Author Topic: What Reaction WOULD You Like?  (Read 7686 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

BeagleMommy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3187
What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« on: August 06, 2013, 12:54:25 PM »
This is what I said to DH last night.

DH has a new client who is a personal chef.  DS is looking for work in the culinary field right now.  Client is not hiring, but DH asked her a bunch of questions.  None of her answers were appropriate for what DS wants to do.

DH told DS that client was a personal chef and DS's response was "Oh, okay.".  Well, apparently, that was an inappropriate response.  DH said "I should just learn to keep my mouth shut because no one cares about anything I say".

Um, what?

DS turned and said "Dad, I have no desire to be a personal chef.  I want to work in an actual restaurant.  Why would I ask questions about what a personal chef does?  I already know that I don't want to work for individuals.  I want to feed lots of people.  We covered this in school."

DH seems to think if we don't jump up and down, cheer and have his footpath strewn with rose petals that we're rude.  I thought a polite response was all that was necessary.

I said "What do you expect us to do if we have no interest in the subject you're talking about?  No one said you were wrong or stupid.  We just don't have the same interest.  It's kind of hard to fake excitement over something about which you have no interest."

Sometimes I just want to smack him!

SlitherHiss

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 231
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2013, 12:58:20 PM »
It sounds like DS handled it well.

Are you looking for suggestions for how to tell DH his expectations are unreasonable? Suggestions for how to cope with his PA declarations that no one even cares  ::)?

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8186
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2013, 12:59:28 PM »
I think sometimes what they want to hear goes something like this:  "Oh okay.  Thanks for asking, Dad.  I really appreciate your putting out feelers for me.  Honestly, being a personal chef is not really what I have in mind.  I want to be a restaurant chef, but it's interesting to know what else is out there!"

They just want their efforts to be appreciated and not immediately dismissed as 'wrong'. 

SlitherHiss

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 231
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2013, 01:01:02 PM »
I think sometimes what they want to hear goes something like this:  "Oh okay.  Thanks for asking, Dad.  I really appreciate your putting out feelers for me.  Honestly, being a personal chef is not really what I have in mind.  I want to be a restaurant chef, but it's interesting to know what else is out there!"

They just want their efforts to be appreciated and not immediately dismissed as 'wrong'.

This. Sometimes "feigning" interest is entirely appropriate; not because DH said or did anything super awesome, but because he wants to share about his day and the things he learned.

rain

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 756
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2013, 01:03:56 PM »
I know someone who  is like that .... I'll be watching this tread & trying suggestions
"oh we thank thee lord for the things we need, like the wind and the rain and the apple seed"

Olympia

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 92
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2013, 01:32:54 PM »
I think sometimes what they want to hear goes something like this:  "Oh okay.  Thanks for asking, Dad.  I really appreciate your putting out feelers for me.  Honestly, being a personal chef is not really what I have in mind.  I want to be a restaurant chef, but it's interesting to know what else is out there!"

They just want their efforts to be appreciated and not immediately dismissed as 'wrong'.

Possibly, but if I may borrow your wording, this is the conversation that would have happened:

DH: I have a new client who's a personal chef.
DS: Oh okay.  Thanks for asking, Dad.  I really appreciate your putting out feelers for me.  Honestly, being a personal chef is not really what I have in mind.  I want to be a restaurant chef, but it's interesting to know what else is out there!

...which would actually be a highly defensive response and also annoy the father. I think BeagleMommy's husband needs to actually listen to his son so that he knows what it is his son wants to do; it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8186
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2013, 01:38:47 PM »
I think sometimes what they want to hear goes something like this:  "Oh okay.  Thanks for asking, Dad.  I really appreciate your putting out feelers for me.  Honestly, being a personal chef is not really what I have in mind.  I want to be a restaurant chef, but it's interesting to know what else is out there!"

They just want their efforts to be appreciated and not immediately dismissed as 'wrong'.

Possibly, but if I may borrow your wording, this is the conversation that would have happened:

DH: I have a new client who's a personal chef.
DS: Oh okay.  Thanks for asking, Dad.  I really appreciate your putting out feelers for me.  Honestly, being a personal chef is not really what I have in mind.  I want to be a restaurant chef, but it's interesting to know what else is out there!

...which would actually be a highly defensive response and also annoy the father. I think BeagleMommy's husband needs to actually listen to his son so that he knows what it is his son wants to do; it doesn't sound like that's the case here.

I'm sorry.  Honestly, I'm not trying to be obstreperous here, but how is that wording highly defensive?  He's thanking his Dad for getting the information (which to me is a clear indication that the father actually IS interested in his son's chosen line of work) and restating his preferences for working in a restaurant as opposed to being someone's personal chef. 

Piratelvr1121

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 11117
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2013, 01:47:45 PM »
Yeah, I'm not seeing the offense there, either.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

SlitherHiss

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 231
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2013, 01:49:11 PM »
Well, if the wording was used abruptly, like Olympia proposed, in response to a simple "My new client is a chef", it would be rude because it's shutting Dad down before he gets to say squat...but I really don't think that's what gramma dishes was recommending (please correct me if I'm wrong).

In my mind, the conversation would go more like this:

DH: My new client is a personal chef
DS: Yeah?
DH: I asked her this and that and another thing, and she said blahblahblahblah.
DS: Thanks for sharing that with me, Dad. It sounds pretty interesting. I'm looking to be a chef in a restaurant, but I appreciate you putting out feelers for me.


Kaypeep

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2303
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2013, 01:49:20 PM »
To be devil's advocate, I'd say that DS still could have inquired about the conversation.  Just because the client is a personal chef now doesn't mean that they don't have experience working in a restaurant that they could have shared.  And personal chefs often cater a lot, so they *are* cooking for a lot of people at times, or working with catering staff from restaurants.  I would have "talked shop' a bit and only if the conversation started to lean more and more about personal chef stuff then I would say "Oh, well, that's interesting but not applicable to the path I'm looking for.  Where client likes doing small, specific diet limited menus, I'm the opposite and want to do large menus with daily specials or whatever it is that makes him gravitate to restaurant work. 

I think DS was a bit dismissive.  He could have said "oh, did she have any good tips for getting into the restaurant field?".  His reply was a bit curt.  And DH's response was also a bit OTT but I have a mom who also explodes when we aren't mind readers or react the way she expects us to, and also snaps like that.  So maybe to make peace DS can just go to his dad and say "Do-over, okay?  I realized just because your client doesn't work in the exact field I want, odds are she DOES have some valuable info I could have used.  And I'm willing to hear it if you still want to share it."

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8186
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2013, 01:55:08 PM »
Well, if the wording was used abruptly, like Olympia proposed, in response to a simple "My new client is a chef", it would be rude because it's shutting Dad down before he gets to say squat...but I really don't think that's what gramma dishes was recommending (please correct me if I'm wrong).

In my mind, the conversation would go more like this:

DH: My new client is a personal chef
DS: Yeah?
DH: I asked her this and that and another thing, and she said blahblahblahblah.
DS: Thanks for sharing that with me, Dad. It sounds pretty interesting. I'm looking to be a chef in a restaurant, but I appreciate you putting out feelers for me.

Yes, this is definitely more what I had in mind!  Thanks!   :)

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8936
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2013, 01:57:14 PM »
I think DS was a bit dismissive.  He could have said "oh, did she have any good tips for getting into the restaurant field?".  His reply was a bit curt. 

To me, it depends. How often does DH do this? If this was the first time he brought up personal chef-ing as a possible career, the response was curt. But if he brings this up all. the. time., I think DS has more leeway to be exasperated.

I've got a friend who spent years trying to get me to work where she worked (even though, ironically, she hated it). She thought it was vastly better than any job I had, and would not stop bringing it up in response to any anecdote about my work.

"So I had this crazy caller at the office the other day..."
"Don't you want something better than that? You should come work at MyWork. I think there's an opening."
"Thanks, but I actually like my job--I just thought this was funny. (continue anecdote)"

"Today on my way to work..."
"Ew, are you still working there? Don't you want something better? There's a position open at MyWork. You should apply."
"Thanks, but I'm pretty happy with where I am at the moment."

I finally learned I just couldn't bring up work around her, and there were a couple of other topics that became off limits too, because she always "knew" what was best for me and would not let it drop.

FlyingBaconMouse

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 454
  • In my belfry...
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2013, 01:58:00 PM »
Honestly, I think it depends on whether this was part of a pattern.

Diplomacy never hurts, but...take my dad, who does this sort of thing all the time: tries to do "favors" or give gifts only tangentially related to what's actually going on. For example, if I say I like a pop CD he has in his collection, he'll persistently try to get me to check out, say, amateur bluegrass-- because I, in a very general way, expressed a liking for music he likes.

I think everybody spaces out or doesn't get details right once in a while, but if there's a pattern of "I brought you this proof that I don't listen very well! Now praise me!," then I think that needs a different response than if it's a one-off.
I don't kill threads, but I do seem to stun 'em pretty good. :-)

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30829
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #13 on: August 06, 2013, 02:12:47 PM »
Given that it's job related, and parent-to-child, it's also possible that there's an element of "stop pushing me, Dad!"

Allyson

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2018
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #14 on: August 06, 2013, 03:28:42 PM »
Sure it might've been *more* polite for the son to particularly thank his dad. But I don't think what he did say was inappropriate at all. This is my bias but I have a dad who is very easily offended, and if you say the 'wrong' thing, he will get upset. And, it is really difficult to determine what the wrong thing is, or when something will set him off. So to me, getting upset over 'oh okay' is iffy. If this was a regular problem with the son being dismissive, I think that at another time, a talk about that wouldn't be inappropriate. But this particular situation is just not worth getting worked up about, I think.