Author Topic: Facebook and kids, snooping?  (Read 4279 times)

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Idlewildstudios

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Facebook and kids, snooping?
« on: August 05, 2013, 12:41:51 PM »
This is tough for me.

My DD is just barely 13.  We started a FB page for her about a month ago.  She had one on the sly over a year ago, but we found out about it, shut it down and locked down her Internet access for a couple of months.  We've been open and honest with her about appropriate FB use and let her know that what happens online can bite you in butt at a later date in regards to stupid kid stuff that seems cool and edgey but is in reality just plain stupid.   Make sense?

Anyway, we felt that she was old enough for a FB page on the condition that *I* set it up, install most of the privacy setting and I also am a "friend" and have her passwords.

I noticed her iPad wasn't in its normal spot this morning.  She also didn't want to get up for swim practice, saying she hadn't slept well.  I let her go back to bed  then logged into her FB account from my phone.  Found she had up at 2 am messaging.  Both where boys.  I read the conversations.  One boy I know ( he is a couple years older) and it was pretty harmless teenaged flirting.  I expect that.

The other I do not know, I think he lives out of state.  He is at least 2 years older than DD and this punk was putting on a show about being so sad and he needed her to cheer him up.  By sending racy photos  of herself.  He also made some comments that were way, way inappropriate.  I will admit I lost it and messaged him  back that if I ever found out he was making those requests of my underage daughter again I was going to nail his punk butt to the wall.

I have already in the past gone over and over what boys will do when the hormones are flowing and it is not okay to send photos like that,  yada, yada, I'm a stodgy old fuddy fuddy who was never young, blah, blah, blah...  So we get to have *that* talk yet again.  Big sigh.   She's losing Internet for a while again too , for sneaking it into her room.

Did I go too far in reading her messages?  She *knows* I have access to he account that was one of the stipulations.  I get the normal flirting and stuff .  The asking for photos and blunt s$x talk was way too far though.  I feel so overwhelmed and helpless with all this, it 's do different from passing notes in the hall.  She's a good kid and and we keep a pretty close eye on her activities, we''re very open as a family, am I going wrong somehow?  It just makes me so sad.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2013, 12:44:38 PM »
No, you didn't go too far. She is your minor daughter and you are her mom.  It is your job to keep her safe.

MorgnsGrl

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2013, 12:47:22 PM »
I don't think you went too far. I think you are actively parenting, which is what parents should do, especially when their kids are that age.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2013, 01:27:07 PM by MorgnsGrl »

TootsNYC

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2013, 12:47:59 PM »
I would suggest you also forward that info to Facebook. I can't believe his requests fall under appropriate "terms of service."


jaxsue

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2013, 12:48:27 PM »
Another vote for you didn't go too far, OP. If only more parents cared as much as you do!

Goosey

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2013, 12:51:30 PM »
You were clear to her at the beginning that you would have full access and be reviewing her FB. That's not snooping, that's parenting.

And are you sure this is really a kid 2 years older from out of state? Unless you know him IRL, he could be a 40 year old perv! That's really dangerous.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2013, 12:53:19 PM »
I would suggest you also forward that info to Facebook. I can't believe his requests fall under appropriate "terms of service."

I'd do that, too. Who knows how old he really is?

Yvaine

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2013, 12:54:10 PM »
You were clear to her at the beginning that you would have full access and be reviewing her FB. That's not snooping, that's parenting.

And are you sure this is really a kid 2 years older from out of state? Unless you know him IRL, he could be a 40 year old perv! That's really dangerous.

And DD may well not even want him messaging her. The nicer one, it sounds like she's genuinely friends with, but this other one might be harassing her and she may not know how to block him. I'd consider that before the chat with her, so as not to jump to the conclusion that she was encouraging him.

asb8

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2013, 12:57:13 PM »
What your DD's response to being asked for racy pics?  I think that should determine the next step.  From your post it doesn't sound like she sent them and this may need to be a 'learning experience' talk more than anything else.

Judah

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2013, 01:06:09 PM »
What your DD's response to being asked for racy pics?  I think that should determine the next step.  From your post it doesn't sound like she sent them and this may need to be a 'learning experience' talk more than anything else.

I agree that her response to the inappropriate requests is an important part of the equation.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
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Strong hints don't work.
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Just say it!

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AvidReader

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2013, 01:08:35 PM »
No Mom, you are not out of line....you are doing your job with respect to your child.   I'd investigate the suspect contact with your daughter and gauge her response.  You know her best.  If she indicates either with her words or body language that she was in least bit uncomfortable about weird guy, that is one conversation about saying "no" and how to block.  If she indicates that she was unconcerned about the suspect contact, that is another conversation....an even more important one in my mind.  As a PP said, he could be a 40 y/o perv. No one wants to have their kids cultivated to be preyed upon. 

RegionMom

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #11 on: August 05, 2013, 01:13:14 PM »
My HS kids know we have their passwords, but we rarely check. 

I had to chat with my DD about posting pics while at a sleepover, knowing that some were not invited that were at the afternoon part of the party.  (Nothing racy, just singing with helium charged voices.  ::))

My kids try to tell me that looking at their pages is invading their friends privacy. 

We told them that anything on the internet is not private.

When they turn 18, we will give them a certificate or something that says, "This is the key to your life.  Make your own passwords, make your own choices.  Be responsible.  Enjoy!"

But for the question at hand- never ever ever, whether 13 or 30, send racy photos or words. 
And dock her phone and electronics in the kitchen. 
And, yes, she lost privileges again, for a while.
Good luck, mom!  Parenting is hard!
Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

TootsNYC

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2013, 01:24:53 PM »

My kids try to tell me that looking at their pages is invading their friends privacy. 


I've decided to not comment on my kids' Facebook pages much at all--I feel that this is how I respect all of the kids' privacy.

Girlie

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2013, 01:26:55 PM »
Not too far at all, IMHO.

You trusted your daughter, to an appropriate extent," and when her own behavior led you to feel suspicious, you acted.

Protection for your daughter is the most important thing you owe to her.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2013, 01:32:21 PM »
Sounds like it's time to change the wireless password and not tell her what the new one is.  If she needs internet, she can come to you and you can sign on to the wireless temporarily, then sign off again when she's done with whatever parental-approved activity.

I'd also suggest making a list of people she respects in her life - grandparents, pastor, etc.  Label it "PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE EMBARRASSING THINGS ABOUT ME ONLINE" and tape it up over the computer.  Maybe being faced with the thought of her family, teachers, pastors, etc. seeing those Facebook posts and racy pictures will help her remember your lecture about how *everything* you post on line can get out, and the more embarrassing it is, the more likely it is to follow her around.  In particular, to never send topless/naked pictures to ANYONE, even if he's a real-life boyfriend or her bestest friend ever.  Because the moment that relationship/friendship ends, if that person is angry, those pictures will follow her around her school and very possibly beyond.