Author Topic: Facebook and kids, snooping?  (Read 4281 times)

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Alpacas

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #30 on: August 05, 2013, 03:08:57 PM »
A message I'd want to send to my own DD is this: People judge you based on the signals you send them. So if you're awake and messaging people at 2am, esp. if you're younger, people may think this tells them something about you. If you're being a little bit flirty with them, they may think it tells them something more.

Be alert to that, and remember it when you're evaluating your communication with other people. And think about the messages you want to send.

I feel like this is way too close to victim-blaming for comfort. It feels similar to comments about how one is dressed, etc.

I'm frequently online at 2am because I battle insomnia and have odd work hours. It says nothing about me at all to be online at that time and I don't care for the implication otherwise.

 I think there is a significant difference between adults being awake at that time, and 10 or 12 year old children that still have to go to school in the morning and need their sleep.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #31 on: August 05, 2013, 03:13:44 PM »
And maybe show her this?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o8auwnJtqE  It shows how kids can post things online that they regret.

You might also remind her that even things posted "privately" (private messages, posts locked to only friends she knows, etc.) can be observed.  We now know that the government is monitoring network traffic.  Actual people work at Facebook.  And then, most likely to be the problem, is the people that such things are posted to.  Things have a way of getting out, especially in those teen years.  And if there's a written/pictorial record, it's all the harder to deny it or have it die away.

And I agree with lisastitch and the up at 2am.

I do think you should report it, regardless of it being in a private message.  I can't imagine that makes a difference.  Surely most child predators would try to reach kids through private messaging?  I realize that he's a child and not a child predator, but it should still be reported before some girl *does* send him racy photos and gets her life ruined over it.

Yvaine

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #32 on: August 05, 2013, 03:27:06 PM »
A message I'd want to send to my own DD is this: People judge you based on the signals you send them. So if you're awake and messaging people at 2am, esp. if you're younger, people may think this tells them something about you. If you're being a little bit flirty with them, they may think it tells them something more.

Be alert to that, and remember it when you're evaluating your communication with other people. And think about the messages you want to send.

I feel like this is way too close to victim-blaming for comfort. It feels similar to comments about how one is dressed, etc.

I'm frequently online at 2am because I battle insomnia and have odd work hours. It says nothing about me at all to be online at that time and I don't care for the implication otherwise.

 I think there is a significant difference between adults being awake at that time, and 10 or 12 year old children that still have to go to school in the morning and need their sleep.

And nobody said it was a fantastic idea for her to be awake then, and in fact in my first comment in this thread I mentioned that she'd committed a bedtime infraction (and I also think talking to her about how that impeded her functioning the next day is fair game). My point was that it's wrong to impute sexual connotations to being up late, as in "people will get the wrong idea." I was an insomniac as a teen too, and the most goody-goody teen imaginable. Some people are just insomniacs or night owls, and it doesn't mean they're asking for it.

As for the OP, it sounds like you handled it well, and I'm sure she's glad to have you in her corner.

Yvaine

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #33 on: August 05, 2013, 03:28:27 PM »
A message I'd want to send to my own DD is this: People judge you based on the signals you send them. So if you're awake and messaging people at 2am, esp. if you're younger, people may think this tells them something about you. If you're being a little bit flirty with them, they may think it tells them something more.

Be alert to that, and remember it when you're evaluating your communication with other people. And think about the messages you want to send.

I feel like this is way too close to victim-blaming for comfort. It feels similar to comments about how one is dressed, etc.

I'm frequently online at 2am because I battle insomnia and have odd work hours. It says nothing about me at all to be online at that time and I don't care for the implication otherwise.

You're not a 13 year old kid, though, are you?!  You're an adult, with adult awareness and knowledge and friends.  The rules for a kid ARE different.  This is not victim blaming, or casting aspersions on YOU, it's protecting an innocent and naive girl child.  Don't extrapolate to take this to mean anything about you when it has NOTHING to do with you, the adult fully in charge of paying her own bills and making her own, informed choices.  It's all about the kid, who is NONE of that.

See my point above, and please refrain from shouting at people with caps and interrobangs.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2013, 03:31:00 PM by Yvaine »

Memphis1986

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #34 on: August 05, 2013, 03:47:41 PM »
You did exactly the right thing, what you said you would do! I hope Facebook etc is more regulated etc when my kid reaches that age but you sound like you've got it bang on!!

Lynnv

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #35 on: August 05, 2013, 03:56:09 PM »
A message I'd want to send to my own DD is this: People judge you based on the signals you send them. So if you're awake and messaging people at 2am, esp. if you're younger, people may think this tells them something about you. If you're being a little bit flirty with them, they may think it tells them something more.

Be alert to that, and remember it when you're evaluating your communication with other people. And think about the messages you want to send.

I feel like this is way too close to victim-blaming for comfort. It feels similar to comments about how one is dressed, etc.

I'm frequently online at 2am because I battle insomnia and have odd work hours. It says nothing about me at all to be online at that time and I don't care for the implication otherwise.

 I think there is a significant difference between adults being awake at that time, and 10 or 12 year old children that still have to go to school in the morning and need their sleep.

And nobody said it was a fantastic idea for her to be awake then, and in fact in my first comment in this thread I mentioned that she'd committed a bedtime infraction (and I also think talking to her about how that impeded her functioning the next day is fair game). My point was that it's wrong to impute sexual connotations to being up late, as in "people will get the wrong idea." I was an insomniac as a teen too, and the most goody-goody teen imaginable. Some people are just insomniacs or night owls, and it doesn't mean they're asking for it.

As for the OP, it sounds like you handled it well, and I'm sure she's glad to have you in her corner.

OP-I agree with everyone, it sounds like you set reasonable boundaries and are also enforcing them in a reasonable manner.  Your FB limits were perfectly clear and appropriate, and the violations in use were also clear. 

As far as being up at 2am saying something about you-I have had intermittent insomnia my entire life.  If the internet had been as ubiquitous when I was a kid as it is now, I probably would have been on it at 2am on a not-infrequent basis.  As it was, I spent a lot of middle of the night time watching horrible informercials and even worse movies.  I think my mom would have preferred the internet-at least that is quiet and doesn't involve KISS at an amusement park or Alice Cooper with a jar of liquid evil.   ;D

If it is a violation in the OPs house to be on the net that late (or even up that late) then it is perfectly reasonable to punish/discuss/whatever is appropriate. 

But I do think it is a bad idea to teach kids that "you were putting out signals by being on the internet at 2am" is valid in any way, shape or form.  It comes way too close, IMO, to blaming people for doing things that are out of the norm, rather than blaming the creeps who read something into that.

Being up at 2am, even if you are a teenager, doesn't send a message or tell people anything about you (except that you are up late).   People might read something into it...but people will also try to read meaning into TV test patterns and the late night activities of kittens.
Lynn

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Yvaine

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #36 on: August 05, 2013, 03:57:23 PM »
As far as being up at 2am saying something about you-I have had intermittent insomnia my entire life.  If the internet had been as ubiquitous when I was a kid as it is now, I probably would have been on it at 2am on a not-infrequent basis.  As it was, I spent a lot of middle of the night time watching horrible informercials and even worse movies.  I think my mom would have preferred the internet-at least that is quiet and doesn't involve KISS at an amusement park or Alice Cooper with a jar of liquid evil.   ;D

My thing was listening to horribly angsty music at 2am...

PastryGoddess

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #37 on: August 05, 2013, 04:14:58 PM »
A message I'd want to send to my own DD is this: People judge you based on the signals you send them. So if you're awake and messaging people at 2am, esp. if you're younger, people may think this tells them something about you. If you're being a little bit flirty with them, they may think it tells them something more.

Be alert to that, and remember it when you're evaluating your communication with other people. And think about the messages you want to send.

I feel like this is way too close to victim-blaming for comfort. It feels similar to comments about how one is dressed, etc.

I'm frequently online at 2am because I battle insomnia and have odd work hours. It says nothing about me at all to be online at that time and I don't care for the implication otherwise.

Heck, I was up at 2am on the internet last night. IIRC, my scandalous behavior included filling out a fantasy sports roster and looking at dog pictures.

Yeah but we are adults, she is a barely 13 year old girl.  She shouldn't be up at 2am in the morning messaging people.  She also doesn't yet have the tools we adults have to deal with creeps on the internet.

OP would it make sense to research and show her instances of bullying based on things people have posted online. Especially racy photos of themselves.

Firecat

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #38 on: August 05, 2013, 04:36:53 PM »
As far as being up at 2am saying something about you-I have had intermittent insomnia my entire life.  If the internet had been as ubiquitous when I was a kid as it is now, I probably would have been on it at 2am on a not-infrequent basis.  As it was, I spent a lot of middle of the night time watching horrible informercials and even worse movies.  I think my mom would have preferred the internet-at least that is quiet and doesn't involve KISS at an amusement park or Alice Cooper with a jar of liquid evil.   ;D

My thing was listening to horribly angsty music at 2am...

And, anyway, how does anyone know it's 2:00 am for you unless they know what time zone you're in? The local friend would know that, sure, because he knows at least roughly where the OP's DD lives. But other people who aren't local, or who don't know where the girl lives, would have no idea unless she told them. So I think the whole "on at 2:00 am says something about you" argument is pretty ridiculous, even without the whole "victim blaming" vibe (that I agree exists and is...not good).

OP, I think you're doing just fine. Your DD demonstrated once that she wasn't trustworthy about this, so I think you have every right and reason to be vigilant about monitoring her online activity and enforcing boundaries and consequences.

TeamBhakta

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #39 on: August 05, 2013, 04:37:54 PM »
Just a heads up (from past experience as a teenager): Obviously you were right to take away her internet access. But keep in mind that the whole time she was grounded, she probably just asked her friends "let me borrow your phone so I can set up / check another FB account for myself." And she probably used the school computers, too. So you probably need to go beyond "I'm taking away your devices at home" and find an extra tactic to drive home how unsafe her behavior is

Wordgeek

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Re: Facebook and kids, snooping?
« Reply #40 on: August 05, 2013, 04:38:52 PM »
This is a parenting issue, not etiquette.