepmonster's Travels
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2013, 09:47:15 AM »
"I know that I'm not going to be invited to everything you guys do, but to not invite me and then ask me to cater desserts for you seems deliberately hurtful."

I think this wording would put Tara way too much on the defensive, and I would suggest not implying a perceived intention, but merely stating a result.

"I know that I'm not going to be invited to everything you guys do, but to not invite me and then ask me to cater desserts for you is hurtful."
Now our mom says she's changed her mind about the devil's brood, they may be evil so she thinks, but at least they're never rude...
                                        -- Big Rude Jake

My travel blog: http://www.stepmonster.ca

TurtleDove

  • Member
  • Posts: 7306
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2013, 10:10:28 AM »
While I grasp that the OP is hurt, I personally wouldn't make an issue out of this.  It is not likely to gain the OP what she wants, which I assume is a happy relationship with all the women, or at least with Tara.  Instead, it puts the other women on the defensive, and sets up an "us versus OP" situation.  Were Tara, Jane and Sara wrong, either for not inviting the OP or for asking her to make cupcakes?  Arguably, yes.  But I think "calling out" Tara is not likely to endear the OP to Tara but rather push her away.  If it were me, I would cheerfully make the cupcakes and say something like, "I hope you three have a great time on the float trip! I love float trips!"  Full stop.  Not sour grapes, just joy that your friends are going to do something fun.  Then the OP should plan the next event for the four of them. 


Goosey

  • Member
  • Posts: 1950
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2013, 10:13:04 AM »
I think NOT discussing it with them would be a mistake. The key to any relationship - whether with an SO or with friends - is communication. Bottling up hurt feelings and pretending everything is okay when it is NOT would not serve to solve the problem. It's important to be able to voice your completely valid feelings and talk them out with your friends.

bopper

  • Member
  • Posts: 14072
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2013, 10:16:26 AM »
Or you could try "That trip sounds like fun! Hope you have a good time.  If you do it again, consider letting me know. I would like that sort of thing."

guihong

  • Member
  • Posts: 7019
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2013, 10:20:51 AM »
While I grasp that the OP is hurt, I personally wouldn't make an issue out of this.  It is not likely to gain the OP what she wants, which I assume is a happy relationship with all the women, or at least with Tara.  Instead, it puts the other women on the defensive, and sets up an "us versus OP" situation.  Were Tara, Jane and Sara wrong, either for not inviting the OP or for asking her to make cupcakes?  Arguably, yes.  But I think "calling out" Tara is not likely to endear the OP to Tara but rather push her away.  If it were me, I would cheerfully make the cupcakes and say something like, "I hope you three have a great time on the float trip! I love float trips!"  Full stop.  Not sour grapes, just joy that your friends are going to do something fun.  Then the OP should plan the next event for the four of them.

I think Tara at least should feel badly about this (it's unknown whether Jane or Sara had anything to do with it).  There's no way I, in the OP's situation, would bake cupcakes for a trip I wasn't invited on.  I suggest Menley's approach and wording, although I could see the OP's wording myself. 

For me, anyway, this brings up memories of being the "left-out" one despite my parents throwing a pizza party for the marching band members :(



Cami

  • Member
  • Posts: 1052
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2013, 10:24:21 AM »
Given that you and Tara have been friends since you were toddlers, I'd just be direct. "Is there some reason I wasn't invited on this outing, but my cupcakes were?"

GrammarNerd

  • Member
  • Posts: 569
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #11 on: August 05, 2013, 10:25:14 AM »
"Honestly, you and I have been friends for a long time and the four of us have done things in the past together.  So when I saw that you were planning the float trip and talked about it a bunch on facebook, and it was obvious that I wasn't invited, I was kind of hurt.  I wasn't going to say anything, because hey, that's your right.  But then being asked to bake cupcakes for a trip that some friends are taking that I'm not invited to ...."

Let your voice trail off with the implication.  Hopefully she'll get the point of "I don't wish you a bad time, but don't expect me to expend my efforts to make sure you have a better time without me.  When I was never invited."

Or hey, maybe just say that last part???

Yvaine

  • Member
  • Posts: 10045
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2013, 10:28:37 AM »
One more thing to keep in mind is that even if the OP decides not to confront Tara, she can still politely say No to the request for cupcakes.

TurtleDove

  • Member
  • Posts: 7306
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2013, 10:32:36 AM »
I like GrammarNerd's wording.  I do think it makes sense for the OP to recognize, though, that different people and groups have different relationships, especially as we age. Even though Tara was planning the outing, it seems pretty clear to me that it was a "school friends" outing that the OP should not have expected to be included in.  I am long out of school, and some of my friends overlap from high school, college, law school, church, and various jobs over my lifetime, but I would never expect to be included in every.single.outing planned by the person I consider to be my "best friend," especially when the only other people invited are clearly connected to the "best friend" in a way I am not.  Actually, as I type this, I realize that I don't really have one singular "best friend" but rather several "close friends" who may or may not even know each other and who certainly would not expect to be included in every event I plan!

lowspark

  • Member
  • Posts: 5542
Re: How to express hurt politely?
« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2013, 10:38:23 AM »
Have you thought of initiating plans with these three friends yourself instead of just hoping they'll invite you to their outings? If you start to act like you consider them friends enough that you want to plan events with them, they might begin to think of you more as part of their group, as they apparently don't now.

For this trip and cupcake situation, I'd probably just mention to Sarah that the trip sounds like great fun and something you'd definitely be interested in participating in in the future* and ask if she'd be interested in doing this kind of thing again if you organize it. And then follow through. Wait a couple of weeks, then start organizing something.

Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and make the things you want to happen happen and not wait and hope for others to realize what you want and act upon it.

*I emphasize in the future because I don't think you should insinuate that you want to invite yourself on this trip or make Tara feel bad for not including you. You want her to think it's a good idea to include you in the future, not get the idea that she should feel bad about not including you this time.
Houston 
Texas 
USA