Author Topic: What Reaction WOULD You Like?  (Read 7629 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

BeagleMommy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3116
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #15 on: August 06, 2013, 03:48:44 PM »
DS has told me and DH that his ultimate plan is to open an upscale diner.  That's years down the road.  DH's new client has no restaurant experience.  In fact, she told him she could never work "the line" because she hates following rules.  She mainly does small dinner parties (and doesn't make  a living doing it; she works part time at a bank as well).

This is a regular pattern with DH.  He goes into information overload.  He'll come home with some new idea, tell us about it and if we don't sing it's praises and fall all over him with gratitude he gets offended.  I sometimes think he finds it hard to believe that DS and I can make a decision and stick with it.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8863
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #16 on: August 06, 2013, 04:06:37 PM »
DS has told me and DH that his ultimate plan is to open an upscale diner.  That's years down the road.  DH's new client has no restaurant experience.  In fact, she told him she could never work "the line" because she hates following rules.  She mainly does small dinner parties (and doesn't make  a living doing it; she works part time at a bank as well).

This is a regular pattern with DH.  He goes into information overload.  He'll come home with some new idea, tell us about it and if we don't sing it's praises and fall all over him with gratitude he gets offended.  I sometimes think he finds it hard to believe that DS and I can make a decision and stick with it.

Ah yes, he's the type of person who gets on "kicks" and everyone else must get on the same kick or else. No great advice here, but you have my sympathy--this drives me nuts even in people I otherwise adore.

snowdragon

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2200
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #17 on: August 06, 2013, 04:20:50 PM »
First I think the DH wanted (and wants)to share his work day with his family. This is pretty normal IMHA. This time it overlapped with DS's field. It could have been a great conversation about the different aspects of the food service industry. There's a lot more to it than most realize.
  Second. The high end food service community even in the biggest cities is small, and very interconnected. This woman may not be in the EXACT position that DS wants to be in but I'd bet she'd have some ideas as to who to get involved with ( ie work for or learn from) and who to run from. She could actually be very helpful - if DS had been open to hearing what his father ( and perhaps eventually She) had to say.
  I can't say I blame DH for feeling as he does.

Allyson

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1966
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #18 on: August 06, 2013, 04:29:47 PM »
I just don't see the son's response as being a total shutdown. Yeah, it wasn't super interested...because he wasn't. It's not like he said "Sod off, dad, nobody cares."

KenveeB

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8525
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #19 on: August 06, 2013, 08:39:53 PM »
I just don't see the son's response as being a total shutdown. Yeah, it wasn't super interested...because he wasn't. It's not like he said "Sod off, dad, nobody cares."

Agreed. And what exactly did DH say that deserved an effusive response? "My client is a personal chef." And? "Oh, okay" seems like a reasonable response to it. It's not as if DH was making a long comment or asking DS questions. He made a statement. That deserves acknowledgement but not any particular response, IMO.

DavidH

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1729
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2013, 09:14:28 PM »
None of this sounds like a polite interaction.  The comment about his client being a personal chef is pretty bland and could have opened up a conversation.  DS could have been a bit nicer about how he shut down the conversation.  DH's response was rather PA.  OP's response was pretty dismissive as well. 

In general, everyone knows someone.  After DH talked to the client it was clear that she couldn't offer useful information.  But it just as easily could have let to something.  Take the scenario of DH asks how did you get into being a personal chef.  Client says, I worked on the line for a year and hated it, too regimented, but I'm still friends with the people I worked with. DH really, my son ....

It's not that farfetched a scenario. 

Calypso

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2747
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2013, 09:33:00 PM »
BeagleMommy, you honestly sound so disgusted with and resentful of your DH, I wouldn't be surprised if he's picking up on that, hence the pouting when he doesn't get the appreciation he was fishing for. I'm sorry, but, just based on what you posted in this thread, it looks to be a much bigger problem than this particular issue.

JoieGirl7

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7337
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #22 on: August 06, 2013, 09:57:42 PM »
I think it was a bit dismissive of your son to just say "Oh, okay."  He could have just said thanks and that's it--not need to reiterate that he only wants to be a restaurant chef, etc.

Your son should know what a personal chef does!  If he wants to be taken seriously as a chef at all, he should have as much information as possible about the different aspects of his profession.

More information is always better than less. 

The thing that I taught my kids was that regardless of what they wanted to do, they needed to be flexible so that in a changing marketplace they could always support themselves and fulfill their dreams.

My youngest son went to LA to be an actor and model.  He found a little bit of success but not enough to live on.  Then, he served as a waiter a famous person and her SO and they invited him to come work for them on their personal side businesses.  It is still the entertainment industry, just not working as a model and actor, altho he can still pursue that on the side.

He actually called me to complain about it once!  "I want to be an actor mom, not a producer!"   ::)

That was about 6 months ago.  Now, he is loving it.  Loving the small but consistent paycheck that comes along with it which means he can keep living out there supporting himself.  Loving that every day is a different adventure and he still gets to act and model from time to time.

It's not a big time job but it could be.  It's the right place to be to learn and make connections.

The road to one's dreams will usually take a few twists and turns.  It's never a good idea to completely rule out learning about tangent opportunities in one's chosen field because at some point, one or more may be an important stepping stone to what it is you really want to do.

Maybe the information that your husband got for your son is not the most important piece of information that will lead to his future, but your son learning to be open to it and other possibilities and being appreciative of someone close to him who obviously cares about his dreams is an attitude that could make a difference down the line.

Calypso

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2747
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2013, 11:57:16 PM »
I think it was a bit dismissive of your son to just say "Oh, okay."  He could have just said thanks and that's it--not need to reiterate that he only wants to be a restaurant chef, etc.
 ....

The road to one's dreams will usually take a few twists and turns.  It's never a good idea to completely rule out learning about tangent opportunities in one's chosen field because at some point, one or more may be an important stepping stone to what it is you really want to do.

Maybe the information that your husband got for your son is not the most important piece of information that will lead to his future, but your son learning to be open to it and other possibilities and being appreciative of someone close to him who obviously cares about his dreams is an attitude that could make a difference down the line.

POD all of Audrey's post, especially these bits. Your DH may not have shown he completely gets DS's dream, but I wish my own Dad had shown even that much interest in the things I cared about.

Anyway, I think we've offered some answers to the question "what kind of reaction would he like?"  One that acknowledges that DH cares about his son, even if he doesn't do it with the exact nuances you and DS want.

hannahmollysmom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1291
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #24 on: August 07, 2013, 01:55:55 AM »
I think it was a bit dismissive of your son to just say "Oh, okay."  He could have just said thanks and that's it--not need to reiterate that he only wants to be a restaurant chef, etc.
 ....

The road to one's dreams will usually take a few twists and turns.  It's never a good idea to completely rule out learning about tangent opportunities in one's chosen field because at some point, one or more may be an important stepping stone to what it is you really want to do.

Maybe the information that your husband got for your son is not the most important piece of information that will lead to his future, but your son learning to be open to it and other possibilities and being appreciative of someone close to him who obviously cares about his dreams is an attitude that could make a difference down the line.

POD all of Audrey's post, especially these bits. Your DH may not have shown he completely gets DS's dream, but I wish my own Dad had shown even that much interest in the things I cared about.

Anyway, I think we've offered some answers to the question "what kind of reaction would he like?"  One that acknowledges that DH cares about his son, even if he doesn't do it with the exact nuances you and DS want.

Add my POD to this!

perpetua

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2031
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #25 on: August 07, 2013, 04:46:49 AM »
Agreed with the last few posts. I think your DH tried to do something nice for your son perhaps not fully understanding the differences between the field his client was in and the one your son wants to enter - he probably just heard "food" and thought "Oh, that's what DS wants to do!" and DS was very dismissive of him. Even a "thanks Dad, I really appreciate what you tried to do, but..." would have been better than what actually happened.

Also:

Quote
I said "What do you expect us to do if we have no interest in the subject you're talking about?  No one said you were wrong or stupid.  We just don't have the same interest.  It's kind of hard to fake excitement over something about which you have no interest."

...is *really* harsh and dismissive. He may have been PA about how he expressed it, but he has a valid point. I'm not surprised he's upset with the both of you.

cwm

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2427
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #26 on: August 07, 2013, 10:22:53 AM »
OP, did you marry my dad? Seriously, I'm going to agree with you on this and go against the grain.

He was frequently bringing home tidbits of information that had nothing at all to do with what I wanted to do with my life and expecting me to be as excited as he was about them.

In high school I worked at a music store and was gearing up to go to college to study music education. He came home with the story of one of his buddies whose daughter taught kindergarten and trying to relate that back to me. I never had any desire to work with small children at that point. So, no interest.

Whenever I came home from college on break, he'd be telling me about his new guitar lessons and how it was awesome, that when I finished college I could teach private lessons for a living because it was so cool what he was learning. He knew that I had a desire to be a band or orchestra teacher, not do private lessons for anything. And he kept it up with the stories of his lessons and how cool it would be if I was a private teacher after I switched to a music theory/composition major.

I had worked at a big outdoor store before I got the job in the grooming salon and was courting the idea of vet tech school.  He'd come home and expect me to listen with rapt attention and ask questions about this one guy he met at work today who works as a wildlife relocation specialist and isn't it cool that he gets to go around the country releasing wolves into the wild? Except I never wanted to do anything like that. I was looking into getting on with a small practice and settling in. He'd tell me stories of the people he met who were vets at the local zoo, and how fascinating it was to talk with them about everything they did. Which would be, but again, I told him that I did not want to be involved with large animals and I did not want to go back to college to go to vet school.

He always made PA comments and acted like I was treating him horribly if I didn't want to sit and listen to whatever he had to say, regardless of whatever else I was doing at the time. If I even tried to say "Thanks Dad, but..." in a polite way, he'd either ignore me and keep going or act like I was being deliberately hateful because I didn't care about what he said. He'd interrupt me to tell me how rude I was being, it would turn into a tirade, and if I tried to walk away or get a word in edgewise, I'd again be such a horrible daughter and how dare I treat him this way.

If OP's DH is anything like my dad and this is a pattern, I don't see how what DS did was so terrible. Rude?  Yes. But sometimes that is literally the only way available to shut someone down. And I would have cheered my mom's praises to the sky if she had ever stood up for me like that, but she avoided conflict at all costs.

Judah

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4769
  • California, U.S.A
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #27 on: August 07, 2013, 10:37:01 AM »
If OP's DH is anything like my dad and this is a pattern, I don't see how what DS did was so terrible. Rude?  Yes. But sometimes that is literally the only way available to shut someone down. And I would have cheered my mom's praises to the sky if she had ever stood up for me like that, but she avoided conflict at all costs.

I know we're all coming at this from our own angle and with our own experiences coloring our reactions, but I honestly don't see the need to "shut someone down". It seems to me that the OP's husband and your dad were just trying to make a connection with their child and were rebuffed. If I was the dad, I'd be hurt too. Instead of shutting them down, why not engage them, ask them questions, and relate it to your own interests?
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

-The Car Talk Guys

z_squared82

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 416
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #28 on: August 07, 2013, 10:45:13 AM »
He could have said "oh, did she have any good tips for getting into the restaurant field?".

If DS has made it very apparent (as in, told multiple times, not just the once mentioned above) that he wants to work in a restaurant, I recommend this.

A line similar to this is what my brother used every time my mom would mention something to my brother about a restaurant hiring. Brother (who also has a culinary degree) wanted to work in an assisted living or retirement facility bc the pay, hours and benefits are better. He was thinking ahead, he was engaged at the time and she was bringing her daughter into the marriage. It took Dad, Bro and I months to get it through Mom's head that Bro had absolutely no interest in working in a restaurant. We were not polite by the end, but it was really getting out of hand.

I think this line is a more polite way of reinforcing his goals to his dad.

Shoo

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16393
Re: What Reaction WOULD You Like?
« Reply #29 on: August 07, 2013, 10:46:15 AM »
Agreed with the last few posts. I think your DH tried to do something nice for your son perhaps not fully understanding the differences between the field his client was in and the one your son wants to enter - he probably just heard "food" and thought "Oh, that's what DS wants to do!" and DS was very dismissive of him. Even a "thanks Dad, I really appreciate what you tried to do, but..." would have been better than what actually happened.

Also:

Quote
I said "What do you expect us to do if we have no interest in the subject you're talking about?  No one said you were wrong or stupid.  We just don't have the same interest.  It's kind of hard to fake excitement over something about which you have no interest."

...is *really* harsh and dismissive. He may have been PA about how he expressed it, but he has a valid point. I'm not surprised he's upset with the both of you.

Me either.  I agree with Audrey's post as well.