Son decided not to pursue Eagle-mistake?

[RegionMom]

My 17 year old son is a rising senior,  very top of his class, very driven, I receive compliments on him often, but lately, he has become a giant twit.

I know teens are like toddlers- hard to communicate with, test boundaries, eat more, sleep more, pitch fits, etc... but it has been disheartening to see so much of this lately and so up close!

DS had a long academic year and made all A's and also made 5's on all the AP tests he took.  He said he deserved a summer off to veg.  Ok, so no summer job.  DH and I were ok with that, but figured after a month or so, he would be bored.  Nope!

He refuses to learn to drive.  period. 

His girlfriend of past two 1/2 years (long distance) dumped him for being a twit.  I was proud of her!  He was coasting, putting in no effort.

Before he left for a week of camp where he served as a special needs buddy, we asked him to tell us "yes" or "no" if he was going to pursue Eagle.  After a couple of days home, we asked him.

"In my own time I will tell you.  You cannot make me tell."

He finally came to me just before bed, placed his arms full on the table and said, "I think it is better of me NOT to get Eagle, to make my own stand.  You are pushing me and I need to make my own decisions.  i do not believe that Eagle will open any doors our enhance my life.  Scouting is great, and I will stay with it, but I am not getting Eagle."

I asked him if he thought he would regret that in a few months, years, telling his own son one day...and he huffed off and said he was fine with his decision.

I looked around on the internet, and conclusion seems to be, "You ARE an Eagle, you do not GET it.  You have to have the character traits and leadership."

sadly, my son does not appear to have the stick-to-it-iveness anyway.  He has always been a rule follower, and we get compliments on him often.  This is the first time he would have to step out and be his own boss, and direct others. 

And he cannot/will not do it.

Any one have a DH or son who came to months of Eagle and quit?  do they regret it? 
Or, did Eagle open doors in life, if even for a common ground connection?

I know it is his decision.  He turns 18 in December.  Many of his friends are Eagles.

Advice? 

[Goosey]

My brother has Eagle. Doesn't seem to have done much for him. And I think, as you said, you can't force your son to be an Eagle scout. I would let this go and not bring it up again.

Your son does very well academically and that's no small feat. Focus on his achievements rather than what you WANT him to achieve.

[perpetua]

OP, weren't you the poster who complained when their daughter "only" got a 95 on some school exam? Forgive me if I've got that wrong but if so it lends useful background to this post.

You are pushing me and I need to make my own decisions.

Your son is trying to tell you something. Listen to him.

[Wulfie]

My brother did not want to have to share an Eagle Ceremony with a fellow in the troop who's family are moochers and were pushing him to so that they would not have to pay for the party. "Oh, OurSon and WulfieBrother can just share a party. You were going to pay for it anyway so it will not cost you any more." He regrets not doing it because it would have been great on his college applications and there is a lot of grant and scholarship money out there for Eagles.

[jaxsue]

My son almost became an Eagle Scout. He'd been in scouts since he was 7 y/o. We were told by some people (scouting parents, mostly) that we were terrible for not making him become an Eagle Scout. I know what it was like for my parents to push school band on me when I was in high school, and I totally resented the pressure (still do, as it's still a big deal in my family). He may be resenting the pressure and is pushing back. That's not abnormal for his age, IME.

We decided to let my son quit scouts. It was fine, the world didn't end, and honestly, it didn't make a difference in his life. He's 22 now, and while scouting was a good experience for him it hasn't hurt him one bit to not have reached Eagle Scout. I don't think it has the importance it used to, at least in some communities. Not saying that it isn't valuable, just that the culture has changed and it isn't what it used to be. YMMV.

[Judah]

I think you need pay special attention to this part,

"I think it is better of me NOT to get Eagle, to make my own stand. You are pushing me and I need to make my own decisions.  i do not believe that Eagle will open any doors our enhance my life.  Scouting is great, and I will stay with it, but I am not getting Eagle."

It doesn't matter how many doors Eagle might open for him. Earning or not earning Eagle is a decision only Son can make and he feels you're pushing him. From your other posts about your kids, it does seem that you push, maybe too much.  Back off and let your son, who is almost an adult, make his own choices. Not all of his choices will be good ones, but he will learn from all of them.

[jaxsue]

OP, weren't you the poster who complained when their daughter "only" got a 95 on some school exam? Forgive me if I've got that wrong but if so it lends useful background to this post.

You are pushing me and I need to make my own decisions.

Your son is trying to tell you something. Listen to him.

Per the bolded: great point!

[gollymolly2]

OP, weren't you the poster who complained when their daughter "only" got a 95 on some school exam? Forgive me if I've got that wrong but if so it lends useful background to this post.

You are pushing me and I need to make my own decisions.

Your son is trying to tell you something. Listen to him.

Agree. Kids rebel from parents who are too involved in lots of ways. If your son's biggest act of rebellion is not to become an eagle scout, thank your lucky stars.

[Just Lori]

I agree.  If earning an Eagle were just a matter of showing up and going through the motions, there would be more Eagle Scouts.  It reflects a measure of commitment and maturity, things that cannot be forced.  I am the daughter of a man who had led Boy Scouts for more than half a century.  I've watched my dad's Eagle Scouts grow into impressive men. But the Eagle didn't make them impressive; their impressive work made them an Eagle.

Most parents struggle to find the balance between pushing the kid and letting him or her go solo and live with the consequences.  I think you've done all you can to influence his decision.  This will be a learning opportunity, regardless of the outcome.

[Wordgeek]

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