Author Topic: yet another mother-in-law issue  (Read 7908 times)

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Twik

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #30 on: August 07, 2013, 01:30:57 PM »
This woman referred to you as the devil, evil and a cultist. She should thank her lucky stars she's even allowed to communicate with your children, let alone enter your household.

Yes. At this stage, you can forget about ever having a rational relationship with her, because she has shown she is not a rational person.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Petticoats

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #31 on: August 07, 2013, 02:21:21 PM »
I'm genuinely curious: why allow her into your lives at all? Does your DH benefit in some way from staying in touch with her? Is she ever kind and sweet to him or your kids? Because it sounds like she is at *best* a nuisance for him to filter out. Add that to the "you're the devil" texts, and I'd have made sure not to give her a forwarding address when moving.

Coralreef

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #32 on: August 07, 2013, 04:58:14 PM »
This woman referred to you as the devil, evil and a cultist. She should thank her lucky stars she's even allowed to communicate with your children, let alone enter your household.

Yes. At this stage, you can forget about ever having a rational relationship with her, because she has shown she is not a rational person.

Or when she comes to vist, light up black candles, sit in the lotus position and huuuummmmm.  Shake some kind of animal hair rattle in her direction, huuummm again.  There.  She want to depict you as evil, give her what she wants.   >:D

Your DH needs to cut the cord, but that thing is usually made of braided steel and looped around the neck if my EX is anything to go by. Until he does that, you can only be cooly distant.  Don't waste your time being nice, it's only going to be thrown back in your face.  And she wants to be close to you when she retires?  Honey, that will be the death of you at the rate she is going.

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MommyPenguin

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2013, 09:32:03 AM »
Also?  I'd consider naming all future children *together*.  As in, not having one of you pick the first name and one the middle.  Pick both names together, choose ones that go well together, etc.  It will be a lot harder for him to slip in his mother's choice as the *first* name next time (if it's his turn) if you guys are discussing all names together.

I'd consider changing the child's middle name to the name your DH says he would have liked to use.  The paperwork is a pain but it's not the end of the world, and then you don't have to grit your teeth every time you hear the name.  You don't have to tell the family, just change it for your own peace of mind.  Easier done earlier than later.

bopper

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #34 on: August 09, 2013, 09:49:49 AM »
Also?  I'd consider naming all future children *together*.  As in, not having one of you pick the first name and one the middle.  Pick both names together, choose ones that go well together, etc.  It will be a lot harder for him to slip in his mother's choice as the *first* name next time (if it's his turn) if you guys are discussing all names together.

I'd consider changing the child's middle name to the name your DH says he would have liked to use.  The paperwork is a pain but it's not the end of the world, and then you don't have to grit your teeth every time you hear the name.  You don't have to tell the family, just change it for your own peace of mind.  Easier done earlier than later.

I dunno...when we were naming our second child I would propose names and my DH would say 'oh, i knew somebody at work with that name" or some other reason why he didn't like it. I kept offering names, but at some point I realized I was proposing names I didn't even really like.  So what I did was give him a list of 10 names I liked and told him he had to pick from there.   He said Okay, but then I pick the middle name.  He picked a variation of his mom's name that is also a common middle name (think if his mom's name was Anna he picked Ann). Fortunately I like his mom.

MommyPenguin

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2013, 10:21:02 AM »
My husband and I had a lot of different opinions about names as well.  We both liked the same basic style (very classic names along the lines of Henry, George, Charles, Michael, Elizabeth, Catherine, Isabel, etc.) but we liked different names within that group and tended to dislike the names the other preferred.  It was funny how our tastes could be so similar and yet so different at the same time.  We actually both liked the same girl name, so the first girl was easy to name, and we've had a boy name saved up for 7 years at this point.  But it's getting harder and harder to pick girl names that we both like, now that we've used 8 of them between first and middle names!  If we have a 5th girl, she's going to be a doozy to name!  :)

padua

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #36 on: August 09, 2013, 11:19:25 AM »
yes- choosing names was a pain. at this point, the baby was 3 days old and we needed to be discharged soon. and we needed to come up with a name before we left the hospital (i believe that's a new hampshire rule?). we had been in name negotiations for several months- i was a) happy he'd agreed to my first name pick and b) relieved to be walking again, so when he chose the middle name he did, i didn't think to question it, even though it wasn't on our list of considerations.

next time, though (if there happens to be a next time)

padua

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #37 on: August 09, 2013, 11:24:00 AM »
I'm genuinely curious: why allow her into your lives at all? Does your DH benefit in some way from staying in touch with her? Is she ever kind and sweet to him or your kids? Because it sounds like she is at *best* a nuisance for him to filter out. Add that to the "you're the devil" texts, and I'd have made sure not to give her a forwarding address when moving.

i think with all her issues, my husband is just very protective of her. he's an only child of a single parent, and i think he feels responsible for her. she is good to him and she is good to the babies- i just don't think she ever expected to have to 'compete' for his attention. i'm not sure she ever thought out what it would be like to have a daughter-in-law, as she has a very difficult time relinquishing control.

BarensMom

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #38 on: August 09, 2013, 11:29:34 AM »
I'm genuinely curious: why allow her into your lives at all? Does your DH benefit in some way from staying in touch with her? Is she ever kind and sweet to him or your kids? Because it sounds like she is at *best* a nuisance for him to filter out. Add that to the "you're the devil" texts, and I'd have made sure not to give her a forwarding address when moving.

i think with all her issues, my husband is just very protective of her. he's an only child of a single parent, and i think he feels responsible for her. she is good to him and she is good to the babies- i just don't think she ever expected to have to 'compete' for his attention. i'm not sure she ever thought out what it would be like to have a daughter-in-law, as she has a very difficult time relinquishing control.

She isn't being good to him or his children if she's referring to his wife, his other half and the mother of his children, as "the devil."  Oh, yes, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth when she's talking to HIM, but what kind of poison will she be pouring into your children's ears about you?  Will she be undercutting YOUR parenting every chance she gets? 

padua

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #39 on: August 09, 2013, 11:30:39 AM »
Your poor husband!
I hope you can kindly help him to see himself at someone who doesn't need to care about whether she likes his decisions, etc. That's a tough, tough road for him.

I hoe you can be a source of quiet strength for him. Modeling the right behavior is probably your most powerful tool for that. So--no more thoughtful gifts. Think of her as a semi-distant aunt. Someone that you vaguely feel positive feelings for, or mild obligation. An afterthought.

And make every reaction based on that mental image of her. It's not angry, punitive, or judgmental--and I think that therein lies its power. It can be too hard to go to the extreme--so if you can just slide way down to nearly neutral, it'll be easier to maintain.

And another tactic that might help you help him is to fill your life up with other people, other activities, other influences. Even a full social calendar, or lots of projects to keep you both busy around the house, will make it easier to view her, and her influence/pressure, as peripheral to your lives.

toots- thank you for that. i don't think i realized fully how difficult this must be for him. because i've been confident in my decisions, i didn't think to see how much less confident he was. i think this process has been hard for him and i've forgotten that. just because a parent has dysfunctional behaviors doesn't necessarily mean her child loves her any less.

i've tried to avoid placing him between us and forcing him to choose 'sides'- that's part of why i don't discuss these issues with him. i appreciate the suggestion of being a 'quiet source of strength'- he has to hear her complain incessantly, but he gets to hang up the phone afterward. i don't want him to have to continue hearing about it afterward when as you point out, it ceases to become an issue after we stop talking to her. our lives ARE filled with other things and the concerns she brings up can be postponed until the next phone call. neutral- a distant aunt- those are things i can do.

LeveeWoman

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Re: yet another mother-in-law issue
« Reply #40 on: August 09, 2013, 11:33:25 AM »
I'm genuinely curious: why allow her into your lives at all? Does your DH benefit in some way from staying in touch with her? Is she ever kind and sweet to him or your kids? Because it sounds like she is at *best* a nuisance for him to filter out. Add that to the "you're the devil" texts, and I'd have made sure not to give her a forwarding address when moving.

i think with all her issues, my husband is just very protective of her. he's an only child of a single parent, and i think he feels responsible for her. she is good to him and she is good to the babies- i just don't think she ever expected to have to 'compete' for his attention. i'm not sure she ever thought out what it would be like to have a daughter-in-law, as she has a very difficult time relinquishing control.

She isn't being good to him or his children if she's referring to his wife, his other half and the mother of his children, as "the devil."  Oh, yes, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth when she's talking to HIM, but what kind of poison will she be pouring into your children's ears about you?  Will she be undercutting YOUR parenting every chance she gets?

She'd never get the chance if they were my babies.